CONTENT WARNING: Suicidal ideation, ntions of depression.
After Hu Qing left to go after Feng Yi, Kayla was left alone with her thoughts. The look on the man's face when he realized he was only an alarm bell had reminded Kayla of herself. She sighed, absently pulling out the new golden plaque she had been issued after her near brush with death last ti. The dented one was still in her desk, a constant reminder of how callously she had been played by the palace.
It must have been worse for Wenyuan, Kayla lanted. At least I don’t have any familial attachnts to them.
Kayla jolted, shock jarring through her bones as Wenyuan responded, breaking his lengthy silence.
I’m glad you understand, Wenyuan said, sounding incredibly weary.
Wenyuan! Kayla fumbled for what to say first, a little at a loss.
By the way, thank you for saying those things to Wei Guang, Wenyuan said with a small hint of happiness. I’m glad you got so use out of it as well.
I–yeah, that’s fair, but I really did an those words, Kayla protested.
I know. You just have a way of making the most of what you have, Wenyuan replied.
I’ve had lots of practice since even before I ca here.
Kayla didn’t know what to think about Wenyuan’s pensive tone, but she was just glad he was willing to speak at all.
I’m really sorry for the whole situation with Chujiao, Kayla repeated her apology one more ti for good asure.
It can’t be helped, Wenyuan replied. It seed as though it were an expression of reconciliation, but there was sothing off about it that rankled Kayla’s instincts.
Wenyuan, if there’s anything else bothering you, you only need to say the word, Kayla prodded.
There was a long stretch of silence, and Kayla disappointedly accepted that Wenyuan wasn’t interested in continuing the conversation. She sighed, leaning back into the couch.
I don’t want to do this anymore. Wenyuan’s words startled Kayla into sitting up straight.
What? Kayla asked in alarm. What are you talking about? We can’t exactly extract ourselves from this situation without playing the long ga.
Not the situation at court. I an that I don’t want to exist anymore.
Kayla’s mind went numb.
What–
My mother’s magic should’ve rged our souls a long ti ago, it was your nullification magic that’s kept it from happening. You did it subconsciously from what I know.
Wenyuan, what the hell are you talking about?!
I knew it all along, I just didn’t say anything because I still wanted to maintain my self-awareness. But now…I don’t want to continue anymore.
Kayla frowned, her mind spinning as she took in the ramifications of those words. Between Wenyuan's suicidal tendencies and her subconscious use of magic, Kayla felt as though she had been hit in the face. Shaking her head, she forced herself to focus back onto the main point at hand.
What are you saying?! How can you think that?! We’re doing better now, aren’t we?!
Kayla shot to her feet, nearly upending the chair. Panic was beginning to set in as she realized Wenyuan wasn’t joking.
You want to kill my grandfather.
I–I’m not going to actually murder him or anything! I just– Kayla stopped, realizing what she was planning to do wasn’t any better. We don’t have any other choice! And it’s not like he’s actually your grandfather, not to ntion that he’s always treated you like shit!
For you, it’s a reasonable choice. For , it’s parricide. I can’t do it, and I can’t condone it! Do you really want to force into a position of being unfilial and disloyal?
Wenyuan, we can discuss this, Kayla pleaded. If you're really against it, I can try to find another option.
It’s not just that. I’m tired. I thought that even though I was useless, there were still so people who genuinely cared about , people I could actually trust. But grandmother’s more than happy to toss at the enemy like a scrap of bait, uncle has always looked the other way, and now Chujiao…Chujiao’s family and mine are generational enemies. There’s nothing left for . I don’t even have any control over what happens.
Kayla pushed herself away from the couch, slowly pacing through the room. Belatedly, she realized that her hands were shaking.
I can’t deny any of that, but we’ve found other allies. Look how well Matron Li treats you! And-and there’s Caichun, Sun Ruhui, and Hu Qing, it’s not like we’re completely isolated without help, Kayla argued.
Those are your allies. Not mine. I never could’ve gotten them to help , they only would have looked down on or pitied . You’re the one who they’re willing to support.
That’s not true, Kayla protested. It was, which really didn’t help her case.
Kayla, I’m scared. I don’t want to die again.
“That’s not happening!” Kayla snapped. She breathed out in an angry huff, hastily silencing her voice.
That’s not happening, haven’t I been working all this ti to get us out of that ss?!
Wenyuan was silent.
You–you would rather stop existing than stick around?! You have here to fix things, don’t you?!
Kayla’s speed increased as she indignantly went back and forth across the room.
