After waking up, I had a little problem...
First, it presented itself as a peculiar sensation: I wasn't used to walking slowly.
At least, I didn't think I was. However, I was forced to do so, as everything now felt unfamiliar. My steps were steady, it wasn't an issue with the muscles or anything, but... I don't know... It was... sothing different. I had a slow, dragging feeling as if I were being weighed down by so invisible force. The weirdest thing was that the mont I was using my body to exercise, it was gone. Yet, the mont I stopped, it ca back.
At first, I thought it would go away. But it didn't.
I’d spent a week in the dbay after waking up, having constant checkups either by Vila or by Master Ben. Then, after being discharged, I was eting with the others, including Iowi and Jalo. To my surprise, the forr was just as relieved that I was fine as my rodian friend.
Which felt nice. And it prompted to get back to routine training... Right... That was when the other issues began to surface.
The mont I tried to lift a training ball, nothing major, just a simple object, it hadn’t so much as wobbled. I imdiately knew why I felt sluggish. The Force wasn't flowing right... Or, it wasn't listening to the right way... It sat there, motionless, while I stared at it like an idiot. Sothing in reached for it, that part was the sa... But as I tried, it felt hard, like pushing back against ... So I ca out empty-handed in the end. The more I tried, the more I realized I had hit a wall.
My frustration must’ve radiated out way too strongly, because Master Ben ca to find not long after, yet I was alone when I discovered the issue... and I didn't ntion it to anyone. He found at one of the balconies, and he didn’t ask questions; he just sat beside on the old stone ledge that overlooked the jungle canopy before us.
“Your Force connection feels wrong, doesn’t it?” He got straight to the point. I appreciated it because... it felt genuine.
“Dead,” I muttered. “I can’t even levitate a rock.”
"No, it isn't dead, but it is resisting you." He nodded, rubbing his jaw, and I felt as if he was recalling sothing from his own past... That feeling was super intense for so reason, making perk up, “It’s trauma... I know it well.”
"...?" I turned my head, curious, and the feeling coming from him was indeed stronger than I had ever felt it before. I couldn't tell if it was part of the change I went through or... “Master? You?”
“When I was young,” he said, “I shut myself off from the Force for years. It was amidst the Yuuzhan Vong wars. After… everything that happened... I didn’t even know I’d done it. But my mind tried to defend in the only way it could. Later, it was my cousin Jacen who helped find my way back from that state, and he beca my Master.”
His voice carried a subtle, heavy weight, and I suddenly felt guilty for thinking I was alone in this. I wasn’t... Of course not. Not to ntion... Jacen Solo. I brought up mories I shouldn't have... Everyone knew him; sadly, most people now knew him as a madman, Darth Caedus, so even calling him the second Darth Vader. No wonder people looked at my Master's bloodline as a cursed one...
“I didn’t an to close myself off,” I murmured, not really knowing what else I could say, “but it’s like a part of has been… lost.”
“It has indeed. Your mind did it to protect you, most likely.” He gave a faint smile. “You’ll find your way back. You did it once, just not all of you ca back in one piece. Part of you is still out there, in the Force, lost. At least, that is what my father believes. In ti, it should return to you, but you will have to work on it.”
I looked down at my hands, listening to him. My fingers were still shaking faintly... He may be right. No... He was right. I didn't lose everything. I still had access to the Force, in a way, an even greater and deeper access...
But it mainly beca instinctive. Not sothing I could control, but sothing that happened, nonetheless, whether I wanted it or not. In sparring drills with Vila yesterday, my body moved before I thought. Vila had pushed hard, testing my limits, trying to get to engage, and I responded faster than ever. My blade had t hers in midair without conscious direction, and I’d known where she would strike before her sabers even moved. It was the quickest duel we had because I disard her... in two and a half moves.
Of course, she then forced to practice for four hours straight...
Then there was the whisper I felt when I spoke with her afterward, and she... lied to . It wasn't a bad lie, just a small one when she said she’d been sleeping fine. It wasn’t just a hunch. I knew she was lying to then, and I knew it with clarity. Her words had a different weight, and the false tone rang especially hollow in my mind, imdiately warning that what she said was a lie... She was having nightmares.
I didn't press her on it... knowing how she would react, but the feeling was... weird. The worst thing is, I couldn't control it anymore, just like when I was a young kid. Everything reverted to that state but intensified in a dreadful manner. Whenever I talked with soone, I caught myself reading their feelings so well that, in fact, it felt like I was in their heads. I haven't discussed it with anyone yet, not even Vila.
I wasn’t sure if this was part of the recovery… or sothing else entirely. Sadly, all evidence was pointing towards the fact that this was so type of permanent change.
"Master..."
"You will be fine." He smiled, patting my shoulders, "Your thoughts are in turmoil. Let it settle and don't rush it. Healing takes ti... It took years for to start over, so don't feel lost if it doesn't change from one day to the next."
"I will... try." I nodded, smiling back at him a little.
...
....
......
Later that night, I returned to my room and stared at the curved, tal cylinder on my desk. My lightsaber... It was the second issue I had encountered since resuming practice.
