Velvet Manor Gardens, Nightfall.
Rei awoke to the sll of roasted at, cinnamon glaze, and imminent emotional collapse.
He was seated at a long dining table, candles flickering, a full banquet laid out. He glanced around with dread.
To his left sat Emilia, prim and radiant, daintily adjusting her napkin. To his right, Rosette, smiling with the calm intensity of a sniper polishing her rifle. Across the table, Drakana sat with her wings folded like a smug peacock, licking her lips at the steak—or maybe at Rei. Seraphina occupied the far head of the table, hands folded in prayer, though her glowing eyes scread "You will regret everything."
At the opposite end? An empty chair was there and it was his chair. Which he was currently strapped into.
"Oh no. No, no, no." Rei tugged at the velvet restraints. "This isn’t dinner. This is my funeral reception."
[Temporary Quest Reminder: Survive Dinner.]
[Penalty for Failure: Death, dismbernt, or eternal wifey-ownership.]
[Success Reward: Slightly less trauma. Possibly dessert.]
Rei twitched. "Why are the rewards always useless?!"
[System Comnt: Motivation is overrated. Now smile because they like it when you smile.]
"Smile?" he hissed through clenched teeth. "I’m sitting at a table with four yanderes. Smiling is how you die faster."
"Rei~" Emilia leaned forward, her voice honeyed. "You look pale. Would you like to feed you?"
"No," Rei said instantly.
"Yes," Drakana corrected, spearing a piece of at and flicking it toward his mouth like a fireball pitch. Rei ducked; it hit the wall and set the wallpaper afla.
"Oops," Drakana giggled, unrepentant.
"Fire at the dinner table is a sin," Seraphina intoned. "One must cleanse it. With holy fire."
"No more fire!" Rei snapped, voice breaking like glass.
Course One arrived—soup, steaming, fragrant. The servant delivering it imdiately collapsed from blood loss because Rosette had already poisoned the ladle and was scribbling "Successful Test #342" into her notebook.
Rei stared at his bowl. The soup shimred ominously, as if alive.
[Warning: Do NOT drink that.]
[Probability of poison: 94%. Probability of it being a love potion: 5%. Probability of both: 100%.]
"Rei," Emilia said sweetly, "I’ll test it for you."
"That’s suspicious!" Rei shouted.
"Love isn’t suspicious," Emilia replied, sipping daintily before leaning across the table. "Now kiss so I can transfer it mouth-to-mouth~."
Rei almost flipped the entire table.
"Denied!" Seraphina bellowed, smacking her hand against the table hard enough to crack the wood. "A kiss is sacred and must be sanctioned under the choir’s hymn of matrimony!"
"Matri-what?!" Rei howled. "Can’t I just EAT normally?!"
[Observation: This is what you get for complaining about my absence.]
[Note: This is far worse than anything I could write.]
[Personal Comnt: Honestly, I’m rooting for the soup.]
"You’re supposed to be helping !" Rei hissed internally.
[Correction: I’m here for comntary, not miracles.]
The main course landed with a heavy thud. Steak, glistening, tender. Rei’s stomach betrayed him with a loud growl.
"Oh? Hungry, my lord?" Rosette whispered. "Then eat. I marinated it myself... with a touch of paralytic herb."
"Why would you SAY that out loud?!" Rei demanded.
"So you know you’ll only be able to move if I permit it afterward."
Emilia frowned. "That’s unfair, Rosette. Rei deserves nourishnt, not paralysis."
Drakana grinned. "I roasted a steak too—look, mine’s still breathing!" She plopped a slab of dragon at onto the table. It twitched and the steak actually twitched.
Rei’s soul left his body.
[Achievent Unlocked: "Dinner With Monsters."]
[Reward: New Trauma Tag.]
[Description: Congratulations. You’ve eaten with entities who think food poisoning is foreplay.]
He hadn’t even eaten yet.
"So, Rei," Emilia began with that serene voice of hers, "when shall we schedule our next date? I was thinking about tomorrow morning."
"Denied," Rosette interjected, glasses glinting. "Tomorrow morning is already reserved for our lockpicking practice. Together."
"Both irrelevant," Seraphina said firmly, her halo pulsing. "Tomorrow morning is for confession. He must repent."
Drakana slamd her tail down, rattling the plates. "No, tomorrow morning is ours—I’m teaching him to ride !"
Rei spat water across the table. "WHAT?!"
"On my back," Drakana clarified, though her grin suggested she knew exactly what she’d implied.
[Side Note: 10/10 double entendre. Even I blushed.]
Rei covered his face with his hands. "Why is my life a dating sim run by Satan?"
The servants—those who hadn’t fled screaming—brought out dessert: a cake taller than Rei. Creamy, fluffy, suspicious.
He squinted. "What’s inside that?"
Emilia smiled innocently. "Love."
Rosette: "Tracking powder."
Seraphina: "Holy incense."
Drakana: "Gunpowder!"
The cake vibrated ominously.
[Warning: Detonation Probability – 83%.]
[Survival Tip: Consider fasting.]
"NO ONE TOUCH THE CAKE!" Rei bellowed, flipping his chair back so hard he almost toppled.
The four won froze mid-reach, glaring daggers at each other.
For a mont, silence.
Then Emilia clasped her hands and smiled. "Ara, ara... if Rei doesn’t want dessert, then we’ll just have him instead."
Rei fell backwards onto the floor. "I HATE MY LIFE!"
The candles flickered. The cake humd with unstable energy. Four pairs of eyes glowed with different brands of obsession.
