The silhouette started at my call, scaring the absolute hells out of . Cairn? Dammit. Just a minute. I could barely make out her fra in the shadow, hands wiping furiously at her face.
Shes fine. But what was she doing, standing alone by herself in the dark?
Heart still hamring in my throat, I silently cursed Vogrin and Kilvius both. With all the talk of monsters and abductions, they had jumping at shadows, presuming the worst every ti a nonhuman I cared about left my sight.
Can we co in?
We? Maya squawked. What the hells?
Sera peeked around the corner, tilting her head back vehently. Out of ti. Patrols headed this way.
In a bit of a bind, Maya, I pressed, looking between Sera and the door.
Maya unleashed a torrent of guttural profanity and ushered us in. I helped Alten guide the drephin womans body through the door, and Sera squeezed in last. Maya slamd the door behind us, still swearing. SeraI heard her more than saw herstumbled her way to the center of the room beneath the unlit chandelier, raising an arm. She snapped her fingers and a small orb of fla appeared, perilously bright, zipping towards the many candles.
Wait! Maya cried.
Light from the chandelier flooded the room, overwhelmingly bright.
I squinted, eyes adjusting slowly. Sera took a step away, visibly unsettled. Maya had her back to . But even that was enough to take my breath away. White scar tissue carved cruel and jagged lines across her upper back and shoulders, criss-crossed patterns and odd splotches.
Holy shit, Sera said, jaw working slowly.
Mayas hands balled into fists. I still couldnt see her face. Barely visible above the line of her sleep clothes, there were deep in-set gouges across her shoulder blades larger than the rest. I realized they must have been where shed fastened her wings, during her descent into the sanctum.
This was how she looked without the glamour.
The tension was almost palpable as she stepped forward, directly into Seras space. Sothing to say, Princess? After you barge into my quarters uninvited?
Shockingly, Sera backed down, averting her gaze. Ino. Apologies for disturbing you so late at night, emissary.
Mayas shoulders sank, and the fight went out of her. Slowly, she turned around and faced . A long gash ran diagonally from her eyebrow to her jaw. The skin around her eyes was puffy and a darker shade of purple, as if shed been crying. She gave a helpless shrug that seed to say, I told you. Then her eyes trailed down to the drephin at our feet. Payback, for what happened on the road?
Not exactly. As I brought her up to speed, leaving out any ntion of Kilvius for now, I couldnt shake the feeling of wrongness, as if we were trespassing on sothing personal. Both Sera and Alten seed profoundly uncomfortable, and Sera kept eyeing the door.
Of course. Once she had a grasp of the situation, Maya nodded and crouched over the drephin. Her fingertips glowed green as she pressed them to the womans forehead. Almost imdiately, the elfs breathing steadied. Theres plenty of unused space in my closet. Ill do what I can for the head injury and monitor her.
Shes a slippery one, Alten warned as he and Sera maneuvered the drephin into the space Maya designated. Nearly got away from both of us.
Sure you can keep her contained? Sera asked, wiping her hands on her trousers.
Shouldnt be difficult, Maya said, utterly unfazed. My intention is to keep her in an induced coma, but should her mind manage to free itself, I made so temporary adjustnts to her spinal column. Should our intruder regain consciousness, shes paralyzed from the neck down.
Thatll do it, Alten said grimly.
Sera shivered.
From her deanor to her precise wording, Maya was doing an excellent job of appearing composed. But from the way she held her hands behind her back, and the frantic motions of her tail, I knew the intrusion and exposure of her disfigurent was wearing on her.
Its late. Lets pick this back up in the morning. Ill help Maya with the drephin and et you back at the rooms, I told Alten. For a mont, it seed as if he might argue. I wouldnt bla him if he did, considering the night wed had. Itll be alright, my friend. Were unlikely to see assassins twice in one night.
Alten hesitated and eventually nodded, leaving first.
Im not going to wake up tomorrow and find youve gone to the dungeons without ? Sera asked, her tone dangerous.
Yes. As we agreed.