I’m of no more help to you. All you have to do is remove the block you’ve placed on the spell, and it will proceed as it’s supposed to.
So you won’t be convinced?! Kayla whirled around, frantic and without a channel for her frustration.
It’s not easy for to co to a decision like this, Wenyuan said heavily.
I’m not doing it. Kayla’s jaw was clenched so tightly she could hear her teeth grinding against one another.
It’s not up to you!
Enough already! You don’t even know what you’re asking of !
You don’t have the right to refuse my choice, Wenyuan replied. Unless you’re willing to grant my wish, there’s no need for further words between us.
Wenyuan!
There was nothing but silence, leaving Kayla startlingly alone. She gave an angry snarl, grabbing a cushion from the sofa and hurling it at the wall.
“Fuck!” Kayla shouted.
The cushion hit the wall just as the window opened to Hu Qing’s confused expression.
“Are you alright?” Hu Qing demanded. Kayla paced back and forth, running a hand over her face as she tried to calm herself.
“I’m fine,” she replied. “Just having a mont. Don’t mind , go and get so rest.”
Hu Qing didn’t move. “Are you sure? You don’t look so well.”
Kayla finally managed to get a grip, stilling as the panicked rage faded away.
“I’m fine,” she repeated. “Thank you. I think we just both need so rest.”
Hu Qing nodded uncertainly. “Alright then, if you’re sure. Feng Yi’s safe now, Liu Boyue ca after him but left once he saw .”
Kayla gave him a grateful smile. “Good to know. I’ll think of how to make use of this, thank you”
Hu Qing decided to back down instead of continuing to push. He nodded and took his leave.
Exhausted now that the ss of emotions had washed over her like a riptide, Kayla dropped onto the bed, staring blankly at the ceiling.
Wenyuan, Kayla tried calling to him, but there was no response.
Feeling even more alone than she did before, Kayla sighed, resigning herself to a sleepless night.
After whatever harem fiasco had caused the Emperor to miss his eting with Kayla the day before, the ti was moved to the morning of the following day.
Kayla could feel the weariness in her bones after the high stress levels of last night, and dealing with an impending marriage with a kid who was barely the age of a college freshman was the last thing she wanted.
She got onto the carriage sent by the Imperial Palace, Hu Qing joining her with a carefree wave at the stoic Imperial Guards. She leaned back in her seat as the carriage set off, letting out a tired sigh.
“Your face is rather pale, my lord. Are you alright?” Hu Qing asked, his tone uncharacteristically serious.
Kayla sighed, rubbing at her temples. “I’m fine.”
Hu Qing creased his brow, not convinced in the slightest.
“My lord, is this about Qu Boyong?”
“I fucking wish it was about Qu Boyong, at least I’d know how to deal with it,” Kayla bit back. She paused, catching sight of Hu Qing’s raised eyebrows. “I’m sorry, I didn’t an to snap at you.”
“Not at all, I don’t mind. But is there anything at all that I should be preparing for or worrying about?” Hu Qing asked. He paused. “Or do you need a doctor?”
“No, I’m fine. The Grand Duke doesn’t want to look at , much less bother to raise a hand against ,” Kayla replied. She let out a deep sigh. “It’s…nothing you need to worry about. I’m just a little out of it, so private matters from the past.”
“Alright, but it is the Emperor you’re eting with. Try to move your thoughts away from those things and gather yourself,” Hu Qing pointed out. He frowned, reaching over to smooth out a fold in Kayla’s outermost robe. “Did you dress yourself?”
“Why, are my robes a ss?” Kayla asked, glancing down.
Hu Qing shook his head. “Your robes are fine. But you should really get so servants of your own, or they won’t have any seniority in the household once you're married. The palace will definitely supply a whole bunch, and so will the Grand Duke, you’ll be at a huge disadvantage without your own people.”
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Shit, I didn’t even think of that.
“Good thinking,” Kayla said. “But they won’t last in the Zhao household.”
“No one said they have to stay there. Don’t you have any other properties? If not, just give so money and I’ll rent a small place and keep them there. The title of seniority is what matters, not if they’ve actually served you. It’s about ti we started preparing,” Hu Qing warned.
“Indeed,” Kayla muttered, shaking her head. “Speaking of, have you found Xianchun’s rats?”
Hu Qing nodded. “They’re pretty careful, good at covering their tracks to boot. But you can find them if you know what to look for. I actually realized who they were because they were cleaning up their act after Feng Yi was caught last night. Shall I just uncover so of their tracks to expose them?”
“Yes, but make sure to ti it right. If we ss up and they get killed before I can swoop in and snatch them away, then the Seventh Prince will be furious,” Kayla said, letting out a sigh.
