It’s been four days since Felix left. There hasn’t been any news. Everything is like nothing ever happened. I started my dancing lessons, and they have been pretty exhausting. I’m so nervous all the ti. I thought dancing with Felix was uncomfortable, but dancing with totally random n is way worse. I keep looking at my feet, and I feel how stiff my body is. I don’t like being so close to n I don’t know. Our dancing partner changes every ti. I’m not sure if it is a good or bad thing. I just hope this week would be over already.
And I hope I could know how things are up north. I keep worrying about Felix all the ti, even though I know I should not worry about him. I don’t know when exactly he got so inside my head that I can’t stop thinking about him. I keep thinking about our kiss too. I have dreamt about him far too many tis. Previously, I thought that maybe Felix was the one causing my dreams. But now that he is gone, I guess I can’t bla him anymore.
And there haven’t been any visions anymore. Life has been pretty peaceful, actually. I have visited the church each morning. The place feels rather empty without Father Owen, but I pray each day that they co back from the north without injuries.
I have visited Felix’s garden every day and taken care of it. I’m actually heading there right now. Now that I have been there alone, there has been much ti to admire it. And it truly is the most beautiful place I have ever seen. I’m not sure if I can believe that he actually made it only for . We really hadn’t even talked much when he brought here for the first ti, so it’s hard to imagine he would do sothing like this for a total stranger. And I wonder why he didn’t just hire a gardener to take care of this place? I don’t understand why he trusts so much. Whatever the reason, I have enjoyed being here. It has served as a great distraction. I do feel less alone here.
At so point, I got so used to everyone’s company here at the Palace that now I feel rather empty. Two days after Felix and Father Owen left, I went to visit Hans again. I did find him at the greenhouse, but he had so bad news for . The real gardener had recovered, so he was no longer needed there after that day. The timing really was the worst possible.
He told that he works at the stables. And during all the gardening work, he has also done his duties at the stables too. Now that the real gardener is back, they granted him a couple of days off, and after that, he returns to the stables. He did give permission to visit him anyti I want, and I probably will at so point. Especially if Felix and Father Owen are absent for long.
I enter the garden and head to fill the watering cans. I imdiately spot the chess piece on the nearby bench. I have no idea how he does that, but every single day I have found his notes and pawns here or inside my room. And I am sure that pawn wasn’t there yesterday. Did he instruct so maid to place them? I walk there, lift the pawn, and take the note under it.
Are you a flower? Because I wanna Bee with you forever.
A faint smile tugs at the corner of my lips. He really is hopeless with these notes. I put the note in my pocket and shake my head.
No. Don’t smile at his creepy notes. I don’t want to be with him forever. I’m not planning to get engaged to him and be murdered by him. When the Selection ends, I will go back ho and return to my normal life. His declaration of wanting to marry really did shock to the core. I an sure, I knew he liked . But wanting to marry ? He really has so weird tastes if he really wants . The other candidates are so pretty and happy, so talkative and eager. They match much better with his joyful nature. Sotis I feel like I’m the total opposite of him.
I focus on taking care of the garden. Watering it, making sure there are no new weeds anywhere, and letting my magic flow. When I am finished, I go by the pond and take off my shoes. I go sit on the bridge and let my legs sink under the water. I lean my head back and enjoy the sun’s warm rays on my face.
I try to keep my mind empty, but I keep thinking about Felix. Why do I miss him so much? He has done horrible things to . I should be furious at him. I can maybe admit that I wanted to kiss him, just a little bit. But I definitely do not want him to do those other… vulgar things.
Unfortunately, I feel my body tensing only at the thought of his fingers rubbing against . Oh crap. Please forgive God. I apparently have no control over my body. Please give strength to resist him.
I open my eyes and suddenly see him sitting in the pond. Just like the day he fell into it. I just stare at him in shock. I’m sure this is one of his illusions, but if I’m seeing it, does it an he is back already?
“How are you here?” I ask.
“I’m not.” He leans forward and smiles at . “I’m just a spell that activated when you moved over it.”
“A spell?”
I thought that living this loop over and over again had made pretty knowledgeable about things. But while I have been here, it is clear to that I really don’t know anything about this world. I had no idea you could leave illusion spells like this behind.
“Do you miss ?” His gaze and smile affect way more than I’d like to admit.
I stay silent, not sure what to say.
“I take silence as a yes, since if you didn’t miss , you would definitely say that.”
