The Velvet Kingdom’s sun rose peacefully over the capital. Birds chirped, Bells tolled and The sky shimred blue.
And the palace promptly exploded into administrative panic.
"YOUR MAJESTY! We—we’ve received five royal wedding invitations—simultaneously!"
King Aurelius dropped his scepter, spilling his morning wine over the map of territorial alliances.
"Five weddings?! To the sa man?! On the sa day?!" he roared.
"Yes, Sire!" the ssenger squeaked. "They’re all signed... by the sa groom... Lord Rei Velmont."
King Aurelius stared at the five velvet-sealed letters splayed on his desk like magical cursed cards of doom.
He picked up the first.
—From Princess Seraphina of the Empire of Radiant Fla.
"On behalf of the Imperial House of Solar Ascension, we invite the court to celebrate the eternal union of His Radiant Highness Lord Rei and Her Most Graceful Celestial Princess Seraphina. Please wear gold."
The second was scented with dragonfire ash.
—From Drakana of the Redscale Dominion.
"Wedding duel will comnce at noon sharp. Attendees will be spared unless they object. Fla-resistant garnts suggested."
The third had red embroidery and the faint sll of baby shampoo.
—From Lady Lilia Velmont.
"We’re getting married. Everyone’s invited. Even if Rei doesn’t rember. I have photo evidence."
The fourth was written on obsidian parchnt.
—From Lucivella, Demon Queen of the Ninth Layer.
"Marriage pact finalized. Royal Binding Sigil burned into target’s subconscious. Attendance is mandatory. Those who resist will be unmade."
The fifth... wasn’t even paper. It was a single, freshly severed assassin’s mask.
—From Rosette.
"His heartbeat belongs to . Wedding scheduled and Attendance is optional but Escape is not."
King Aurelius promptly fainted.
anwhile...
Rei Velmont woke up in his quarters with a strange tallic taste in his mouth and five ominous magical seals glowing on his bedroom ceiling.
The door burst open.
"GOOD MORNING, FUTURE HUSBAND!" yelled all five girls in horrifying harmony.
Rei sat up. "...Nope, No, this is a hallucination. This is lava wine hangover. I’m still in the volcano, aren’t I?"
Seraphina held up her phone.
"Smile! I need a groom photo for the Radiant Tis! We’re on the front page next week!"
Lilia skipped to his side with a spoonful of porridge. "Don’t worry, Rei! I pre-wrote our vows when we were six! You loved them!"
Drakana cracked her knuckles. "I forged our rings from the heart of a star. It’ll only lt your finger a little."
Lucivella licked a contract with blood-red lipstick. "It’s legally binding now, sweetheart. You said ’yes’ when you choked last night. Consent through suffering counts."
Rosette blinked from behind his curtain. "I made your tuxedo from your old clothes. It still slls like you."
Rei scread internally.
[System Notification: You are currently the groom in five royal weddings. Estimated political backlash if you cancel: catastrophic. Estimated survival chance if you proceed: uncertain.]
[System Suggestion: Fake coma. Fake death. Fake ti travel.]
"I choose amnesia," Rei said out loud.
Location: Royal Velvet Throne Room, Ten Minutes Later
"AMNESIA?" Princess Seraphina shouted, slamming a bouquet into the floor. "That’s the worst excuse I’ve ever heard!"
"It’s very sudden," Lucivella hissed, her shadows coiling around her chair.
Drakana cracked her neck. "He rembered enough to flinch when I kissed him."
"He said ’yes,’" Lilia added sweetly, holding up the porcelain teacup with a bite-marked ring inside.
Rosette simply nodded and raised a small shrine she made from his baby photos.
The Royal Council, led by Chancellor rtigan, collectively clutched their hearts.
"Lord Velmont, you must clarify," the Chancellor said, sweating. "Which of these noble ladies do you intend to marry?"
"Technically... none? Also technically... all of them?"
[System Warning: Diplomacy failure imminent. Begin emotional damage shielding.]
A noble collapsed in the background.
Chancellor rtigan dabbed his brow. "You... cannot marry five empire-level noblewon. That would cause—"
BOOM!
A small assassination squad exploded through the stained-glass ceiling, daggers drawn—
"REI VELMONT MUST PERI— oh. Oh no."
The assassins all froze and the leader blinked. It was a woman in sleek black leather. Her dagger dropped.
"Oh no," she whispered again, blushing. "He’s... he’s cuter than the mission file said."
Rei blinked. "What."
"Stand down!" the assassin barked at her own squad. "Change of plans. We protect him now. No one harms that face!"
A second assassin gasped. "Wait, he’s the guy in the Demon Queen’s mirror selfies?! I stan!"
Rosette slowly raised her eyebrow. "...Are you competing with ?"
"NO!" the assassins cried in unison, backing away into the shadows with swooning faces.
King Aurelius, still on slling salts, whispered to his scribe: "Add ’assassins defected out of romantic attraction’ to the report."
Later: In the Broom Closet of Despair
Rei curled up in fetal position next to mop buckets and broken dreams.
"Okay," he whispered. "Deep breaths. Maybe if I just disappear into a forest and beco a goat herder..."
The broom beside him tilted.
Rosette peeked in. "You’re cute when you try to flee."
Rei scread.
