"Blegh." I vomit a black liquid into the toilet in Ayane’s house. The viscous fluid splashes into the bowl as I struggle to breathe.
"...Dammit..." I wipe my mouth with a tissue and flush, feeling nauseous and utterly exhausted. My head aches terribly from the nightmares and the mories I received.
I know what’s happening. This is Number 0’s plan to make lose control. Every ti I sleep, I have nightmares of Ayane betraying , so I kill her, kill myself, and travel back in ti. But along with these nightmares cos an extre exhaustion that forces back to sleep from sheer fatigue.
Yet these aren’t simple dreams. They have such an absurd level of detail that I can’t tell if it’s a dream, to the point where I question if this isn’t a vision of the future, since Number 0 possessed incredible temporal powers.
But the worst part is not knowing whether I’ve already truly killed Ayane or not. Each dream, each vision where I killed Ayane, feels real, and it’s driving insane.
And one of the most damaging parts for my mind is the satisfaction I feel whenever she dies—that sense of mission accomplished when I kill her after she betrays . This satisfaction is painfully addictive.
Because I love her, and I feel that if she betrays , then she must be punished for it. Yet, I think I really did kill Ayane. I’m not sure, but I believe the last dream I had was reality, and I killed her without truly aning to.
And it hurts so much. I feel my heart shattering into pieces every ti that dream happens. Even that attack that will happen a few years from now was sothing Hexael carried out following the plan list that Number 0 made.
I honestly don’t know what to do. Isn’t this unfair to ? I did everything to protect Ayane, but ironically, I’m protecting her from the suffering that I myself caused her in the first place.
It’s horrible to know that all the monsters who abused her, all the suffering she endured, every pain she felt, only happened because I exist.
And it’s no use killing myself. First, because I’ll just go back in ti, and second, because if I truly die, nothing happens. I’ll just reincarnate again, and Hexael will try the sa thing once more.
’I hate this...’ I vomit the sa black liquid again. For so reason, this black sludge keeps coming out of constantly, whether through my tears or when I just expel it from my body.
I feel...violated. The love and obsession I have for Ayane was never truly mine. It was all from that strange, insane demon. It isn’t logical. It has no motive, and there’s no reason for this love to exist.
I have that demon’s mories, and it only loved Ayane because "why not?" There was literally no reason for it. It just saw Ayane, beca temporarily interested in her, then got bored, and when Ayane stopped it the mont it was about to reset everything, it just decided that it loved Ayane.
Of course, not even Hexael knows everything behind this. In my mories, there’s a desire that always existed, and this is kind of the only logical thing about why Number 0 started to love Ayane.
That infinitesimal thing is the desire to "die" for real. Number 0 was a demon that couldn’t die no matter what, but also always knew the future. This made her an insane, crazy demon who did everything for the sake of "entertainnt."
Ayane isn’t the reason that demon truly wanted to play this stupid reincarnation ga. Ayane was just the trigger. Number 0 had already thought about killing all the demons and angels and reincarnating as a human long before she t Ayane.
However, Number 0 thought doing that wouldn’t be any fun, because she would still be superior to humans and would one day beco a demon again. So she wanted an entertainnt that would never end.
It was from this line of thinking that the feeling of "I love Ayane" erged. It was never love. It was pure boredom. Number 0 just gave what she thought was a way to never be bored again.
She made my life revolve around Ayane. She glued this sick thought of protecting Ayane and making her mine at any cost, again and again, no matter how many tis.
She replaced boredom with obsession, judging that this would destroy the boredom, because I would always have sothing to think about. And this fills with self-loathing.
Because my love isn’t genuine like I always thought. I always knew my love was wrong, but I always rationalized that even if it was wrong, it was still pure.
But with Number 0’s mories, I now know that the "pure" love I had was rely a ans of entertainnt. Can I really call this love? What’s the point of loving soone just because you were bored?
And does this "love" even really exist? Did love exist in this at any point? I have no way of knowing, and because of that, I feel sick about everything I’ve done. Even my limited capacity for emotions was only because I’m the reenactnt of that monster who never felt anything for anyone.
And even the disgust I developed at being touched isn’t sothing of my own. It’s sothing from that monster who never liked being touched by anyone unless she allowed it.
And this makes wonder, do I truly exist? And what am I if everything I have isn’t truly mine? Even who I was before has now been erased. The flood of mories has completely covered over the human life I once had.
Number 0 made a point of trying to erase completely, and she’s succeeding. I don’t know how much longer I can remain rational like this, or how long it will be before I cause irreparable harm to Ayane.
I end up vomiting into the toilet again. At least this sli isn’t corrosive, so Ayane won’t even notice anything.
"I need to get out of the bathroom..." I’ve been in here too long. I can’t let Ayane see in this wretched state.
’I just need to pretend everything is fine... I-I should be able to fix everything... I have power now... If I kill all the monsters and distance myself from Ayane, maybe I can stop this cycle...’ I lie to myself as I stand up, unsure if I can stop this at this point.
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