My elder sister backed away with a smirk, and let herself out the door. As unfortunate as the timing of her intrusion was, I found myself grateful the distance between us had been closed so quickly. For now, at least, she was an unexpected ally. But it wasnt the first ti Id felt that way. I touched my stomach, where shed stabbed in my last life, grimacing. Sera could turn at the slightest provocation. I needed to be ready for it, if she did.
Is that going to be a problem? Maya asked. She hadnt moved since the others left, and even her breathing was shallow.
Only ti will tell.
Surprised she didnt turn you in.
Sa, I said, feeling distinctly as if I was talking around the bigger issue. Probably no malicious intent there. At least, not yet. Seras always looking for a way to prove herself, and for the mont at least, I handed her a big one.
Ah yes, the disappearing nonhumans. I noticed you coyly sidestepped explaining your source.
I shook my head. Look, Im breaking trust by telling you this, but considering our joint resolution to be more honest with each other, theres not much of a choice. Kilvius is in Whitefall. Heading up a syndicate group for Persephone.
Lord below. Mayas mouth tightened. Give the woman an inch and she takes a city.
Pretty much, I said, noticing her negligible reaction to Kilviuss presence. You already knew?
Not for certain. Maya bit her lip. But I thought I spotted him the other day during the return procession. So brief it was impossible to say for sure.
Hes angry with .
Hes angry at everyone. You for bringing Thoth to our doorstep, Ralakos for enabling you and sponsoring your entry into the sanctum, for refusing to stick my head in the ground and live out my life in feigned ignorance, and mother for abandoning him with Agarin.
Damn.
Mayas mouth turned downward, and she crossed her arms. Kilvius can preach all he likes. But mother was barely in the sanctum for half a year before he went running back to that half-blood bitch.
Elphion, Maya, I groaned. Hes your father. And he treated well. Better than I deserved.
Just because your relationship with your father is suddenly copacetic doesnt entitle you to speak on mine, Maya snapped.
I bit back a sharp response, swallowing. It felt like she was intentionally pushing this into an argunt and I didnt understand why. The image of her pressed against the wall returned to my mind. Shed been in here alone, with the lights off, crying.
Hard night? I asked.
Yeah, Maya breathed. There was already a lot on my mind before you waltzed in and found like she made a wide gesture that encompassed herself, lip curling in disgust. This.
I perford a completely over the top bow. And like magic, here I am for your venting pleasure.
Maya giggled. Then sat down on the bed, humor fading from her expression. Rember when we had less to worry about?
I sat next to her, trying to keep the mood light. When was that? The power struggle with a revenant and demon moose in the basent? Or when we spent nights laying awake, terrified that Guemon would get his way and have executed. Or when we were tracking Thoth through the sanctum? Actually, now that I think about it, that last one was kind of refreshing. A change of pace, you know?
Yes, fine, its never been easy. Maya rolled her eyes, silhouette of wide irises beneath the whites doing a dramatic circle. But the stakes are so much higher now. And those evenings on Barions rooftop, sharing warmth, getting to know a person I never expected to share any commonalities with, let alone as much as we didI miss those nights. Sotis I still dream of them. Maybe thats nave.
Its not, I said.
All at once, I rembered all the tis I felt hosick in the enclave, and the way Maya had always been there for . Sotis by saying nothing: her simply being there was enough. And I was overco with a desire to do sothing for her. Anything.
An idea struck. I stood and offered her my hand. Co on.
Where are we going? Maya raised an eyebrow.
Trust , I teased. Its a surprise.
My spirits sank as my friend pulled her arm back as if shed been burned. A canopy of hair hid her face as she gazed down at her knees. I want to ask sothing. But to do so would be slanted and perhaps a little cruel. Because I recently told you it wasnt your fault, and I truly believe that. My choices were my own. Yet, I know that no matter what I say, you must feel so responsibility. Because I understand the way you think, the way your mind works.
She was talking about her ti in the sanctum, after I was gone. I swallowed. Ask anything you want. Im an open book.
Maya smiled, the expression brittle. You were an open book to in the sanctum, too. Yet, when you died, and were so insistent that youd reached the end of your ingenuity, that there was no plan, I believed you. And when you died, I was convinced that your power had failed. It was going to happen, eventually. Magic has limits.
While she hadnt been privy to my conversation with the Black Beast, Maya was more correct than she realized. The deityor divine being, or whatever he wasmade it abundantly clear that my power was anything but infinite.
