*Olivia*
I looked up at Giovani with tears in my eyes. He was holding so tenderly, and I so badly wanted to tell him what he wanted to hear, but I just couldn’t. I had to be honest with him. Even if it ant breaking his heart.
“I don’t know,” I whispered, unable to bring myself to say the words too loudly. “I don’t know if I can handle this life.”
Although he didn’t pull away from , Gio’s face hardened slightly, and I could tell he was hurt by what I had said. I didn’t want to hurt him, but this was bigger than us. I couldn’t live a life of fear. I had to get my emotions out in the open.
“I feel like everything has been so dangerous from the mont I got here that I haven’t even had a chance to stop being scared.” I forced myself to keep talking, even though what I really wanted to do was bury myself in Gio’s chest and pretend I had never brought this up.
“I’ve kept you safe the whole ti,” he said, a note of frustration coming through in his voice.
“And I appreciate that. I really do. But you have to admit, it’s been more by chance than anything else. The fact that Dahlia got kidnapped instead of was because they didn’t know who I was at the ti. Now they know who I am. They showed us that when they left that note in my shit! And they kill people, Gio!”
“You think I don’t know how dangerous they are?” he asked quietly, a controlled anger burning fiercely in his words.
I couldn’t help it; his angry words made flinch. I pulled away from him, and he loosened his grip on so that I could position myself to face him instead of snuggling in his arms. His emotional reaction was understandable, but it was frustrating the hell out of .
I needed to be able to be honest with him. If he got upset every ti I brought up my real fears, I would just stop bringing them up, but keeping it all bottled inside would destroy our relationship. He needed to know how I really felt if we had any hope of our relationship withstanding all of this danger.
“Gio, I can’t even live a normal life right now.” I started over, trying a different tactic. “A girl in one of my classes was starting to get closer to , but instead of letting her beco my friend, I pushed her away. After the note... I can’t trust anyone. Literally, any person in any of my classes could have put it in my notebook. Anyone trying to get close to could be doing it for the Russians. And it’s really fucked up that I can’t make new friends in college, Gio. That’s kind of a huge part of it.”
There was a storm in his eyes, but he kept his voice calm as he responded, “That’s horrible, Olivia. If it makes you feel better, we can run background checks on anyone you’d like to get close to or anyone who approaches you. I wish you would’ve told this earlier so I could tell you that.”
“Well, it’s hard to tell you things when you get mad at for being scared!” I snapped. I knew my words weren’t exactly accurate, but I didn’t care. It was how I was feeling in the mont. Every ti I brought up my fears to Giovani, he just shut them down or insisted he would keep safe.
“When have I ever gotten mad at you for being scared?” he asked, keeping his voice soft even though I could see his irritation in the tight way he was holding his body.
“Maybe not mad, exactly, but you don’t like it when I talk about it. And you keep things from ! How can you expect to be honest with you when you won’t even tell about who died?! I shouldn’t have to go to random people in the house to get information, Gio. I should be able to get it from you.”
He rubbed his hand over the place on his forehead where he often got tension headaches. I felt guilty for unloading all of this on him at once, but it was ti to get it out.
“You’re right,” he said, his eyes closed and his hand still rubbing his forehead. “I should tell you more. But it’s hard when I know how scared you get. I don’t know how much information would make you feel better versus how much would make you feel more scared. I’m trying to let you know more without overwhelming you, but it’s hard to find the right balance. I’m trying, Olivia, really trying.”
He looked so exhausted, and I felt horrible. I got up on my knees and wrapped my arms around him. He sank against , relaxing his body and letting hold him. For the first ti, I wondered just how much he had been keeping from to keep from being too scared.
It must have been incredibly stressful for him to feel like he had to walk the tightrope between keeping inford without giving too much information. I rubbed his back and neck as he breathed heavily against , his head resting on my shoulder.
“I love you,” I murmured, not sure what else to say.
