It was supposed to be a peaceful night. Rei had gone to bed at the unheard-of hour of 9 PM, clutching a pillow embroidered with the words "Let Rest In Peace"—a gift from the System that definitely wasn’t sarcastic.
He had even dared to believe, for 0.2 seconds, that tonight would be different. That he wouldn’t wake up mid-suffocation under a dragon tail, holy light beam, or emotionally charged dagger.
Unfortunately, reality had other plans. More specifically—five yandere won in matching pastel pajamas had other plans.
The door creaked open like a horror movie soundtrack on loop.
"Shhh," whispered Lilia, tiptoeing in with a bowl of porridge. "Don’t wake up Husband. He needs his beauty sleep."
"He already has beauty," Seraphina replied with a royal pout, holding up a diamond-crusted photo of Rei sleeping. "This is from last night. I took 342 shots. This one is my favorite. His eyelash was at a 34-degree angle. Very aesthetic."
Rosette said nothing. She simply held up a hand-crafted sleep tracker, a dagger, and what appeared to be a love letter carved into bone. Probably his.
"I brought marshmallows," Drakana declared, dumping an entire charred wyvern wing onto the bed. "They’re lava-toasted. We’ll cuddle by the fires of chaos!"
Lucivella arrived last, floating in upside down like a sleepy bat princess. "I infused the air with Dream Nectar. It induces group bonding hallucinations. And fertility."
Rei, under the covers, cracked open one eye.
[System Alert: Situation Critical. All five fiancées are in the room. Survival Chance: Haha.]
He shut his eye again.
"Is he... already asleep?" Lilia whispered, kneeling beside him like a devoted priestess at a fluffy shrine.
"Impossible," Seraphina said, narrowing her eyes. "He usually gasps when I enter. Or panics. Or cries."
"He’s fake-sleeping," Rosette murmured. "His breathing is too calm. Suspicious."
Drakana grinned. "Let’s test that."
She raised a claw.
"NOPE. AWAKE. VERY AWAKE." Rei sprang up in bed like a zombie hit by lightning, clutching his blanket like a lifeline. "Nobody touch . I’m delicate."
"Yay!" said Lucivella, spinning midair. "He’s ready for the sleepover!"
"No, no, I’m ready to sleep. You’re just... over."
[System Notification: Welco to Bridal Sleepover Mode!]
[Tonight’s Events: 1) Pillow Fight 2) "Wholeso" Talk 3) Love Oath Circle 4) Midnight Surprise Activity (Lethal).]
Rei stared at the System text blinking above him like a doom prophecy.
"...Can I substitute in a coma?"
It began with a soft puff to the face.
"Lilia," Rei mumbled, dragging the pillow off his head. "Did you just hit ?"
"I tapped you," she said sweetly. "With love."
Seraphina narrowed her eyes. "Tapping is for commoners."
Her pillow glowed. "Royal Fluff Barrage!"
A swarm of satin war-cushions blitzed across the room like cruise missiles. Lucivella deflected them with a dreamy shield of darkness and feathers. Rosette responded with a razor-lined body pillow. Drakana threw an entire mattress.
Rei scread and rolled under the bed.
[System Advice: Stay low and pretend you are furniture.]
He peeked out just in ti to see Rosette leap off the wardrobe and execute a flying body slam onto Lucivella, who teleported behind her, stuck a "Property of Rei" sticker on her back, and vanished.
Lilia, holding a pillow like a sniper rifle, shouted: "Don’t worry Husband! I’ll protect your chastity!"
"What about my bones?!"
THUMP. The mattress landed beside him. The pillow-fight had escalated into what scholars would later call the "Battle of Bedroom Blitz."
After Seraphina cast a mandatory peace treaty over the bedroom (lasting exactly 13 minutes), the girls settled into a heart-shaped circle around Rei’s bed.
Lucivella conjured mood candles. Rosette placed a tea set. Drakana licked a marshmallow off her axe.
"Let’s go around and share how we plan to seduce— I an cherish our beloved fiancé," Seraphina said diplomatically.
Rei raised a hand. "Can I opt out of—"
"No," they all replied.
"Okay! Lilia, you go first!" Seraphina bead.
Lilia held up a scrapbook titled ’Our Perfect Future: Vol. 1 – Eternity.’ "I plan to create the perfect family unit, raise thirteen children, and open a shrine dedicated to our childhood promises."
"Wow," Rei whispered. "That sounds... restraining."
"Rosette?" Seraphina prompted.
Rosette unrolled a scroll of blood-red parchnt.
"According to this graph," she said calmly, "my odds of long-term cohabitation success rise by 342% if I eliminate external variables."
"What external—"
"You," she said, staring at the other girls.
Drakana grinned. "My plan is simpler! I’ll outcuddle all of you. With lava."
Lucivella sighed dreamily. "I already married him in seventeen dream tilines. This is just the encore."
