Briar’s POV
An uneasy energy courses through my veins like electricity without a proper outlet.
The sensation begins as sothing barely noticeable. A tremor in my legs. An urge to move that lacks any clear destination. After the sun disappears behind the mountains, I find myself walking back and forth across the cabin floor, my footsteps creating an endless rhythm. From the window to the door, then to the sink, back to the window again. Each ti I force myself to stop, the compulsion drags back into motion.
I refuse to sit down.
Sitting feels like surrendering to sothing I cannot na.
Dinner becos an afterthought until sharp pangs in my stomach demand acknowledgnt. Instead of food, I reach for water, drinking glass after glass until the hunger becos a dull throb rather than sharp claws. Physical discomfort is simpler to handle than the beast scratching at the inside of my chest.
In the afternoon, I step under the shower spray because my body feels foreign, like borrowed skin. The temperature climbs higher than usual, steam coating the bathroom mirror until my reflection vanishes completely. I linger there, forehead pressed against the cool tiles, palms flat against the wall, forcing my breathing into asured patterns while trying to convince my nervous system that everything is fine.
My body knows better.
As darkness falls, the sensation intensifies. It feels like my skeleton is vibrating, like restless energy has taken residence in my bones with nowhere to escape. The pressure builds behind my temples and spreads through my limbs. I attempt to ground myself on the mattress edge, fingers gripping my knees, counting each inhale and exhale.
Nothing changes. The restlessness simply transforms, winding tighter instead of releasing its grip.
I return to the shower. This ti the water runs cold, shocking my system when it hits my shoulders. I remain under the icy stream until my skin burns with cold and my body shivers uncontrollably. I crave that jolt of sensation. I need proof that I exist in physical space, that the ground beneath my feet remains constant whether anyone requires my presence or not.
Stepping out, my reflection startles .
Sothing is wrong with my face. The features are too rigid, too vigilant, like soone preparing for an attack that never arrives. I turn away quickly and pull on clean clothes, then change again minutes later because the fabric feels wrong against my hypersensitive skin. Food remains untouched. My pacing resus, wearing invisible paths into the wooden floor.
When knocking echoes from the front door, I am midway through another lap around the living area, pulse hamring in my throat for reasons I refuse to examine. My hands feel clumsy and detached from my body.
I yank the door open too quickly.
Ruth stands on the porch, her expression already tight with concern, eyes performing the kind of rapid assessnt that cos from years of crisis managent. One look at my appearance confirms whatever suspicion brought her here. She releases a sharp breath through her nose.
"How many hours," she asks, stepping past without invitation.
"Hours of what?"
"Real sleep," she clarifies. "Do not waste ti pretending otherwise."
I close the door and press my spine against it, using the solid surface as an anchor for a fleeting mont. "I slept last night."
Her arms cross over her chest. "Lying in bed with your eyes closed does not qualify."
I move toward the kitchen on autopilot, needing sothing tangible to focus on. Ruth follows without being asked, the way she always does when she senses trouble and intends to see it resolved.
"Have you eaten anything today," she asks.
"Coffee."
Her jaw clenches. "Coffee is not food."
"I had no appetite."
"You are lying," she states matter-of-factly. "Either to or yourself. Maybe both."
I grab a glass and fill it from the tap, the sound of rushing water too loud in the stillness. My trembling hands cause so of the liquid to splash onto the counter.
Ruth notices everything. Always.
She does not ntion the shaking. Sohow that makes it worse.
"You are falling apart," she says. "Carefully. You think if you do it slowly enough, nobody will see."
"I am still managing everything that needs to be done."
"Machines manage their functions right up until they break down completely," she snaps, then imdiately gentles her tone. "I am frightened, Briar."
The admission stops cold.
"Frightened of what."
"Of watching you fade away again," she explains. "Of you bearing impossible burdens so gracefully that no one realizes they are destroying you."
I face the wall where an old photograph used to hang.
"I do not know how to set it down," I confess.
"That is not what is happening here," Ruth corrects. "You are pretending the weight does not exist."
Heavy silence fills the space between us.
The words have been building pressure for days, maybe weeks.
"I do not know who I am," I say carefully, "when nobody needs ."
Ruth waits without speaking.
"I understand how to repair broken things," I continue. "How to diate conflicts and absorb tension and make decisions and shoulder responsibility. I know how to serve a purpose. But when that purpose disappears, when life continues without my intervention, I feel like I am floating without gravity."
Ruth settles into a chair at the table. "You are permitted to exist without earning that right."
"That is not how staying alive works."
She studies intently. "Staying alive is not a performance. It is simply being."
I shake my head. "You cannot understand."
"I understand perfectly," she replies. "I just refuse to let you mistake your wounds for your identity."
My legs give out and I collapse into the opposite chair. My fingers weave together in my lap.
"I am terrified," I whisper. The admission feels strange on my tongue. "If I stop being essential, I will beco invisible."
Ruth leans across the table. "That is a survival story your mind created because it once saved your life."
I squeeze my eyes shut.
"When did you last rest without feeling guilty about it," she asks.
I have no answer.
"Exactly what I expected," she murmurs with gentle understanding.
We remain there as night deepens around the cabin. Eventually Ruth rises from her chair.
"You need food," she declares. "Soup, bread, anything. And you will sleep tonight."
"I do not think sleep is possible."
"It is possible," she insists. "And if you wake up, that is acceptable too."
Her hand squeezes my shoulder before she heads for the door. "Do not erase yourself just because the world learned to function without constant rescue."
Sleep arrives that night like a predator, dragging under without consent.
The dream takes back to the battlefield.
But sothing is different.
I stand at the periphery instead of in the center. The earth is scarred and smoking, but my hands hold no weapons. I issue no commands. I am completely still.
Wolves race past my position. Swift and sure. They understand their destination.
I try to call out warnings that have already expired.
None of them turn around.
They adapt without my guidance. They protect each other. They endure.
Terror rises in my throat like acid. I attempt to move forward but my feet are locked in place.
I wake choking on air, sheets tangled around my limbs, heart pounding like I have been sprinting for miles.
It takes several minutes to convince myself of my safety.
That these walls are real. That nobody is dying because I remain motionless.
I sit on the bed’s edge, trembling.
Sothing is crystallizing inside . Not clear yet. Not fully ford. Just mounting pressure beneath my ribs, demanding transformation without explaining the thod.
I do not know what happens next.
But I know I cannot carry this burden the sa way much longer.
Not indefinitely.
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