200 AMA #Eva laid down in the cargo bay, crates of dry foodstuffs all around and under her. Her EyeCast spun around her slowly, and captured her grief for all to see.
It had only been five or six cycles since she last talked to her grandparents, and just over one full cycle since Mack’s devastating ssage to her.
The pain of their loss was still incredibly fresh to her, and she simply couldn’t stop thinking about the life she had with them. And the life she no longer had with them.
She read Mack’s ssages again and again, and wept openly each ti.
Once she cald down enough, she sent Mack a ping, though he didn’t respond until much later.
–
Eva: how’s granddad doing? Is he doing ok? Lmk, alright?
–
She picked herself up off the crates she was lying on, and hopped down to the floor. She paced around the cargo bay as her thoughts swum chaotically in her mind. Her EyeCast followed her with each step.
.....
Eva looked straight at it, and gave it a weak smile.
“Hey everyone,” she told it. “Another AMA for you. Well, kinda. More like a reverse AMA. Sorry ’bout that. And also, sorry ‘coz you all gotta deal with ranting for a bit, okay?”
As she talked into it, she walked through a cramped Engineering section, and up the ramp to the upper deck.
“I’m sending this out ‘coz I really need your help. I really, really need so questions answered, and I figured – why not ask you all, right? I figure soone’s got the right ones. At least, the ones I need.”
As her EyeCast zood in on her, it beca evident that she had spent a considerable amount of ti in grief. Her eyes were strained and red, while her eyelids were swollen and damp.
“A lot of you probably know that I started all this to help out my grandparents. They were getting up there in age, bills were stacking up, and they needed more and more dical help. These vids and whatnot are the best way I had to make a living for them. And it was all thanks to your help, and your support.
“For a while everything was amazing. I an, it took a while to get where we’re at, but we made it, right? We were finally able to take care of my grandparents, and Raijin’s parents. But I knew deep down it wasn’t gonna last forever.”
She walked past the Suit-Up Room, where their various flightsuits and environntal armor and weapons were in their lockers. Mostly.
Sotis, after a long cycle full of work, they tended to simply toss their suits aside then crumple into their bunks. Sotis, they forgot to clean up after themselves. Like the last place they ca from.
Eva mindlessly picked up all of their discarded flightsuits and hung them up in a sanitization chamber in the corner. As she spoke, she ran it through a quick cleaning cycle.
“I an, no-one lives forever, right? Especially for a couple old nonagenarians. Granddad’s what, 93 or 94 now? And Grandma is... was 91. She lived to 91. Good long while, right? They defo lived it up.
“I rember when I was in High School, I had been living at my gramps’ place for a couple years by that point. My life – seriously – was the shittiest. Never had a lot of friends, and the few that I did... I never felt really welco with them. They always gave off this feeling like they had better shit to do than hang around sotis.”
As the sanitization chamber did its thing and cleaned their suits a bit, she wandered further down the hall towards the Kitchenette. But she didn’t quite make it.
Instead she leaned up just outside its doorway.
“The only tis I felt happy was when I was with my grandparents – either of them. Grandma always had so sort of treat ready for . Pie or cookies or lemonade. Whatever. Grandpa had his books. Whenever I was down, he gave one to read. Well, until I read every book he had, anyway. Then he just gave his library card and told to go to town.”
She laughed lightly as she recalled a few precious mories.
“I wish you guys could see his office library. It’s just so cool. That sll of books just kinda overpowered everything else in there... I rember him being behind his desk a lot of the ti, doing whatever work he needed to do. I assud it was always taxes.
“Anyway, the two of them were always the best to . They were always there for , especially when I was at my lowest, when I needed support the most. They gave it, unconditionally. And now... Grandma’s gone. Like, gone gone. And Grandpa... he’s about to leave, too. I get it’s their ti. What kills is that I can’t be there for them the sa way they were for ...”
Eva burst into tears as all her other mories ca piling in at the sa ti. They collided with the reality of her situation and threatened to undo her.
“They’re all so damn far away, and I can’t even do sothing as simple as hold them. I can’t tell them with my own damned breath that I love them. I should’ve been by Grandma’s side when she passed, and I should be by my Grandpa’s side now that’s he’s... while he...”
She slid down to the floor and curled up there, with her arms around her legs as she wept into her knees.
