TL: KSD
A Remote Island.
Kim Byul and I were sitting silently on the beach.
It was a place where the waves lapped at our feet.
EP 6-The Show Must Go On
Dawn was neither as quiet nor as dark as I had thought.
The sound of waves scattering on the sandy beach resembled the breath of the sea, and the mountain birds and grass bugs that awoke at night sang endlessly that our night was more beautiful than the day of humans.
The white moonlight settled on the waters surface, sparkling and dancing every ti the waves rippled, and the starlight that had already disappeared descended down to the earth, twinkling on the horizon.
The starlight on the horizon was probably the night view of the land across the sea.
Or maybe a squid fishing boat.
But from afar, all of it looked like twinkling starlight. Whether its reality was the office of workers suffering from not being able to go ho, or a squid fishing boat, that didnt matter.
It all depended on the observer. To the ancients who looked at constellations and told legends, the fact that those were actually balls of fire floating in space probably wasnt very important either.
It was the sa for .
If I were an overly sensitive novelist, I might have been enchanted by this beautiful dawn and fumbled around for a while before grabbing a pen, but I was not that kind of literary person.
To , dawn was the ti when, if you didnt want to get scolded by the orphanage teachers, you had to pretend to sleep even if you couldnt.
To , dawn was the ti to see how far the underdeveloped beasts of the high school dormitory could uglify themselves.
To , dawn was the ti to lie on the cold floor with my back, feeling the harsh reality of being unable to pay for heating.
That was what my literature was about.
One might say I was a bit of a lost cause.
A complete fool, incapable of anything but unraveling the pain and deprivation experienced in the shadows of society.
But even so, I knew how to do just that, which is why I received the love of formidable crazies like Gu Yu-na and Gu Hak-jun.
After all, misfits find each other amusing just by looking at each others faces, thinking of Professor Gu Hak-jun and Yu-na made smile automatically. Of course, Im talking about them in the past, not now.
Naturally, rembering that I would never see them again made the smile disappear. Going back and forth like this made feel like I was suffering from bipolar disorder.
Fortunately, there was a presence that saved from my gloomy thoughts. A small crab had climbed onto the top of my foot.
The crab, smaller than my fingers, fortunately didnt pinch with its claws and, after wandering around on the giants foot, was swept away by the wave that rushed at my feet back into the sea.
The crab disappeared among the sound of the waves. The mountain birds and and insects that awoke at night were still singing.
The moonlight swept by the waves continued to dance on the surface of the water, and the starlight catching squids beautifully adorned the horizon.
Thus, on the beach of a remote island,
welcoming the rather noisy and sparkling dawn,
Kim Byul, who was crouching next to , asked .
Whats troubling you that made you co out to the beach alone?
.
Couldnt sleep?
Kim Byuls question was surely a comfort to . But it brought more emptiness than that.
The mont I was asked, I realized the irony that I couldnt possibly share my worries with anyone.
What should I answer?
That I parted with the most important person to in the most terrible way, that I can never et that person again, and that its all my fault?
That no matter how much money and fa I now gain, the agony of being neglected in the past gnaws at my heart?
That all the most precious things are left behind in the past, and everything I am building now feels so fragile, fearing it might vanish on a whim of of so omnipotent being?
That the literature I loved, all the success I tried to grasp with all my efforts and passion seems so trivial now?
Probably, if I told such stories, I would only be seen as a madman.
And I was indeed a madman.
There is no evidence in this world that I have traveled back in ti.
I could be a child dreaming of the future, or a madman who mistakenly believes he has leapt through ti and returned to the past. No one can understand like that.
Fortunately, my level of self-discipline was not so low that I would express such irritability violently towards Kim Byul.
Its okay. Its nothing.
But, on the contrary, Kim Byul did sothing strange.
Hey, what is it?
Its really nothing.
Why? Are you embarrassed to tell , your noona?
Kim Byul playfully tapped my foot with her barefoot. It was utterly mischievous. It seed crazy.
Before I could ask her in surprise if she had been drinking, I glanced at her, and she was blushing, seemingly embarrassed herself.
Interpreting her flustered expression, it seed like she thought, Ah, why did I do that? She seed confused about why she had done that herself.
But I think I understood.
And so, I felt a bit sorry for her.
In my view, that wasnt Kim Byuls original personality.
From the mont we entered this island, Kim Byul had been acting as a lively and mischievous girl. Shes playing the adorable character often called the nations little sister.
So even her previous action was probably
An impulsive action resulting from not being able to escape that role.
Though its not strange or pitiable to adopt a persona in a variety show, the reason I felt sorry for Kim Byul was that this wasnt the first ti sothing like this had happened.
Quite a bit of ti has passed since I beca friends with Kim Byul. I know more about her than she thinks.
Kim Byuls personality changes slightly from ti to ti.
And that change is influenced by the role she is playing at the mont.
As soone who has a keen eye for observing people, I can say this with certainty.
When Kim Byul played a role of a rude, thoughtless minor character, she was slightly rude. Conversely, when she played a vengeful gunman from Manchuria, she was dignified and masculine.
Kim Byul often argues that thod acting isnt everything in acting, but in reality, she cannot completely detach herself from her roles.
I can only guess that the way Kim Byul behaves at school might be her true self, but now Im beginning to wonder if she even has an original personality.
Its difficult to consider it a healthy ntal state.
This change also manifests in her appearance.
Ive never seen anyone whose appearance changes as frequently as Kim Byuls.
This ti was no different.
Kim Byul, who had a bob haircut for a comrcial, returned with long hair.
Whats with your hair? Is it a wig?
Its hair extensions?!
Wig or hair extensions, why did your hairstyle change again?
I dont know, the company made do it.