Rei turned to Seraphina, who smiled like a queen unveiling a nuclear missile.
"I’ll convert the national calendar to rotate around our dates. Every day shall be ’Rei Love Day.’"
[System Comntary: Wholeso talk complete. Rei’s ntal fortitude -4.]
The candles flickered.
One by one, the girls clasped hands around Rei, who had been duct-taped to a decorative swan chair.
"I vow," Seraphina said, eyes gleaming, "to love, honor, and ensure you never run away again."
"I vow," Lilia whispered, "to always be within twenty centiters of your heart."
"I vow," Drakana declared, "to be your volcano. Hot, eternal, and destructive."
"I vow," Rosette said softly, "to keep your heartbeat... consistent or revive it as needed."
"I vow," Lucivella intoned, "to haunt your every dream until the stars implode."
Rei was sweating while looking at the System.
[System Response: Please repeat after them or pretend to faint.]
He fainted but It didn’t help.
Just as Rei was being tucked into bed under seventeen blankets, the room dimd.
Lucivella’s eyes glowed. "The final event... has begun."
A trapdoor opened beneath his bed.
"OH CO ON—"
He landed with a soft thud... on a rotating heart-shaped platform.
Above him: a disco ball. And around him: the girls, in matching honeymoon robes.
[System Announcent: Final Challenge—Kiss Roulette.]
[Instructions: Spin the bed. Kiss whoever you land on. Or everyone. We gave up trying to stop them.]
The bed spun.Rei scread. It stopped.
He was upside down. Lilia was closest. But Seraphina leaned in. Rosette’s blade glinted. Drakana drooled. Lucivella floated with dreamy nace.
Then—
BOOM.
They all leaned in at once. It was an Accidental, Quintuple, Kiss. The whole universe paused.
Then:
[System Alert: National Marriage Registry has crashed.]
[System Alert: Five Yanderes’ Affection Maxed Simultaneously.]
[Ergency Protocol Triggered: Activating Honeymoon Simulation Dungeon.]
When Rei next opened his eyes, he was in a fake tropical paradise—complete with sunset backdrop, wedding doves, and a banner that read: "WELCO, HUSBAND."
His ankles were chained (decoratively) to a silk hammock. Yuno.EXE, the System’s AI maid, stood nearby polishing a heart-shaped shovel.
"Welco to the Honeymoon Simulation Dungeon," she said sweetly. "You’ll be staying here forever. Or until you understand true love."
Rei whimpered.
[System Notification: Day 1 of Eternal Romance Begins Now.]
[Mood Forecast: Yandere Overcast With Occasional Smothering.]
He scread into a coconut.
Rei, still dangling from the decorative hammock, looked out over the manufactured sunset.
It was beautiful too beautiful.
"System," he whispered, "why is this actually kind of romantic?"
[System Answer: That’s the neural conditioning. Don’t worry, it wears off after 13 years.]
[Side Note: Stockholm Syndro™ is now a registered in-universe brand.]
He thrashed weakly. The hammock rocked slightly. Sowhere, a harp played itself.
Lucivella strolled into view, wearing a beach hat three tis too large and sipping from a coconut labeled "Soul Nectar: Husband Blend."
"Did you sleep well, Rei?" she asked, voice like velvet being sharpened.
"I wasn’t asleep. I was unconscious from emotional exhaustion."
"That’s still technically rest," she smiled.
From behind a bamboo curtain, Rosette erged in a crimson swimsuit... covered by a full suit of armor.
"Swim training," she said, tossing him a waterproof blade. "For when you try to escape via lagoon."
The lagoon was thirty feet away. It was heart-shaped with sharks, it was pink sharks with bows.
Drakana cannonballed into it seconds later, laughing like a war goddess at spring break.
"Co on in, Rei! The blood temperature’s perfect!"
"Nope," he said, curling deeper into the hammock. "I’m married, insane, and mildly anemic. I deserve peace."
[System Disagreent Detected.]
[New Side Mission Unlocked: Escape the Honeymoon Dungeon Without Falling Deeper in Love.]
[Reward: Sanity (Mythic Tier, Probably Expired).]
He groaned.
A gentle hand touched his cheek. It’s Seraphina. Wearing a sun dress made of light and royalty.
"I wrote you a lullaby in case you panic again," she said. "It’s called ’Hush, My Screaming Groom.’"
Lilia leaned over her shoulder. "And I embroidered the sheet music into your pajamas."
Rei looked down.
He was, in fact, wearing embroidered panic music.
[System Fact: You’re now technically a sentient romance novel.]
He scread again as the hammock swung and Confetti exploded.
Lucivella whispered, "Ah. He’s adjusting."
Velvet doves flew overhead, dropping petals that slled suspiciously like guilt and cinnamon. Rei sobbed into a plush heart pillow. Sowhere, wedding bells rang ominously. The honeymoon had only just begun.
To be continued... (but you already knew that.)
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