REAGAN POV
I was taking a walk after having a eting with so of the lords. It was always the sa damn thing. Taxes increase, the rebels and how the crops are dying and how we needed more peasants to till the ground so more crops can grow to last a lifeti. Although it was mainly for the benefit of the nobles and all but I had to sit through it and pretend like I actually care about that when it couldn’t be further from the truth.
My mother took it upon herself to answer most of the questions and also handled the eting. She was taking over and I could tell that worried Nikolai and Miguel but they said nothing, just cast long sided looks. As soon as the eting was over, I stood up and began to take a walk,
I decided to head to the training ground and let off so steam before I decide to hit the tavern. I was walking to my room when I heard a loud shrill cry. There was no denying who the owner of the voice belonged to. I ignored it as usual and was about to walk past the door when I noticed that the door was halfway closed.
I paused for a minute and I looked around wondering why the door was left unprotected. There were no guards on sight and why on earth wasn’t there any nurse on sight? I asked myself before I took a deep breath and walk past the room but Ivar released another loud cry before I could walk far.
There was also sothing different about this cry of his. It was almost like he knew I was standing outside and he wanted to hear him. There was sothing about his cry that made walk backwards and before I knew it, I was pushing the door open.
I stared at the crib in the center of the room where I knew he was busy crying, yelling for my attention. My legs carried towards the crib, my gaze dropping towards the baby crying loudly. I peered down and two pair of small dark eyes stared up at mine. The shrill cry turning into sniffles as he stared up at with mixture of curiosity.
I stared down not saying anything because I just couldn’t. My chest hurt and I could feel my legs trembling as I stared down at the baby. Moisture pooled at my eyes as I stared at the baby and my chest contracted in pain.
This was the first ti that I would be taking a good look at him, the first ti that I would be seeing my son ever since he stepped into this house and I just couldn’t bear the pain. He looks too much like her, too much like her that I couldn’t breathe.
The first tear rolled down my cheek and landed on Ivar’s cheek. He cooed softly before he blinks up at slowly, then a small smile appeared on his chubby cheek as he stared at while kicking his feet and hands in the air.
"What the hell are you smiling at you cheeky bugger?" I asked as I stared down at him, "I do not like you. She’s dead because of you, you know? If she wasn’t pregnant with you in the first place she wouldn’t have been in the mountain in the first place. She would have been here with , right where she was supposed to be from the very beginning. But instead all I got is a baby who screams his lung out and decides everyone in the manor doesn’t get any sleep if he isn’t comfortable. You like giving orders don’t you? Well I do suppose you got that from ." I said and Ivar giggled cooing at again as he threw his hand and feet in the air.
I reached down and I grabbed his hand which he greedily grabbed, trying to shove into his mouth. "You look so much like her and I don’t like it. I really don’t like it and the way you are smiling with that face of yours like you are sohow telling it’s okay you understand is very nerve wrecking. I am not going to change no matter how cute you are." I said and he released another giggle.
Fuck, he is actually very cute! The most beautiful boy I have ever seen, Dahlia gave a beautiful son. Smiling, I reached down to carry him in my arms and the mont I did, he snuggled into my arms, almost like he had been waiting for this exactly for this to happen.
Greedy little bugger! He want’s hugs but Dahlia can’t because he made her disappear. "It’s still your fault you know and just because I am carrying you doesn’t an that I have forgiven you. I still don’t like you and I never will, but your mother would kick in the ass if she ever finds out how I am treating you." I said and Ivar blinked slowly at as if to say he completely agrees so I better treat him right.
"Yeah, whatever. I suppose we can both find a mutual ground." I said as I rocked him back and forth, "You stop crying and waking everyone up and I’ll see what I can do to start carrying you, deal?"
I got a gurgle from him which I would translate as yes. I smiled down at him, "Now that’s my boy." I praised, "Now you behave yourself I will make sure that you get enough hugs and also try my best to have so bonding ti. It’s going to be difficult I won’t lie because...damn you look just like her. But you know what? I’ll take care of you but just as long you put in a good word for with your mom when she cos back. Okay, cheeky little bugger?"
"Whoa, those are a lot of big words for a baby, don’t you think?"
I whirled around only to find Nikolai standing at the doorway staring at with Ivar in my arms. I suddenly felt like I was caught doing sothing I shouldn’t have. I turned back to look at Ivar who was now dozing in my arms.
"He was crying and there was no one here." I said and it felt like I was giving an excuse just to see my son, a very la excuse.
Nikolai chuckled as he stepped into the room. He stared down at Ivar who had now fallen asleep in my arms. He smiled down at Ivar, running his hand through his cheek. Ivar made a sound before he snuggled himself in my arms, trying to make himself more comfortable.
"This is really adorable and very surprising." Nikolai continued to stare down at Ivar, "Usually before he falls asleep it usually takes one of the nursing mothers feeding him and Ivana rocking him while I made funny faces before he eventually tires out and falls asleep on Heather’s chest."
Damn, that seems like a lot of process! "I’m so sorry." I apologized, my voice thick with emotion, "I honestly didn’t realize just how much you guys worked to take care of my son. It should have been doing it, it was my responsibility and I ran away from it."
Nikolai shook his head as he patted on the shoulder. "Nah, you shouldn’t worry about it." He said as he patted my shoulders. "We like taking care of little Ivar here. Besides, he may have your eyes but he looks just like her."
"I know and that’s what made so angry. It hurts to look at him." I said as I looked down at Ivar. "He looks so much like her and seeing him just breaks my heart because she could have been here. She should have been here to see this, I can’t do this without her." I said, my tears falling freely now.
"I miss her too. I only knew her a short ti but she was the bravest woman that I know and also funny too."
I tried not to tense too much at the way he referred to her in past tense but it must have shown because Nikolai grabbed by the shoulder. "Reagan, we spent months looking for her. You know there is nothing."
"No, I can’t just believe that."
"I hate it too and I do not want to believe it but the sooner you do, the faster you accept it, the easier it would be for you to move on."
I set Ivar down inside his crib and he made a noise but didn’t wake up. "Except that’s the thing. I do not know if I can move on, actually, I do not want to."
Nikolai looked like he was about to say sothing but he was suddenly interrupted by a knock. We turned around only to et Killian standing at the entrance.
I frowned instantly as I stared at him. "Killian, I didn’t know you were coming."
Killian nodded his head, "Yeah, I had to and besides I didn’t co alone." He said and a hooded figure stepped forward, removing the hood in the process and I was t with familiar green eyes.
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