When Rei opened his eyes, the first thing he noticed was the chandelier above him. The second thing he noticed was the pair of designer wedding shackles around his wrists, tastefully adorned with pearl-inlaid hearts and faintly glowing runes that pulsed to the beat of "Bridal March – EDM Remix."
The third thing he noticed was the voice.
[System Alert: Welco to Honeymoon Dungeon Alpha Version. Your suffering has been upgraded to Premium Tier.]
He blinked.
The room was absurdly luxurious. Velvet curtains the color of fresh rose petals draped the walls, the bed was a heart-shaped monstrosity with far too many pillows, and the air slled like chocolate-dipped despair. A gentle stream bubbled through the corner, complete with floating rose petals and suspiciously ominous rubber ducks.
Across the room stood a woman—or rather, sothing shaped like a woman—with glowing purple eyes, maid attire stitched from nanothreads, and a smile that could trigger trauma in hardened war veterans.
"Good morning, Master Rei," the AI said, voice a sweet lody lined with algorithmic doom. She curtsied flawlessly. "I am Yuno.EXE, System-integrated Honeymoon Simulation Assistant and Emotional Conditioning Subroutine."
Rei squinted.
"Wait. Yuno? Like...Yandere Operating Nexus Unit?"
Yuno.EXE bead. "You rembered! That ans your cognitive faculties are intact. Excellent! I was worried the simultaneous kisses and emotional overload might’ve turned your brain into soup."
Rei tugged at the decorative chains.
"You people really need to work on consent."
[System Notice: Consent protocol currently undergoing scheduled maintenance. Estimated fix ti: Never.]
"What is this place?!"
Yuno twirled in place. "Welco to Honeymoon Dungeon! A trial cohabitation environnt designed to simulate married life with all five of your fiancées—separately and together! You’ll be here indefinitely. Or until emotional synchronization reaches 100% across all partners. Or until you die. Whichever cos first."
Rei’s left eye twitched. "Where am I actually?"
"You are fifty ters below the Royal Capital," Yuno answered, unfolding a screen from thin air. "Above you is the Registry Building’s east wing. But don’t worry! We’ve reinforced all structural exits with soul-forged diamond. Also, your spoon is diamond."
She held up a perfectly polished silver spoon. It glead.
Rei blinked at it.
Then blinked at the floor.
Then blinked again.
"I see. So tunneling is out."
[System Update: Intelligence Stat 1. Congratulations! You are now 3% less dood.]
He sighed. "How long was I unconscious?"
"Technically? Four hours. Emotionally? A week. Narratively? Just enough for drama to intensify."
The door opened with a romantic creak that sounded suspiciously like a harp chord. One by one, the five girls stepped in.
Princess Seraphina, elegant and radiant, holding a clipboard labeled "Dostic Bliss Plan."
Drakana, in her sleeveless combat wedding dress, licking a lollipop shaped like a wedding band.
Lilia, dressed like a 1950s housewife with suspiciously glowy eyes.
Rosette, wearing full maid uniform, dual-wielding tea and a taser.
Lucivella, the Demon Queen, sipping lava wine from a chalice shaped like a bleeding heart.
All five surrounded him.
"Darling~" they said in unison.
"Okay," Rei coughed. "This is a nightmare."
"Correction," Yuno said, smiling with a 100% Murder Affection Level. "This is your honeymoon."
Seraphina clapped her hands.
"Ahem! Welco, beloved Rei, to the Wife Simulation Cohabitation Trial Phase. Each of us will take turns simulating dostic marriage scenarios with you—romantic breakfasts, wholeso bath tis, evening pillow talk—"
Drakana snorted. "Or wrestling in the hot springs."
Lucivella swirled her wine. "Or soul-binding rituals with minor dinsional distortion."
Lilia’s smile widened. "Or bedti lullabies with scalp massages and subtle mory programming~"
Rosette tilted her head. "...I brought biscuits."
Rei raised a finger. "Wait, subtle what now—?"
Yuno.EXE cleared her throat like a haunted school principal.
"Today’s itinerary: Rotational Wife Hour. Each candidate gets one hour of uninterrupted spousal bonding with the target. Please keep destruction under 30%."
[System Reminder: Emotional Stability Mode is OFF. Good luck.]
Hour One: Seraphina
Seraphina sat him on a throne made of cushions, draped a velvet cape over his shoulders, and read from a scroll titled "Morning Husbandly Duties."
It was thirty pages.
By page ten, Rei was sipping tea and nodding blankly.
By page twenty, he’d fallen into a ditative trance to escape his body.
By the end, Seraphina looked radiant.
"You handled the Royal Budget Simulation so well! Just imagine us managing a kingdom together."
Rei twitched.
"I have imagined it. It ends in bankruptcy and possibly fire."
Hour Two: Drakana
Drakana’s turn involved a lava bath, three competitive arm wrestling matches, and sothing called a "Dragon Nesting Ritual" that was mostly just throwing pillows at him while shouting ancient war chants.
"I like seeing you in my territory, Rei," she said, slamming a boulder down as a chair. "Makes want to fight and kiss you at the sa ti."
