30: Clarifying One's Heart
"Little Bai, what are you thinking about?" A-Fu waved her hand before Fu Peibai's eyes.
Fu Peibai snapped back to reality, her heart pounding like a drum. She didn't dare look at Lu Yanran any longer. Her gaze shifted away in a panic as she stamred, "Peak Master, I, I'm going to wash my face."
Without waiting for Lu Yanran's response, she took off running. She ran through the forest where tree shadows mottled the ground. She didn't know how long she ran until she burst out of the woods and a deep, secluded lake appeared before her eyes. Only then did she stop.
She knelt by the lake, scooped up water with both hands, and splashed it hard against her face. But the cool lake water couldn't quench her burning heart no matter what. She plunged her head into the water, holding her breath until the very last mont before suddenly lifting her head, gasping for air in large gulps.
She didn't know what was wrong with her. Why had she just imagined the Peak Master saying such words to her? Why was her heart still beating so fiercely now because of those four words from her fantasy, as if it wanted to leap out of her chest? Why was she so afraid of losing the Peak Master?
Why, why? Her heart was full of questions with no answers. Or perhaps, she didn't dare to face that answer.
She sat weakly by the lake, looking at her own reflection on the water's surface under the moonlight. That face was more spirited than ordinary girls, with a thin, high nose bridge and facial contours much sharper than most won. Dressed as a man, almost no one would notice that she was actually a woman.
She picked up a small stone and threw it at that illusory reflection. The face reflected in the lake imdiately shattered, rippling outward in circle after circle.
She curled her lips, wearing a thin smile that seed both mocking and bitter.
What, just because she dressed as a man, did she really think she was one?
She sat by the lake blowing in the wind for half the night. When she returned, Lu Yanran and A-Fu had already fallen asleep leaning against tree trunks. The other guards slept in a slightly farther area.
The fire in the bonfire pit had diminished considerably. She approached with light footsteps, added so firewood, and then gazed at Lu Yanran's lovely face in the dim firelight. She stared at the sleeping woman, studying her brows, eyes, and features with deep attachnt.
She didn't want to admit it, but in her heart she had to. She had indeed developed improper feelings for Lu Yanran. A woman falling in love with a woman, how absurd, how laughable. She could never voice this unspeakable affection. She couldn't even imagine how disgusted Lu Yanran would feel if she discovered that she was disguised as a man and had developed such unnatural feelings for her.
Fu Peibai couldn't bear to imagine that scene, let alone accept it.
After blowing in the cool wind for most of the night, she still couldn't extinguish the newly ignited fla in her heart. But she could choose to bury this emotion deep in her heart forever, never letting it see the light of day. She would remain a subordinate, or even a friend, and at most, nothing more than a kindred spirit. As long as she could stay by the Peak Master's side, take care of her, and protect her, that would be enough.
She walked over and sat down beside Lu Yanran. There was only an inch of distance between them. She could reach out and touch her, but she didn't dare, and she couldn't.
The flas crackled as they burned the branches. She tilted her head and watched Lu Yanran like this, thinking that her expression now must be just like how her father used to look at her mother. She suddenly understood what it felt like to have soone you loved. Her heart felt as if it had been stuffed into a honey jar, producing emotions both swollen with sweetness and tinged with sourness. She would feel happy because of it, worried because of it, sad because of it. She couldn't help but hope, yet inevitably felt disappointed. Love truly was a wondrous thing.
She watched like this for a while until a cool night breeze blew past. Only then did she hurriedly remove her outer robe and carefully drape it over Lu Yanran. Then she walked to a tree a short distance away, sat down, and slowly closed her eyes.
After sleeping for about two or three hours, Fu Peibai heard A-Fu calling her na. "Little Bai, wake up. We need to set off."
When she opened her eyes, she was still a bit dazed. She subconsciously looked toward where Lu Yanran had been, but that spot was already empty. She then lowered her head to look at the outer robe that had been draped over her at so point, pressed her lips together, and stood up.
