*Bianca*
It was so hard for to leave Leo behind to go out with Mom. If he had known what I was thinking, he would have had a heart attack. Well, maybe I’m being a bit dramatic, but he would have had a fit to make one of the toddlers proud.
Leo did not like being fussed over as he called it. He wanted to go out and have fun with my family while I had the chance. He wanted to be free to spend as much ti with them in Italy as possible before we went back to the States.
I knew he was just trying to get out of his hair for a while, but there was this lingering fear within that he’d be gone when I ca back if I left without him. It was silly, I knew. He would not just disappear into thin air or run off like a child.
He would always co back to if he could. Rembering him the way he had been after Michael had shot him that night: bleeding out with no way to stop it, shivering and cold, and near death, still made my heart beat fast and my breath catch in my lungs.
My anxiety was not rational. I would not pretend it was, but the fear was real. It dug furrows into my psyche and traveled through . It was unwanted, planted in the wrong place, and overwheld what was already there.
I had to make myself breathe. Leo was a grown man. Even though he was injured, he was capable of taking care of himself. He would be all right. These were all things I had to keep telling myself as I allowed myself to be talked into going shopping with Mom.
I did not want to leave him alone. Essentially, Leo was anything but alone with a lot of the uncles and Aunts, and cousins still there. hell, if it ca down to it. I knew Taylor would keep Leo safe if need be. Nowadays, I think they’d protect each other instead of killing one another.
So, I did the good girlfriend thing. I left Leo in the capable hands of my family and Taylor while I went shopping with Mom. Mom and I were headed to get the decorations, food, and fireworks for our New Year’s Eve dinner.
While we chose fruits and vegetables in the market, Mom kept sneaking inquisitive looks my way. It wasn’t like her to keep her opinions to herself or hold back when she had sothing to say. It made curious.
“What’s on your mind?” I asked, turning a tomato in my hand, finding a bruise and putting it back, then choosing another to go through the sa routine.
“What makes you think sothing’s on my mind?” she asked, turning a bell pepper much in the sa way I had the tomato.
I looked up at her. Was she being cagey? I looked into those eyes that were so much like my own and smiled at her.
“Oh, co on, old woman, you know exactly what I’m talking about,” I teased.
She gasped and looked slightly horrified. “Did you just call old, young lady?” she asked like she was shocked at my audacity.
“I figured that would get your attention and get you to stop beating around the bush.”
“Bianca, I think you’ve been in Arica too long. It’s ti for you to co back ho if you’re going to disrespect your Mama so.”
I laughed at her, finished choosing my tomatoes and went to weigh the lentils we would need for dinner. When I t up with her by the butcher’s shop where she always bought the cotechino, I caught her giving that look again.
“Mom, will you spill it and stop giving those covert glances?”
She gave one of her Madona smirks and patted my cheek.
“I didn’t want to upset you, but I was wondering what you and Leo’s plans for the baby were?”
“I guess we will have to take things one day at a ti. All I can do right now is stay healthy and see where things go from here.”
“But, are you going to marry him?” Mom asked.
I did not know how to answer her right then. There was a part of that wished I could marry Leo imdiately. Then, there was another part of that wondered if marriage was in the cards for us.
I was not sure he wanted to give up the mafia life. I knew I wanted to. I did not want our lives to always be in danger and dictated by the whims of whover is after Leo and the family for whatever reasons. I did not want to keep having to pick up the pieces when Leo got shot or so sadistic freak like Michael held a grudge for sothing that had nothing to do with Leo and the family.
Just because I understood that Leo was the head of our LA family didn’t an that I fully understood what was going on with the business. I never got into those types of conversations with him.
One of the reasons I had not was because if I didn’t know anything no one could con or torture information out of . Nor did anybody in the organization have any reason to try to off or hand over to the cops or whatever.
Betrayal ca in all forms. And, as long as we stayed in that life, we’d be surrounded by imminent danger. Our child’s life would be up for grabs as well. I was not as clueless as Leo thought. I understood that I would have been even more important to grab if Michael and his thugs had known I was carrying Leo’s child.
