The conversation about Cain had fallen away after an interruption or two from the nurses that were checking on Ashleigh.
There was more that needed to be said. But Ashleigh recognized that it was also challenging to hear. Fiona needed to have ti to process the new information she had been given, and Ashleigh had more answers to find.
But even though the conversation about Cain was done, it was clear that Fiona still had sothing she wanted to say to Ashleigh.
“I don’t really want to beat around the bush, Ashleigh. So, I’m just going to say what I want to say,” Fiona said.
Ashleigh swallowed but nodded.
“You could have been seriously hurt today. But you still held back against ,” Fiona smiled at her. “Why?”
Ashleigh let out a sigh.
“Fiona, I an no disrespect, but I can’t just let go of my control. I could hurt people, not just you, but literally anyone around ,” Ashleigh said. “I might have hurt Abe.”
“I do understand,” Fiona replied.
Ashleigh sighed.
“I know Bell told you about my father,” Fiona continued. “I may not have grown up in Winter, but I was exposed to the berserker rage. As you know, it doesn’t just go away when you are no longer ranked.”
“No,” Ashleigh said softly.
In Winter, most berserkers who lost their rank continued to try to regain it for the rest of their lives. However, those that retired found it difficult to return to a life without the sparring and challenges..
One of the reasons Ashleigh trained as hard as she did as often was to help curb the natural cravings of being a berserker.
“My interest in the military was largely due to my father’s unique needs,” Fiona smiled. “He trained day and night, and when I was old enough, I joined him in sparring sessions and guided ditations.”
Ashleigh listened as Fiona spoke. She tried to imagine her as a young girl running through the trees with her father, sparring with him.
“I know Sumr was interested in berserkers for a long ti. If your father was one, why did Caleb need ?” Ashleigh asked.
“My father refused to share any of his knowledge with Sumr. He respected Winter; to him, being a berserker was tied to Winter. So he couldn’t share that with others.”
Ashleigh nodded. She was glad to hear it.
“He struggled a lot,” Fiona said. “There were tis he had to be locked in solitary to keep himself and others safe.”
Ashleigh swallowed and looked away.
“Then you should understand why I hold back.”
“I do,” Fiona nodded. “You’re afraid.”
Ashleigh looked back at Fiona, she knew, she understood, and yet the way she had said it… It sounded insulting.
“I actually objected to letting Caleb train with a berserker,” Fiona smiled.
“You did?”
Fiona nodded.
“I knew what it took for my father to maintain a level of normalcy, I was afraid of what it would do to Caleb if he was given that rage.”
“We only trained together, I wasn’t ever going to turn him into a berserker,” Ashleigh said.
“I know,” Fiona smiled. “But I was sure he would want to be one.”
Ashleigh didn’t agree, Caleb liked having control, understanding every action he took. Being a berserker would have required him to let go.
“My father struggled the most when my mother was involved,” Fiona said. “She loved him a great deal, but the rage terrified her.”
“It should,” Ashleigh replied softly.
Fiona looked at Ashleigh with a profound sadness in her eyes.
“When did you get so scared of your strength?” Fiona asked.
Ashleigh looked back at her.
When was it?
The wolves she had torn apart in the attack on Sumr haunted her. Sothing about them, about the way she couldn’t rember their faces even in her ditations of the event. It bothered her, but it didn’t scare her.
A tallic taste in her mouth, black hair, and the slowing of Caleb’s heart. Shattered mories crashed together in one mont.
Granger.
He was trying to kill Caleb, he would have. He was a bad person who had done so many terrible things….
Why was she so afraid of the power she felt when she sunk her teeth into him?
“It’s too easy,” Ashleigh said quietly.
“What is?” Fiona asked.
“Killing.”
Fiona looked at Ashleigh and considered her carefully. She took a deep breath.
“It always has been,” she said softly. “Think harder.”
Ashleigh furrowed her brows and looked at Fiona. How could she know what the problem was? When Ashleigh herself didn’t know.
Another partial mory flashed before her eyes. She was crying, hugging herself tightly, trying to make herself small against the wall. Granger stared down at her; he was apologizing. But his face just for a mont. He smiled.
Her mory jumped again, back to the attack on Sumr, to pulling the n that attacked her apart, feeling the skin tearing, their bones breaking. And sothing else.
Him. Through the shred of bond they shared. She felt his excitent.
Ashleigh gasped and turned her head to the side, hunching over the bed rail just in ti for the bile that had risen in her throat to splash onto the floor below.
She coughed and gagged. Her stomach continued to churn, and she threw up again as she understood what it was that had bothered her so much.
“It’s ok,” Fiona said, pulling back Ashleigh’s hair and running her hand gently over her back. “It’s ok.”
After her stomach had finally settled, Ashleigh sat back in her bed. Soone ca in and cleaned up the ss she had made, once they had left Fiona sat back down beside her.
“Ashleigh,” she said. “I know it can be difficult to talk about the things that hurt or upset us. Especially with those we only want to see the best in us.”
Ashleigh looked away, trying to hide the tears that gathered in her eyes.
“But I am more than willing to listen or sit beside you as you process those things. I am happy to help you with guided ditation, or through sparring and training,” Fiona continued. “But, the most important thing is that you find that fear and you work through it.
“My father avoided it, for a long ti. He wore silver bracelets day and night. But after a while, it hurt him, ntally. He wasn’t a wolf anymore, and even more than that, he could feel it in the back of his mind, like a dog scratching at the door. It was driving him crazy.”
Fiona looked down, taking a breath before continuing.
“He told that the only way to know what you truly fear and can truly handle was to face it head-on. So he voluntarily locked himself in solitary, removed the bracelets, and lost himself in the rage. At ho, my mother struggled with her own troubles.”
“What happened?” Ashleigh asked.
Fiona lifted her head and looked at Ashleigh.
“There weren’t suppression pills back then,” she said quietly. “All that my father was dealing with, channeled back to her, and she wasn’t prepared for it.”
Ashleigh swallowed. Fiona gave a sad smile and turned away.
“When my father ca ho, he was a different man. He was calm, he was cheerful. My mother started to get better as well. Sotis I heard them talking, I heard her apologizing. Telling him she didn’t understand before.”
Ashleigh hadn’t considered what it would be like for the mate of a berserker.
“He still trained and ditated, but not nearly as often, he said he found the thing he feared. He found what threatened his control, and he made a decision. Whatever it was, it didn’t hold power over him anymore.”
“It sounds so easy,” Ashleigh whispered.
“Then you weren’t listening,” Fiona smiled.
Ashleigh looked up at her, and Fiona touched her cheek gently.
“You are a brave and strong woman. You are a Luna. Whatever is holding you back, you are stronger.”
Fiona gave Ashleigh a hug and then excused herself, knowing that Ashleigh had a lot to process and needed her rest.
Ashleigh closed her eyes, feeling the weight of the day, her thoughts, and everything else settling over her. Then, her mind slowly began to drift away into the depths of her dreams.
That was when she felt the warmth of his touch along her hip.
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