*Saoirse*
“What do you think of this color for the walls, Your Highness?”
Hearing soone call that was still shocking to my system, so it took a second to respond to her.
“Hm, perhaps we could paint a small section and see what it would look like overall,” I suggested. “It’s a little dark, and I feel like it might overwhelm the room.”
“Your Highness, we need you to pick between these two fabrics for the bedding,” another designer said, walking up to with two different swatches.
I put my hands out and felt both. One was much softer than the other, but the other was thicker and warr.
“This one,” I told her, pointing to the soft one.
The thicker one just felt way too thick for a baby’s skin. A smile crossed my face as I looked around at the royal nursery suite, which was already coming along nicely. In just a short amount of ti, we had already picked out the furniture and the main supplies. Now it was just down to decorating and logically organizing the room.
A small knock on the door caught my attention, and I looked up.
“Queen Lena,” the won in the room praised with small curtsies.
I followed suit and dropped into a small curtsy as well. “Hello, everyone. Wow,” she said, smiling as she looked around the room. “You have all been busy. The room is really coming together nicely.”
“Thank you, Your Majesty,” the main designer said, bowing her head again in a gesture of thanks.
“I apologize for the interruption, but could I please speak to my daughter-in-law in private for a mont?” Queen Lena continued in her polite tone.
“Yes, of course, Your Majesty,” the head designer answered and then gestured to the rest of the won to follow her from the room.
They shut the door quietly behind them as they left. I shifted uncomfortably.
I liked the queen. I always had. She had been one of the only people to ever make feel truly seen and heard while living in the castle. However, I had not talked privately with her since returning. I was worried that she might not feel the sa about . She had been at our wedding, but I didn’t know her true feelings.
“I just wanted to complint you, Saoirse,” Queen Lena began with a smile. “I have been watching you the past few days, and you truly seem to be flourishing. Amidst all the wedding bliss and baby preparations, you are truly glowing.”
“Thank you,” I said, feeling my cheeks redden. I shifted, still uncomfortable.
“Is there sothing wrong, Saoirse?” she asked.
“No, not at all,” I said, smiling bigger to cover up the lie.
The queen seed to see right through it. She stepped closer to , lowering her voice so it ca out even softer.
“You know, you can talk to about anything, Saoirse,” Queen Lena said. “You went through a lot. It would be understandable for you to have feelings...”
“No, really, I’m fine,” I said. Even I didn’t believe the words now. Queen Lena stepped closer still and wrapped in her arms. I stood there for a mont, stiff under the physical affection I wasn’t used to getting.
“It must have been terrifying,” Queen Lena whispered in my ear, “nearly losing yourself.”
Her words surprised again. I flinched at the mories I didn’t want to face. There had been so many hardships in my life, but not being in control of my own body had been terrifying. I shook my head as if I could shake away the mories and the feelings that crept in with them.
“Saoirse,” Queen Lena said slowly, not letting go of , “it’s okay to talk about what happened. It doesn’t make you weak to express yourself.”
“I–” I began, my voice breaking. “I don’t know if I can talk about it.”
Queen Lena pulled back but dropped her hands to my own, squeezing them. She had a sympathetic look on her face, but it wasn’t one of pity. It seed to be one of understanding.
“I will tell you right now that being on guard and building up walls to keep people out might seem like the best way to protect yourself, but it is not,” she said.
“It’s the only thing I know,” I told her, honestly. “I’m trying but don’t know how to lower the walls. I don’t think I can.”
“You can’t hide behind those walls forever,” she said gently. “Just like you can’t hide behind these walls forever either.”
My eyes shot up to hers again. What was she saying? Was I not welco here?
“It’s understandable that what you have just been through, and given your condition, you would crave stability and safety,” she continued. “Even in the short amount of ti that I have known you, I know you better than that.”
“What do you an?” I asked defensively.
She took a step back, trying to give more space.
“Well...” For the first ti, she hesitated. “Forgive for ntioning this, but the way you handled Rhys not showing up to the wedding tells that you avoid facing difficult emotions. You chose to run instead of staying behind and addressing the situation.”
I opened my mouth, but she cut off before I could speak.
“And I am not saying that wasn’t a reasonable response to the events!” she exclaid quickly. “It just shows that your strengths are in action, which goes along with everything else I know about you. You are a fierce, independent, strong woman who will not be happy just sitting in a castle the rest of her life.”
