After breakfast, I imdiately dart toward the church. I sohow need to cleanse my mind. Last night was horrible. I was consud by nightmares. Nightmares about Felix, about his touch, and about his… thing. I felt so guilty and embarrassed every ti I woke up. My body felt so hot and wrong. I need to feel calm and right again, so I hope that the church will provide with the peace I need.
I open the church door and find it empty. This ti, I don’t sit in the first row like usual. I go straight to the altar and kneel before the statue of the God of Creation, wanting to offer myself fully, really needing aid from God.
I plead for forgiveness: for being so weak, for feeling sothing so wrong, for not being pure. I don’t know what I need to do to earn God’s help to break my curse, but I’m absolutely sure that doing things like that with the Crown Prince isn’t helping at all. I’m not sure if the worst thing is the fact that he is a royal. That soone like should never tangle myself with the royals. I’m just nobody. Just a dull wet cloth or a can of still-warm water left on the dining table. Or is the worst thing the fact that he is a murderer? Well, maybe he is not one yet, but he will be. So I’m pretty sure God won’t appreciate getting involved with soone who will make Her creation plunge into civil war.
This whole loop has been so confusing. Everything is so wrong and so… lively.
Lively?
I linger on that thought for a while. But it’s true, my life has been rather lively after I ca to the palace. And the lessons have honestly been pretty interesting. I have actually enjoyed them. They have made a little guilty, though. Since I have lived this loop so many tis, there has been so much ti to learn about everything, to study different subjects. I could have gathered so much knowledge during my loops, but I haven’t. Not really. I have only sealed myself inside the temple, thinking only about devoting myself to God, as if that is the only right answer.
If soone else were cursed like , would they be able to deal with it better? Would they try to benefit from living the sa things all over again?
But on the other hand, what use does all that knowledge hold when the world doesn’t keep going, when everything just ends anyway? I have tried to search for knowledge about curses and the Devil, to find a way to break my curse. But there really isn’t anything. So my only hope is God. God is the most powerful being, so devoting myself to Her has to be the right choice. It has to.
“Is there sothing troubling you?”
I open my eyes and see Father Owen standing before .
“You could say so.”
He kneels down next to . “Want to talk about it?”
I don’t know. Usually, opening up to Father Owen eases my mind, but sothing makes hesitate. He takes my hand in his.
“It pains to see you this troubled. I want to help.” His voice is calm and warm.
I turn my head to look at him. He really is a good person. I wonder if I will ever be able to be good like him.
“Please forgive , I don’t want to make you worry. I just had a bad night,” I admit.
“Never apologize for sothing like that. What happened at night?”
“I had nightmares.”
“Nightmares?” He sounds pretty surprised, like he wasn’t expecting that. But I already said I had a bad night, so nightmares should be pretty expected.
“Yes. I woke up many tis and barely slept.”
“I’m sorry to hear that. What did you dream about?”
Embarrassnt floods when the mories from my dreams co to mind. And also everything that happened yesterday.
“Just about things I don’t want to experience.”
“Correct if I’m wrong, but you seem rather flustered. So did the dreams include sothing concerning your attraction toward that one man?”
The embarrassnt turns more potent, since he is right. I just nod. He lets out a chuckle. My eyes focus on him as I watch him laugh softly. I’m not sure why, but sothing about that just makes stare at him.
“What’s so funny?” I ask.
“Sorry for laughing. But I do think you’re rather cute being like that. I do try my best to help and understand your situation, your need to resist the attraction. But sotis doing that is rather hard.”
Cute? I don’t think there’s anything cute about having carnal thoughts about a murderer. I stay silent, not knowing what to say.
“Can I confess sothing to you?” he says.
His question honestly surprises .
“Of course. You have listened to my worries for weeks now. I would listen to anything you tell , Father.”
“I also have a rather big attraction toward soone I shouldn’t.”
His confession surprises even more.
“Why shouldn’t you have the attraction?”