The others had also risen one after another and were packing their belongings and extinguishing the fire.
"Sister A-Fu, I'm going to wash my face to wake myself up."
"Go ahead. Be quick."
Fu Peibai returned to the lakeside. The golden light of sunrise reflected on the lake surface, making it glitter. She felt sowhat dazed. She sighed, quickly washed her face, and returned to the caravan.
After sitting beside Xing Guang, she leaned against the carriage and closed her eyes, looking deeply troubled.
The caravan began to move. A-Fu tugged the reins and rode her horse forward a few steps, asking with concern, "Little Bai, what's wrong with you?"
Fu Peibai opened her eyes and forced a smile. "Nothing. I just didn't sleep well last night and want to catch up on so rest now."
"Speaking of last night, you said you were going to wash your face, but you didn't co back for ages. I fell asleep later on."
"I practiced so martial arts in the forest while I was at it."
"Alright then. Rest a bit. We should reach Xingyang City this afternoon." A-Fu rode back to her original position after speaking.
Fu Peibai had indeed not gotten enough sleep last night. Added to that was the sudden realization of those dark, unclear feelings in her heart. Her thoughts were in chaos, and her head ached. Just as she was about to close her eyes to sleep, she heard a voice from inside the carriage.
"Fu Peibai."
Her whole body started. She realized this seed to be the first ti the Peak Master had called her by her full na. The voice wasn't loud, the tone had no undulation, and it couldn't be called gentle. Yet sohow, being called like that suddenly gave her a trace of joy in her heart.
She turned around and asked, "What is it, Peak Master?"
"Co inside and rest."
Her mouth fell slightly open. She was extrely conflicted inwardly. Rationally, she warned herself not to go in, but emotionally, she naturally was more than willing. After hesitating for a mont, she still said softly, "No need, Peak Master. I'll just doze out here."
She had just turned back around when she heard the voice from behind the carriage curtain again, this ti carrying so coldness. "Do I need to co out and invite you?"
"..."
Helplessly, she could only bend down and climb into the carriage. The mont she entered, she was surrounded by that familiar faint fragrance. She felt sowhat intoxicated but quickly sat in the position farthest from Lu Yanran. She sat properly, her back straight as a board, hands placed on her knees, gazing straight ahead.
She could feel an examining gaze cast upon her body. She unconsciously gripped her knees tighter, her heart anxious.
This gaze didn't shift away for a long ti. Being stared at made her uncomfortable. She said with difficulty, "Peak, Peak Master, what's wrong?"
Lu Yanran knitted her brows, her expression seeming like she wanted to say sothing but held back. After a mont, her expression returned to calmness as she said indifferently, "Nothing."
Fu Peibai said "oh" twice in succession and continued sitting properly.
Lu Yanran's original intention was to let her co in and rest, but how could she relax? She sat there properly and stiffly for several hours until the caravan drove into Xingyang City and went to an inn in the east of the city to stay. By coincidence, the inn they were staying at this ti was the sa one where, months ago, she had knelt in the stables begging Lu Yanran.
After securing rooms and storing their luggage, she ca to the stables. Looking at this place, she recalled the scenes from that ti, feeling quite emotional for a mont.
She was standing in the stables reminiscing about the past when a human voice suddenly rang out behind her. "What are you looking at?"
It was Lu Yanran's voice. Fu Peibai turned around in a panic. "Peak Master, how do you walk without making any sound?"
"Did I startle you?"
Fu Peibai shook her head. "No. I was just looking at this place and thinking about the past, wondering what would have beco of if the Peak Master hadn't given a chance back then."
"But why was the Peak Master willing to give a chance back then?"
Lu Yanran didn't answer imdiately. She looked at this familiar place, and mories seed to pull her back to several months ago as well. At that ti, they had set out from Huailiu toward Xingyang City. She had known all along that Fu Peibai was following behind them, but she hadn't paid it much mind. The hot blood of youth would be worn down after a few days. But to her surprise, she saw Fu Peibai again in the stables that night.
