KEISHA POV
I couldn’t tell her about the pregnancy.
Not tonight or even ever. I just couldn’t bring myself to tell her.
"I had the dream again." I said instead.
Nadia turned to look at properly. "The one about your dad?"
"Yeah."
She was quiet for a second. "Tell about it."
I pulled my knees up to my chest. "It always starts the sa way. and Lyra in the kitchen. She was making faces at across the table trying to make laugh and spill my drink and I was trying so hard not to because Mama had just warned us about the floor." I paused. "It felt so normal. Just a regular evening."
"And then Mama got the call." Nadia said softly, finishing it for .
A small smile pulled at my lips and I nodded.
"And then Mama got the call." I confird. "I didn’t even hear what was said. I just watched her face change and then she was up and out the door without a word to either of us."
"You followed her."
"We always followed her." I nodded. "Wherever she went, we went. So instinct we had." I looked at the wall. "We got outside and there were people in the compound who had no business being there. And there was sothing on the ground covered with a cloth and Mama was already at it, already on her knees, her hands shaking so badly she could barely pull the cloth back."
Nadia said nothing, she just listened.
"He’d been at a eting two streets away." I said. "He walked there because it was close and he always said the walk did him good." A short laugh ca out of that had nothing funny in it. "They found him at the junction. Nobody saw anything. Nobody knew anything. Police investigated for three months and nothing ca out of it. Nothing."
"Nothing at all?" Nadia said.
"Absolutely nothing." I said. "Lyra and I tried ourselves after. We were nine and eleven and we made these colour coded tilines on paper and went around asking questions to people who didn’t want to answer us." I shook my head. "We were so sure we were going to find sothing the police missed. Two little girls with coloured pens and complete conviction, it’s funny to think about it now."
"Did you?" Nadia asked.
"We found nothing." I said. "Obviously. We were children." I exhaled. "Eventually life just kept going the way life does and we stopped looking and that was just—" I stopped. "That was just how it was."
Nadia was quiet for a long mont.
"What was he like?" She asked. "Your dad. Tell sothing about him."
I thought about it. "Patient would be a way to describe him." I said. "More patient than any person I’ve ever t since. With us, with Mama, with everyone." I paused. "He had this thing he did when Lyra and I were fighting. He’d just co and sit between us. He didn’t give a lecture and never raised his voice. Just appear, stop it and sit there like he had nowhere else to be."
Nadia smiled. "Did it work?"
"Every single ti." I laughed. "Without fail. We’d be furious at each other and then he’d just materialise between us and within five minutes we were laughing." I shook my head. "I never once figured out how he always knew when to co."
"Good parents always know." Nadia said quietly.
Sothing in her voice made look at her. She was looking at her hands, her expression sowhere far away.
"You think about your dad like that?" I asked quietly.
She was quiet for a mont. "Sotis." She sighed. "Just randomly. I’ll be in the middle of sothing completely ordinary and it just hits ." She paused. "That he won’t always be here. That one day—" She stopped and swallowed. "I look at him sotis and I think about how much of my life he’s in. How much of everything is him." She looked up at . "And I don’t know how you did it. How you and Lyra just— kept going."
"You just do." I shrugged, trying not to show how much it bothered . That Callum would be gone soday. "You don’t get a choice so you just do."
"Does it get smaller?" She asked. "The grief. Does it actually get smaller?"
I thought about answering the easy way. I thought about saying yes because it was what she wanted to hear and it would make the conversation softer.
"No." I said honestly. "It doesn’t get smaller. You just get bigger around it."
She looked at .
"Lyra said that." I said. "Years ago. I’ve never forgotten it."
"That’s exactly right." Nadia said quietly. "That’s exactly what it is."
We sat in the quiet for a while. The room was dim and outside the window, the pack grounds were dark and neither of us said anything.
"The thing you’re not telling ." Nadia said eventually.
I looked at her.
"I’m not asking tonight." She said quickly. "I’m not pushing. I just—" She held my gaze. "I see it sitting on you. I’ve seen it for weeks. And I need you to know that I see it and I’m here and whenever you’re ready, I’m not going anywhere."
I looked at her.
This girl who had been beside since we were nine years old. Who had done my makeup the night of Orin and blad herself for months after. Who had poured wine on Vanessa’s dress without blinking. Who ca ho from a party and got into bed beside in the dark and said tell sothing good about him.
"I know." I whispered and my voice ca out quieter than I intended. "I know you’re here."
She held my gaze for one more second. Then sothing shifted in her face and she stood up abruptly with the energy of soone who had made a decision.
"Right." She clapped, all business suddenly. "We’re going swimming."
I stared at her. "What?"
"The pool." She was already at the wardrobe, doors swinging open. "Co on. You’ve been sitting in your own head since this afternoon and it’s not helping and I refuse to watch you do it for another three hours."
"Nadia it’s late—"
"Heated pool." She looked at like it was obvious. "And before you say a single word about my period—" She held up a hand without turning around. "Outstanding softcare situation. Completely handled. Not a factor." She turned with two swim wear in her hands and looked at . "I would genuinely do anything for you. You know that." She held one out. "Get up."
I looked at the cloth in her hand and looked at her face.
"Okay." I smiled.
She let out a squeal and smirked. "Then, let’s get you sothing to wear."
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