His eyes drill into . “Mostly because the woman in question doesn’t want to receive my attraction.”
“Doesn’t she like you?”
“No. Not at all.”
“I’m sorry to hear that. Honestly, it’s hard to imagine soone wouldn’t like you. Your company is very enjoyable.”
“Well, actually… I don’t really believe that she doesn’t like . I think it’s more like she doesn’t want to like . She’s made this weird decision that she doesn’t want to have any relationship with a man. And now that she slowly realizes she actually might want one, she resists it. Wanting to stick to her previous decision and not change her path.”
“Oh… Well, I do think people should listen more to their hearts than reason. The lives of nobles are too bound by logic and contracts. When considering marriage, we hardly give a second thought to feelings. We only think about how much we benefit from it. So if there’s a chance to actually form a marriage based on feelings, people should go for it.”
“So are you saying that I should try to pursue her, even though she doesn’t want marriage?”
“If you really are sure that she likes you behind her resolution, then there’s no reason not to at least try.”
Just the thought of soone actually finding love makes happy. I honestly want other people to be happy. But for so reason, the thought of it also feels a little bitter. Maybe it’s because I can’t ever have that, find happiness. I do wonder what reason God had for blessing with eternal happiness when my life is so far away from it. It’s like my blessing is just there to mock . But God would never do sothing like that, right? She must only an good by it. But I myself ended up being a disappointnt and received a Devil’s curse for it.
“Hearing you say that does make a little more confident.” He smiles gently, eyes sparkling.
“Any woman would be happy to have a man like you. I hope she realizes that too.”
“What about you?”
“? What about ?”
“Would you be happy to have a man like ?”
His question throws so off guard that I choke for a while, not sure what to say or even think.
“I…” I fall silent. Would I be happy to have a man like him if my life were normal? I have always enjoyed his company. I’m sure Father Owen would be a great and loving husband. “It’s hard to answer since I’ve never even thought about marriage.”
“If soone fell for you, would you let them pursue you?”
I startle at the topic change.
“Well, I’d prefer not to, since I don’t want a relationship.”
“But you just said that I should pursue the woman I like, even though she doesn’t want marriage right now. What’s so different when it cos to you? Why does the man who falls for you get different advice than ?”
I fall silent again. I know what’s different, but I can’t just say it. Sotis I think it would be easier to just tell the truth, the truth about my curse. That I’m the reason this world keeps repeating itself. No one is able to reach a happy ending because of . Even if Father Owen got the girl he likes, what’s the point? I would still just die, and this loop would start all over again.
“It’s just different,” I say.
“Will you ever be able to trust anyone enough to tell the truth?”
I turn my gaze to him, even more surprised by his question.
“What do you an?”
He gets up to stand next to and reaches out his hand to help up, and I take it.
“It’s way too obvious you’re hiding sothing, so secret you’re too afraid to tell. Secrets are easier to bear if you can share them with soone. So I really hope you can eventually trust enough to share it. But since I don’t know the reason behind your words, I’ll only listen to your first advice, not until you give a real reason not to.”
I stare at him, confused. I don’t exactly understand his words, since my situation doesn’t concern his situation at all. So what does my secret matter to him? I keep silent, not knowing what to say.
He lets out a heavy sigh and continues, “I need to go. There’s sothing I need to prepare for the girl I like. And I do hope you follow your own advice too.”
“My own advice?”
“That you should also follow your heart more than reason.”
Follow my heart? What’s the use of that? Firstly, if I do that, I’ll never be devoted enough. And secondly, I’m pretty sure my heart is hollow. I don’t even know what my heart wants. I just want to end my curse so badly. I don’t want anything else. I just want to die soday without waking up ever again. That’s the only way for this curse to end. So I don’t dare to want anything else. I stay silent and watch him leave the church.
There is pain in my chest. I’m not sure why. But the pain is definitely there.
Reviews
All reviews (0)