“It’s different now,” I choked out. Despite trying to keep my walls up, sothing about Lena was breaking through my defenses. My hand drifted to my stomach. “It isn’t just I have to think about now. And I’ve already been through so much. I don’t think I can take any more.”
“Oh, Saoirse, I know,” Queen Lena said sympathetically. “You’ve been through more than anybody ever should.”
She looked like she wanted to co up and give another hug, but she hesitated this ti and continued.
“If you were a normal girl, I would tell you to do whatever you could to feel safe,” she said slowly. “However, you are not a normal girl any longer. As future Luna Queen, you will not be able to hide away behind these walls forever, even if you wish to. You will have to learn to face the difficult emotions you try to avoid to overco them.”
I stared at the queen in front of , processing her words.
She was right. I knew she was right, but it didn’t make what she was saying any easier. My mories had been haunting my nights ever since regaining myself. I knew I would have to face them sooner or later, but I had been hoping it would be later.
“Threats like Blight and rogue, unethical packs won’t just vanish on their own,” Queen Lena continued in her soft voice. “We need soone who can be strong and stand up for what is just and right in our world, soone who won’t crumble at the atrocities that plague our people.”
I felt my eyes start to burn again. I looked down to the floor, trying to keep control of myself. Everything she was saying still rang true in my head and seed to stir things inside that I had forced deep, deep down. They were things I had no control over.
“You are carrying a life now, the future heir, so of course, I understand, but–”
“You don’t understand,” I snapped, cutting her off before I could continue.
I could feel the tears streaming down my face as I stared back up at her. My throat was burning as if all the pent-up resentnts were like fire trying to escape.
“You don’t understand, nobody understands.” I choked out. “Did your father reject you and disown you from your pack all because you wouldn’t marry an abusive, misogynistic man who only wanted you to produce an heir? No, that was my father.
“I gave everything of myself to Hunters Glen. I was the loyal Alpha’s daughter who bit her tongue and tried to do what was expected of her along with anything else. For Goddess’s sake, I traveled all the way here on a mission to save Hunters Glen. And in one instant, that pack was ripped away from forever.
“And the worst part was that not one single mber of that pack stood up to my father’s decision.”
Queen Lena stood there, listening to patiently and nodding her head as if to encourage to continue.
“And the reason they all turned against was because I received the power of dragon magic to further protect them and everyone else. That didn’t matter to them though. It didn’t matter to anyone, not the wolves and not the dragons who picked on rcilessly when I first arrived in their territory.
“So what did I do? I trained my ass off. I fought. I learned. I believed. Do you know what that hard-earned respect and power got ?
“More trauma.
“And then because of my powers, it was possible for Shylah to co across and hijack my body and powers. She subjected to days and days of not being able to do or say anything, ntally breaking down and making feel like I was going to go insane.
“And that doesn’t even count all the tis I have been taken or kidnapped. Rhys has been the only good thing to ever co into my life, and even that was taken from for a bit.
“So is it really that bad, after losing so much, that all I want to do is keep my baby safe? To keep my baby from having to experience any of those things in the future? Is it?”
The sobs racked my body, and I couldn’t continue speaking. I had said what I needed to. Queen Lena had remained quiet and patient the entire ti. Now that I was done, she stepped back up to and grabbed my hands again. A small fire was burning in her eyes, and I noticed that she had tears leaking as well.
“It’s not bad that you want to keep your baby safe,” she said fiercely. “However, if there is anything your history shows us, it is how strong you are. You do not need a castle to keep your baby safe. You are more than enough.”
Her words hit , and my tears stopped.
“Just because outside forces have stripped you of your birthright and your magic, that does not an you have no strength left,” the queen continued. “The future queen still harbors resilience, courage, and insight enough to champion change using her authority.”
I stared at the woman in front of , the queen.
“Thank you,” I whispered. Purging the toxic burdens from inside of had ridden from my rage as well. Instead of being angry, I just felt exhausted.
The queen and I hugged again and cleaned up a little before heading down for dinner. I didn’t talk the rest of the night. I was too in my head about everything she had said to . Rhys seed to notice sothing was up. After a word from his mother, he didn’t push either.
It wasn’t until I was lying in bed, with Rhys deep asleep beside , that I reluctantly agreed with the queen on most counts.
The reality was that I would never be satisfied hiding in royal silks playing princess for the rest of my life. My active conscience wouldn’t allow it. I convinced myself that there would still be a balance.
I would find a way to protect my family without hiding from obligations that fate entrusted with when it made Rhys’ fated mate.
I would not let him or the Moon Goddess down. It was ti to embrace that fate.
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