The speakeasy’s clock struck midnight—then kept striking. Seventeen tis.
Zara groaned, her raccoon ears flattening. "Either I’m drunk, or ti’s broken."
"Both," Lilith muttered, her quill scratching furiously. "Mammon’s partnered with Chronos’ Loan Sharks. They’re accelerating our existential debt."
A notification burned in the air:
[ TI DEBT INCOMING: 10 YEARS COMPOUNDED ]
[ EFFECT: Rapid aging, mory loss, bad haircuts ]
Seraphina’s armor creaked as she aged mid-stride, her platinum braid streaking silver. "Fix. This. Now."
Nishanth cracked his neck. "We’re robbing Ti’s Vault. Steal back our years—with interest."
Zara lunged for a ti crystal on the table—only to freeze as it morphed into a giant truffle.
"What the fudge?!"
Lilith snorted. "Karmic blowback. You stole from a Candyland warlock last week."
"It was one gummy dragon!"
"Now everything you steal turns to sugar." Nishanth tossed her a chocolate dagger. "Sweet, right?"
Zara hurled it at a rustling shadow. "I’ll murder you in your sleep!"
[ NEW DEBUFF: "SUGAR RUSH" – Zara’s speed 50%, IQ -90% ]
The Temporal Bank was a hourglass skyscraper filled with sands of ti instead of gold. Guards patrolled with pocket watches that could erase seconds from your life.
Lilith hacked the security system. "We’ve got 10 minutes before they compound our debt again."
Seraphina charged, her sword now a walking cane (thanks to aging). "Keep up, old man."
Nishanth, now silver-haired and scowling, lobbed ti grenades (overdue notices). "Zara! Distract the guards!"
Zara pirouetted, flinging chocolate shurikens. "Eat dessert, losers!"
The guards slipped on lted caral, screaming as their watches short-circuited.
[ AGE STATUS: TEAM AVG. 75 YEARS OLD (BUT SPICY) ]
Lilith froze at the vault door. "There’s a... festive lock."
The chanism was a giant snowglobe filled with screaming elves.
"Santa’s Naughty List," Lilith hissed. "I audited it once. He’s a tyrant with a cookie addiction."
Zara grinned. "You? Scared of Santa?"
"He knows my SIN number!" Lilith blasted the lock, unleashing a sugarplum explosion.
Inside, ti itself was stored in glowing hourglasses. Nishanth grabbed theirs—but a shadow laughed.
Mammon leaned against a sleigh, eating milk and cookies. "Aw, you t my new partner?"
Santa Claus erged, red suit singed, beard on fire, holding a chainsaw candy cane. "Ho ho... oh no you don’t."
[ FINAL BOSS UNLOCKED: "KARMIC KRINGLE" ]
Santa’s chainsaw candy cane revved like an angry reindeer. "YOU’RE ON THE NAUGHTY LIST!" he bellowed, sending frosting-spray with every word.
Zara ducked behind a lting gumdrop wall. "Okay, new plan: we die!"
"Not happening." Nishanth’s aged hands (now sporting liver spots) flicked golden coins at Santa’s boots—instant ice skates. The jolly tyrant face-planted into a peppermint minefield.
Lilith groaned. "Why is he literally indestructible?"
"Christmas magic," Seraphina wheezed, leaning on her sword-cane. "Also, he’s drunk on eggnog."
A notification popped:
[ BOSS WEAKNESS: "HOLIDAY CHEER OVERDOSE" ]
[ SUGGESTION: Kill him with kindness ]
Zara’s raccoon tail had puffed to twice its size from adrenaline (and sugar). She vaulted over a gingerbread turret, snatching a unicorn lollipop from a fleeing elf.
"Got the cure!" She took a bite—and blinked. "Oh. It’s just kale-flavored."
Her chocolate curse reversed in a glittery burst, but now she spoke in health nut slogans. "Carpe diem! Let’s organic-ize this jerk!"
Nishanth facepald. "Worse. Sohow worse."
