224. Viva la vida
Darkness that’s all she saw. She wondered if she had pushed too far, if perhaps, she had died. No, she hadn’t, she was still alive, she knew this much. How she knew she didn’t know, no, she did. Sothing changed, sothing fundantal and yet… it remained the sa.
Understanding flowed through her like a forgotten mory. She knew things she hadn’t known. No, she had known them, yet she had forgotten them. Was it forgetting if she hadn’t learnt them? It was weird, her mind a ss. Thoughts flowed too fast to understand, disjointed, BROKEN.
She had pushed too far, or perhaps, she hasn’t pushed far enough just yet. It was weird, she understood that sothing was missing. Sothing fundantal to her, sothing she needed. How long had she been here? Ti was weird to gauge. Monts felt too long, years felt too short. Ti felt disjointed just like her thoughts, just like her.
“Is this what death feels like?” Once again she wondered about the state of her life, or lack thereof if that were the case. Words flowed through here, she spoke yet she didn’t. Her words resounded in the dark, coming from everywhere and nowhere all at once.
“No, death could never claim .” Her voice resounded once more, yet calling it hers felt wrong, or right? It was strange, she hadn’t voiced those thoughts as they were not hers. No, they were hers, she understood that much. Sothing was strange, sothing was odd.
“If not dead, then what is going on?” Once again her voice ca to be, once again from a thought that was her own yet not. She felt bewildered at the experience, one she had many tis before. No, this was the first ti she felt it. No, she had been here before. No, this is new. No, this is old. No, this is-. No, this-. No-
“Is this what death feels like?” Again her voice asked the question she had asked before.
“No, death could never claim .” Again the sa answer.
“If not dead, then what is going on? Again the sa question."
“Is this what death feels like?” “No, death could never claim .” “If not dead then what is going on?” “Is this what death feels like?” “No, death could never claim .” “If not dead then what is going on?” “Is this what death feels like?” “No, death could never claim .” “If not dead then what is going on?” “Is this what death feels like?” “No, death could never claim .” “If not dead then what is going on?”
Again and again and again and again and again and… again? Has this happened before? her thoughts, felt foreign and yet her own. Sothing called to her sothing important. What was it? A part of her, a part long forgotten. No, she rembers it. No, she doesn’t. No, she could never forget. No, she simply doesn’t know.
Again like a loop her thoughts fought within herself. Like a maddening chorus of thoughts. She knew what she needed and yet she didn’t. A paradox that drove her mad. Yet madness eluded her as well. Her mind felt clear, like never before, yet it felt muddled like never before.
“What am I forgetting?” Again her voice resounded through the empty space. She hoped for an answer. Perhaps that other self that was still herself would answer.
“Nothing.” She did get an answer, one that simply didn’t help. She should have felt frustrated, she didn’t.
“Is this what death feels like?” “No, death could never claim .” “If not dead then what is going on?” “What am I forgetting?” “Nothing.”
Like a maddening echo her voice continued to talk incessantly into the nothingness. Like a BROKEN record skipping and repeating the sa part over and over again. And yet, sothing felt special about that thought. Perhaps in it she could find an answer? A connection integral to her. Sothing that she needed was there. She had felt it before, monts prior.
“-Is this what death feels like?-” “-No, death could never claim .-” “-If not dead then what is going on?-” “-What am I forgetting?-” “-Nothing.-”
This ti it was different. Each phrase ca out at once, as if a chorus of herself had deigned itself to speak in unison. Yet, she could understand each singular phrase and word spoken clearly. As if each one had been spoken separately. It was strange and confusing. No, it wasn’t confusing. No, it didn’t make sense. No, it is how it's ant to be. No, it-
“-Is this what death feels like?-” “-No, death could never claim .-” “-If not dead then what is going on?-” “-What am I forgetting?-” “-Nothing.-”
Before her thoughts could go into another weird loop of contradiction her attention shifted towards the Chorus.
