The capital city of Caelmont was in chaos not from famine, plague or war but sothing far more severe.
Prince Rei Valemort, honorary noble, part-ti fugitive, and full-ti marriage evader... had run away again.
For the fourth ti this week.
Inside the city’s royal barracks, panic spread like butter on warm toast. Soldiers tripped over their spears. Pages scread into scrolls and a squirrel wearing a tiny cloak marked "Royal Recon" dashed up a tree to relay code RED-NO-GROOM.
At the city’s massive gatehouse, two guards stood frozen.
One finally dared to whisper, "Is that... an army?"
The other replied grimly, "Worse, It’s her army."
The golden banners of the Glorianna Empire rippled in the wind like scandalous love letters caught in a sumr breeze. Each one bore the imperial sigil: a burning crown wrapped in thorny roses—and beneath it, newly added in cursive embroidery, the disturbingly cheerful words "I ♥ Rei." So even had sequins.
Her army thundered in: five thousand elite knights wearing matching crimson cloaks, all emblazoned with various love poems, public vows, and very bad fanfiction quotes involving Rei and a tiger.
One squad marched in perfect formation while holding up giant floating signs that read:
"TEAM SERAPHINA ♥"
"HONEYMOON OR BUST"
"HE SMILED AT IN 3RD GRADE – THAT COUNTS"
"By the stars," one Caelmont guard whispered, he looked pale.
A bard fainted upon seeing a cavalry regint riding shimring unicorns with heart-shaped hooves.
And then ca Seraphina—not riding, but standing triumphant atop a lion-drawn chariot rimd with roses, cannon-mounted doves, and rotating confetti launchers. Her dress sparkled violently in the sunlight, blinding two tax collectors and a priest.
Trumpets blared a tune suspiciously similar to the wedding march—but jazzier, with backup dancers.
"People of Caelmont!" she declared into her enchanted gaphone. "I co not with war, but with love! And also potentially war, depending on my fiancé’s decisions." her voice was both royal decree and emotional threat.
[System Alert: Public Declaration of Romantic Supremacy Detected.]
"Today," she proclaid, holding a gaphone, "we declare a royal ergency!"
The crowd gasped.
"Has the Demon King returned?!"
"Did the sun explode?!"
"Did the bakery run out of cream puffs?!"
"No." Seraphina placed a gloved hand over her heart. "Worse. My beloved Prince Rei has fled my embrace... again."
Collective horror appeared. Won clutched their pearls, n fainted and a bard scread in emotional harmony.
[System Notification: You are now a Class S Threat to National Romance Stability.]
Inside the overturned turnip cart, Rei was curled up like a sad overcooked burrito.
"I literally just wanted to check out the bookstore," he hissed, surrounded by vegetables that slled suspiciously judgntal.
[System Reminder: You attempted escape via banana barrel last Chapter. This ti, you used turnip wagon. It’s really a progress.]
He exhaled slowly. "You say progress but I say root vegetable regression."
[System Suggestion: Try disguising as a decorative shrub next ti. That will be low detection rate, high aesthetic.]
"I will uproot you from my soul."
He peeked through the rutabaga gap and muttered, "I was gonna buy a mystery novel. Maybe one where the protagonist isn’t chased by a war bride with fire magic and royal funding."
[System Sarcasm Module Active: May we recomnd How to Disappear From Your Fiancées and Not Die Imdiately? 2.5 stars.]
"I need a new life," Rei muttered.
[System Note: You had one and It got struck by divine lightning. You’re welco.]
"You are not helping!"
Rei peeked through a hole between the rutabagas. He saw on the other side of the gate, Seraphina was now pacing dramatically along a velvet carpet that her guards had rolled out mid-speech.
"I invoke Royal Protocol 108-C," she declared.
A clerk unrolled a massive scroll. "Uh... 108-C: ’Declaration of National Ergency due to Groom Disappearance.’ Signed by... you, Your Highness."
"Indeed!" she smiled.
"And ratified by..."
"Also ."
The crowd burst into patriotic applause and democracy wept quietly in the corner.
[System Notification: New Law Passed – ’Missing Fiancé Recovery Act.’ Citizens must report any Rei sightings. Punishnt for harboring him: arranged marriage.]
Rei’s jaw dropped. "That’s not how constitutional law works!"
[System: You live in a romantic dictatorship. Adjust expectations accordingly.]
Just then, a cloaked rchant passed by, wheeling a cabbage cart. Rei popped his head up and whispered, "Psst! You. Help in escape. I’ll pay you in gratitude, sarcasm, and maybe blood."
The rchant blinked. "Wait, you’re the—"
"Shhhhhh!"
But it was too late. The man’s eyes widened in horror. He turned to run—
Only to be intercepted by Faye, who materialized from a nearby flower pot wielding a bouquet of explosives.
"Wrong turn, cabbage boy," she grinned.
Rei sighed. "She was in the flower pot?!"
