Rei just wanted a roommate who didn’t carry weapons in their pajamas.
Unfortunately, the universe had filed that request under "HAHA, NO."
Royal Magic Academy — Headmaster’s Office. Rei sat nervously across from the Headmaster’s desk, sipping chamomile tea with both hands like it might ward off the chaos. Across from him, the Headmaster—an aging archmage known for surviving six magical wars and three administrative audits—looked like a man facing his final boss.
"I’ve reviewed your housing application, Lord Rei," the Headmaster said, eyes twitching. "Normally, new students are assigned a random roommate. However, your situation is... unique."
Rei tried to smile. "I prefer the term cursed."
A knock echoed through the chamber.
"Enter," the Headmaster sighed.
A secretary stumbled in, pale and sweating, carrying a stack of glowing parchnt that pulsed ominously like they were written in blood. Probably because they were.
"We... we’ve received five requests."
"Five?" Rei asked, already getting that bad feeling.
The secretary nodded. "All requesting to be Lord Rei’s... exclusive dormmate."
The Headmaster stood up, backed away from the desk, and whispered, "Oh gods, they’ve started."
[System Notification: Incoming Chaos Detected.]
[Five Applications Submitted for Dormitory Co-Habitation Rights.]
[WARNING: All applicants have yandere tendencies exceeding recomnded limits.]
[Suggested Action: Flee. Preferably off-plane.]
Application #1: Princess Seraphina Nightgale
Filed in glittering holy ink, scented with roses and threats
Reason for Request: "As the first to kiss his soul (Chapter 4, see footnotes), I claim divine priority."
Claid Skillset: Laundry miracles, heavenly lullabies, divine smiting of unworthy roommates.
Additional Notes: Attached a legally-binding celestial marriage license. Dated tomorrow.
Application #2: Drakana Flascale
Written on a charred slab of obsidian
Reason for Request: "I require proximity to my mate. And my mating pillow. And my backup mating pillow."
Claid Skillset: Fireproofing, bed-warming, duel deterrence via spontaneous combustion.
Additional Notes: Threatened to roast competing applicants like marshmallows.
Application #3: Lilia of the Crimson Faith
Written in red ink. Probably ink.
Reason for Request: "Proximity enhances daily worship. I will not be far from my god husband. Not again."
Claid Skillset: Emotional support, scripture chanting, knife throwing (minor skill).
Additional Notes: Included five hymns dedicated to Rei’s smile.
Application #4: Rosette the Silent
Delivered via enchanted crow. No return address.
Reason for Request: (Blank)
Claid Skillset: (Filed as "everything")
Additional Notes: Parchnt contained micro-runes. Analysis revealed spyware and a tracker rune. Paper burst into flas after 5 seconds.
Application #5: Velveria Von Thornheart
Written on perfu-soaked paper laced with subtle poison
Reason for Request: "I must observe his nightly habits to better protect him."
Claid Skillset: Ward maintenance, hex prevention, ’restraint techniques.’
Additional Notes: Doodled a picture of Rei chained to a bed labeled "SAFE ZONE."
The Headmaster collapsed into his chair like a man hit by a dragon.
"I’m too old for this," he muttered.
Rei stared at the ceiling. "Can I request a roommate who’s not a yandere?"
The Headmaster barked a laugh. "My boy, in this school? You’re lucky they’re students."
[System Notification: New Title Unlocked — "Dormitory Disaster Catalyst"]
[Bonus Perk: Your bed now has reinforced anti-snuggle wards.]
[They will fail imdiately.]
Later That Day – School Courtyard
Rei tried to blend in among the normal students. He wore a cloak, sunglasses, and a fake mustache enchanted to sprout twirling ends when nervous.
It was not enough. A bell rang from the Academy Tower.
A magical gaphone crackled. "Attention students! The Great Roommate Debate will comnce in the central arena in ten minutes. Bring popcorn and shields."
Rei froze. "What—what debate?"
He didn’t have to wait long.
The Arena – 10 Minutes Later
It looked like a gladiator pit. Magical spotlights swirled and a floating announcer orb blinked excitedly.
"Welco to today’s featured bloodbath—uh, we an debate!"
Five won entered from opposite sides of the arena.Each wore customized academy uniforms tailored to their unique brands of obsession.
Seraphina in shining white and gold, wielding a ceremonial staff with Rei’s initials carved into it.
Drakana in crimson leather with lava-thread embroidery.
Lilia in full religious garb, carrying a banner that read "COHABITATION = CONSECRATION."
Rosette appeared without sound or warning, already standing in the center with a pillow labeled "Spy-Chan Mk II."
Velveria arrived via portal, riding a cursed throne that bled from the legs.
The crowd roared. The Headmaster could be seen discreetly boarding a griffin in the background.
"Start the argunts!" the announcer declared.
Round One starts.
Seraphina stepped forward.
"I offer peace, healing, divine protection, and breakfast in bed. Also, I sll like roses and Rei kissed first."
Drakana snorted, shooting a gout of fla into the sky. "He shares my soul. My pillow still slls like him from three weeks ago."