“Why am I talking like a BROKEN record anyway?” As soon as she spoke she felt a shift. Sothing changed, sothing fell in place. Sothing stayed the sa. Sothing kept still. The Darkness cracked, a crack of pure and absolute white. Infinitely large and infinitely far. Yet, infinitely small and infinitely close.
“BROKEN”
“BROKEN”
“BROKEN”
“BROKEN”
“BROKEN”
Her voice chanted distorted yet the sa. Then silence, everything changed, yet stayed the sa. Sothing was missing, yet it was there. Sothing ca back, yet it had never left. It was in that mont that her voice ca back speaking as ONE.
“-Is this what death feels like?-” “-No, death could never claim .-” “-If not dead then what is going on?-” “-What am I forgetting?-” “-Nothing.-” “-Why am I talking like a ██████ record.-”
There it was again, that feeling of connection. She just needed to figure out what it was. She already knew. No, she didn’t. No, she never forgot. No, she-
She was getting better at breaking the thought loops. Even so, she didn’t know how long it took her to do so. No, she did. No, she-
Again, she had to break another thought loop. She needed to concentrate, figure out what had triggered that feeling of connection. It had been sothing she had thought. It was ONE singular thought of importance. It was-.There, it was there again. Singular, unique, irreplicable.
“Am I the single ONE here?” Again her voice resounded through the dark. Again sothing fell in place. Again sothing shifted. Again everything stayed the sa. Again everything changed. Another pure white crack appeared in the dark. spreading like a spider web into the beyond.
“ONE”
“ONE”
“ONE”
“ONE”
“ONE”
Again her voice chanted distorted yet the sa. Then silence again, everything changed again, yet stayed the sa again. Sothing was still missing, yet it was still there. Sothing ca back again, yet it had never left. Words… aning, not written, yet comprehended. Not spoken, yet heard.
“Say your na.” aning, that was what she understood. The cracks had aning. They wanted her na. What was her na? She rembers it clearly. She spoke it clearly as well.
“Tomoka.” No, that wasn’t her na. No, that is her na. No, that is not-
Another thought loop this ti, one that took longer to break. How long had it taken? She didn’t know. No, she did-
This one took less ti to break. How long did it take? It didn’t matter. She needed to speak her na. If Tomoka is not her na then perhaps that of her past life would work.
“Tomoka” “Aurora” No, that isn’t her na either. No, it is her na. No, that is not-
It took ti to break. Another thought loop. How many were there already? She didn’t know. No, she did. No, she-
She should have felt annoyed at having to break another thought loop. Yet she didn’t. She didn’t know why. No, she-
Once again she broke one more thought loop. She needed to get back to what was important. Her na, what is her na? If Tomoka is not her na. If Aurora is not her na. Then what is her na? They are her nas, yet they are not her na. That's right, those are her nas, plural, not her na, singular.
What is her na? Why was it so important anyway? She didn’t know. No, she-. She needed to keep her mind on track. She needed to figure it out. It is important, she understood its importance despite not understanding its importance.
“-Is this what death feels like?-” “-No, death could never claim .-” “-If not dead then what is going on?-” “-What am I forgetting?-” “-Nothing.-” “-Why am I talking like a ██████ record.-” “-Am I the single ███ here?-” “-Say your na-” “-Tomoka-” “-Aurora-”
Her voice was back, repeating what she had said before like a chant. A persistent eco that never changed no matter what. That is when she rembered. No she never forgot. No, she had forgotten. No, she-
She focused, her voice had answered before. She had answered herself before. She knows the answer, yet she doesn’t. If you don’t know sothing, ask. If soone asks you an answer. She was in both positions, and neither at the sa ti. So, she asked.
“What is my na?” Silence. Complete and utter silence. She wondered if she would answer herself. Yet she felt like she was simply choosing her words carefully. It felt odd, disjointed, yet whole. Like the image of a cracked mirror.