“Easy enough. I’ll take care of it, make it nice and dramatic,” Hu Qing replied gleefully.
Kayla wryly shook her head, but couldn’t withhold a small smile at that.
“Do what you want.”
The carriage pulled to a stop outside the Inner Palace. Kayla got off, heading in while Hu Qing waited outside.
“Wenyuan humbly greets His Majesty the Emperor,” Kayla bowed as she entered the Emperor’s study.
“Wenyuan, co on in! No need to be so formal, sit down and let’s talk. You’ve been busy recently, haven’t you? Look at you, you’ve lost weight,” the Emperor said with a fond smile.
“Not at all, uncle. Thank you for your concern,” Kayla replied politely.
The Emperor waved off her thanks. “Wenyuan, you know of your upcoming marriage to the princess of the Eastern Turkic Khagante, don’t you? It’s ti we cented the plans.”
Kayla bowed her head slightly. “Wenyuan will follow uncle’s arrangents.”
The Emperor chuckled, eyes squinting as he smiled broadly. “The princess is rumored to be rather pretty, and cos with a dowry of quite a few horses. Of course, the bridal gifts have been covered by the Treasury, since this is a matter of state.”
Kayla nodded along politely as the Emperor continued to animatedly describe the plans.
He ca to a pause, letting out a soft sigh. “Despite its political significance, this feels more like I’m arranging a marriage for one of my sons.”
Kayla’s heart jumped a beat in surprise. “I am deeply grateful for Uncle’s kindness!”
The Emperor bead at her. “But of course! They say a maternal uncle and his nephew are like father and son.”
She bowed her head slightly. “Indeed, Uncle has always treated with infinite benevolence beyond what I can possibly repay.”
The Emperor chuckled, shaking his head. “What’s this talk of repaynt between family? There’s no need for all that! Wenyuan, you’re about to beco the man of your household, you’ll be the pillar of your family as a husband and a father, but know that you can always turn to your uncle here. The palace will also provide the residence, there’s no need for you to worry about any of the details. Well, how are you feeling? Excited to have a wife?”
Kayla bashfully avoided his curious look. “I…I’m hoping that I will be able to fulfill my role as a husband properly,” she replied. “After all, I’ve never been married before.”
The Emperor threw his head back and laughed, the sound bouncing off the walls.
“As expected of you! Don’t worry, you’ll do just fine. What girl wouldn’t be lucky to have my nephew as a husband? Tell the truth, are you worried the Turkic princess will be too wild for you?” The Emperor asked teasingly.
Kayla let out a sigh. “Uncle, please don’t mock ! I’m nervous enough as it is!”
The Emperor devolved into another bout of laughter.
“What have you to be nervous about? Your mother wasn’t half this nervous before her wedding, much less during her engagent!”
Kayla shook her head dejectedly. “I’m afraid that my courage does not asure up to my mother’s in this regard.”
“It’s because she’s a princess, isn’t it? Don’t worry about it too much, with your personality, you’re sure to be capable of dealing with her. Rember, before she is your wife, she is a political representative of the Khaganate. Even if you’re inexperienced as a husband, are you not experienced as a politician?” The Emperor asked.
“Thank you for your reassurance, Uncle,” Kayla replied. It did, in fact, help to think of the princess as a political actor rather than a marriage partner. Power over family, calculations over trust, it was a familiar dynamic that she knew how to navigate, just packaged a little differently.
“But I suppose your sentints are understandable. She is a princess, after all, it won’t do for you to be at a disadvantage in the marriage,” the Emperor said.
“I will do my best to establish a proper relationship,” Kayla promised.
The Emperor shook his head. “That’s not what I an. You have the blood of the Imperial family, how can I let her look down on you? This is not just a matter of husband and wife, but also a matter of the state. Do you understand?”
Kayla lowered her head. “May I humbly ask for Uncle’s advice?”
“As you are, there’s nothing for her to turn her nose up at. Whether it’s personality, looks, or talent, you’re the cream of the crop. In terms of bloodline, you’re not at a disadvantage either. But you have no title of your own, and your relationship with the Imperial family is on your mother’s side,” the Emperor said. “I plan to redy that.”
Kayla glanced up at him in confusion.
“I plan to bestow upon you the surna of Zhou,” the Emperor announced.
Oh shit.
Kayla stared at him with wide eyes before hastily collecting herself and bowing her head.
“How dare I accept such an honor of which I am undeserving? My virtue is insufficient to receive such a blessing!”