I had no idea how we were going to manage to work through this, but I wanted to. The way I felt about Giovani was unlike anything I’d ever felt before. I didn’t want to lose him. But I also wanted to be a normal person. I didn’t want to spend my life paranoid about every person who tried to get close to .
“I love you, too.” His words tickled my neck.
I tightened my hold on him, giving him a good squeeze before pulling back so I could look him in the eyes.
“I want you to be more honest with . It might scare , but I’m already scared. At least if I have more information, it will help feel less like a sitting duck.”
He nodded. “I will tell you as much as I can, as long as it’s safe for you to know. In return, you tell when things are bothering you. Please, carina, I need you to always be honest with about your feelings.”
“I promise.”
“I swear, Olivia, I will die before I let any harm co to you.” His voice grew ragged with emotion. “If this becos too much, I understand, but I love you so much. I will do whatever it takes to keep you.”
He cradled my face in his hands and leaned forward to give a deep kiss. His mouth said everything that his words could not–that he was desperate for to be happy here, that he wanted to stay, no matter what. He would never ask to do anything I didn’t want to do, but he would be crushed if I decided to leave Italy.
I kissed him back, hoping that sohow I could communicate back to him my feelings–that I wanted us to be together, but had deep reservations about whether or not I could handle this life. I hadn’t signed up to fall in love with a mafia Don. Hell, I hadn’t even signed up to move in with a mafia family. I hadn’t been prepared at all when I ca to Italy, and my ignorance was dangerous. What I didn’t know could be used to hurt .
His breathing grew ragged as our lips and tongues danced together. I could tell he wanted more than just a kiss. His hands began to roam around my body, looking for all his favorite spots to tease and tickle. I moaned and closed my eyes as he gently pushed one hand up under my shirt and pushed my bra aside to cup my breast.
“Tell to stop, and I will,” he whispered against my mouth, his breath hot against my lips.
“I don’t want you to stop,” I whispered back.
I never could resist him. It was like I was a magnet, and he was forged of iron. I felt an irresistible pull whenever I was near him. It didn’t matter what was going on in my head. When Giovani was near , he was all I wanted. I believed him when he said he would keep safe.
The problem was that he wasn’t able to be with twenty-four/seven. What happened if soone tried to hurt when he wasn’t around? Sure, he could put bodyguards on , but that wasn’t the sa as his loving protection. Soone assigned to protect would never have the sa passion about it as Giovani would.
His thumb skated across my nipple and sent my worries out of my head. I tilted my neck back so that he could press soft kisses just under my chin, one of my favorite places. Delicious shivers radiated out from his kisses and down my back, working the stress out of my body and replacing it with growing desire.
I opened my eyes to look at him and felt montarily out of place. I had forgotten that we were in my old bedroom, not together in our new room as we usually were. Looking around, I decided that I didn’t want to be together like this in this room. It reminded of when we had to sneak around and had Alessandro adding a ridiculous amount of extra stress to our lives.
“Can we go to our bed?” I asked.
Gio lifted his head up from where he had been kissing his way down my neck. He looked into my eyes, trying to read my emotions.
“Of course, carina.”
He pulled his hand away from my breast and fixed my shirt so that we could walk down the hall without looking indecent. He stood up from the bed and readjusted himself. I blushed to see the barely-contained erection. I didn’t think I would ever get used to the way he physically reacted to .
Gio held his hand out and helped up off of the bed. As I turned to walk out the door, he pulled back toward him and wrapped into a fierce hug.
“Just be honest with , my love. Just tell what you’re thinking. Please.” His voice was full of desperation as he clung to .
I hugged him back, my voice too thick with emotion to answer him. It didn’t matter anyway; I had no idea what to say. After a few monts, he let go, and we walked to our room hand in hand. No matter how good his hand felt circled around mine, it couldn’t keep my anxious thoughts from swirling.
I wasn’t sure if this was ever going to work.
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