*Bianca*
I felt like I was suffocating, sitting there on the bed, wrapped up in the sheets. The cold tips of my fingers lay against the burning heat of my chest as I struggled not to get up and scream my lungs out.
I’m drowning and burning at the sa ti, scorched by the flas as Leo’s words go round and round in my head like so dystopian nightmare carousel. It all felt wrong and I could feel my skin crawling like insects burrowing underneath.
What could I do? What can I say?
I felt like crying and apologizing to the poor baby in my stomach who Leo doesn’t want. I knew he’d love our baby as much as I did but I can’t get his words out of my head. That we’d only be holding him back, that Michael would use us against him.
I knew he was right, but...it hurt to hear. I stared up at the ceiling, trying to hold back the few tears attempting to slip out, when I listened to the bathroom door open, and out stepped Leo.
There was a calr look on his face but also a hardened one. Like he’d made a decision and wouldn’t be changing his mind for anything. My heart dropped as he refused to even look at .
I knew exactly what that ant.
“Leo-” I started, hoping I could sohow convince him.
“No.”
He shut down imdiately, ruffling through his closet for clothes calmly.
“But I didn’t even say anything!” I protested, standing up in outrage that he wouldn’t even let make my argunt. I needed to see my family, especially now. I hated fighting with him like this but I can’t just let him make my decisions for .
I’d had enough of that done in the past.
“I’m not letting you leave here behind and head off to another country with another guy,” Leo said, finally turning to face with his shirt unbuttoned and splayed open. He crossed his arms over his chest, eyeing coldly. “Especially not with him.”
I bristled at the sneer in his voice, not even willing to say Taylor’s na. Even if we hadn’t been close in years, he had still been one of my childhood friends. And he knew exactly how I felt when he spoke about my friends like that.
“You an Taylor?” I shot at him angrily. “You won’t let leave with soone who actually cares about and wants to protect just because it’s not you?”
“Just stop it, Bianca!” Leo whirled around on , his eyes dark and rimd with a redness I didn’t expect. Beyond his anger was a profound frustration, a deep guilt and I knew my words had been killing him this whole ti.
“Leo...” I said quietly, remorse coming over as I saw how utterly stressed he was about my simple request. But I understood that this wasn’t just a simple request to him.
He stord over, grabbing by the shoulders tightly as he looked straight in the eyes. “I’m sorry that I can’t give you everything you want yet. I’m sorry I’m stuck with so madman after us both and things are too dangerous to leave but I can’t just smile and let you go. Not when your safety is a concern and certainly not with that guy.”
“Taylor’s just a friend–” I tried to reason but even my words felt half-hearted to my own self.
I didn’t feel anything but friendship for him but for Taylor’s side...I’m sure a part of him still had in his heart. No matter how much I tried to pretend not to see it, if I suspected, I’m sure Leo did as well.
“I’m not stupid, Bianca,” Leo pulled back with a shake of his head. “I’m not going to let you put yourself in danger. I would never forgive myself if sothing happened to you, especially since Michael’s hit on you is still active! It’s too dangerous, Bianca.”
I opened my mouth to retort, to try to stubbornly persuade him but Leo just sent a tired determined look. I closed my mouth slowly.
And just like that, all my fight drained out of as I finally relented.
“Promise you won’t leave the house unless it’s necessary, at least for the next few days, please,” Leo grabbed my hand, tipping his finger under my chin to lift my eyes to et him. I plastered on a smile I didn’t feel.
“Okay, sorry for being so stubborn,” I agreed, feeling utterly defeated as he gave a tense smile, pulling into his embrace. But it didn’t feel as warm as this morning. Now I only felt bitter.
That little pocket of happiness I’d barely managed to reach had vanished.
Leo chatted to a little longer but I didn’t pay attention. My mind was on auto-pilot as I watched him get ready for work. Shirt, pants, jacket, socks, shoes, all of it blurred together until Leo was in front of and leaned over to press a brief kiss to my lips.
“I’ll be ho later, we can talk about all this so more than,” Leo said regretfully, his eyes shining with apologies. But I just nodded.
Then he was gone and I was alone.