A dark, thin youth, disheveled and malnourished, with black mud under the fingernails. Yet those eyes were as bright as stars in the sky, begging her to give her a chance. She had a vague feeling that this person was unpolished jade, a treasured sword covered in dust. Surely there would be a day when its sharp edge would be fully revealed. Inexplicably, she had tossed out the jade pendant. After entering the mountain, the more she interacted with her, the more she felt she hadn't misjudged the person. Fu Peibai possessed sothing rare in the world, sothing very precious.
"Peak Master?" Fu Peibai saw that Lu Yanran seed lost in thought and spoke softly.
Lu Yanran ca back to her senses and said casually, "I gave the chance, so I gave it. There's no particular reason." After saying this, she left.
Fu Peibai felt sowhat disappointed. Though she didn't want to admit it, she had indeed been expecting Lu Yanran's answer just now. What was she expecting? Nothing more than words like "you're different from others," things that would make Fu Peibai feel she was special. She gave a self-mocking smile, laughing at her own wishful thinking.
At dinner ti, Fu Peibai didn't stay at the inn to eat. Instead, she went to Old Man Wen's courtyard. After being away for several months, she could finally co to visit old friends.
When she arrived, the courtyard was quiet. After knocking, no one answered inside. She pushed open the small wooden gate and entered the courtyard, discovering that the room was pitch dark, as if no one was there.
She thought about standing in the courtyard and waiting for a while, but feeling rather bored, she began to wander around, looking at the stove, the herb room, and the well.
Suddenly, a loud shout ca from behind her. "You little thief! Take this!"
Fu Peibai's entire body went on alert. Her ears caught the sound of wind whistling toward her from behind. She subconsciously twisted her body to dodge. Her attacker suddenly struck empty air and, unable to stop his montum, fell straight to the ground.
The person on the ground was about to get up and fight again when Fu Peibai, seeing that familiar back, relaxed her defensive posture and said helplessly, "Ding Yi."
The young man on the ground froze, then suddenly rose to his feet. Ignoring his disheveled state, he lunged at Fu Peibai with a shout.
"Little Bai!"
Fu Peibai didn't refuse, letting him embrace her fully. From behind ca an old man's surprised voice. "Little Bai? You're back?"
Being climbed on by Ding Yi's hands and feet, Fu Peibai could only turn her head with difficulty, smiling as she greeted Old Man Wen. "Uncle Wen."
Old Man Wen, carrying wine, strode forward with evident joy. "Oh my, oh my, it really is Little Bai. It's only been a few months, yet it feels like we haven't seen each other for years." As he spoke, he noticed Ding Yi's actions and scolded with narrowed eyes, "You brat, what are you doing? Little Bai is a young lady. Don't you understand that n and won should not touch hands when giving or receiving things? Get your filthy paws off her right now!"
Ding Yi released Fu Peibai, scratched the back of his head, and grinned broadly. "I was just so happy to see Little Bai that I couldn't help myself for a mont. Besides, seeing Little Bai dressed like this with such bearing, who could tell she's a young lady?"
Fu Peibai laughed heartily. "It's fine, Uncle Wen. We're children of the martial world. We don't concern ourselves with such things."
Old Man Wen stroked his beard and laughed. "Hahaha, well said, a child of the martial world indeed! In just these few short months, you've actually acquired quite the bearing of a martial artist. Not bad, not bad."
"Co, tonight we'll welco Little Bai properly. My treat," Old Man Wen said with great generosity.
"No, Uncle Wen. This al should be my treat no matter what. Back when I had absolutely nothing, if not for you and Ding Yi helping , I wouldn't be where I am today. I must pay for this al."
Old Man Wen didn't fuss about it either. He said boldly, "Alright then. Since you've put it that way, this old man won't decline any further. Co, co, let's go drink."
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