Becca.
I walked out of the lawyer’s office feeling as though I were floating sowhere outside myself. Everything just seed so... surreal.
Jas was carrying Alessandro. But then I had a sudden need to hold the child, as though physically having him in my arms could protect us all from having him taken away.
Woodenly, I held out my arms for Alessandro.
“Becca... are you sure?” Jas asked.
I nodded, and Jas carefully passed the one-year-old over. Alessandro blinked dark eyes up at , completely unaware of the dangerous ga that was going on around him. Unaware of the dangerous gas that had been going on around him.
“Jas, I can’t lose him,” I whispered. “If the judge says I can keep him, but I have to go away from you... I will.”
“I know,” Jas said without judgnt. He put a hand at my back, but I pulled away.
“Everything’s gone wrong, and every ti it does, there you are right in the middle of it,” I spoke sternly. “Why is it that you keep f*cking up my life? Our lives?!”
Jas frowned. “Becca, that’s not entirely fair.”
“Oh yeah? What’s ‘fair,’ then? Grooming Alessandro to be a mafia don or maybe having Russians descend on my ho in New Zealand—”
“That was Neal’s fault, not mine,” Jas said angrily.
“And Tally? What about Tally?” I replied in a harsh tone.
Jas scowled. “Don’t you dare bring my daughter into this. Of course, I feel guilty over what happened to Tally. Do you think I don’t? Do you think I don’t beat myself up every day over it?”
“You should!” I shouted.
People on the sidewalk began giving us a wider berth, staring at us incredulously.
Jas shook his head. “You’re not in any fit state of mind to have this conversation. I’ll see you at the car.” He strode away from , knowing full well that “the boys” were surrounding us at a discreet distance.
I’d upset him so much, however, that he began to cross against the light, and a taxi ca zooming towards him.
“JAS!” I shouted, running towards him.
With the bumper rely inches from Jas’s legs, one of “the boys” appeared and hauled him back.
Alessandro began fussing, not understanding what was going on but able to sense that sothing was wrong.
I went to Jas, who still looked bewildered, and pressed into his side. “Jas, what the hell were you thinking?!”
Jas looked down at and Alessandro and shrugged, regaining his composure. “I suppose I wasn’t.”
“I—” I began.
“Let’s just go ho, Becca,” Jas said.
“Ho? Italy?” I asked. “But they’re taking our passports—”
“Scarsdale. Let’s go.” Jas almost roughly directed across the crosswalk once the light turned and escorted into the black sedan that was waiting for us on the other side.
My heartbeat was still erratic, but Alessandro had cald down with a little bouncing. “Jas—?”
“Not now, Becca,” Jas snapped. He rubbed a hand over his face. “I just... can’t... right now.”
I swallowed. “Okay.”
It took about an hour to get to the beautiful, large, colonial mansion in Scarsdale that Jas had either bought or rented. I didn’t know which, and I couldn’t ask him, given the mood I’d put him in.
When the car stopped, Jas hopped right out and stalked away from Alessandro and I, two of “the boys” trailing behind him.
I blinked tears from my eyes and got out of the sedan with a little help from “the boys” to get Alessandro and I out upright.
“He’ll be in his study, ma’am,” one of “the boys” said, trying to be helpful.
I nodded, but I was fairly certain he didn’t want to see . Not right now.
Inside the house was just as gorgeous and tasteful as the outside. I took a long staircase upstairs to get to my room, which had a connecting door to the nursery. Both were already set up.
I noticed that Jas had not put his things in my room. I wondered if that was a recent decision, or if he’d done that in deference to my lingering misgivings.
There was an alphabet mat on the floor in Alessandro’s nursery, so I set him down on it and then sat down myself, finally removing my heels. Alessandro squealed in delight when he found there were also Duplos to play with, and he began puzzling himself so strange zig-zag creation.
Jas did not make an appearance the rest of the day. I spent the entirety of the day with Alessandro, playing with him, making sure he ate, singing him to sleep. After I put him down for the night, the guilt had eaten a hole in big enough to drive a truck through. I went to find Jas.
“Niccolo?” I asked one of “the boys.” “Do you know where Jas is?”
“Don Valentino is still in his office, Ms. Woods,” Niccolo said.
“Thank you.” I started one direction down the hall, but Niccolo cleared his throat delicately and pointed the other way.
I went to the door that was open just a crack with light shining out of it. Through the crack, I could see Jas sitting in a chair, tumbler in hand, with so amber liquid in it.
“Jas?” I said, pushing open the door. “I... I wanted...”
“What DO you want, Becca?” Jas asked, his eyes red-rimd. I didn’t know if it was the alcohol or if he’d actually been crying.
