"...Why didn't you tell him?" Ruyi quietly asked.
Cai looked down, staring at his clasped hands with no particular emotions in his eyes. The gas stove was turned off and the night's silence returned into the kitchen.
"I don't know…"
At so point, the shape of his hands looked blurry to him until he realized that his own eyes were the culprit.
"I think I knew Bro would lt with the news. He has a kind heart. He would forget all the miserable things they put us through…especially him. He was on a mild spectrum, and it was very clear that they didn't like that. They found it too burdenso to care for a child with special attention when all they wanted was to climb the corporate ladder. They completely sidelined him and never cared what he wanted."
He bit his lip. "And now he should all forget how trash they treated him just because…! Why should he? Why should they suddenly have our love and sympathy because Mom is sick? Did they ever care when Bro needed them but they ignored him for their own selfish goals? And now they want their sons to be at their sides. Why? The mont you turn weak is the mont you rember that you have a family!?"
He trembled hard, his tears falling on his knuckles.
"I didn't know what to do…I didn't want to keep this from him, but I knew he would cave in and I didn't want him to. They never bothered eting him even once since the ti he left the house. They never bothered when he was in prison," he chuckled wryly. "I bet Dad would be so disappointed and ashad of him. So…after treating us like we didn't matter to them, why do they expect us to treat them as if they matter to us? They don't! And I…I don't want Bro to forgive them…"
Ruyi felt her eyes tear up. She could understand his anguish and frustration. Being expected to show kindness when they were never kind in the first place would be infuriating for anyone.
She hesitated for a mont but then gently took his hand in hers. Her fingers wrapped around his knuckles firmly.
"You should tell him," she whispered in the calm silence.
Cai said nothing, but the grip in her grasp had trembled slightly.
"Otherwise, you would regret it. Because I know I do."
Her quivering lips exhaled a shaky breath as tears brimd her eyes. "I always wanted to tell you that I…really, really love you and I…had fought with Bro and Dad like crazy. But in the end, I couldn't stand up to them and you walked away. But I had never once thought ill about your brother, but I knew you thought otherwise. You thought that I felt the sa way my family felt about his past. But I really didn't and I couldn't tell you and I regretted it because that made you go even farther from …"
Cai looked at her trembling shoulders and pressed his lips hard.
She looked up, facing him. "I don't want you to make the sa mistake and be filled with guilt in the future. What Bro Lin decides is for him to decide. I know you feel unfair on his behalf and it's also right to feel so. You love him so much. But I think you shouldn't snatch away this decision from him, not when…ti is so limited."
His cheeks ached as he tried to hold in his tears. "Am I evil…for not wanting to forgive them even though Mom is…dying?"
"No, you are not and I am not saying this because this is the answer you want to hear. You and Bro Lin have suffered a lot and it's okay to feel bitter about it. It's not a pleasant feeling, but what's more bitter is to force yourself to let go and forgive. Death feels like a crude way to make you submit to sothing you don't want to do. We suddenly feel that life is so short and why keep holding onto the past when the other person is in a vulnerable state? But…it's easy to say that when you are not standing on this side of the line."
Cai lowered his head, breaking into soft sobs. His forehead bumped against her hand and he cried hard, the last wall in his shattering into pieces. All this ti, he was juggling between hatred and guilt. He was starting to hate himself for being so cruel.
After all, Hou Fa and Hou Luli were their parents. They made so mistakes but was it wise to keep holding on to them - even in the face of Hou Luli's impending death? They acted in a way as they deed fit, so why did acting the way he deed fit feel as if he was a monster? It was a hard place to be at. Carrying the scars of their past and facing the future of the limited ti she had. He struggled with that question for days and months but couldn't arrive at an answer.
Seeing him cry his heart out made Ruyi feel as if a thousand knives were stabbing her at once. She slowly wrapped her hands around his head and gently guided him towards her shoulder. With a sense of resignation and defeat, she felt his shoulders slump. The corner of her sleeve soaked wet, but she didn't mind it.
He withdrew after a long ti and looked at her crumpled sleeve.
"I ruined your dress…" he mumbled.
"Hmm," she touched her chin thoughtfully. Then she smiled. "You can make up for it by feeding so delicious pasta."
He blinked with his teary eyes and burst into a chuckle before he knew it.
"Midnight snacks are not good for your health, sobody told this."
"Sotis it's okay to embrace a bad habit, sobody told this."
"Don't tell this to Bro, okay..." He sweated a bit.
She laughed. "Scaredy cat."
"Hey, you don't know how cold his cold shoulder feels, so you don't get to judge."
He stayed quiet for soti and said, "I will tell Bro tomorrow."
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