Lilith faced Santa, her ledger trembling. "Fine! I embezzled 12% of 2018’s Christmas spirit! Happy?!"
Santa paused mid-chainsaw-swing. "...just 12%?"
"I had student loans!"
The Krampus whistle around Santa’s neck shattered from sheer disappointnt.
[ SANTA’S MORALE: CRITICALLY LOW ]
[ LILITH’S GUILT: REDUCED BY 50% (STILL A DEMON) ]
Nishanth seized the mont, lobbing a golden stocking stuffed with:
IOUs from the Tooth Fairy
Easter Bunny’s gambling debts
A photo of Mammon stealing Santa’s cookies (2016)
Santa wept hot cocoa tears. "I just wanted to believe in sothing..."
Zara patted his back. "It’s not you, it’s capitalism."
With a sleigh-explosion of sha, Santa vanished in a puff of tax-deductible glitter.
The team’s stolen years whooshed back, de-aging them—except Nishanth kept his silver fox streaks ("They’re tactical").
[ TI DEBT: SETTLED ]
[ NEW PERK: "Festive Immunity" – No holiday-related curses for 1 year ]
A celestial subpoena exploded into the speakeasy, showering everyone in glittery legal jargon.
"Nishanth von Valtros et al.," it bood, "you are hereby sued for... existential defamation and emotional damages."
Zara, now wearing a kale-leaf headband, gasped. "We should settle out of court! Maybe do community service!"
Nishanth flicked kale out of her hair. "What did that lollipop do to you?"
Lilith skimd the docunt. "Mammon’s taking us to the Cosmic Court of Infinite Jurisdiction. Trial starts yesterday."
Seraphina’s eye twitched. "Ti travel lawyers. Fantastic."
Zara’s wholeso curse escalated. She’d replaced all their alcohol with kombucha and hung motivational posters: "Stealing is just borrowing without consent... which is wrong!"
"This is hell," Lilith muttered, sipping sparkling algae water.
"Embrace growth!" Zara chirped, reorganizing stolen gems into a charity donation pile.
Nishanth snapped. "Fix. Her. Now."
Lilith sighed. "We need the Candyland warlock. He’s... retired. Runs a vegan bakery now."
[ QUEST ADDED: "Unicorn Lollipop Detox" ]
The courtroom was a black hole in a powdered wig. The judge? A sentient gavel with a British accent.
"Order! Order or I’ll charge you with contempt... of reality," it thundered.
Mammon lounged at the plaintiff’s table, dressed in a skintight pantsuit made of lawsuit filings. "Your honor, the defendants ruined my brand."
Nishanth leaned back. "Your brand’s a pyramid sche. I have spreadsheets."
"Irrelevant!" The gavel-judge glared. "Proceed, Ms. Mammon."
Mammon smirked. "I call my first witness: Santa Claus."
The back doors burst open. Santa trudged in, chainsaw cane in hand, therapy reindeer trailing behind.
"They... they hurt my feelings," Santa sniffled.
[ COURTROOM MORALE: CRUMBLING ]
Seraphina stood abruptly. "I object."
"On what grounds?" the gavel-judge snapped.
"Conflict of interest." She removed her helt, revealing pointed elf ears. "I was Santa’s lead toymaker in 302 B.C. He owes 87 billion years of back pay."
The courtroom gasped. Mammon’s smile died.
Lilith pounced. "Your honor, this proves Santa’s a hostile witness! He’s avoiding labor lawsuits!"
The gavel-judge vibrated angrily. "Santa’s credibility is... compromised. Case dismissed!"
Mammon’s scream shook the cosmos. "I’LL APPEAL TO THE SUPRE GOD OF TAXES!"
Back at the bakery, the warlock—now Bryan, Vegan Artisan—handed Zara a gluten-free lollipop. "This’ll reverse the curse. Maybe."
Zara bit it. "Tastes like existential dread."
Her raccoon tail poofed back to normal. "Ugh, I feel filthy. Who wants to rob a bank?!"