“I... wanted to say I’m sorry...” I wrung my hands. “I said terrible things...”
“That’s not what I’m talking about, Becca,” Jas sighed, leaning his head back on the chair.
I lowered my eyes. “I know.”
Jas gestured for to sit in the chair across his desk.
I perched awkwardly on the edge of it, staring down at my hands.
“Are you ready to talk?” Jas asked.
“I... I don’t know...” I admitted.
Jas rubbed the bridge of his nose. “You need to get there soon, Becca. I know you’re tired of being yo-yoed around, but so am I. I’m very tired of fighting with you, Becca, and being the root of all your problems. You can’t bla for everything all the ti.”
“Well, you did cause a lot of...” I trailed off, hearing myself for the first ti. I sounded like a complete b*tch, and worse, a child.
“I know I caused a lot of trouble. I know Tally’s death is my fault. But I’m trying, Becca. I really am trying,” Jas said.
“It....” I licked my lips. “It wasn’t fair of to say Tally’s death was your fault. It’s nobody’s fault but the man who pulled the trigger. You didn’t know that was going to happen.”
Jas looked at over the rim of his tumbler, shocked at my words. “Pardon?”
“And Italy...” I fidgeted my hands in my lap. “You saved us by taking us to Italy. Neal even said so.”
“Don’t tell that prick has been in contact again,” Jas growled.
I shook my head. “No. What he said right before you showed up. That I should and would trust you... that was right.”
“Is that all you have to say?” Jas asked after I was silent for a while.
“No.” I took a deep breath, my eyes stinging with tears. “You could have died today, for real, this ti, and I rembered what my life was like without you in it.”
“And?” Jas prompted.
“I...” I looked up at him. “I don’t ever want that to happen again.”
Jas rocked in his office chair, staring at the wall. “So, how do you plan to accomplish that?”
“I don’t understand,” I said, frowning.
Jas looked back at . “How do you plan to not lose ?”
Oh F*CK. “D-Did I lose you?” I wheezed.
“Not yet.” Jas sighed and closed his eyes. “But sotis, Becca, you make it very f*cking hard to stay in love with you. And I know you could say the sa about .”
Hurt stabbed through the heart. “Couples are all like that. They fight, and they get over things. And then they find new things to argue about. But they stay a team. And they love each other. And the good tis outweigh the bad.”
“Do they?” Jas asked.
“Do they what?” I responded, trying to follow the track of his thoughts. It occurred to he might be a little drunk. Not so drunk that he didn’t know or an what he was saying, but drunk enough to be this honest with .
“Do the good tis outweigh the bad? With us?” Jas replied.
I tried to swallow past a lump in my throat. “I don’t know,” I said honestly, “but I’d like them to. I’d like for us to have that chance.”
Jas nodded and stared at the wall again. “, too.”
I was so relieved I could have lted into a puddle right there on the chair. “Okay, so, we work on it. We... we give it a real shot. I stop blaming you for everything. You keep honest and open communication with . We... we just see where this goes. I love you, Jas.”
“I love you, too,” Jas said. He set his tumbler down and turned to face . “I’m in–one hundred percent, Becca. One hundred percent. There is nothing in this world more important to than you and the kids. But I can’t be in it by myself. You understand?”
With a small sob, I reached across the desk and took his hand. “I’m in. One hundred percent.”
Jas searched my eyes. I hoped mine were filled with the sa determination I felt.
“Good,” Jas responded. He tugged on my hand, and I went around the desk to sit in his lap, curling up and snuggling my head up under his chin.
Jas swiveled the chair slowly back and forth slightly, and dropped a kiss on my hair. “I won’t tell anyone if you decide you need to cry.”
The need to cry had beco a ball of sickness in my stomach. When was the last ti I’d cried? Had I ever fully mourned the loss of my new life in New Zealand? Or this situation with Alessandro? Or any number of little things that had just kept piling up since Jas had “died”?
“What if I don’t stop?” I asked Jas softly.
“Then I’ll be here through it with you,” Jas replied.
My throat swelled closed. I wasn’t sure I could speak past the strangled feeling of impending tears.
Finally, I buried my face in Jas’s neck and started to sob.
Jas kept rocking us gently, back and forth, while I soaked one of his nice silk shirts with my tears.
I didn’t rember falling asleep. I only knew I had when Jas laid down on cool sheets. Blinking, I realized I was in my room, and that Alessandro was in the next room over, sleeping soundly.
Jas toed off his shoes and got into bed as well, spooning from behind. I put my arms over his around and closed my eyes again.
Sohow, just in this small mont, everything felt as though it was going to be okay.
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