Perhaps realizing her answer sounded too dismissive, Kim Byul coughed and added belatedly.
Ahem! At my level, my appearance can be considered a strategically styled artwork.
So, your clothes are sponsored as well?
Of course!
But is it okay to sit on the sandy ground like this?
Ah!
Kim Byuls frantic attempts to brush the sand off her clothes were amusing but not really funny.
Look.
Her personality changes according to the writers intention, and her appearance changes according to soone elses intention. There is no intention of Kim Byuls own.
The real Kim Byul is constantly being suppressed. Under the pressure weighing down on Kim Byul, she is slowly being driven out.
What is the cost of all this?
Money? She has earned enough to live in leisure for a lifeti, but she sneaks snacks like a thief in the school cafeteria during lunchti, avoiding her managers watchful eyes.
Popularity? Kim Byul hardly ever looks at her phone, fearing she might see the malicious comnts and sexual harassnt online.
If she accidentally reads any sharp comnts, her mood becos unstable for an entire week. In the anti, she cannot proudly visit a psychiatrist and secretly receives treatnt in the counseling room within Baekhak Entertainnt.
And how sensitive she is to the power struggles on set! Shes overly sensitive to non-verbal cues from others, to a level of paranoia. Its a defense chanism to preserve her dignity among those who scorned her as a has-been.
Kim Byul is always seeking soones recognition.
As I was looking at Kim Byul with a sympathetic gaze, she eventually gave up on removing the sand from her sponsored clothes.
Ah, I dont know, Ill just wash them and return them, she joked, and I, unable to hold back my curiosity, impulsively asked her a question.
Acting is gradually wearing Kim Byul down.
Yet,
Why do you continue to act, Kim sunbae?
What?
Kim Byul looked at with a face that said it was such a ridiculous question, and she gave the sa answer she always does.
Because my mom tells to, what can I do?
Um Really?
Finally, Kim Byul beca a bit more serious.
Kim Byul, temporarily shedding the character she played on this island, stared at with an expressionless face.
Eventually, her gaze shifted to the sea. Only the sound of the waves fluttered in the silence.
Silently, I looked at Kim Byul, Kim Byul looked at the sea, and the sea just kept rippling, as ti passed.
Then, at so point, a feeble voice was heard.
Exactly
The vulnerable and trembling girl I once saw on the ergency stairs of Baekhak Entertainnt appeared.
Why do I continue to act
Kim Byul revealed her dark inner thoughts while watching the sea, where the black waves were churning.
When I was young, I felt like I had the whole world.
But I didnt. I wasnt a genius, and people were just fixated on a cute kid. As the trend passed, I beca an afterthought, and as I grew a little older, I realized I was nothing compared to the real geniuses. The only reason people liked was purely because I was young.
I was taken aback. I didnt expect Kim Byul to reveal so much of her inner thoughts just because of a question I impulsively asked.
I wanted to hastily retract my question, but part of hesitated, wanting to hear more of what Kim Byul had to say.
anwhile, Kim Byuls story continued.
After realizing my place, I frantically learned to act. It wasnt because I thought Id beco so great actor. My mom pushed into it, and acting was the only thing Ive ever accomplished in life. That was the only option I had.
But you know what, In-seop? I still like acting.
The greatest art reveals humanity as it is, because humans are creatures that wrap themselves in lies. Exposing oneself is not sothing just anyone can do.
There is power in authenticity.
I was overwheld by Kim Byuls sincere heart. All I could do was listen to her words.
Of course, I know now. Im not a child anymore. Acting isnt that fun. No matter how hard I try, I end up being soones puppet, and no matter how much effort I put in, if I lack talent or dont match peoples tastes, I beco garbage. Its not just about being good at acting, being a celebrity slowly destroys a person
Even the good old tis I felt when I was younger, I realized it was all just a montary illusion. I was just a kid who got lucky and beca a star for being young and cute. In other words, anyone can beco a star just by being young and cute. Maybe being a star isnt really a big deal
But I think there are monts when you have to continue, even if what was precious to you has faded.
The strange ti of dawn was slowly coming to an end.
A red light was rising beyond the horizon.
The mont of transition between day and night had arrived.
In-seop. I know that Author Moon is not a genius.
Hes not the genius boy overwheld with inspiration as seen on TV, but a bratty kid who frets every day trying to co up with writing material and gets cranky at his seniors when he cant write.
But I dont know what your worries are, but I want to say just this. This is also sothing I learned from you.
Kim Byul poked in the ribs as she always does.
Maybe, its not about what you achieve, but there is beauty in striving towards your dreams.
I dont know what expression she had when she said this to . I was caught in an indescribable emotion, frozen like a statue, just staring at the rising sun on the horizon.
anwhile, Kim Byuls story continued.
Even if acting isnt as fun as I thought, and being a star isnt as great as I imagined, and even if the brief success I enjoyed was just because I was young
The sun rising on the horizon drove away the darkness.
Only then did I look at Kim Byuls face.
Im still dreaming.
She was smiling brightly.
Lets keep going strong.
Basking in the sunlight that chased away the dawn,
Looking at Kim Byuls smile, which was sparkling more than ever,
I inadvertently said,
Thats really a beautiful thought.
Kim Byuls face turned red.
What, what are you saying Thats so cringey. Are you a poet or sothing?
She left those words behind and quickly got up and ran away.
With her kicking and running away, I ended up lying on the sand.
I dont know how long I laughed in that state.
I spent a long ti watching the sky gradually brighten.
Perhaps, Kim Byul is much stronger than I thought.
Ugh.
After a long contemplation, I got up from my place and dusted off the sand.
Then, I looked up at the sky again with a new mindset.
The lens of a cara installed on a beach tree was sparkling in the sunlight.
*****
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