Nishanth grinned. "Welco back."
[ DEBUFF REMOVED: "KALE KARMA" ]
[ ZARA’S THIEVING SPIRIT: RESTORED (WITH EXTRA SASS) ]
Mammon stared into a void mirror, clutching a black credit card etched with Elder Gods’ runes.
"Fine," she whispered. "If I can’t own reality... I’ll cancel it."
The card’s hologram displayed:
"APOCALYPSE LOAN APPROVED. INTEREST RATE: ∞%. DUE NOW."
[ FINAL WARNING: "DEBT-TO-EXISTENCE RATIO CRITICAL" ]
The sky cracked like a bad credit score. Mammon’s voice bood from the void:
"APOCALYPSE LOAN ACTIVATED. COLLATERAL: ALL REALITY. PAYNT DUE: NOW."
Nishanth’s vault alarms blared. "She’s foreclosing on existence itself."
Zara tossed a chocolate grenade (still kale-free, thankfully) at a collapsing building. "So... we just die?"
"Not today," Lilith snarled, her quill carving a hellish escape portal. "We’re crashing her repo party!"
Seraphina’s elf ears twitched. "I know where she’ll be. The Eternal Stock Exchange—where she’ll trade our souls for cosmic leverage."
[ SYSTEM NOTIFICATION ]
[ FINAL MISSION: "SHORT-SELL THE APOCALYPSE" ]
[ REWARD: Bragging rights (if you survive) ]
The portal spat them onto a floating trading floor where angels in gray suits crunched numbers. At the center stood the IRS Angel, a towering figure with:
Feathers made of tax forms
A flaming calculator sword
Glowing audit-beam eyes
"NISHANTH VON VALTROS," it intoned. "YOU’VE FAILED TO REPORT INHERITED GODHOOD INCO."
Zara ducked behind a stock ticker. "Can we bribe it?!"
"No," Lilith said. "But we can itemize deductions."
Seraphina charged, her sword-cane now a holy receipt spike. "I’ll claim charitable combat expenses!"
[ BATTLE START: ANGELIC ACCOUNTANTS VS. TEAM CHAOS ]
Zara slithered past the IRS Angel, her raccoon tail swiping offshore account codes. "Hey, Taxzilla! Missed a decimal point!"
The Angel’s calculator sword glitched. "ERROR. ERROR."
Nishanth tossed Zara a diamond-encrusted USB. "Upload the Black Swan Algorithm!"
She jamd it in, and the Angel short-circuited into a kitten .
"Aww," Zara cooed. "Still gonna rob you."
[ IRS ANGEL: NEUTRALIZED ]
[ TEAM MORALE: 100% (TAX-FREE) ]
Mammon awaited them on a throne of black credit cards, her dress now a living hurricane of debt contracts.
"Pathetic," she sneered. "You can’t stop a force majeure clause!"
Nishanth stepped forward, silver streaks gleaming. "You forgot one thing."
"What?"
"I always read the fine print." He snapped his fingers.
Tax Evasion erged, holding the unicorn lollipop dipped in holy printer ink. "This voids your loan! Bye, Karen!"
She stabbed it into Mammon’s throne.
The Apocalypse Loan dissolved into confetti. Mammon scread, unraveling into worthless monopoly money.
[ FINAL NOTIFICATION ]
[ MAMMON: LIQUIDATED ]
[ REALITY: SAVED (FOR NOW) ]
Back at the speakeasy, the team celebrated with stolen celestial champagne.
Zara looted Mammon’s black credit card. "Souvenir!"
Seraphina stared at her elf ears in a mirror. "I need a drink. And a chainsaw."
Lilith toasted Nishanth. "You’re still the worst client ever."
"But you love ."
"Shut up."
A glowing subpoena materialized.
"NOTICE: THE SUPRE GOD OF TAXES HAS APPEALED."
Nishanth smirked. "Round two?"
[ TO BE CONTINUED ]
Reviews
All reviews (0)