Selene writhes against the bedspread, looking like a puppy chastised. She says these are our growing pains, and I'm too old to be throwing a tantrum like a pup.
She sounds so offended that I almost laugh.
Almost.
But I can feel the threat in her ntal presence. If I dare to laugh now, I'll never hear the end of it.
So I focus on Vanessa, instead.
"Ava, listen. A wolf is not human. Our wolves think of ourselves first, and everyone else secondary. They're focused on power first, and results second. Not on the sacrifices. Results are what matter, and everything else will fall into place with them."
A soft, husky-like yowling bark cos out of Selene. That isn't true.
Isn't it?
Sohow, it feels very…
Don't you dare finish that thought. Selene snaps at the air. We also care about the sacrifices, and understand relationships beco complicated when we do what needs to be done.
Vanessa watches with a patient stare.
"Sorry. Selene was talking."
"I can see that." Her smile is faint. "They usually do, when we get this talk. But it's usually when we're pups, and it cos from our parents. This is the first wolves and the babes chat I've had with an adult."
Wolves and the babes?
That sounds so… adorable.
But I rember clearly what a 12-year-old wolf shifter is like. A voracious appetite, short temper, and a tendency towards sneaking around to get what they want.
Not very adorable.
"Look, Ava. Ultimately, the relationship wolves have with each other is not the sa as humans have with each other. A wolf might understand why they were pushed aside, once all is said an done. They can accept these cases as they co, without detrint to their pack bond, knowing that the end result is the most important thing. But we," and she points between us, "are not like that.
If Lucas were to ghost you, how would you feel?"
That's easy. "Terrible." We've already lived through that.
"And if he did things behind your back, saying the entire ti that it was what was best for you, and you just have to trust him?"
Seeing where she's going, I can't hold her gaze, lowering mine to the bedspread. It's soft, with a few threads loose, perfect to pluck while being forced to face hard truths. "I would feel awful. Like he doesn't trust . Like our relationship isn't as strong as it should be." Thinking on it, on how I felt when I lived in what I felt were gilded cages, "And angry. I would definitely be angry."
Vanessa nods. "Now, have Selene answer that question, and think about it. I'm going to see what I can do to make this 'hare-brained' sche of yours work."
* * *
Selene walks stiff-legged to curl up under the window, flatly refusing to respond to Vanessa's howork.
Which must an that Vanessa's assessnt of her Lycan psyche is spot-on.
It is not, Selene huffs, sounding rankled.
"Mhm."
But I get it. These revelations are… hard.
There's a huge part of that still doesn't feel like I really did anything wrong.
There's another part of that's horrified to think back on the last few weeks.
But more than that…
Lucas' text stares up at from my phone screen.
[LUCAS: I'm sorry. None of my behavior was acceptable. I just hate knowing that you're putting yourself in danger without coming to for help first. When you're ready, can you please call ?]
"Selene."
Yes? Selene's ears twitch, but her sulking doesn't change.
"I think we should go back. For the rites."
Lucas had said bodies would burn tonight. It has to be for the rites.
I wonder if I'll make it in ti.
Selene is uncharacteristically silent as I set my plans in motion. I don't ask how, but Kellan manages to get a last-minute flight.
We're supposed to land an hour before the rites begin, which should be just enough ti to make it there in ti. Kellan alternates between calm and brooding, but there's a distinct feeling of approval that I don't think he's ever given before.
He's looked at with respect as Lucas' mate; he's never once looked at with high regard for .
There's a subtle difference, one that stabs into my heart like a knife.
All because I wanted to attend the rites of lives lost during the massacre.
Selene is uncharacteristically silent herself, seeming to struggle with Vanessa's words. There's a faint sense of her emotions in the back of my head, and I can feel her waffling between frustration and confusion.
But I don't have much ti to think about it, because Vanessa's words keep circling around and around in my head.
I can be wrong when I'm right.
It seems like a simple concept, and yet it's changed sothing inside my head. Sothing that makes it hard to look back at things.
The soft rumble of the plane's engines fills my ears as I rest my head against the small oval window. These overwhelming thoughts and emotions threaten to drown with questions and revelations.
For a mont I shove away all thoughts, my unfocused gaze drifting over the endless expanse of clouds. It's a beautiful sunset below us, with orange and pink and shades of blue, darkening into night.
I close my eyes, letting out a shaky breath.
So many lives lost, and all I've really thought about is Lisa.
She's important, but—I'm the alpha's mate.
A failure of an alpha's mate.
A failure of a Luna.
The only thing on my mind was independence. Of proving I didn't need anyone. Of my life in Cedarwood. All things that take away from here.
Away from responsibility.
Away from reality.
Lisa is missing. She's important. But those people who lost their lives? Those families with a forever-missing piece?
They're important, too.
"Did I want freedom, or did I want to hide?"
Kellan shifts uncomfortably, hearing every word of my soft mutterings. "Do you really want my answer?"
His movents reflect on the glass as he turns to look at the back of my head, probably wondering what's co over today.
"I don't know." My sigh is long, my shoulders slumping at his words. Whatever his opinion is, it's clearly not great. Vanessa was kind in how she approached , and I have no idea what blunt words will co out of Kellan's mouth.
It's pathetic to worry about my hurt feelings when I'm on my way to a funeral, and yet my heart cringes at the thought of another blow.
It hurts more, I think, because I'd been so certain I was growing as a person; now, I feel like I've taken so many steps back.
How do the families of the victims see ?
I shudder away from the thought, wondering how many will be furious to see there. Is this a bad idea?
Kellan turns away again after I don't continue the conversation, and I can see his reflection in the window as he crosses his arms and leans back against his seat, staring straight ahead.
"The answer is both," he says after a while, and my shoulders hunch as he speaks.
He sounds tired.
That makes sense. He's been working overti, watching over his alpha's failure of a mate while trying to find his own.
While complaining about him always being around, how often have I considered how much ti and effort he's put into keeping us safe, even while running the pack in Lucas' absence?
I've known about it. But have I really thought about it?
Thanked him, even when he's heard Lisa and groaning in the other room about our lack of autonomy?
Considered how awful his job was, babysitting two ungrateful won?
It's crazy how a few words from Vanessa can change how mories feel in my head.
There's sothing bitter and sour eating through my stomach as mories fly through my mind, like viewing my own actions on a movie screen.
Selene, for her part, stays quiet, wrestling with demons of her own.
If I hid things from you, how would you feel? I ask Selene as I continue watching the sunset.
Her silence goes on for so long that I'm no longer waiting for her response when she says sothing. If I found out after you did what you needed to do, and you had succeeded, I would have been proud of you for succeeding.
She sounds puzzled and hesitant. Things I would have never associated with Selene before.
It wouldn't hurt you?
No. Why should it? You succeeded in your goal. I don't see the problem.
A hint of frustration tinges her ntal voice.
You've told before that a relationship can't be built on lies.
She's silent again, before murmuring, Trust is vital, yes. And it does not yet exist between the two of you as mates. But once you trust each other, shouldn't you be able to understand why the secret was kept in the first place?
Her words are legitimately bewildered, and I can see it now.
There it is.
The divide between us.
That Selene is not human talk Vanessa gave is sinking in.
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