My body moved before my mind could process, and in seconds, I'd leapt down the steps of the apothecary and positioned myself in front of her, shielding her from any threat.
Our threat ca in the form of possessed soldiers. And no small number. There were five, each with glowing eyes and mouths that lent a ghastly visage, one out in front of the others, sword out, approaching Lillian before I'd stepped between them.
Their uniforms strumd an odd chord in my mind. Sothing I should have rembered, but couldn't.
"Unexpected guests?" I asked, feeling a frigid chill as Lillian huddled behind .
"They're trying to hurt ," she hissed, terrified.
The possessed soldier at the front raised his sword, glinting steel pointed directly at Lillian. "The soul ans to escape its cycle. This is forbidden."
"Oh," I responded, keeping careful watch on the soldier. Other than the one in front, the other four were oddly passive. Nothing like the way bandits aggressively positioned, looking for any opportunity to stick a blade through. Their weapons were drawn, two bows among them raised and pointed, but the posture among the lee fighters was decidedly defensive.
"Draw your blade. Draw it. They could attack at any mont!" Lillian urged.
I appraised the group again. "Why? They haven't advanced. Our friends seem more wary of us than we are of them."
"At least put the tea down," Lillian hissed.
Stupidly, I looked down and realized that in my haste, I'd brought the cup with . It seed a sha to throw away sothing so pleasant and familiar, so I brought it to my lips instead, intending to drain it.
"Don't... drink... that," one of the possessed guardsn croaked.
I removed the cup from my lips. For a brief mont I considered doing the opposite, more out of petty defiance than anything else, before tossing the cup to the side where it shattered on the stone. "And why have I wasted my tea?"
The guardsman remained silent.
"Give her to us," the guard on point repeated.
The cold, rational part of my mind returned first. "They're convinced you did sothing wrong. You didn't?"
"Nothing other than wake up and follow you ho," Lillian answered in a panic. I could feel her nails pressing into the fabric of my tabard, digging into my skin.
"What is it you expect to do? They clearly outnumber us. I have a single sword to their three, and they have arrows to spare," I carried on, feeling cold and artificial.
"Cairn... please," Lillian begged, sobbing into my back. "The connection. My missing piece. It's real. Whatever lies you choose to tell yourself, you feel it too. You have to feel it. Whatever their reason, the gods spoke our fate into being."
"Stop," I murmured.
"I love you." Her voice was hot in my ear. "I love you more than anyone ever has. More than anyone ever could. You were lost before. I gave you reason to grow, to be better, to be so much more than the nothing you were. My love, my consideration, my empathy, is the only reason you survived your mother's passing. My mory is the only reason you haven't succumbed to despair, countless tis over. You lived for , breathed for , died for , again, and again, and again, and again and again and again all while you popped my cork like a cheap wine and drank your fill and dumped the rest for the dogs to lap up. You're nothing without . My mory. You spent my life like it was never mine to begin with, claiming all the while I was safe, I was protected, that the monsters lurking in your ho had no interest in matters as petty as the future queen and, gods, what a feckless bitch I was to believe you, and you, you let them drag away—"
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"I tried to stop them," I responded reflexively, unable to hold the silence.
"Oh, but you try a lot, don't you? You try, and you try, and it never seems to make that much of a difference but that's okay, you can tell everyone who's suffered through your failures that you tried."
I cringed.
"Sohow, subverting all expectation, you made sothing of yourself, a new life, new friends, new muse, and to my utter shock, it worked. The infernals certainly fell for the hero act. Your subjects don't quite know what to think of you yet, mixed opinions, but that's better than you ever did before. Yet here you are, refusing to lift a finger to save because there's no space left for the only person who gave a shit about you when no one else cared."
"Enough," I snapped, breaking her tirade and peeling her fingers off of . "Twist the dagger all you want. You aren't saying anything I haven't already thought of."
"So. It's self-pity then," she seethed.
I shook my head, took several long strides away from her and turned, putting my back to the possessed soldiers. "Growing up with a head full of tales led to higher expectations of the world around . Sure, I believed there were heroes. Believed I could be one. It's not so uncommon. Along the way I picked up other tripe. Like justice, good and evil. None of it useful."
"So there's no hope. No morality," Lillian blinked, mouth twisted in disdain.
"There's evil." I thought of my father's many atrocities. The demons, and how their entire existence predicated preying on the weak. Of Thoth. "And there's good people." Too many to list. Cephur, Nethtari, Maya, my sisters, even Lillian herself. The real Lillian, not the creature I spoke to. "I'd even argue that there are heroes. Not the grandiose, ridiculous depictions we were raised to worship, nonetheless they exist. People exaggerate. It's our nature."
"So. You're not a hero."
"Gods no." I smiled through the agony in my chest. "Even if this was real, and we enlisted, paid, and bribed anyone who could possibly help. Tied your soul to a flesh golem with a neat little bow. It wouldn't matter. I can't save you. I can't save anyone. Not in any aningful way. Because Thoth exists. And until she's gone, no one is safe. No matter how hard I try."
"Another reason to wallow. You never cared for . A person who truly cared could never walk away so easily," her fists shook at her side.
As unwise as it was, I couldn't help but reach out. My arm raised unbidden as I touched her face for the last ti. "Easily? Not even close. Gods, Lillian, I've mourned you for so long. Threw my kingdom away like spoiled goods to spite the man who ordered your death. Struck blindly in my fury and bitterness, mindless of everyone else who suffered the price. I've grown up enough to see how cruel and immature it was."
"How quaint, that my misfortune serves your self-realization."
I shook my head. "I'll always appreciate everything you did. Letting share your life. Showing what love was, and how it felt to be loved—" My eyes watered, and I blinked to clear them. "I'll care for your father like kin. Save the Kingdom and the world with it. Slay Thoth. But none of that is possible if I keep hating myself for what happened to you. There are people still living who depend on ."
"I depended on you."
"Isn't it ti? To let this go and move on?"
"While you went gallivanting on adventures, I died screaming," she spat, all venom, the mask entirely off.
Sothing inside went cold. "Oh, that trespass will be returned. Sevenfold."
"You can't." There was sothing strange in her dark eyes. A secret. "Even if you live a hundred years and forget everything that happened between us, you'll never be free of ."
"Maybe." I half-shrugged, feeling more numb than anything else. "Grief isn't linear. You don't just wake up one day and find the regrets gone. It moves in cycles. But letting it control you only leads to more sorrow. I can't let mine sway anymore." I walked so distance away, clearing the line of fire.
"You absolute bastard. I wish I could be here to see the look on your face, when you finally realize what's coming," she shouted after .
"More empty words from the wretch talking out of a dead girl's mouth."
I looked to the possessed guards, raised my hand, and gave the signal.
Lillian smiled and closed her eyes, as the guards raised their bows and prepared to fire. "You never stopped maligning the king. Waxing poetic over every trespass and sin. Yet here you are. His very image. In more ways than one."
The possessed guards fired.
Everything went black.
/////
Thwip
The stench of sewer overwheld my senses. The distant glow of torches ca into view, but I couldn't move. Sothing constrained , binding my arms and legs tightly.
As more arrows hit their target, the lithid's grasp slackened enough that I managed to draw my sword, ignite it, illuminating the dingy passage with violet light.
There was enough light to make out Lillian’s visage, swimming in the formless, oily mass.
You’d never hurt , right?
I plunged the sword ho.
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