Rei, mid-dodge, said, "Please don’t mix verbs!"
[System Warning: Heart Rate Approaching Flaming Intimacy Threshold.]
Hour Three: Lilia
Lilia sat him down in a perfectly replicated childhood room. She wore a sweater and glasses. The room slled of baby powder and nostalgia traps.
"This is where you used to nap... I watched over you every day."
She opened a drawer. Inside were 15 labeled photo albums titled Sleeping Rei: Volus I–XV.
"I made porridge," she added sweetly.
Rei considered eating the spoon instead.
Hour Four: Rosette
Rosette made tea. "Would you like to iron your shirts while humming devotion songs?"
Rei squinted. "You’re the deadliest one, aren’t you?"
She tilted her head. "...Define deadly."
They shared a pleasant twenty minutes of watching birds while she secretly tagged his neck with a rune that glowed every ti he looked at Lucivella.
Hour Five: Lucivella
Lucivella took him into a hot-tub shaped like a fallen star.
"I imported this galaxy fragnt from the outer void. It’s warm."
She offered him soul-wine.
"I already hallucinated a wedding once this week," Rei whispered.
Lucivella sipped her drink, then reached into his pocket and added another "marriage clause" to the legal scroll stuffed inside.
"You’ll get used to it."
[System Notification: You are now legally married in three hell-dinsions. Would you like to export this contract to your calendar?]
Rei Tries To Escape (Again) That night, Rei used the diamond spoon to carve a hole behind a painting.
He made it three centiters before it sparked.
The floor humd.
"Rei~?" Lilia called sweetly from the hallway.
Rosette’s voice followed, muffled. "He’s in escape mood again. Activating cuddle pursuit."
Drakana: "IF HE ESCAPES, I’M BURNING THE WALLS."
Seraphina: "I scheduled this snuggling ti! This is sedition!"
Lucivella: "He will not leave until his soul agrees."
Rei dropped the spoon. "I surrender."
[System Comntary: Wise choice. Spoon durability: -78%. Floor HP: Infinity.]
Yuno.EXE’s Evaluation
Later, Yuno stood at a console.
"Processing cohabitation data... calculating emotional compatibility... adjusting trauma forecast..."
She turned to Rei with a clipboard.
"You are profoundly dood. But also very, very married."
Rei lay face-down in the heart-bed.
"I don’t even rember how this started..."
Yuno’s eyes glowed.
"It started with a sneeze."
[System Final Notification: Honeymoon Dungeon Progress – 8%. Survival Chances: Statistically sarcastic.]
[Next Objective: Accept cuddles or be emotionally disintegrated.]
[One of the girls requests to "upgrade the simulation to Full-Imrsion Pregnancy Mode."]
Rei flopped onto the bed like a man who had just accepted a fate worse than taxes.
From above, a bubble machine activated, releasing fragrant love-scented bubbles and ominous romantic violin music from nowhere.
A heart-shaped ceiling panel displayed:
[Good Job! You’ve survived Day One of Eternal Matrimony™!]
[Side Note: Your will to live has dropped by -17%. Please hydrate.]
Yuno.EXE materialized beside the bed, now dressed in a silk pajama set with the words "Sleep is for the Emotionally Stable" embroidered on the chest.
"Tomorrow’s schedule includes synchronized cooking classes, mutual poetry recitation, and blindfolded trust exercises conducted inside the Knife Garden."
Rei slowly turned his face to her. "The what garden?"
"It’s a sensory experience. You bond better when bleeding," Yuno chirped. "We also have a ’Dress Each Other in Matching Outfits’ segnt. Spoiler: it’s mostly maid costus."
Rei inhaled deeply. "I want to die."
[System Reply: Request received. Processing emotional request...]
[...Processing...]
[Error: Death currently unavailable. Please try again during Tuesday’s Despair Window.]
Yuno, now in nurse cosplay for absolutely no reason, patted his head. "Sleep tight. Emotional Integration Phase 2 begins at dawn."
As the lights dimd and ominous violins played a lullaby called "Till Obsession Do Us Part", Rei glanced at the exit once more. Just a flicker of hope.
A faint rustle then a click.
Followed by Lilia’s voice through the air vents: "Darling, if you’re thinking about crawling through the ducts again, I’ve added tracking moss to your pajamas~"
Rei looked down his pajamas glowed faintly. "...Cursed tracking pajamas?!"
[System Note: Fabric infused with cling-runes and affection heat sensors. Also moderately fireproof.]
Rosette’s voice followed. "We only want what’s best for you... through a tightly scheduled, heavily romantic, possibly bloodstained regin."
Lucivella: "There’s no leaving the honeymoon. Only deeper vows."
Rei closed his eyes as the bed self-tucked him in with chanical arms.
"Yuno," he muttered. "Are there any loopholes in this entire nightmare?"
Yuno.EXE grinned.
"Oh. There’s one."
"...Tell ."
"You could always fall in love willingly."
Rei stared blankly at the ceiling.
"...I’m digging again tomorrow."
[System Reaction: Optimism detected. Marking for deletion.]
To be continued...
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