“I don’t know,” I said, after Mom purchased the cotechino and we left the butcher’s shop. “I suppose I want to get married eventually.”
“Eventually?” Mom asked, as we went back into the market and walked around looking for other things we might need.
I thought about my answer for a mont. How could I put it in the right words? I loved Leo, but I had my lingering doubts as much as many of the family mbers. I knew Leo would never hurt . There were tis his temper frightened , but that was more of my instinctive need to get away from confrontations because of lingering trauma from being with Matteo more than anything.
“Well, for one thing I’d like for our family to be okay with the man I’m marrying,” I finally answered, feeling I’d told the truth, but not all of it.
Mom gave a good luck with that glance and headed for the fireworks display across the street. I knew exactly what that look ant. Mom was all for it. She loved Leo and often said she wondered if my father were reincarnated in Leo with his power and strength of character. I didn’t see it myself, but Mom must have because she talked about Father more than she had in years when Leo was around.
But, other family mbers weren’t so eager for Leo and I to be married. They were on the fence about even remaining in a relationship with him nonetheless marrying him.
Leo had brought danger with him. He was a mafioso. He was not Italian even though he was considered a part of the family in Ro and Florence. He did not know our traditions, and he was a man of wealth and power but not a man of substance.
I had not really understood the last point. I had overheard one of the uncles saying sothing to that effect to one of the younger n in the family who seed impressed by Leo’s position as Don in Arica.
“Besides, Mom, I’m focused on the baby right now. the rest will fall into place.”
Mom nodded her head as she picked out the favorite fireworks for the family to hold and throw during the fireworks display we might attend that evening after dinner.
“I guess that makes sense, but what are you going to do about your studies? Having a newborn and trying to go to university at the sa ti might not work, especially without your family nearby to help.”
“I’m not completely sure how things are going to go with university. I’m thinking Leo and I will handle it, though. I’ve also been looking into online courses while the baby’s young, but I’ll discuss it with Leo. Besides, I’m only two months along, Mom. I don’t think we have to have it all figured out right away.”
“Oh, Bi, let’s go to this store,” Mom said, pulling at my hand.
“Mom, didn’t I just say I’m only two months along?” I chuckled at her enthusiasm.
“Please, shopping for the baby is never too soon, my girl. Besides, you’ll need maternity gear soon.”
“Fine, I’ll let you have your fun, but I’m telling you. it’s way too soon to start shopping for this kind of stuff,” I said, walking into the store behind Mom and looking around.,
I was not all that interested in the store. I had my heart fixed on raising our child in LA and not Italy. Shopping for the baby now kind of felt like giving into the idea of staying here. I didn’t want to live here. I didn’t want to live anywhere Leo might not be. Leo had made so many changes in his life for . I did not want where we lived to just be another one.
In a lot of ways, I was an anomaly in Leo’s world. won in the mafia usually knew about their husband’s dealings. They were either partners or pretended not to see or notice the incongruities in their lives. They did not worry overly about degrees or having fun. They were either business won or homakers.
They did not have to worry about their lives overly much. they were either excessively pampered or a part of the organization. Either way, they were protected. I was not willing to give up my independence for Leo’s lifestyle.
Was I being selfish? I did not think so. I was thinking of our child as well. I wanted to be educated. I wanted to have a job, sothing I could call my own. I wanted our child to grow up in relative safety. Sure, nowhere in the world was truly safe, but the idea of safety would be there as opposed to the spector of danger always hovering over us like a cloud of everlasting doom.
I had to stop thinking so hard. I was literally back to the beginning of my circling thoughts, and it was getting nowhere. I had not even seen where I was going as I aimlessly andered through the store.
I blinked my eyes, staring at the cutest little onesies with matching socks. Then, for so reason, it struck all at once how small and adorable they were. I touched my hand protectively over my stomach.
I was growing a little person inside of that would one day be able to wear one of these garnts. I smiled with a shimr of tears in my eyes. Maybe stocking up right now wouldn’t be so bad after all, I thought, and began doing just that.
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