“…I-If you have sothing more h-honest about it.”
Dullan made the sign of the cross and looked at Catherine. It was a gesture indicating he would not ntion this as a servant of God. Though he was still a young priest not yet fully ordained, his gesture was skillful. Dullan swore to God and asked Catherine.
“Are you telling the truth?”
Are you truly saying you will die to protect Carynne?
Dullan looked up at Catherine. Their eyes t. Catherine hesitated for a long mont before speaking.
“The truth is… I’m tired.”
Catherine clenched her fists. Her face showed signs of fatigue. Looking at Dullan, Catherine confessed her true feelings.
“I’m really tired of living. This much is enough. I don’t want to see the end. I don’t even care if Carynne succeeds or not. Now I understand why my mother committed suicide. I’ve prepared this much for my daughter, so I’ve done enough. Haven’t I?”
Her eyes seed to ask Dullan if it was alright for her to die now. They were not eyes seeking the truth, but rather, eyes seeking agreent.
“As a priest… I cannot recomnd s-suicide.”
“I can kill myself just fine enough without your help.”
“You will fall into h-hell.”
“That’s a funny joke. How many tis do you think I’ve died so far?”
Dullan paused and then replied.
“…I was saying it out of formality.”
“I see.”
Catherine laughed.
“That’s why I like you.”
* * *
In just a few days, Catherine’s illness beca apparent. She was not omniscient, but she was well-versed in the thods of suicide. One such thod involved using poison.
Catherine prepared and ingested the poison herself. She pretended to be examined by Dullan, but in reality, during their etings, she was taking the poison. When he was not around, she did it alone. Her physician would be baffled by the unknown cause, but it was inevitable.
“To be h-honest… it would just be better f-for you to go peacefully than painfully…”
“But I don’t want that.”
Catherine’s refusal was curt.
Dullan couldn’t understand. He could accept that she wanted to end her life because she was tired of repeated deaths.
But why choose to die painfully?
“Dullan, do you know the mindset of soone who does self-harm?”
“……”
“They want to control their ti of death. By poisoning myself… I feel a sense of relief knowing I am managing my death. This is good not just for , but for others as well. I need ti to face my slowly approaching death, and my family and friends need ti to say goodbye to .”
“T-Thinking of others like that… wouldn’t it be better to live longer?”
“That’s too much of a bother.”
Catherine smirked.
* * *
Catherine looked up at Dullan blankly. Her cheeks were sunken, and dark circles under her eyes had erased her original beauty. This was just the beginning. She would continue to weaken and then die. This was suicide.
Her rough and raspy voice continued.
“What are we?”
Is it a life to continuously bear children? Living in halted ti makes you think strange thoughts. My mother did, and so did my grandmother. We are livestock offered to God, just living like this.
Long ago, priests said we were endlessly blessed. That we could enjoy near-immortality if we knew the future and desired it. They said because we atoned for people’s sins through our deaths, paradise was promised to us.
No one lives a repeated life without sinning. No one. Is everything resolved just because we’ve died? If ti isn’t overlapping, does it an nothing ever happened?
Compared to other won, I might indeed be lucky. All won are expected to marry, bear, and raise children. It’s hard to have a career, inherit wealth, or even leave a na behind.
But should we consider it a blessing to live a life where we bear children, die, and that’s the end of it? After all, for anyone, the goal of life inevitably becos having children… It feels strangely miserable.
If you’re royalty, you might take saving the country as your life’s mission.
If you’re a man, you might aim for a career.
But for us, whose only goal is to have children and reach death, we can only find value in love.
So, at least, I wanted to die having loved.
And I did my best yet failed.
But my daughter will succeed.
…So help . Help ensure that Carynne doesn’t curse my choice… Truly… If she can find a man who makes her think she’s happy… then let her conceive at that ti.
* * *
The funeral was held simply.
It was a lonely funeral, unlike what one would expect for soone who had once been surrounded by royalty and nobility. Because Catherine had died of an illness, only a minimal number of people attended. At that ti, there was a plague spreading nationwide, so people were afraid to leave their villages.
Since Dullan had not yet been fully ordained, he observed the funeral as an assistant priest. However, he questioned the phrase ‘the departed shall ascend to heaven’ in the eulogy.
Would she really go to heaven?
.
.
That day, Dullan decided to beco a heretic for his own god.
* * *
“The young lady cried herself to sleep.”
“How’s her mory?”
“She can hardly rember anything now… But when I ntioned that it’s been a few years since Lady Catherine passed away, she suddenly collapsed.”
How long has it been since Dullan last saw her? He tried to avoid seeing her as much as possible, and he planned to et the fief lord and leave quickly.
Yet, he encountered Carynne. By now, Carynne had reached puberty and grown into a lady. He’s been told that her mory was becoming more and more unreliable.
The plan was progressing steadily.
Carynne’s instances of recalling mories were becoming increasingly rare, and she often found familiar people to be strangers. Nancy said Carynne was starting to behave more like a fairy tale princess. A little more gentle, a little more kind.
“How ironic.”
When she was young, Carynne was never known for her good temperant, even in jest. Dullan rembered the tis when Carynne threw tantrums. And he rembered when she locked him up and set the dogs on him.
Dullan opened the door and looked down at the sleeping Carynne. Her eyes were swollen, and her chest rose and fell slowly, indicating she was deeply asleep.
She had grown enough to be called a ‘woman’ now. Soon, she would beco a stunning beauty who could turn heads. And among the many people she would et, if she found a decent man… she would reach death.
“…Carynne.”
“……”
“Carynne… Hare.”
He called her na, but she didn’t wake up. He felt relieved.
No matter how much he thought about it, he couldn’t bring himself to accept it. Why should she die? Why must ti pass? Under his hand, soone could enjoy eternal life.
Carynne had the chance to live forever. Catherine had dismissed it as a cruel joke, but Dullan saw it as a true blessing. This beauty could be preserved forever.
Catherine’s face was wretched.
The face of soone dying, worn out by life, is dreadful. It’s even more dreadful to think of Carynne living a normal life, finding a man, conceiving a child, and dying just like everyone else.
Here lies eternity. The vast knowledge and history that Catherine had imparted to him were imnse and profound.
Why must eternity be forsaken?
Why must people die?
Catherine died.
But Carynne will not.
Eternally.
Dullan knelt down and prayed about the task he would undertake.
And he confessed to himself that he had beco a heretic.
This girl sleeping before him is his god.
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