#Chapter 54 Do you regret it? Never
Rachel POV
Bella & Rachel’s Apartnt - Rachel’s Bedroom
Bella was a wizard when it ca to organizing the pantry or the refrigerator. She was able to find a place for all the leftovers I had brought ho even though it was enough food for a week. I was grateful for her because if it had been left up to , I’m sure I would have simply thrown everything away only to hate myself later for the waste.
I hadn’t been able to look at Tyler on the ride ho though he had done his best to get my attention, cheer up, gain a reaction of any kind from since I was frozen inside.
I couldn’t respond though because I’d inadvertently reminded myself of all the things wrong with us.
Why had I made a joke about wrinkles?
Neither of us were old enough to worry about age lines. We were healthy and we would benefit from our werewolf birthright whether we could shift again or not. I had only wanted to joke around with him, enjoy the mont, and then, suddenly, I was picturing him with Jenny the Model on his arm.
She would worry about wrinkles.
Was Tyler sleeping with her now?
I could rember the way he had emphasized to he would never cheat on since I was his fated mate. Wynd wouldn’t let him bed another woman. The idea of falling into bed with another female was not interesting to him and he would never ever do it except his wolf was asleep -if not gone entirely- and I was no longer bonded to him as his fated mate.
Did he indulge his desires with other females now? Did he want to? Had he realized he could now Wynd wasn’t awake to stop him?
Nausea rolled the contents of my stomach around. I wished I hadn’t eaten so much. I was going to gain too much weight with this pregnancy. I’d be fat and ugly and my stomach would be a great deflated bag after I gave birth to my daughter and who would want then? Certainly not Tyler who had an Alpha’s physique to go along with his Alpha appetite for sex.
’Are you OK?’
The text startled enough I knocked my phone in the floor.
I scrambled down from the bed to retrieve it and water dropped onto my hand.
Tears.
I had been crying without realizing it. How pathetic was I?
’Are you sleeping with The Model?’
I hated myself for asking, but I needed to ask more.
Ti passed with no reply. I thought the amount of ti between question and response was a reply in itself. Why wouldn’t he say ’no’ if the answer was no? Tyler had never been very good at conversations of a personal nature. He didn’t know how to tell gently, but he thought he should be gentle since I was pregnant.
’Why would you ask that? Are you fucking Lewis?’
Shock froze my hand with my phone held right in front of my face.
I don’t know if it was the crudeness of the question or the fact I hadn’t considered Tyler might have the sa worries I did. I just know his text made feel relaxed for the first ti since I’d reminded myself my mate spent ti in the company of beautiful won who were not .
Carefully composing my reply, I sent back, ’No. I don’t want anyone else that way.’
I waited on a reply which never ca. My phone buzzed as a call ca in and I realized I’d left it on vibrate since I had not wanted it to go off during my ultrasound. I saw Tyler’s na long enough to process he was calling; I answered before I gave myself a chance to think or talk myself out of it.
"Why would you think I was fucking a model? The Model? Is that Jenny? You think I’m fucking Jenny?"
His voice was a staccato beat of accusations into my ear.
I’d made him angry. I could tell from the sound of his voice as much as from the way he couldn’t do more than spit words at in bursts. I had a tendency to make him angry often. Why had I thought we should try again? We were terrible together.
"Rachel. Talk to . You want to talk. Talk!"
Swallowing the spit gathering in my mouth, I find my voice, "It was that stupid thing about wrinkles. She doesn’t have any. Jenny. She’s beautiful and glamorous and terrible and she wants you to-to-to fuck her and you can now, can’t you? Wynd isn’t awake to stop you."
"I don’t need Wynd to stop . I don’t want Jenny. I never wanted Jenny. I only want you. Since I t you, I’ve only ever wanted you."
I expected the words to sound like accusations -how many tis had I blad the lure of our fated mate bond for stealing away from my old life?- but they were gentler than Tyler had spoken to in a long ti. Possibly more gentle than he had spoken to ever.
I couldn’t rember with my hand squeezing my phone so hard my fingers were numb while I tried not to be sick at the idea of my forr mate wrapped around another woman.
"I don’t want Nathan Lewis."
"You seem to want him. He thinks you want him."
Jenny the Model thought Tyler wanted her, too. I wanted to tell him, but I knew he knew and the knowing was enough to stop my tongue in my mouth. All I wanted was to hear him speak gently to . I didn’t even care about the topic.
"He’s still living in the past. I’m not. Not anymore. All I think about now is my future. Our daughter. My music. You."
The last is a whisper I barely hear myself. I have to say it though because Tyler deserves to hear it. I’ve blad him for things failing between us, but I am no innocent. I have my own sins to bear.
"I think about you. Every day. All day. I want you back. Co back to . How do I get you to co back to ?"
I wasn’t sure what I would need to go back to Tyler, but, for the first ti, I realized I would go back to him. I didn’t know when I would give in to the urge to be with Tyler Wright again, but I knew I would. I was certain of it because it was the only future I could imagine being possible for myself or for him.
"I don’t know how to co back to you. I know I will. Eventually."
There wasn’t much of a confession in my tone. I felt as if I were telling him sothing we’d both known all along. The Moon Goddess gave us to each other. We couldn’t belong to anyone else. Our lives were ant to be joined together.
"Why not now?"
Pain tinged his words. I wondered if I had ever thought of Tyler feeling anything close to pain before. All my mories of emotions and Tyler combined were of anger.
I could make him so angry---why was it he always seed so angry with ?
"Why are you always so angry with ?"
I couldn’t think of a reason not to ask. The question felt innocent enough after telling him I would return to his side in ti. Secrets and lies bound us together as much as fate and love. We needed to learn how to communicate if we were going to survive.
"You make feel. Even when I don’t want to. Especially when I don’t want to."
In that mont, I understood Tyler better than I had ever understood anyone else before.
I knew all about unwanted feelings. I had just learned the hard way my mories of ’first love’ were being seen through rose-colored glasses.
Nathan Lewis was not my ’true love’ any more than I was his.
I had blad Tyler for taking my virginity while I was under the influence of drugs, but he’d been a slave to the sa lure I had been thanks to the bond between us. A fated mate was more intoxicating than any street drug. Both of our lives had been derailed on the sa day in the sa mont.
I had just never looked at our first eting with Tyler’s side of things in mind.
"I understand. I blad you because I lost my innocence and life as I knew it on the night I t you. I couldn’t control myself. I was drugged. You couldn’t control yourself either, could you?"
Tyler replied, "No. I didn’t have any choice either. You were a drug and I was addicted the minute I t you."
"Do you regret it? eting ?"
"No. Never. Co back to ."
If I closed my eyes, let myself focus on the words, I could believe Tyler was asking rather than telling , but neither of us were ready for a reunion.
"I will," I promised, "Don’t give up on ."
"Never."
I hung up before I ruined things by saying anything more.
We had a long way to go before we started walking the sa road together again.
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