The first ti I ignited it after recovery, I expected to see the familiar bluish-pink blade, knowing how Vila used to tease about its odd hue, saying it matched my 'moody abilities.' But when the saber hissed to life in my hands, after waking up, it felt... different. Vila also furrowed her brows, looking closely. It was still blue. It still had a hue... but it was no longer the typical pinkish-blue I was used to.
It had a more... indigo coloration. It beca deeper, stronger in saturation. Still, it felt just as familiar, but... How do I say this... Sharper. As if sothing within the crystal had changed along with . I know that kyber crystals are representations of a Jedi's state within the Force. I know that most Dark Side users bleed their crystal to get the red color... But as for what it ant for ? I had no idea.
As for Master, he said it isn't usual for it to change... but it happens, mainly when a Jedi experiences sothing really traumatic.
Watching it, I turned it slowly in my hand, observing how the light bent against the walls. The hum of it was the sa, yet there was sothing richer in the tone. Sothing… resonant. With ? Or with the Force? Both? I couldn't tell. In the end, with a sigh, I closed it down and sat down cross-legged, the saber beside , and tried to ditate.
At first, there was only stillness... Then ca the thread, the sa one I grabbed onto when Master Yoda visited ... The sa one I’d followed back from that void. I was trying to recall our discussion, and I could finally rember parts of it, but not all of it. So of it felt like a dream, still eluding . Maybe it was what Ben ant... that part of is still there on its way back to .
Taking a deep breath, I focused on the thread, doing my best to follow it inward, into myself.
No visions ca this ti around, and there were no voices. Only the sense of presence… of others. The people close to my alcove... The new Padawans who arrived at the temple while I was unconscious... I could feel Vila’s worry down the hall, sitting in her own alcove, ditating. I could feel Master Rosh’s contentnt as he drank tea in the courtyard. Expanding my senses further, I could feel Pash, one of the new, younger Padawans, brooding over sothing he wouldn't say aloud. I think... Yes... he was missing his mother... Sera... He was thinking of her, holding back tears...
And for a mont, I didn’t know whether I was reading emotions… or thoughts. And that... It terrified for so reason.
When I opened my eyes, I was sweating. My heart pounded as if I’d sprinted a mile because this wasn’t normal. I’d never felt like this about people before... My biggest issue was that suddenly I didn't know if I could look at them the sa way again. I was seeing everyone as they were. Who wants soone to know them perfectly from the get-go?! This was way too dangerous... If anyone learns that just by being near , I can reveal everything about them, who would want to get close to ?
Everyone has secrets... Everyone needs secrets... We can't just put ourselves out there, not even if we are Jedi. This was... bad.
...
....
......
The next day, Master Ben pulled aside after morning drills and asked if I’d like to talk. I guess... he was just as sharp as ever.
I hesitated at first, but then nodded, and I felt Vila's gaze on my back, seeing walk away with Ben. I knew she was worried, and I knew she would ask about what's going on. She has been holding it back for a long ti now, and her patience has run out. I can understand that... we didn't even talk about the kissing thing and everything else that happened. Haaahh... Why does everything need to be so complicated?
“I felt sothing yesterday,” I said as we walked, no longer holding back. “I think I… I heard soone’s thoughts. No... Not thoughts. I could read them through their feelings.”
"Mhm," Master nodded, and he didn’t flinch. “Who?”
“Vila, of course... But... also Master Rosh. And one of the younglings. I knew what they were feeling from just letting myself... be.”
"I see..." He studied , arms folded. “You’re not going insane, Kael. What you’re experiencing is an intensified form of empathy, sothing you were already good at. I had sothing similar, but yours turns out to be even stronger now... one that borders on cognitive resonance. So Jedi develop it naturally, especially after extre trauma.”
“Haaah... Just when I finally mastered the previous variant... Iowi would have a field day with if he learns about it...”
“No, he wouldn't.” He looked thoughtful while speaking. “He has grown a lot, too. I feel that the imbalance in you could be a reason for your troubles. I think as you learn to live with it, to gain control over it again, your self will slowly return and be completed.”
“Haaaah... I miss the old way,” I admitted, feeling a bit... No... I was very annoyed. “I want to lift rocks again instead of dealing with... this. Dealing with... .”
“You will,” he said with a chuckle, patting my back, “But maybe not until you stop trying to be who you were. Your connection didn’t vanish; this is the proof! It evolved. Don't chase the past, Kael, look for the future.”
"I..." Listening, I couldn't help but take a deep breath. “Master... What if I start hearing things I shouldn’t?” I asked quietly. “What if I can’t stop eavesdropping?”
“That’s sothing you’ll have to learn to control,” Master answered, putting a hand on my shoulder. “But I believe you can. You’re still yourself, Kael. Even if you’ve changed. We all change as ti goes on... it is inevitable. Change can be scary, but sotis it is needed for us to evolve. To beco better. Don't let it ruin you, Kael. I have trust in you.”
"Thanks... Master..."
"Don't." He smiled warmly at , "As your Master, I will always stand with you. I will always trust you... Even when you are no longer my Padawan."
"Master?" I asked, because once again, I caught a feeling and...
"No mind reading!" He joked, flicking my forehead, "You will learn of it soon."
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