It was wrong. I knew it then, and I know it now. I just couldnt find a better way.
Maya shook her head. Im not looking for an apology, or expecting you to justify yourself. Hells, I think I understand it right now better than I ever have. But it has been unsettling to accept the reality that if you lied to again, theres a good chance I wouldnt know it.
Whatever this was, with the way she was circling around it, afraid to give it voice, it was obviously important to her. I lowered myself to her eye-level. As much as I wish I could promise to never lie to you again, that in and of itself would be a falsehood. Sotis we lie by reflex. And there are rare monts in life where voicing the unfiltered truth is truly cruel.
Maya nodded, and a shiver went through her. Fair enough, she whispered.
That being said, I sighed, youre one of the wisest people I know. And I owe you more than I could ever possibly repay. So if theres sothing rattling around in your head, sothing important that cannot go unansweredlike whatever youre dancing around nowall you need to do is tell , then ask. On my mothers life, Ill answer with truth. Even if it hurts you, or , or both of us.
Truly? Youd give that power over you?
I nodded. Only you.
Mayas head tilted further downward until her entire face hid in shadow. Sera and Alten. Did you see the way they looked at ? Or rather, the way they didnt.
Yes.
She wiped at her face. Its the usual reaction. Though better than the weeping and pity from my parents, its just difficult for everyone else. To see what Ive done to myself. Ralakos helped understand that its the way most folk are raised. You see soone with a disfigurent, or a missing limb, or a prominent birthmark, and its simple manners not to stare. Just in my case, theresumnot a lot of other places to look. So they look away. I more or less learned to take it in stride before the glamour. Accept it as a cost for advancent. Perhaps there was an elent of despair, maybe even an aspect of self-harm, but its impossible to argue that I did not grow exponentially as a mage and a warrior. Im still not sure if it was worth the price I paid. And Ill probably never be able to say for sure, with any certainty.
I sat down beside her and rubbed her shoulder. My first instinct is to say if it helps you survive, its worth it. But I cant speak to the burden it places on you, the way it affects you individually. Thats sothing I cant answer.
When the light turned on, I kept waiting for it. For you to grow uncomfortable and look away. Just like everyone else. Mayas voice broke. But you never did. And that should make feel better. Happy, even. But I cant help but wonder if youre just concealing your reaction, because you care for and bla yourself. I know its stupid, but I need to know. Am I repulsive to you?
She started to co apart at the seams as soon as the question was spoken. I pulled Maya to , and let her bury her face in my neck as she cried. My chest ached. I couldnt shake the feeling that sothing else had happened that contributed to the breakdown. But I hadnt seen her this emotionally vulnerable since the early days, and the last thing I wanted was to rush to give her an answer she didnt believe, only for her to close herself off again.
Once her sobs subsided, I rose from the bed and brought back two full goblets filled nearly to the brim with fragrant wine, handing one to her. Figure we could probably use a drink for this.
Oh, yes. Maya guzzled hers greedily, and I hid a smile as she lowered it, her eyes glazing over.
I sipped at mine, swirling the goblet and letting the floral notes distract as I thought through everything Maya had said. So, the truth. I cocked my head. I think, if you were a completely featureless gelatinous cube, it wouldnt change the way I feel. We have so much history, have shared so many close calls, hardships, and triumphs, and connected so deeply I cant imagine a world where I dont love you the way I do.
Maya looked away, hurt creeping into her expression.
But I know thats not really what youre asking, I said, tucking a leg beneath and readjusting to face her. The hurt faded from her expression as she cautiously listened. So lets turn this into a hypothetical. Say we lived in a better, kinder universe where Thoth and Barion didnt exist. Its a few years from now, and Im on my way back from so diplomatic effort or treatise signing, and stopped by Kholis to rest and recoup. After being on the road for weeks and sharing similar proclivities to my current universe counterpart, Id be hunting for a tavern. Naturally, Id sit at the bar. And after a few minutes, you walked in. As you are now, without the glamour.
I could imagine it easily, Maya grabbing a table in the back, scars and hard edges on full display.
