*Natalia*
I was stunned. I couldn’t even get up from the chair I was sitting in after Tallon left. I knew he wanted more from , but I had nothing left to give. I couldn’t even pretend to be there for him, not when my own emotions were spiraling out of control. And the entire ti he was with , I had been terrified that the second I opened my mouth, I was going to confess everything to him. Just an hour ago, my uncle had called and warned that they would be leaving a horrific gift on Tallon’s lawn.
“Your little boyfriend won’t like what we’re about to do,” my uncle had said ominously when I answered his call.
“What are you about to do?” I asked, terror rising in my throat and threatening to cut off my airway in a full-blown panic attack.
“Rember the n we took while you were on your holiday?” He paused, waiting for to answer as though I could have possibly forgotten.
“Yes, I rember,” I said, trying to force my emotions away so he wouldn’t sense how much this conversation was scaring .
“Let’s just say they are no longer with us, and your little boyfriend is about to find them in a rather... unpleasant way.”
“What?! What are you talking about?” I demanded. “You never told that you were going to kill people!” I knew my voice was rising too much, but I couldn’t help it. I hadn’t agreed to take part in murder, and that’s what this was–murder. My uncles could pretend all they wanted, but there was no justifiable reason for why Tallon’s n should have been killed.
“We do not tell you everything for a reason, mishka.” His voice had softened in a way I rarely heard from him. “You must have plausible deniability in case you are found out. Those brutes would do anything to get information on us.”
My horror only increased as I realized what he was saying. They kept things from so that Tallon’s n couldn’t torture for information. I couldn’t imagine Tallon ever doing such a thing. My family? Yes, I could see them torturing a young woman for information. I could even see them torturing if they thought they had a good enough reason, but Tallon? Never. He would never hurt a young woman, and he especially would never hurt .
“You’re wrong,” I said bravely. “Tallon wouldn’t let his n hurt . Even if...” I trailed off, unwilling to even voice the fact that he might discover what I had done. “Even if he did find out.”
“I would not trust him so easily. I know you think we are too brutal, but you were not there fifteen years ago. You did not see what they did to us, to our family. You must understand that the man you see has a dark side, far darker than you could imagine. Everything we have done, he has done to us ten-fold.”
I didn’t believe my uncle at all, but his words did give pause. Maybe the only reason I was so trusting of Tallon was because I was fooling myself into believing that the side he showed was all he had to him. I knew that he hid his mafia ties from , so why was I so willing to believe that he wasn’t hiding anything else? Was it possible that he had a dangerous side that I couldn’t even imagine?
I decided to try to press my uncle for why they wanted to kill Tallon’s n.
“But why, dyadya?” I asked him, trying to win his favor by referring to him in Russian. “I thought you were just focused on gathering information. Why would you kill these n?”
“It is unimportant. Just know that they needed to die. It is all for a greater good, one that serves our family, and that is all you need to worry about.” He so easily dismissed the human lives that he had taken, it was unbelievable to . I had known that my uncles were a cold bunch, but I had no idea just how cold until this mont.
“But surely we cannot kill others only for the sake of benefitting our family. Surely that crosses a line. Are we really willing to stoop so low?” I asked, knowing I needed to tread very carefully with my words.
“We are willing to do whatever it takes for our family. Don’t you care about your mother? Don’t you care about our family na? I cannot believe I am hearing such nonsense from you as this. Believe when I say this. Your precious Tallon would not hesitate to do the exact sa thing if he had the opportunity. The only reason why he has not killed any of us yet is because he cannot find us. You are an idiot if you think that he has a heart of gold.”
But that was the issue; I didn’t think I was an idiot at all for what I thought. Tallon had shown that he was kind-hearted again and again. I couldn’t risk arguing any further, though, or else my uncle would truly begin to suspect that I was no longer working for my family, and I had enough sense to know that that would put in danger.
“Okay. He will be here soon, so I need to go.”
