When I woke up the next morning, I saw Gao Fei next to . He was lying on the bed, his posture straight. He could sleep through the night without moving at all. My gaze was greedy as I stared at him, but in the end, I did not lose myself within this image.
Gao Fei, even now, you detest , don’t you?
Even if I treated him the best I could, still, he hated .
This sort of feeling left powerless.
I left the bed and ate my dicine, then went for a walk outside. I had not taken notice of my appearance for a long ti, and this morning, as I stared into the mirror, I saw the paleness of my face. My body was emaciated and my cheeks were sunken, as though I were an old tree, slowly wasting the remainder of my life away.
After I applied power and painted my face, I finally found the courage to go out and face the world.
In the end, I chose to visit the cetery once more. Within its grounds lay a person who had loved with his entire life.
I said my goodbyes to my father. This was a strange ceremony – a person who knew instinctively that her days were numbered was saying her farewells to a person who had already left the world.
I sat by the tombstone and poured my heart out to my father. I told him that I missed him, and if there were a next life, to let him be my lover instead. That way, he would love a little more, and I would never have struggled so much. Or maybe, to let be reborn as a normal person, so that even if I continued to love Gao Fei, my love would not be so demanding, wiping away everything in its reckless path.
As I spoke, I grew tired, and rested my head against his tombstone, falling asleep.
When I woke, it was already late in the afternoon.
Before I left, I said to my father, ‘Father, this is too difficult. Why do I have to bear such a weight on my shoulders? I am tired, I no longer wish to continue on.’
In a daze, I made my way ho, and when I finally reached ho, I had already grown hungry. Gao Fei was not ho, and I guessed he must have already left for work.
I went to the kitchen to prepare sothing to eat. I wished to eat soy sauce noodles, the food Gao Fei loved most, but I had only just started preparing the noodles when I heard the door opening.
Gao Fei stood in front of . With a bellow, he snatched the bowl of noodles from my hands.
‘Why are you always like this – how many tis must I repeat myself? I said you cannot enter the kitchen, haven’t you understood what I’ve said? And if you had no errands to run, why did you leave ho without a word? Do you think it extrely boring to face ; are you regretting having saved my life?’
I stood rooted on the spot, not daring to move an inch. Gao Fei’s fury was sothing I had not expected.
I searched my mind for a reason. Eventually, I said, ‘In the past, you’ve said that I never had to tell you where I went because this had nothing to do with you. I only wanted to eat sothing because I am hungry. And this isn’t a big deal either – didn’t I cook for you for two years? You can’t lump two different issues together.’
I felt that this ranked among the most successful refutes I had ever made in my life. In the past, I would only say, I’m sorry, Gao Fei, I love you.
How I wished that he would understand! But there was never a ti where he understood.
This ti, Gao Fei was the one lost for words. For a long mont, he stood there, staring at .
I took the opportunity to snatch the noodles back into my hands.
‘Do you want so too? I can make another bowl for you.’
I guess this was the longest al I had ever eaten with Gao Fei. Gao Fei did not eat. Instead, he watched as I ate. In my heart, I was a little pleased, because a long ti ago, among the thousand and one wishes I had of Gao Fei, one of them was for him to willingly spend a al with . Because of this, I was beside myself with joy, and quickly washed up before I retired for the night.
Yet I was abruptly jolted awake in the middle of the night. The back of my body was damp, and I was held within a crushing embrace. Behind , that person’s body trembled with the choking of his sobs. In an instant, my mind sobered, but I did not make a sound. I curled my body tighter around myself and closed my eyes as I willed myself to sleep until, finally, dawn arrived the next morning.
***
20 April. Sunny.
In the early days of sumr, the skies were sunny, the air warm. In the span of a night, Gao Fei’s workload seed to have decreased massively. He often left late for work, and returned early. I was extrely happy, but I also hoped that his boss would not be displeased.