[System Notification: Faye – Stealth Affection Level: MAXED.]
He dove out of the turnip cart and made a break for the nearest alley.
"STOOOOOP HIM!" Seraphina screeched from her lion-chariot. "Deploy Operation Sweet Embrace!"
The knights shifted formation into a heart-shaped phalanx and began marching with synchronized chanting:
"♥ R-E-I! CO TO YOUR WIFE BEFORE YOU DIE! ♥"
Rei turned a hard left, leaping over a fruit stall and slamming face-first into a wall painted with Lilia’s face and the phrase "YOU CAN’T ESCAPE DESTINY ♥"
He groaned. "They’re branding like livestock!"
[System: You are technically royal livestock now. Check your ankle. New tracking rune installed.]
"Nooooo—"
He was tackled mid-shriek by a fully-armored knight. "FOR HER HIGHNESS! ACCEPT HER LOVE!"
Rei wrestled free and chucked a nearby apple into the knight’s visor. He spun to escape—and imdiately collided with Rosette.
She smiled, holding a clipboard. "Rei. Funny bumping into you."
"Rosette. You don’t happen to be part of the—"
"I coordinated the entire invasion," she said calmly.
Of course she did.
From behind her, another voice echoed like a death bell.
"You left no choice."
Seraphina approached, flanked by knights and velvet-draped siege ladders.
"You pushed to this, darling. If you had just accepted my daily marriage invitations and signed the annual honeymoon contract, I wouldn’t have had to mobilize my empire."
"YOU MOBILIZED AN EMPIRE," Rei cried. "To find ?!"
"You’re my heart," she said.
"I’m a dude hiding in vegetables!"
"And yet I find you delicious," she purred.
Rei stepped back.
"Ladies and gentlen of the court," Seraphina called, waving dramatically. "I now formally propose... to the fugitive!"
She reached into her chariot and pulled out a ring. The gem was the size of Rei’s face.
"Wait—WAIT—NO—"
The ring launched itself into the air, guided by magic and glitter, homing in on his finger like a wedding-seeking missile.
He dove and it missed but only barely. He rolled to his feet, panting, eyes wide.
"You can’t force to marry you!"
"I know," Seraphina said sadly. "Which is why I added a clause to the Ergency Romance Protocol."
She held up a scroll.
[System Notification: New System Law Detected – ’If Groom Refuses, All Citizens Must Convince Him.’]
A thousand voices shouted in unison: "MARRY THE PRINCESS!"
Rei scread.
[System Alert: Panic Level Maxed. Initiating Ergency Snark Discharge.]
[System: You are the moral equivalent of a puppy being adopted by five lions. Try biting them.]
"I HATE YOU," Rei whispered to the system.
[System: Feelings are mutual.]
He turned to run—
—and slamd into Eris again.
Floating above a pile of glitter and popcorn, the goddess of mischief sipped a martini and adjusted her heart-shaped sunglasses.
"You sure you don’t need my help?" Eris asked coyly, sipping her martini.
"No."
She smiled cruelly. "Great, this is visual aids ti!"
With a snap, the air shimred—and a glowing 300-option flowchart titled ’ROMANTIC ESCAPE ROUTES (FAILURE PROBABILITY: 99.98%)’ appeared in midair.
Rei stared in horror.
→ Fake Death? (Blocked by Faye’s "Already Done That" Defense Plan) → Hire Doppelganger? (Rosette runs the city’s clone registry.) → Hide in Abyss? (Seraphina has jurisdiction there.) → Marry the Demon Queen? (Scheduled for next arc.)
"...Why is every route marked ’DOOD’?"
"I was bored," Eris purred. "Also, reality bends toward your suffering."
She lazily pointed at the blinking red box:
→ "RUN AND PRAY TO BE MISSED (Result: Caught in Under 3 Minutes)"
"Give a new chart!"
"No refunds," she said sweetly.
Seraphina appeared behind him, now glowing with imperial power.
"Co, beloved," she whispered. "Let us rule together."
Rei opened his mouth to protest and the ring flew again but he dodged left.
Right into a trap net labeled "HUSBAND ACQUISITION."
As the net closed around him, the crowd cheered. Fireworks exploded into the sky, spelling out "CONGRATS SERAPHINA ♥"
[System Notification: You’ve been engaged again. That’s six tis this month. It’s a new record.]
[Achievent Unlocked: Marital Magnetism]
[Reward: Customized Groom Armor – "Resistance is Futile" edition.]
As he was carried back to the palace in a royal float shaped like a wedding cake, Rei stared at the clouds.
"This... is my life now."
[System: Yes. And you’re lucky.]
"Lucky?!"
[Statistically, most people only get pursued by one obsessive suitor. You’ve got five.]
"...I want a refund on reincarnation."
Eris floated by, licking frosting off her fingers. "No refunds, sweetheart."
Rei wept into a doily.
To be continued...
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