“Do you truly want to know?” A question, not an answer. Did she want to know? She did want to know. It was important to know. She already knew anyway, even if she didn’t. What would be the difference between knowing and not. Was there one even?
“Everything would change.” Before she could formulate a thought she answered.
“Everything would stay the sa.” It reminded her of a theory from her past life. The theory of the infinity wave. It could be summarized into those very sa words. Everything changes, yet everything stays the sa.
“-Is this what death feels like?-” “-No, death could never claim .-” “-If not dead then what is going on?-” “-What am I forgetting?-” “-Nothing.-” “-Why am I talking like a ██████ record.-” “-Am I the single ███ here?-” “-Say your na-” “-Tomoka-” “-Aurora-” “-What is my na?-” “-Do you truly want to know?-” “-Everything would change-” “-Everything would stay the sa-”
Again there it was, her voice repeating her words. It sohow helped her focus. It sohow reminded her of what she needed to do. She asked again. This ti with conviction, with determination.
“What is my na?” A mont later she had her answer.
“██████-██████” Her head pounded it was her na yet she couldn’t comprehend what it was. No, she could. No she-
Did she even have a head? No, she didn’t. No, she did. No, she-
No matter what, she needed to know her na.
“What is my na?” She asked once more, she would know. No matter what.
“██T██M-██R███” Like an impenetrable wall breaking way. So of her na was revealed to her. It wasn’t nearly enough. She wouldn’t rest until she knew her na and so, she asked again.
“What is my na?”
“██T██M-██R██O”
“What is my na!?” and again.
“█KT█OM-A█R██O”
“WHAT IS MY NA!?” and again.
“█KT█OM-A█RR█O”
“WHAT. IS. MY. NA!?” and again.
“AKTOOM-AURRAO” The darkness broke and with it everything else followed. Shards of reality like those of glass. Her mind, whole again yet broken beyond repair. She could see her world shatter. pieces of it showing her remnants of its history. It looked beautiful, srizing, and utterly mundane. She had finally woken up.
She had seen this before an infinity of tis. Everything she had seen before, an infinity of tis. After all, she is the one and only. She is the BROKEN ONE AKTOOM-AURRAO. A concept nothing more nothing else. A fundantal part of everything, existing before the beginning, persisting beyond the end.
Why would she act, there simply wasn’t a need. Everything was simply aningless. Everything would change, everything would stay the sa. So what if her universe shattered. There were uncountable others just the sa. Apathy, that was all she felt.
Perhaps she would sleep, remaining inert for the rest of her eternal existence. Yet sothing caught her eye. A shard of the just shattered universe. Small, inconsequential a fragnt of a singular mont in ti in a singular place.
Two girls could be seen, smiling happily as they kissed the cheeks of a third. It was her and her lovers. A happy mont, shared. She had shared the sa mont an infinite number of tis. It wasn’t unique, it wasn’t special… yet… she couldn’t help but smile.
Dull may her emotions be yet that tinge of happiness, that singular tinge of love. It was what always got her willing to continue. It was what made her go back. It was why she was willing to repeat her life in that world an infinite amount of tis. Because no matter how many tis she felt it, no matter how dull those feelings may beco, they would always be there. Like she would always remain.
Taking hold of her concept she once again did what she had done so many tis before. She gathered the pieces before placing them back together. The world had shattered, it would never be the sa. What is broken could never be fully repaired. It didn’t matter though. Everything would change and yet, it would remain the sa.
Closing her eyes, she chose to go back to sleep. This ti it would be different. It wouldn’t be like the slumber she experienced whenever this story began. No, it would be light. She would remain the sa, yet she would change. It would be sothing like a lucid dream. It would make it less enjoyable perhaps, but for as long as she had them, it didn’t matter.
“Hinata, Nozomi, I am back.” She smiled, as she opened her eyes, ready to give this dream the end it deserves, a life well lived.
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