I stared into the endless burgundy of my wine. This is where our little hypothetical gets less fun because Im charged with being completely honest. Thats what you want, yes?
Yes, Maya affird quietly.
I ripped the bandage off. Your scars would draw my eye first. Not because I found them revolting, or because they made think less of you. But they say for every scar, theres a story. So my natural assumption would be that you had more than your share of stories.
Maya made a small noise that could have either been a stilted laugh or a sob. Youd dog the sa way you dogged the rangers as a child.
I snorted. Not exactly. But Id be curious. Id start out by sending you a drink. Then another. And if it did not clearly displease you to receive them, Id try to join you.
And of course, Id be delighted by the idea of a drunken human noble swaggering over, asking for stories about my scars, Maya said, not bothering to hide the sarcasm.
I shook my head. You misunderstand. The scars themselves would hold little interest to a cuts a cut, and a burns a burnWhat would hold my interest is hearing about the life youd lived. Because clearly, it hadnt been an easy one.
Pity, then?
No. Its I leaned back, frustrated with my inability to voice the unorganized thoughts flying around my head. As an emissary, youve seen it for yourself. For all our knowledge, all our sophistication, there is no creature in Uskar more boring than the average noble. With a minor exemption extended to those who had their nobility granted for great deeds. For the most part, we hold power because our parents hold power. Were wealthy because our parents are wealthy. Even those of us who dont end up as spoiled shits typically accomplish little beyond carrying forth the family lineage. Everything is handed to us. Our continued existence is all but a forgone conclusion. I drained my wine to almost nothing. Now contrast all that with the mysterious, scarred infernal sitting alone at the corner table. Shes clearly been through all seven hells. Its doubtful, all things considered, that anythings been handed to her. Yet she survives and pushes on. Of course shed catch my interest. Of course Id want to know more about her.
Maya hid a smile, sliding a finger across the circular rim of her goblet. Not to keep referencing your mories, but I had often wondered why youd continually turned down so many noble prospects. Beautiful as they were.
Rebellion and lack of interest, probably. There was nothing surprising about them, and there were tis I was committed enough to hating my father that Id have rejected the best match in the world simply to stoke his ire. I couldnt help but chuckle at myself. How angry Id been even before Lillian, with so little reason for it. I set the goblet aside and focused the entirety of my attention on Maya. As the night went on, Id see past the scars. Discover the warm kindness of your smile. The gentle ring of your laughter, and the way it explodes from you, as if you were trying to hold it back and finally let it loose. The soft swell of your lips, and gentle curve of your neck. And My gaze wandered for just a second, before I reined it in. Lets just say Id be thoroughly captivated.
By what? Maya asked, leaning forward. Her breathing hitched, and the corners of her mouth turned up with a smile.
I tipped my goblet, only belatedly rembering that Id already finished its contents. Abusing your power already, I see.
She laughed and leaned back on her palms, blushing. Fine. Fine. I was only teasing. Lord below knows you had it coming.
What? I stared at her and scoffed. Baring my soul over here and youre tornting .
Maya moved close enough that I could feel her breath on my collarbone, looking at with an intensity that easily frayed my nerves. Tornt? Like the way you strung along a certain innocent infernal smitten with you for years with constant mixed signals, until it took a literal act of god to uncover how you feel, at which point you kissed her, only to subsequently fake your own demise and disappear? That sort of tornt?
I squird. Leaving out a lot of context, but ultimately fair. And for what its worth, Im sorry. Its not like there was a handbook. I had the mind and body of a child with the mories of an adult. It was confusing enough to navigate. And it took a long ti to realize that I was idealizing what Lillian and I had. That it was deeply flawed, long before he interfered.
At the ntion of Lillian, Maya sat back, a shadow crossing her face.
Sorry, I said reflexively.
No. I know what she ant to you. And how deeply Infariss ddling must have cut, Maya said. She pulled her knees to her chest and hugged them. In many ways, Lillians mory is a reminder of the fragility of the connections we form. Im still mad at you. And a small part of might always be angry. But every ti I look inside and try to justify that anger as an excuse for pushing you away, that mory pops into my head. All I can think about is the sharpness of the blade we balance on. How easily it could all just fade away. And in those monts, I realize the truth.