He’s really going for the kill. The Zhao clan’s done for! And what the fuck happens to if I get that fucking surna?! Not a single one of the princes will be happy with it, the balance I’ve worked so hard to create will be destroyed right away, and I’ll beco the target of all of their wrath!
“Don’t be so humble, Wenyuan. I would not bestow this upon you if I thought you ill-suited. Your grandmother also agrees with on this,” the Emperor said encouragingly, oblivious to the growing panic in Kayla’s chest.
“Uncle, I am truly grateful beyond what words can describe! Even if I serve as your cattle or horse for several lifetis, it would still be insufficient to repay the kindness and generosity I have received. But an Imperial bestownt is not a matter of small consequence, it also has ramifications for the political affairs of the state. If I accept it due to the personal benefit it will bring without considering the larger consequences it would have for the Wu Dynasty, that would be too ungrateful!” Kayla hastily protested in a quavering voice.
The Emperor frowned, the joviality fading from his face. “Why, Wenyuan, I would’ve thought you to be pleased at the news! What need have you of these needless concerns? You would refuse this?”
Kayla hesitated. Shit, should I just accept? Maybe I’ve just gotten lucky and this really is the way out.
She imdiately dismissed that possibility. Not with my luck, that’s for sure. It’s impossible. But can I even refuse him? What the Emperor does not give you, you can’t desire, but what he gives you, you can’t refuse. If I piss him off, the Emperor’s intentions could still beco known to the court, and then I’ll have insulted everyone. But accepting it signs the Zhao clan’s death warrant, and it could be the end of as well, if they really see as a serious threat to their chances for the throne, even Kuang’s magnanimity will have its limits!
Kayla wanted to bash her head against the stone floor.
“Uncle and grandmother have shown imnse care and kindness throughout my life. After my mother’s passing, you were the ones who offered comfort and shared in my grief, the depths of my gratitude and respect are like the ocean itself. My only wish is to serve you as your nephew and subject until the very end of my life,” Kayla said.
The Emperor’s eyes softened, and Kayla pushed on. “Even if I never received any titles or compensation, I would be grateful that you have allowed to remain at your side. Uncle, my mother always told that as a descendant of the Imperial family, I must always think for the good of the Emperor and the dynasty before my own needs. Grandmother and uncle are willing to bestow such an imnse honor upon due to their affection, but I have yet to achieve any accomplishnts to make worthy of such a thing. If I accept, those who have received a bestownt due to their rits will be dissatisfied and question uncle’s judgnt.”
Kayla paused, hastily grasping for a way out.
Right, there’s my new godfather. If I drag him into this, the Emperor won’t be offended, and that’ll buy more ti as well!
“As the ancient greats said, if the na is not proper, it will be difficult to justify. If the explanation does not make sense, then the matter will not proceed smoothly. Though I do not dare to reject Uncle’s generosity, may I humbly suggest that this matter is further deliberated?” Kayla said. “The scholars of the Hanlin Academy may be able to find a way to justify the bestownt in a way that satisfies the court and allows Uncle’s benevolence to be properly understood.”
The Emperor nodded thoughtfully. “A good idea, Imperial Edict Bearer Wei should also be consulted on this matter.” His gaze flicked back to Kayla, glinting with approval. “Wenyuan, I’m deeply reassured to see how much you’ve matured. To think that the child who used to tug at my sleeves is now such a steadfast and thoughtful young man! Your mother’s soul in the heavens would certainly be comforted by your growth.”
Kayla bowed her head. “Any progress I’ve made is thanks to grandmother and uncle’s education by example and your careful guidance!”
Thank god, that buys so ti.
It was clear now that the Grand Duke had to go, permanently. There was no longer room for hesitation, not with Kayla’s dwindling options.
“Wenyuan, I admit that it is not just for the sake of your marriage that I wish to bestow the surna of Zhou upon you,” the Emperor continued. At Kayla’s curious look, he gave a small smile. “I want you to keep my sons alive.”
Kayla’s heart stuttered, skipping a beat. What?
“It is my duty as a subject to serve and defend the Imperial Family,” Kayla replied.
The Emperor shook his head. “Not like that. I an to keep them from killing each other.”
Kayla felt the world slow down around her. “Uncle,” she began uncertainly, not knowing what to ask.
“Each one of my sons is brilliant, prideful, and more ruthless than you might know,” the Emperor said heavily.
Oh trust , I know. If anything, I’m surprised that you’re aware. You certainly didn’t seem to be in the original tiline.