Left alone in our empty bedroom which used to feel like a safe space but now just felt like chains wrapped around my throat. I swear I could feel the walls closing in, growing ever so smaller.
I collapsed onto my side, lancholy and loneliness hitting hard as I laid a hand over my belly.
Leo didn’t want our baby. Leo didn’t want a family with .
At least not now but he didn’t know we don’t have the luxury of not now. There is no waiting when our child grows bigger by the day. I could only be glad that our baby doesn’t have any developed ears so he didn’t hear what his daddy said.
I lay there for a long while after, just staring blankly into the distance as all my thoughts and my heartbeat slowed to a calm pace. I didn’t feel calm. I felt like screaming into the abyss, I felt like climbing into the heavens and asking God why he had chosen to do this to .
But slowly, I made the little effort it took to get out of bed. I took a shower in way too hot water, ignoring the red spreading across my skin from the scorching heat but it felt good in a way. I dressed in my comfiest clothes, ones I would never wear out but it didn’t matter, did it?
I was trapped here, unable to leave. What did it matter what I looked like or dressed like when nobody was going to see ? Except for Leo.
I made my way downstairs and forced down what little food the cooks had made before I settled onto the couch in the living room, putting on the most mindless TV show I could. Then I spaced out, just thinking about everything and how my life had ended up where I was.
I’d co here to get away from Matteo. And now I was free of him thanks to Leo. But I’d unknowingly trapped myself in an even worse situation in the process.
I’d wanted to be free - to have control over my own life and do what I wanted to. Make a difference, learn about the world, and find my own path. But I hadn’t done any of that.
Leo was a much better man than anyone else I’d ever been with. Compassionate and strong, focused, and maybe a little impulsive. But he’d only ever done what he thought was best for .
It was the one trait of his I loved beyond all else. How fiercely he chose to love and how determined he was to make sure they were happy. I knew he was trying, doing everything he could to keep safe and happy.
But as I sat there on the couch, pregnant with his baby which I didn’t even have the courage to tell him about, and being tracked down so so madman could kill , I realized I’d gone nowhere I wanted to be in my life.
I missed so dearly when I didn’t know anything of the Mafia, of murder and gunfights, of kidnapping. All those tis I’d fought to find out what Leo was hiding, all the tis I’d been angry at him for hiding things, I take it all back.
I didn’t realize how blissful in ignorance I was until I knew the truth.
But of course, I couldn’t tell Leo any of this. He was looking to the future, wanting to build sothing that might never co because I’d ssed up.
I loved Leo. But I’m not sure how much more of this I could take.
A hand reached out in front of my face before I could go back and forth in my mind any longer, holding a steaming mug. The scent of hot cocoa hit as did the ssy pile of whipped cream, floating mini marshmallows, and sprinkled cinnamon on top.
I looked up in surprise following the hand to a sympathetic smile.
“Figured you could use one,” Taylor grinned. “Made ‘em just like you like.”
“Cinnamon,” I smiled, taking the warm mug into my hands as I rembered how often we used to sprinkle it over everything. It was one of my fondest mories that I’d nearly forgotten over ti.
“Probably better for the baby than coffee, I heard that can cause all kinds of problems,” Taylor remarked casually as he took the seat next to .
I stiffened at the ntion of the baby and then sighed, giving him a wry smile. “Mia told you?”
“Hell no,” Taylor chuckled, giving a ‘duh’ look. “She’d never betray your trust like that. I figured it out on my own. It was pretty obvious actually. If you paid enough attention.”
I laughed at the irony of it. Figured that Taylor could figure it out in only a few weeks while Leo, the actual father, was still clueless. I took a sip of my hot cocoa, tears springing to my eyes at the nostalgic taste.
I leaned my head on Taylor’s shoulder, hiding my tears from him.
“You know, you’re gonna be a great Mom,” Taylor said softly.
“How do you know that?” I sniffed, “I could be the worst.”
“I just know, Bia-bug.” He laid his head over top of mine and I took comfort in his warmth as I cried silently on his shoulder.
To Leo, I felt like I was only a burden, a tool to be used against him by his enemies. But here, I felt even just for this mont, that I was myself again.
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