With my fingers, I counted each day I spent with Gao Fei. I thought that if we could continue to live like this for the remaining two months of my life, it would be more valuable than half a year of the past, for now, the ti Gao Fei spent by my side far exceeded what he used to give to .
Gao Fei watched as I ditated, then asked what I was thinking about.
I lifted my head and looked at him, and a sudden thought rose to my mind that his handsoness was unparalleled. Without thinking, I told him exactly that, yet I did not expect him to stare ferociously at instead.
Last night, when I had been jolted awake by the pain wracking through my body, I saw Gao Fei searching through the bedside cabinet which contained my dicine. I wanted to ask him what was wrong, but I soon realised that he was carefully reading through my dical records, attentively studying the specifications of all my dications.
It was an entire box full of dicine. Slowly, Gao Fei opened each packet and read their prescriptions word by word. Occasionally, he would look at . I hurriedly shut my eyes, forgetting my pain as I pretended to be deep in sleep, turning my body away. I recalled the night Gao Fei had held within his arms as he cried, and without reason, my tears began to form, falling from the corners of my eyes.
Gao Fei, you’ve finally understood how to love .
The next morning, I made a noble decision, deciding to complete what I had not managed to do for Gao Fei on his birthday. I did not wish to leave with regrets. And last night, Gao Fei’s actions had lted the last of my resentnt.
I redecorated the house and bought so candles and fresh flowers. I thought I needed sothing romantic.
When Gao Fei returned, his eyes took in the changes in the house before his gaze landed on .
‘How is it? Is a candlelight dinner tacky enough for you?’
I made him sit down, helped him to cut his cake, then prompted him to make a wish.
I said, ‘Gao Fei, the cake which I ordered that day was extrely sweet and made nauseous. Today, I asked the bakery to add only a little butter.’
Gao Fei did not say a word. Throughout the entire process, he sat there rigidly, his body as tense as an unbearably hard block of stone. I wanted to watch Gao Fei finish the cake, but I did not expect my sudden nosebleed.
The droplets of blood fell in quick succession from my nose, landing on the white linen cloth, a cloud of bloodied flowers blooming across the tablecloth. Flustered, I quickly raised my head to see that Gao Fei’s head was bowed as he ate. I thought that he should not have realised, for the candlelight was extrely dim.
In my panic, I did not have the energy to consider too much, and hurriedly searched for an excuse. I said to Gao Fei that the butter still made nauseous, then dashed into the bathroom.
The mont I entered the bathroom, I imdiately locked the door. But as the blood continued to flow from my nose, an indescribable panic seized my heart. I had never experienced such a symptom before, nor had the doctors warned of this.
I turned on the tap and hurriedly splashed the water onto my face, furiously wiping away the blood. But no matter how I wiped and wiped and then wiped, the water swirling within the sinks remained red.
I tilted my head backwards and raised my head as high as I could, but still, blood continued to rush forth like spring waters cascading down a waterfall, staining my clothes, the colour hypnotising to the eye. I was suddenly afraid that Gao Fei would discover this, and no longer had the energy to care for my nosebleed, leaning forward into the sinks as I tugged my clothes and shoved them under the tap, trying my best to wash the blood away.
To begin, my body was not in good condition, and my immunity was poor. Yet I felt it preferable to contract a cold than to let Gao Fei discover my nosebleed. My hands trembled in my fluster as I furiously cleaned, yet the door was abruptly flung open with a violent force.
I turned to see Gao Fei standing at the doorstep, his expression like a lion’s.
Clumsily, I began, ‘Gao Fei –’
But the last of my words were lost within his mouth.
In the past, I often imagined to myself what it would be like when Gao Fei finally kissed on his own accord. Perhaps it would happen in the early mornings of sunrise when the skies were lit with a soft, rosy glow. Or perhaps it would be under the enchanting darkness of the night, as the stars twinkled in the skies. Or maybe, it would be on a wintry night, under a blanket of white snow, falling gently upon the grounds.