“I fear that neither Kuang nor Xianchun will truly accept the other’s victory, and that it will end in fraticide,” the Emperor continued. “You have a kind and loyal heart, and the ability to navigate the murky waters of the court, it is my hope that you will serve for my sons what Wei Guang served for and my brothers.”
With a burst of realization, Kayla understood exactly why the Empress Dowager despised Wei Guang now. He had been the moderator of the previous round, and now she was getting pushed into the sa role.
If you do well, you gain long-lasting respect and power. If you fail, you die. Kayla wanted to protest that Xianchun was much more bloodthirsty than anyone in the Emperor’s generation, but stopped herself before blurting it out.
“This one does not dare compare his abilities to the Imperial Edict Bearer,” Kayla said, neither accepting or refusing.
“Indeed, Wei Guang was more experienced than you are now by the ti he acted as a force of temperance for my generation. But you have your advantages, and will have the surna Zhou to give your actions more weight,” the Emperor said encouragingly, taking her noncommittal statent as acceptance. “I will discuss this with Wei Guang and see how to proceed, he will also be there to support and advise you.”
Shit, his heart is steeled to see this through. But it’s no wonder, with the situation the three princes are in right now. This Emperor barely had to compete at all, of course he didn’t need to kill his brothers.
Seeing that there was nothing more she could do at the mont, Kayla bowed her head with a heavy heart.
“Thank you, Uncle. I’m deeply grateful for your faith in .”
Cultural Notes
赐姓/Bestowing Surnas: A practice for rewarding subjects who have achieved great rits, often seen in Ancient China. Several important generals during the Tang Dynasty were given this treatnt. In Wenyuan's case, the Emperor is already his 舅父/Maternal Uncle (sotis understood as your father figure from the maternal line), so if he also gains the Zhou surna, the Emperor would more-or-less also beco his 义父/Godfather, which would make Wenyuan too much of a threat in the eyes of Xianchun.
亲舅如父子/A maternal uncle and his nephew are like father and son: A Chinese saying that refers to the closeness and cooperation between maternal uncles and their nephews, often even more so than with paternal nephews (especially if you were wary of their fathers). In the Han Dynasty, the famous general Huo Qubing was the maternal nephew of Emperor Wu of Han, and was veritably doted upon by his uncle (for good reason). Similarly, Ming dynasty general Li Wenzhong was the maternal nephew of Emperor Hongwu of Ming. Many Emperors also relied heavily on their maternal uncles in gaining the throne.
一家之主/Master of the household: An Ancient Chinese proverb referring to the patriarch of a family, but can also be used to refer to a matriarch who shoulders the household's responsibilities, often after being widowed.
驸马/Prince Consort/Husband of a Princess: If Princess Consort is the wife of a Prince, then Prince Consort is the husband of a princess. This was an honored position that ca with great benefits, but it also often ant a power imbalance within the marriage that privileged the wife, a rare subversion of the usual expectations for a wife to submit to her husband. In so dynasties, the son-in-laws of the Emperor were given important responsibilities since they were considered trustworthy as "part of the family", while in others, they were prevented from taking important posts or from participating in politics altogether (looking at you, Song dynasty and Ming dynasty).
和亲/Heqin Political Marriage Policy: A common diplomatic asure used in Ancient China, usually with a princess marrying out. Usually worked with varying degrees of success, but rarely ended up with lasting peace. In the Qing Dynasty, this often happened the other way around, with Mongolian won marrying into the Manchurian Imperial family with high ranks as a way to cent the Mongolian-Manchurian alliance.
当牛做马/Serve as your cattle or horse: An Ancient Chinese proverb referring to the determination to repay soone, even if it were as their cattle or horse (hyperbole).
悉心关照/Extrely attentive care: An Ancient Chinese proverb.
一无所取/Have not gained a single accomplishnt: An Ancient Chinese proverb.
受之有愧/Would be ashad to accept: An Ancient Chinese proverb that usually refers to considering oneself unworthy of accepting an honor, position, or reward that one considers themselves undeserving of.
名不正则言不顺，言不顺则事不成/If the na is not proper, it will be difficult to justify. If the explanation does not make sense, then the matter will not proceed smoothly: A quote by Confucius referring to the importance of doing things the proper way and the importance of using the right justification to go about it.
萧墙之祸/Disaster of the inner walls: An Ancient Chinese proverb from the pre-Qin era referring to conflict within a household over power and succession.
恩深似海/Kindness as deep as the ocean: An Ancient Chinese proverb. The 恩/kindness here is actually better translated to moral debt, an important concept in Ancient China where one was expected to have gratitude for and to repay kindness and help in kind.
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