Which is? I asked, not daring to hope.
Maya took my hand. Even if its hard. Even if it causes us more pain down the line than remaining separate. I have waited long enough. And I dont want to wait anymore.
I nodded, barely able to keep up. Then we take it slow. You were my first friend in this life. And you continue to be my greatest ally. I dont want to do anything to jeopardize what we have.
But not too slow. Maya drained the rest of her goblet, giving a look I can only describe as a smolder. I stamred the beginning of a response, and she talked over , eyes going to the rolled up bearskin. You were going to take sowhere?
***
The brisk breeze of daybreak tore at my heels as I stepped out from the astronomy tower window, balancing carefully on the span-wide beam that ran the length of the eastern rooftop. I checked thoroughly for frost, difficult to detect on the beams chestnut stain, and held one hand out, carefully counter balancing the bearskin held beneath the other.
Is this really a good idea? Maya called after . When I looked back, she was clinging to the window fra, her eyes were as wide as saucers.
Thing is, with you having my mories and all? Cant fall back on my usual tricks. Which ans Im gonna have to get creative, I called back to her with a grin. Co on, this is way easier than getting out of the sepulcher.
That was a necessary risk! This feels very unnecessary!
Well, this was already saccharine. No harm in laying it on a little more.
I held out a hand. Do you trust ?
Maya scowled at , then ducked back inside the window.
Okay. Clearly a no
Maya reappeared, planting a booted foot on the bottom of the fra and leaping from the window to the wider, flatter roof on the other side, clearing the gap and sticking the landing with a quick hop as she regained her footing, looking back at with a shit-eating grin.
Werent you just whinging about gratuitous risks? I grumbled.
I was not whinging. Nor was I whining. Maya thought for a mont. Simply providing comntary on your tendency towards reckless excess.
They really beat politics into you, huh?
Rude!
She put her hands on her hips in mock sternness as I passed her. How much further?
What do you an? I spread the bearskin over my shoulders and gestured behind her. Were here.
Maya turned and breathed out quietly.
Whitefall unfurled beneath us like a river of architecture. The diverse constructions rose from the streets coursing downward with a serene grace, weaving a current of stone and frost. As the sun ascended, its gold spilled over the city walls in a languid cascade of light and dark, shifting with slow and deliberate rhythm, as the capital roused and greeted the dawn. Small mounds of wind-swept snow dotted the streets, bestowing a placid serenity, transforming the frostbitten city into a shimring, peaceful ocean of eternal winter.
She turned back towards , and I was delighted to see the dazed, slack expression.
Thought youd see this coming once we started climbing the astronomy tower. I said, sliding down the gable and gesturing for her to join beneath the bearskin. Maya held the comforter up to her neck and slid closer until her shoulders touched mine. Not as magical as the Everwood, I know.
Maya shifted her head back and forth, noncommittally. Fewer bugs.
Considerably.
She was silent for a long ti. So long I began to wonder if sothing was wrong. When she spoke, her voice was barely a whisper. Have you given any thought to the state of your soul, nilend?
Maya was referring, of course, to the deal Id made. Leveraging my soul for the support of a demonic legion. While Id done initial study on the topic, it felt presumptive to put real ti into the problem. It wouldnt be relevant until I survived this power-struggle with Thoth, and Ragnarok after her. Probably less than I should.
Youll need to do so. It was more a statent than a question. For my sake, if not yours.
Thats asking a lot. I leaned my head against the gable. The truth was, I wasnt sure Id have it in , once it was all said and done. I was tired. Had been for a while. To the point where, in monts of relative peacethis last week as a pri exampleI couldnt seem to relax anymore. Every ti I turned a corner, crested a hill, I half-expected Thoth to be there. And every ti she wasnt, instead of feeling better, I worried what she was doing in her absence.
She will not always hold the axe over our head, nilend. Once she is scattered to the winds, you have a whole life to live, Maya said, as if shed read my mind.
Well figure it out, I said.
And for the first ti, I believed we would.
Maya and I talked well into the morning about nothing in particular, enjoying the utter absence of distance and barriers that had prevailed since my return. And for a mont that was as infinite as it was fleeting, my fear of the future faded away.
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