Back in the Royal War Room
The wedding crisis had escalated to DEFCON 1. Magical scrolls were flying. Military alliances were trembling. Nobles were dueling with cakes.
"Lord Velmont cannot marry all five won at the sa ti!" shouted General Thorn.
"Then he must choose!"
"He can’t! The Radiant Empire is preparing fireworks! The Demon Queen just sent another ’honeymoon simulation’ dinsion!"
"Rosette is watching us through the walls!"
"WHAT?!"
"Relax, she does that every Tuesday."
anwhile: Rei, Desperate and Clutching a Feather Duster
He activated the [System Escape nu].
[Options:
(1) Flee to mountains (97% fail rate)
(2) Marry them all (ntal HP -9999)
(3) Reincarnate again (Cooldown: 812 years)
(4) Hide under ceremonial rug]
He selected (4).
Lucivella sat on the rug two seconds later.
He scread again.
Despite all resistance, each noble house had sent their RSVP. Public celebrations had begun. Confetti storms brewed over the cities.
And worst of all...
[System Notification: All Five Royal Weddings Scheduled for the Sa Day. Ti Slot: Noon. Location: Everywhere.]
[System Bonus Objective Unlocked: "Survive the Multi-Wedding." Reward: Freedom? Maybe.]
Rei sat in the middle of his room, shaking.
Lilia walked in and handed him another wedding-thed lunchbox.
He sobbed into the rice. The palace bell rang again and again.
Five tis. The world was watching and so were five fiancées. Simultaneously Rei Velmont passed out.
Face first into a wedding veil. Rei’s dreams were not peaceful.
He found himself trapped in a swirling vortex of flower petals, cake knives, and bridal music played on warhorns. Everywhere he turned, a different version of himself was being fitted into wedding garnts: tuxedo, royal armor, blood pact robes, fla-proof ceremonial chains, and a lace apron for so reason.
Then ca the vows.
"Until death do us part," Seraphina declared, eyes glowing like a small sun.
"I’m death," Lucivella replied cheerfully.
Rei jolted awake with a shriek—
Only to find himself on the floor, wrapped in a roll of bridal tulle like a terrified caterpillar.
Above him stood Butler Gregory, holding a silver tray and looking mildly haunted.
"Master Rei," the butler said carefully, "a sixth wedding invitation has arrived."
Rei’s soul detached slightly.
"A sixth—?" he croaked. "From who? Who could possibly—?!"
Gregory handed him the letter.
It was made of pure white parchnt, sealed with—
"Goddess Eris’s holy mark," Rei whispered, horror blooming like a migraine.
The ssage read:
> By Divine Decree of Accidental Reincarnation Mishap #3487,
You are now spiritually betrothed to as recompense.
Wedding Date: Also Today. Location: Divine Plane.
Dress code: Casual. Bring snacks.
—♥ Your Favorite Goddess Eris (Who Definitely Deserves You More Than These Mortal Thirst Traps) ♥
Rei turned the letter over.
A tiny note was scribbled at the bottom.
> P.S. You looked real kissable in that last nightmare. Just saying.
P.P.S. I blessed your lips. You’re welco.
He flung the letter across the room like it was on fire. Which, to be fair, it started to be.
[System Notification: Divine Marriage Quest Added. Success condition: Don’t get turned into a love totem.]
[System Comnt: Honestly, I’m rooting for the mop at this point.]
Rei sobbed into a curtain. That’s when the fanfare began. The trumpets, The drums, The rhythmic stomping of at least four different marching bands.
He peeked outside.
"...Why is there a parade forming on the front lawn?"
"Each bride is hosting a pre-wedding rally," Gregory answered. "It seems... there may be overlapping processions."
The window exploded with color.
On the eastern side: Seraphina’s radiant unicorns marched through clouds of glitter, while priests sang opera and aerial dancers traced hearts in the sky.
To the west: Drakana’s lava rhinos pounded the earth, surrounded by fla-breathing cheerleaders doing synchronized backflips through molten hoops.
To the north: Lilia’s "nostalgia parade" included papier-mâché floats of their childhood mories, led by sobbing bards in "Team Childhood Friend" shirts.
To the south: Lucivella’s demon battalion chanted wedding vows in abyssal tongue while raising banners of hearts made from stitched human regrets.
And from every shadow...
Rosette’s assassins waved little flags. Each one had Rei’s na carved in blood on one side and "Congratulations, Our Knife Prince!" on the other.
Rei looked at the ceiling.
"I don’t suppose the System offers elopent insurance?"
[System Response: Only in the afterlife.]
Suddenly, the ground shook.
"Oh gods," Rei muttered. "What now?!"
Gregory glanced at his pocket watch.
"That would be the goddess. She’s descending now."
"DESCENDING?!"
Sure enough, outside, a portal of divine glitter exploded open in the sky—and a giant floating wedding cake-shaped spaceship descended with Eris sitting on the cherry, waving an enormous "WIFE MODE ACTIVATED" banner.
All five other brides looked up. Their eyes narrowed. The divine air froze and in perfect unison, they scread:
"SHE’S NOT ON THE GUEST LIST!"
The wedding wars had officially begun. Rei fainted again but harder this ti with confetti in his mouth.
To Be Continued... Again.
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