Tears coursed down her cheeks as her deepest regrets ate away at her. The pain of loss combined with her guilt and helplessness struck her over and over.
She felt like her insides were being gutted out by so invisible, alien force.
After a while, she wiped off her tears, picked herself up, and dragged herself into the Kitchenette. She sighed deeply and regulated her own breathing consciously, as she deliberately shed her own grief and misery.
“All of this has made realize a few things about my new life. Yeah, it has been the most transformative thing that’s ever happened to . I am 100% better than I used to be. I’m a person who I’ve always wanted to be.
“All that shit about potential and dreams coming true, about lives filled with possibility and power and wealth and recognition and influence... I get it now. I really do. But it all ca at a cost. I guess it always does. And I thought I ca to terms with that a while ago... But I guess not so much.”
Eva reached into one of the storage bins and pulled out a alBar. Nothing too fancy – just simple tasteless rations for the discerning pilot. She opened it up and munched on it absentmindedly.
Not that she needed it in the first place, but she had this overwhelming need to move, to act, to do sothing. Subconsciously, she was in dire need of a pint of ice cream, a blanket, and a sad as fuck movie.
And as she spoke, her EyeCast kept on spinning around her. It revealed the Kitchenette all around her.
More than half of the Kitchenette’s appliances had been replaced by Amal’s dical refinent machines and Miko’s materials recycler and object reprinter. The entire place itself was littered with chemicals, drugs, machine parts, tools, and all sorts of half-built devices.
There was an open crate half-filled with Amal’s ultrafentanyl, hundreds of thousands of credits worth, just kind of... sitting there.
Not to ntion Max’s personal items, all tucked away neatly in the Kitchenette’s booth/makeshift bed.
Eva eyed one of Amal’s vials of concentrated ultrafentanyl as she took another bite of her alBar, but shook her attention away.
“I get now just how serious I paid a price for this life. For this body, and this mind, and this heart. For all these opportunities and credits and coins. It isn’t just losing my grandparents. It’s costing everything that matters, now and forever. Every single one of us is paying that price.
“I’ve co to realize that immortality isn’t the aweso ga changer you might think it is. I an, it’s great, yeah – can learn anything I want, do anything I want, see everything, experience everything. Anything, everything, any ti, any place. Maybe one day I could transform into a being of pure energy and roam the galaxy like that...”
Completely unsatisfied by her alBar, she pocketed it and headed straight out of the Kitchenette. Instead, she went into the bridge, and looked at each and every seat inside.
“The truth is that immortality’s a curse. It’s an eternity filled with loss and regret. Anyone and everyone who ans anything to you will die. Not just them, but their children, and their children’s children. You get to see entire clans you love rise and fall and fade away. One day, this mountain is gonna be ground down, and all the people who lived in it just so footnote in so record sowhere.
“I just can’t shake it – I know I’m gonna see people who I care about die. Mack and Max and Claire. They’ll be gone at so point. Just dust and fading mories.”
She sighed and plopped down in the pilot’s seat. With deft movents, she flicked on all of her MFDs, and set them all to a 360 degree view of the outside of the ship.
Ice and snow all around.
“What’s that thing Einstein said? ‘Insanity is doing sothing over and over and expecting different results?’ It’s kinda true here. I feel like insanity is experiencing loss over and over again and expecting your heart not to break each ti.
“So you’re probably thinking by now ‘What the fuck? What the hell’s your question?’ I’ve got a few, so bear with . It’s these: What’s the point of it all? If it all ends in loss no matter what I gain, then isn’t this insanity? Am I prepared for an eternity of insanity? Why do all of this? Why keep going? Why not just stop, go out with a bang? Answer that!’
Eva exhaled with deep exasperation and buried her head in her hands. Her tears began to well up again as her thoughts turned towards her grandparents, her losses, her gains, her impossible future.
Her EyeCast ca in a little closer, and caught her existential despair for all to see. It stayed there for a minute or so and absorbed so of her pain.
Then she got a notification in her DI. It chid in her head, and swept all her questions away. At least, montarily.
–
Miko: Help! Crazy space zombies in the entire settlent! Possible space vampire controlling them! Not a joke – co quickly! Co ard!
–
She was imdiately alard by Miko’s ssage, and replied over and over. But received no response in return.
Eva quickly stood up, wiped the tears from her eyes, and ran out to help her family.
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