Lilia pulled out a scroll. "Article 7 of the Gospel of Rei states: ’Thou shalt not let other won near thy blanket.’"
Rosette just stared, dead-eyed, at the other four. They flinched.
Velveria sighed lodramatically. "I, unlike the rest of you, actually know how to use a sleeping hex. He’ll choose willingly. Eventually."
Round Two
Each girl unveiled a miniature model of what their dorm room would look like if Rei chose them.
Seraphina’s featured golden drapes, heart-shaped beds, and constant ambient harp music.
Drakana’s had lava flooring, dragon-scale quilts, and a sparring pit for "pillow fights."
Lilia’s was a shrine. Just a shrine. With one large bed surrounded by candles and portraits of Rei’s face.
Rosette’s was a sterile surveillance room with a single cot and a hundred runes blinking [REI STATUS: ALIVE].
Velveria’s looked like a dungeon. Because it was a dungeon. But with very fluffy handcuffs.
Rei stared, slack-jawed.
[System Suggestion: Consider a cave in the woods.]
[New Location Unlocked: "Runaway Bachelor Hideout" — Travel Cost: One sanity.]
Final Round
Suddenly, the announcer orb flashed red.
"Oh ho! The debate has entered the bonus round: Sudden Death Overti! The girls must now answer the following question—"
The orb paused for effect.
"WHAT IS REI’S FAVORITE FLAVOR OF TEA?"
The crowd gasped.
Rei blinked. "I... I’ve never said—"
"PEPPERMINT!" all five shouted at once.
They paused then turned to glare at one another. Rosette pulled out a teacup filled with it and Drakana threw a fireball and the arena exploded.
Three Hours Later – Ruins of the Arena
Smoke curled into the sky. The dorm request forms lay in ash. The Headmaster was last seen riding his griffin toward retirent in a different country.
Rei sat on a scorched bench with soot in his ears and a tea bag stuck to his shirt.
Seraphina sat beside him. "You’ll choose eventually."
"No, ," Drakana said, her arm draped over his back.
Lilia was polishing a frad marriage license. Rosette sipped tea in perfect silence.
Velveria licked the ash off a spoon. "This was a productive day."
[System Update:]
Roommate Assignnt: REJECTED
Reason: You are a shared liability.
Solution: New Room Created — Rei’s Panic Room (Location: Sub-basent, Vault 7)
Perks: Anti-woman barrier (will fail in 6 hours)
Sanity Recovery Rate: 1 per hour (decreases with cuddling proximity)
The Sub-Basent – Vault 7: Rei’s Panic Room
Three Minutes After Installation
Rei stood in the middle of his so-called safe room. It was... underwhelming.
Stone walls, a reinforced steel door, no windows and one flickering crystal lamp. A bed that looked like it had survived a wizard civil war. And a bookshelf full of "How to Escape Possessive Wives Vol. I–XXIX."
[System Note: Welco to your new safe zone!]
[Soundproofing: 50% (Yandere-resistant, not yandere-proof)]
[Ventilation System: Functional. Mostly.]
[Occupancy Limit: 1 (You.)]
[Danger Level: Internal psychological collapse imminent.]
Rei collapsed onto the bed.
"Maybe now I can rest..."
CLANK.
The floor panel shifted and a square tile popped open.
Rosette’s head erged. She stared at him. "...No," Rei whispered.
She handed him a warm cup of peppermint tea then slowly retreated, tile closing behind her.
Rei looked down at the cup. "...I didn’t even hear her cast anything."
He took a sip and it was perfect.
"Damn it. Why are they all so terrifyingly competent?"
A knock echoed from the supposedly impenetrable steel door.
"Darling," ca Seraphina’s voice, muffled but determined. "I’ve brought your evening scriptures and a cuddly divine plush!"
Rei curled into a ball. "Go away..."
Another knock and this ti it was lower.
It growled. "Mate. I’ve baked cookies. They may be slightly on fire but it’s the thought that counts."
Then ca the clanging of holy symbols and chanting. Lilia, undoubtedly, holding a full moonlight ritual outside his panic room.
The final voice was just... unsettling.
"Rei, sweetling," Velveria purred, "I’m installing a romantic curse barrier around the entire hallway. It may burn, but you’ll dream of ."
Boom.
A puff of purple smoke drifted under the door.
[System Notification: Cursed Atmosphere Detected. Mood effects: "Unwillingly Seduced by Ambient Perfu."]
[You are now under the status: FLIRTY PANIC.]
Rei rolled over, stuffing a pillow over his face.
"I hate everything," he mumbled.
Spy-Chan the pillow vibrated. A small screen blinked on the corner of its tag.
ssage from Rosette: "You forgot your midnight vitamins. Coming in now."
Rei bolted upright. "No! System! Reinforce the door!"
[System Error: Reinforcent failed. Love Overload detected.]
[System Suggestion: Accept your fate.]
The door creaked. Rosette stepped inside with a warm blanket.
Rei groaned and surrendered. "...Fine. But no trackers tonight."
She said nothing, but the blanket definitely beeped as she tucked him in.
To be continued...
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