Chapter 87 - The whole points of the nut
Even after cleaning up, Katie was self-conscious about her surprise facial... "You bearded ..."
...
Ben tried to justify it. "The best way to cure a phobia is to ’face’ your fears..."
...
Then, Ben frowned when he realized sothing, but his expression soon eased. ’Nope, definitely not enough for a gender bender or yaoi tag...so don’t even think about it...Let’s keep the marketing focused; My biography doesn’t need to cater to everyone...’
Katie was still moping. "You made look like Gandalf the White..."
Ben tried to make her feel better. "It could’ve been worse. If you looked like Gandalf the Grey, I’d have to check my diet..."
Instead of finding it amusing, Katie sulked further...
Seeing that failed, Ben tried reason. "It was unintentional, believe ... How was I supposed to know...you’d fall off a cliff with a Balrog...
Have a skydiving battle ignoring the laws of psychics...
Change your class to magic swordsman...
Then fall through a plot crater and land in a lake of ass-pull-water?"
...
Katie was about to speak, but Ben put his finger on her lips. "I know what you want to say...that there’s a wider universe down there unexplored in the novels because Tolkien died first...but...co...on...
At so point you have to wonder: is it not I, the audience, who’s the real victim here?
...That’s why it’s not my fault."
"I’m going ho..." Katie said.
’I’ll still be expecting you to ride in last second to save the day at Helm’s Deep...just try not to have your army hide behind that hill too long for your dramatic entrance...LEST WE ALL DIE!’
Noticing Katie was still pouting, Ben gave it one last try to cheer her up. ’Maybe fantasy isn’t her cup of tea. She might be more of a sci-fi gal.’
He laced his fingers in front of himself. "Katie, look, I’m a man of science. There’s a principle in quantum physics, that particles exist as both waves and particles at the sa ti which explains what happened to the electrons in my s.p.e.r.m. It’s called wave-particle spewality...
So you see, you were going to get splashed or splotted no matter what... Your mistake was looking at it and making it real..."
...
When Katie started slapping his arm, Ben wondered if she was a creationist...
After talking her down though, they made up. Despite joking around, Ben checked multiple tis that she was ok after. He even walked her ho, despite every minute being precious to him now, which showed his magnanimity.
’It’s good she lives two blocks away...’ he thought as they traveled.
***
Ben was back in his dorm room, having dropped off Katie, and now sitting on his bed as he opened his system screen. With ti running out, the first thing he checked when he returned was his death mission. "Was it enough?"
When he saw it...Ben unleashed an exhausted sigh...There was no change. "So what does it an by seduce?"
He tried to get clarification, but the system wouldn’t explain any further. He only knew he needed to do more. ’If it requires oral or regular s.e.x, I have a chance...but if this ends up being another parable for true love...I’m going to f*cking die because the sheeple want a Hollywood ending!’
Ben rubbed his temples as he pondered the notion that his execution might result from the sa forces that generated Julia Roberts rom-coms.
...
He groaned in frustration. ’Does every romance movie NEED to have a tall rich successful guy falling in love with a 6? ...With such absurd expectations, no wonder it’s so hard for to close a 7... I an, I know they’re catering to the fantasies of the dian moonhog audience...but what kind of basic turd can only enjoy mindless wish fulfillnt?’
Then, he grimaced, because he rembered his web novel reading list.
...
"Sigh...Fine, it is what it jizz... Speaking of which, let’s check what achievents I earned." Ben opened his system notifications.
[Congratulations! You’ve unlocked the Achievent: Picking Your Brain(uncommon) - Have a woman kiss your testicles]
[Distributing reward: PUA Points 200]
"I’ve got lots of ideas..."
[Congratulations! You’ve unlocked the Achievent: Courtesy Lick(uncommon) - Have a woman lick your p.e.n.i.s without intentions of proper courtship with it]
[Distributing reward: PUA Points 200]
"My penile reputation is always at stake... Yet, despite her questionable intentions, good manners are always appreciated..."
[Congratulations! You’ve unlocked the Achievent: Balljob(repeatable, uncommon) - Get a balljob from a new woman to completion]
[Distributing reward: PUA Points 200]
"Balljob? ...Never heard of that...I guess this makes an innovator of sorts." A few seconds later though, he frowned, because after that, he didn’t see an oral s.e.x achievent. To be certain, he went to check his weekly challenge, and as he suspected, it was still uncompleted.
[Weekly Challenge: Smile like a doughnut - Receive oral s.e.x...not from yourself...and from a woman]
After scratching his head...and throwing a few things, Ben could only accept it. "I have to assu it didn’t count it because there wasn’t insertion... Well, nothing I can do about it. Let’s see what else I got."
[Congratulations! You’ve unlocked the Achievent: C*ckstage Negotiator(uncommon) - Negotiate with a woman to receive a repeatable achievent]
[Distributing reward: PUA Points 200]
Ben nodded. "Mark Cuban for the assist." This is why people watched Shark Tank...
[Congratulations! You’ve unlocked the Achievent: Athenian War Paint(uncommon) - Give a woman a s.p.e.r.m facial...while she’s awake]
[Distributing reward: PUA Points 200]
"Jizz...is...ATHENS!" Ben almost fell over from front-kicking empty air...but that also sohow fit the the...
[Congratulations! You’ve unlocked the Achievent: Self Inflicted C.u.mshot(uncommon) - Be ejaculated by a woman who hasn’t received the proper training in handling p.e.n.i.ses...resulting in self-casualty]
[Distributing reward: PUA Points 200]
Ben snorted. "More leftist liberal hogwash... Anyone with foresight or foreskin knows the statistics show the truth: c.u.m don’t spill on people...people spill on people..."
[Congratulations! You’ve unlocked the Achievent: Edward Newgated(fine) - Give a woman a white beard of s.p.e.r.m]
[Distributing reward: PUA Points 500]
Ben smiled. "This one gave the most points...only proving once again why Whitebeard was the strongest..."
[Congratulations! You’ve unlocked the Achievent: DNA Eyepatch(uncommon) - Give a woman an eyepatch of s.p.e.r.m
[Distributing reward: PUA Points 200]
Ben shrugged. "You don’t really need depth vision at such dong distance..."
[Congratulations! You’ve unlocked the Achievent: Dropping off the kids(uncommon) - Ejaculate into a woman’s mouth]
[Distributing reward: PUA Points 200]
’Unfortunately for those kids, Katie the kidnapper has already taken them to a secondary location...’
Ben glanced at his garbage bin where many tissues were stuffed. ’Good luck in your next lives...I’m sorry I wasn’t a better father...’
Finished going over his spoils, Ben took a minute to sit in silence on his bed...
He knew that to an outside observer...his codic mood might have seed inappropriate given his circ.u.mstances of impending death. Yet, a sense of humor was the only thing stabilizing his mind. The guillotine was approaching his neck and he could almost see his reflection in it. If he didn’t lighten the situation, he would’ve already gone insane...
Ben exhaled and moved to the next step. With all the achievents, he now had 2450 points. It wasn’t enough for a high level mystery box, but two mid level ones still had so chance of giving him sothing useful. With ti running out, he couldn’t risk trying to save up 5000. He needed to take his chances now.
So, without procrastinating, Ben took out a lucky clove cigarette, and prepared to take what could be the last gamble of his life...
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