I had never been lacking in my imagination, but I had never once imagined that it would be under such a bloodied circumstance that Gao Fei would kiss .
He was just like a small animal which had suffered a shock to its life and was now searching desperately for assurance. He pressed against the wall, his body towering over mine as he shifted closer, our bodies lined together, as though he could not endure even the slightest distance between us. His tongue snaked into my mouth, carrying with it a frantic urgency as it searched, as though he wished for nothing more than to swallow whole.
He reached out, his hands clenched tightly around my palms as he guided my hand towards his body.
I wanted to ask him what was wrong, but deep within my heart, I knew.
In the end, the desperate madness of Gao Fei’s kiss finally left him exhausted. He clung onto , burrowing his head within my collarbone as he cried. His cries were extrely loud, and I swore I had never known that a man could cry in such a manner, from the low, hoarse cries in the beginning to the loud wails which carried the force of a surging river, sweeping everything clean from its path. I even felt that Gao Fei was going to cry himself hoarse, shredding his vocal chords.
As he cried, his entire body was as rigid as an iron pillar. My arms enveloped him in a gentle hug. Quietly, I comforted him, and said, ‘Gao Fei, I love you. I have never regretted loving you.’
That night, I was beside myself with happiness. Perhaps this was one of the happiest days of my life, for I was so contented that I felt my soul was going to fly. For the first ti, I felt that I could die at this very mont with no regrets. Even if I had already departed from the world when dawn arrived the next morning, still, I would be imnsely grateful to the Heavens.
***
5 May. Cloudy.
That day, Gao Fei refused to sleep, and only went to bed when it was extrely late into the night. It was as though he had transford into a petulant child with a stubborn temper overnight. I did not know why he was at odds with himself, but no matter how I cajoled him, he turned a deaf ear to my words.
Even after I went to sleep, Gao Fei was still tornted by his own emotions. As I watched Gao Fei struggle in his turmoil, my heart ached unbearably for him.
Fortunately, when next morning rolled around, Gao Fei’s unusual stubbornness had disappeared.
As we laid on the bed, I burrowed my head within his chest. He did not push away. Instead, his hand reached over, five fingers widespread as he caressed my head gently.
Quietly, he asked, ‘Do you want to take your dicine?’
I admit that this simply question made overjoyed. In the past, Gao Fei detested , and in the first half-hour when he woke up in the mornings, he would not speak a word to . Even if it were a simple murmur of assent, still, he was reluctant to acknowledge .
I smiled, curling closer against his chest. ‘You’ll feed ?’ Afraid that Gao Fei would reject, I hurriedly added, ‘I don’t have any energy.’
Gao Fei’s fingers stilled. A long mont passed, before he finally said yes.
I thought that I should be contented with this. Though Gao Fei was still a man of few words, now, he had beco unusually sensitive. I could feel it.
For example, one day, when I had been singing along to a song, Gao Fei stumbled upon . In recent days, my condition continued to deteriorate, and I was often unable to leave the house. That day, I was lost in my thoughts as I listened to Mo Wenwei’s song, Love in Hiroshima, singing along with the lody which issued from her unique voice:
I hardly have ti to love you;
I should have stopped playing this ga of romance earlier.
Actually, I did not really like Mo Wenwei, but this particular song resonated with .
At that ti, Gao Fei happened to walk into the room, and this was the verse that he heard. His foot, which was about to take a step forward, suddenly stilled, and he stood at the door, staring at .
The slanting rays of the setting sun illuminated the room in a golden glow.
After a pause, Gao Fei strode in, kissing on my lips.
Slowly, his lips moved against mine, his kiss unbearably gentle. But when I raised my head and t his eyes, I was stunned. In that instant, I saw the unwillingness to part shining within the depths of Gao Fei’s beautiful eyes, as though it was an illusion which had flashed before my eyes…
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