And Rei, strapped, starving, and sanity-depleted, scread silently at the system.
"HELP !"
[Quest Progress: Dinner Survival – 14%.]
[Encouragent: Try harder, loser.]
The screen blinked once more before fading out, leaving Rei with only the won, the exploding cake, and his final reserves of willpower.
"...I’m dood."
The humming cake grew louder. It wasn’t a cake anymore—it was a live threat. The frosting bubbled like magma, the strawberries pulsed like beating hearts. A faint hiss leaked from inside, as if the cake itself disapproved of the insanity surrounding it.
Rei pointed at it with both trembling hands. "THAT’S A BOMB. WHY IS IT TICKING?!"
"It’s not a bomb," Emilia corrected gently, tapping her parasol against her shoulder. "It’s a love surprise."
"It’s a containnt device," Rosette said flatly, scribbling into her notebook. "Inside it is my most elaborate trap to date."
Seraphina’s choir-nuns in the background started humming a minor key hymn that made Rei’s spine seize. "It is a test of faith," Seraphina whispered, her halo flickering. "If the cake explodes and you survive, you are truly chosen."
Drakana grinned wide, licking her fangs. "Wrong, wrong, wrong. It’s dragonfire frosting. If it detonates, the flas will shape into a big heart above us. Romantic, right?"
"ROMANTIC?!" Rei screeched. "That’s terrorism in the shape of a birthday party!"
[Warning: Cake Stability = 19%.]
[System Note: Why am I still calculating this? I should’ve taken that sick leave longer.]
Rei buried his face in his hands. "This isn’t dinner... This is Saw: The Dating Sim Edition."
The won rose in eerie unison, drifting toward the towering cake. Their shadows stretched across the table like executioner’s blades.
Rei scrambled backward on his chair, but the velvet straps only groaned tighter.
"No, No-no-no. I’ve seen this movie. The cake blows, I blow, and the only happy ending here is on your side!"
"Correct," Rosette said calmly, brushing imaginary dust off her dress.
"Not helping!" Rei barked.
[Observation: This is entertaining. Please continue panicking.]
Rei growled at the air. "You’re supposed to be my system!"
[Correction: I am your sarcastic overseer. Big difference.]
The cake emitted a new sound: click-click... whiiiiir.
Everyone froze.
"...Was that a countdown?" Rei whispered.
Drakana’s grin stretched wider. Emilia tilted her head with faux innocence. Seraphina clutched her rosary tighter. Rosette simply adjusted her glasses.
"Oh hell no."
Rei wriggled like a worm, trying to slip out of the chair. "System, unstrap ! Override the bondage mode or whatever!"
[Response: You think I control the straps? Those are hand-stitched by Rosette. I can’t override obsessive embroidery.]
Rosette flushed faintly, murmuring, "He noticed the stitching..."
"NOT THE POINT!" Rei shrieked.
The vibrations shook the table now. Wine glasses toppled, soup sloshed across the cloth. The cake’s candles burned blue, then green, then an alarming shade of skull-colored black.
[Warning: Cake Detonation Probability = 97%.]
[Encouragent: Maybe dying wouldn’t be so bad. You’d escape dinner.]
"STOP ENCOURAGING TO DIE!" Rei bellowed.
"Perhaps it’s divine judgnt," Seraphina murmured, standing tall. "A heavenly test."
Drakana cracked her knuckles. "Or a fireworks show."
Emilia fluttered her lashes. "Or a wedding cake. You’ll cut it with , won’t you, Rei~?"
Rosette smiled thinly. "He won’t cut anything. The mont he touches it, the trap activates, rendering him mine forever."
The humming reached a peak pitch—like a kettle about to blow.
Rei scread. "SOONE DEFUSE IT!"
[System Auto-Intervention: Cake Threat Detected.]
[Deploying... Ergency Tutorial.]
A glowing pop-up appeared in Rei’s vision, obnoxiously cheerful:
[Tutorial: How to Survive Explosive Romantic Pastries]
Step 1: Do not touch the cake.
Step 2: Do not let the girls touch the cake.
Step 3: Run.]
"...That’s the worst tutorial I’ve ever seen," Rei muttered.
[System Comnt: I didn’t say it was good. Just accurate.]
The won all reached for the cake at once.
"NOOOO!" Rei shouted, thrashing against the straps. With a Herculean burst of sheer panic, the velvet restraints snapped.
[Achievent Unlocked: "Panic Strength."]
[Reward: A pulled muscle.]
Rei bolted from his chair, diving under the table just as four hands touched the cursed confection at once.
BOOOOOM.
Frosting exploded across the garden like artillery fire. Strawberries flew like shrapnel. A glowing heart-shaped mushroom cloud rose into the night sky, casting the manor in a rosy, apocalyptic glow.
Rei erged from under the table, dripping cream, shaking, eyes dead. "...I’m living in a rom-com directed by Michael Bay."
[Quest Progress: Dinner Survival – 62%.]
[System Note: Still alive. Unfortunately.]
The four won, perfectly unfazed, licked frosting from their fingers. Their gazes locked on Rei like wolves spotting a deer.
"Darling," Emilia cooed.
"My lord," Rosette whispered.
"Husband," Seraphina intoned.
"Mate," Drakana growled.
Rei staggered back, frosting dripping from his hair. "I survived the cake. It ans I can survive anything."
[Correction: You can survive dinner. Maybe. Probably not.]
Rei’s knees gave out. "...I’m so dood."
To be continued...
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