My uncle told to be ready for Tallon’s reaction, whatever it might be, then hung up after harshly warning that I had to follow through with my family’s plan because it was too late to go back.
Not long after my uncle hung up, Tallon knocked on my door. I could never have prepared for the panic and heartbreak that I’d witnessed in his face, even though he’d bravely tried to shield from the brunt of his emotions. The fact that he’d co here specifically to check on and make sure I would keep myself safe only made it all worse.
My guilt was all-consuming. I deserved to burn in hell for the part I’d played in the deaths of Tallon’s n. It didn’t matter what my uncle said. Any man who was this torn up over the deaths of his subordinates couldn’t possibly be a bad man, and I couldn’t bear to keep deceiving him.
Growing up, I knew that my family killed people sotis, but I also knew that so of my family had been killed. It had felt more hypothetical than real, and even though I didn’t like hearing about it, I never really thought of it as a concrete fact.
Now for the first ti, I was faced with the repercussions of death, and I was finding that it clung to everyone like cigarette smoke. My uncles, , hell, even Tallon–all of us were stained by the deaths of these n. None of us would ever be the sa, no matter how much my family tried to downplay these deaths.
It was sickening.
Finally, I stood up and began to pace my small living room. Surely there was sothing I could do. Should I call my mother? I pulled my phone out and stared at the screen–my background was a photo of the bouquet that Tallon had brought on our first date. No, calling my mat would only make things worse. If she knew what was happening, she would insist that I co ho to safety.
I wondered how much my uncles had told her about what they were doing. There was no way she knew the extent of their actions; I didn’t think she would get involved if she knew that people would be killed. Then again, she did desperately wish to return to the wealth she’d grown up with. How far would she go to get that back? Would she put at risk? I had to admit that I wasn’t sure.
If I couldn’t trust my own mother, what reason did I have to even stay with my family? It was ti to admit to myself that I wanted to get out of this. I didn’t want to be a part of the evil that my family had beco.
I had to stop this sohow. But how could I get out? I would have to get help from soone, and the only one who could offer protection was the one whom I least wanted to ask for help.
If I asked Tallon for help, I would have to confess to everything.
I stared at my phone for a mont longer, wondering if I should call Tallon and just tell him everything that had happened. If I threw myself at his rcy and begged forgiveness, maybe he would help leave my family. Surely he couldn’t hold it against ? I had practically been forced into tricking him. I allowed myself to imagine how that conversation would go, but I knew it would be horrible. Tears began to fill my eyes as I imagined what Tallon would say.
“You fucking bitch–their deaths are on your hands! How dare you do this to ? To us? I thought I loved you!” I could hear the words in my head just as well as if he had spoken them. No, the ti for explaining everything to him had co and gone.
It was obvious that he had fallen in love with . If I wanted his forgiveness, I should have confessed everything on our very first date. Instead, I had kept it from him and chosen to put him and his family at risk. Even worse, he would know that I had continued to feed information to my uncles long after we had gotten serious. I bit my knuckle and tried to stop my tears, but they continued to fall.
My phone buzzed while I was holding it, making jump. Tallon had texted . I didn’t even want to open it, I knew it would only make cry harder as guilt consud . I forced myself to read it anyway, telling myself that I deserved this as my punishnt. I should feel guilty. I had caused the deaths of innocent people.
It was all my fault.
Tallon’s text simply said, “I hope everything is okay. I didn’t an to scare you. Please stay safe and call when you can.”
The fact that he worked so hard to keep from controlling made it all the worse. He was so kind and patient; he had figured out from the beginning that I was nervous to get too close too quickly and he had always respected that. He didn’t know that it was because of my ulterior motives with my family.
I had known for a while, but our trip made it especially obvious that he was incredibly special. He wasn’t the kind of man who was easy to find and it broke my heart that I would eventually lose him. I couldn’t imagine ever finding soone better than him. Hell, I couldn’t imagine ever even finding soone close to being as good as him.
I fell asleep crying.
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