Crap. That’s true. I should have just denied it. I was sloppy.
“You can admit it, I’m just an illusion after all. What harm will it cause?”
I stare at him. I guess he is right. But still, saying it out loud feels wrong. So I stay silent.
“Co on, Lo. Either admit it or I will co there to make you admit it.”
“Okay, okay! I might miss you, but just a little bit.”
His smile widens. “Just keep missing . I will co back to you. I miss you too, Lo. Way too much.”
My chest tightens, and I feel the redness on my cheeks. I should not care that he misses . It should not affect at all. I think it’s better to talk about sothing else.
“Is there more of these spells of yours here sowhere?”
“Yes. I placed them in places where we have seen each other.”
“Why?”
He chuckles. His illusion version of himself is so real that it is really hard to believe he is not sitting right there, hair and clothes all soaked.
“Just wanted to make sure you won’t forget . And have soone to talk to at least for a short while.”
“I have people to talk to!” I’m not just so pathetic ek girl who doesn’t talk to people.
“Really? Like who?”
I’m just about to answer when he continues. “And Milna doesn’t count.”
I close my mouth. Why doesn’t Milna count? That just isn’t fair.
“I talk to other candidates during classes,” I point out.
“What about after the classes? What do you do then?”
“I have been taking care of your garden, obviously. You asked to do that.”
“What else?”
“I have visited the church.”
“Anything else?”
What else? Why are those things not enough?
“Why the hell are you questioning like this? What does it matter to you what I do? You are not even here!” I snap at him.
He just laughs at my anger, and that makes even angrier.
“My pretty flower surely is cute when angry.”
“How does that spell of yours even work? How are you able to talk to like this?”
I change the subject since I don’t know what to answer to his sentence.
“You could say that I left part of here. So I’m like a copy of the real . I’m like at the ti I left this spell here. All the mories etc included. But beyond that I don’t know what has happened. When the spell ends, I return to the real .”
“How long does the spell last? And what does ‘returning’ even an?”
“Aren’t you quite talkative? Is it because you know I’m just an illusion?”
Am I? I guess I am. I do feel rather comfortable talking to him, but I’m not sure why.
“I don’t know,” I say honestly. “Answer my questions.”
“The spell lasts about ten minutes. And returning ans that everything that happens to while here will be transferred to the real .”
“What? Like he will find out what we have talked about?” I ask, shock in my voice.
He tilts his head with a smirk. “Yes.”
I kick my feet and splash more water on him. “You jerk! You should have told that first! Before you made admit—” I fall silent. Hell no, I’m not going to admit it again.
He just chuckles, and my chest tightens even more. “Admit that you miss ? Yeah, I’m going to be so excited to know that.”
“I don’t miss you, you jerk! You can just stay up north forever, I don’t care. You just blackmailed into saying it!”
“Sure, sure, whatever you say. And I’m not going to stay up north forever, since my life without you is like a broken pencil.”
“A broken pencil?” I echo.
“It would be pointless.”
He really is unbelievable. He glances at his watch.
“Two minutes left. Anything else you want to confess besides your longing for ?”
“Just tell yourself that I’m way happier now that you are gone. No more visions pestering , no more looming threats over , no more improper acts.”
“Improper acts? Do you perhaps an what we did—”
“Don’t say it!” I yell.
He raises his hands in the air in a sign of surrender. “Relax, I won’t. I promise. No vulgar talk, got it. Anything else?”
I fall silent, thinking for a while.
“If he is able to know what I said here, will I be able to know sothing from him too? Like in other spells which are here?”
“What would you like to know?”
I lower my gaze to my lap. “I was just wondering if everything is okay there.”
“Unfortunately, the communication doesn’t go the other way. But I’m sure the real will be absolutely ecstatic to know that you are worried about his well-being.”
I snap my eyes back to him. “No, don’t tell him that! I didn’t an it like that!”
He chuckles and slowly gets up and walks toward . I imdiately feel my heart rate quicken. He grabs my hand and gives a gentle kiss on the back of it.
“Take care, Lo. I miss you.”
Then he just disappears, and I watch the empty pond. My chest aches. I’m not sure what to think. For the first ti this week, I actually feel like I’m a little more alive. Why does talking with him make suddenly feel like that? And it was just an illusion. I should not be this affected by it. I get up, put my shoes back on, and start heading back to my room.
I should be mad, have at least so negative thoughts about all of that. But for so reason, I just can’t stop smiling.
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