It was then, waking up in Unais quarters, that I realized the horrible truth: that I did not matter. None of us did. In the conflict that follows you, one small persons desire to do good is aningless. It may be wiped away without warning or recourse.
I cried. It wasnt the first ti, or the last, but I cried then because I realized that I had never left the cotton mill floor. I was still the sa battered child, scavenging for discarded bits while the machines did their uncaring work around . If I grew, it was to find a larger machine - and there would ALWAYS be a larger machine.
Yet n still have their will. The machine may deny the weight of choice, but it may not deny choice itself; one avenue always remains open. We may stand, heedless of the rushing tal, and throw ourselves upon its gears.
You may hate for what follows; its a sentint that I can sympathize with. But I learned over long years that one panicking child will knock others into the machinery; he is a danger to all those around him, including the children who would have otherwise been safe. The machine is immutable. The hazard we may grasp is the child who still believes, sowhere in an animal recess of his mind, that he might break free if he could only rise to his feet.
So I will go to those n who cannot bear a life on their knees, and show them their way forward.
- Annals of the Seventeenth Star, 693.
You sure that I cant talk you into it? Michael asked, leaning back in his chair.
Vernon smiled and shook his head. There are better n for the job, he said. Even if what you need is an auditor. I was only ever in the resistance as a quirk of circumstance. The work never stops - but it changes, and for it has changed for the better.
I probably could ask any number of ndiko auditors along, Michael conceded. But I wasnt asking after an auditor, I was asking you.
Alas, I am a boring governnt official now, Vernon sighed. I take my lunches precisely at mid-day and only see people if they bother to register an appointnt first. A sad, broken, shell of a man. He gave Michael a sly grin, then toasted him with his cup of tea. Its rather wonderful.
Michael laughed. Ah, well, he said. At least our paths crossed this much. Ive missed our talks in the ss. We havent sat down for lunch since- His smile faded. Not for a while.
Better atmosphere than on the airship, Vernon said, taking a bite of the egg tart in front of him. And much better food. I like Is. I can survive in the roughs, sleeping under trees and in abandoned barns, but this is where I want to be. Surrounded by the voices of people, whispering, planning, living. Concerts, dinner parties. I bought another cello, I play with a quartet on Risdays. He smiled, then shrugged. We all build our paradise. Mine is here.
It does sound wonderful, Michael agreed. Although Im surprised to hear you na the voices you hear as a comfort. What I feel from the city is - better than it was, certainly, but not relaxed or relaxing.
Ah, but thats what they feel, Vernon said. The fear, the uncertainty. I know thats there, of course. I feel it too, and I hear shades of it every ti soone greets the postman. Every ti they receive a telegraph, every ti they et soone coming back from abroad. Theyre all afraid that this little ember of peace wont catch, and that things will go back to how they were. He shrugged, grinning slyly. But thats not what they say. When they speak its of happiness, and hope, and dreams of the future, because thats what they want to show their neighbors. Their children. Thats what I love listening to.
Michael nodded. I hope theyre right, he said. But I fear the peace is due for its first test before long. Even if we keep Ardalt from starting the war in Ghar - thats a delay, not a victory. It will appear sowhere else, again and again.
Its true, Vernon said, his mouth half-full. Its only ever a delay. But delay long enough, and youll find that its worthwhile. A generation of young Daressans may grow without the shade of terror looming over them. We may have the ti to rember what it is to be ourselves. When war does co again - when, not if - we may find that the pleasant lies were telling each other have beco a truth worth defending.
Michael chewed his own tart contemplatively. I hope youre right, he said. I cant help but feel its all spiraling out of control. Luc used to warn that the world would push back against at every turn, and now I fear that hes ensuring the truth of those words. I tried in Ardalt, Vernon. I really did, but nothing changed the outco. n died - Unai died, and I couldnt tell you for what. Everyone did what they wanted to do regardless. They chose fear, desire, pride - they chose Luc, in the end, because he told them they could have what they wanted.
Not everyone, Vernon noted. You gave so people a path clear of the chaos.
Ricard, Helene, Vera, Michael said glumly. Three lives from how many?
Vernon pursed his lips, tracing a finger around the lip of his glass. How many lives would have made it worthwhile? he asked.
Fair. Michael pulled a face, then shook his head. I still feel like I havent truly grasped the enormity of it.
Vernon gave him a questioning look. Of this new war? he asked.
Michael shook his head. Of what Luc plans to do. Its not war, its - hes going to kill them all, Vernon. Hes already decided. Every Ardan he can reach. Its why he doesnt care about the danger Stellar poses, why hes justified pushing them towards war - because there is nothing of value to lose, in his mind.
Youre right, Vernon admitted. The mind slides off of it. Its too big. Inhuman. He picked up his tea and took a sip. So I dont see why one man alone could be expected to bear much responsibility for it.
Luc doesnt bear responsibility? Michael asked.
Vernon snorted. So. But its not as though he made your father listen to him, or any of the other Assemblyn grasping after profit and glory. They are all marching arm-in-arm, together, and all with the intent to heap misery on others for their own satisfaction. That the misery should find them as well is - not unjust.
Michael gave him an incredulous look, leaning back in his chair. You think they deserve to die? he asked.
I think they had the option to take another path, thanks to you, Vernon said. And they didnt. Theres a limit to persuasion; past a certain point its compulsion. It becos-
Violence, Michael sighed, reaching up to pinch the bridge of his nose. Shit.
Vernon reached across the table and took the last bite of Michaels tart. Sorry about the apparent realization, he said. Entirely unintentional. Insight is one of those habits they discourage in governnt, but one I just cant seem to break.
Michael gave him a flat look. Youre insufferable, he said, stretching and rising from his chair. Thank you, though. I had been moping a bit, or avoiding moping - it tends to feel the sa.
Ill take the credit, so long as it helps you clear your head. Vernon stood to face Michael, then reached out to clasp Michaels hand. I want both of you back, safe and healthy. You deserve to see what we make here.
His eyebrows went up as Michael pulled his arm, wrapping the auditor in a hug. Thank you, Michael said, releasing him; he stood at arms length, smiling. Truly. Its good that soones rembered to hope, with all thats going on.
That wasnt my doing, Vernon chuckled. Nobody has ever looked at their governnt and felt hope. Theyre all looking at you. He brushed off his vest, then looked happily up at the clean facades of the buildings around them. Im just trying to prove them right.
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