Complicated Feelings
Whenever Christopher thought back to Joan, he felt his heart physically ache. As such, he always did his best to not think about her, which usually consisted of him distracting himself through various tasks and burying those feelings away.
However, despite his best efforts, the thoughts still resurfaced from ti to ti, like now.
And they were particularly fierce this ti.
A myriad of emotions ran through Christopher at that mont, but the most significant ones were confusion, loss, anger, hope, and bitterness.
He felt confused because he simply couldn't understand why she did what she did.
From the get-go, she had been such a sweet and upfront girl and never bothered to hide her feelings. If she wanted to say sothing, she would say it. She couldn't be said to be blunt, but she was definitely honest and practically wore her heart on he sleeve.
That's why Christopher knew sothing was off when he called her that rainy day. Her tone and manner of speech all seed perfunctory. Sure they were well articulated and the average person wouldn't be able to tell the difference, but he noticed imdiately. However, he never said anything about it because he wanted to believe that she had a genuine reason for lying to him. That he had nothing to worry about.
And yet he saw her kiss another man. Why would she do that? The way she interacted with him from day one, and all their subsequent interactions, the way she confessed, and the days after that. Had it all been a ruse? But why? He was a broke bum who would have offed himself at so point as his life seed to have no purpose.
Why go through all the effort? Making ti to et him, giving him encouraging words on his worst days, going out of her way to make him smile and laugh, and more. Had it all been a ga to her? What was she trying to accomplish? Were his struggles just so form of elaborate amusent to her? Sohow, he doubted it, but that also gave way to the other emotion he was feeling, loss.
The impact of her betrayal left Christopher lost. He hadn't been lying when he told Han that the only reason he was still alive was because of Joan.
He had drowned in his self-pity for the majority of his life, lanting and wallowing at how shitty it had been. An orphan with the bare minimum of education, a dead-end job with practically no future in sight, no friends, barely surviving on his own, and all his efforts always ended up falling through, causing him to find solace in things like novels and ani.
His life had been filled with darkness that at that point, ending it seed like the only viable option.
But when Joan appeared, it was like the first ray of light had touched his soul, like his heart experienced the beauty of rain after suffering in the desert for years. Whatever analogy could be used, that's how he felt. She gave him direction and made him feel like there was actually sothing to look forward to, sothing worth _living_ for.
His bleak outlook on life finally stopped, and he started trying again. He stopped being scared of failure and started going out of his way to improve. Because to him, only two things mattered, being with her, and deserving to be with her.
Just being close to her made him feel as though there was nothing else that mattered. As long as he could see that beautiful smile of hers over and over, then he could be fulfilled.
But he knew he couldn't just sit around. And so he did what he could to beco deserving of the affection she showed him. That's also why he asked her to repeat herself so many tis when she first confessed. He couldn't comprehend the idea that soone so beautiful, both on the inside and the outside, could love soone like him
So when he witnessed that scene of her kissing soone else, it felt like he was thrown right back into that darkness. No direction, no guidance, just that sa blindness he'd been living in for his entire life. One filled with loneliness and pain.
Then ca the anger.
Again, why? If she didn't love him anymore, if she decided he was no longer worth the effort, why would she cheat? If you no longer love soone, then tell them and break things off with them. Why cheat? Why act as though everything is the sa and only set up the partner for heartbreak when they eventually discover the truth?
It was a concept he couldn't wrap his head around. If you didn't like soone then just say you didn't like them. Why lead them on? Why pretend?
And yet sohow, Christopher doubted that was the case.
Which then gave way for the hope.
As ntioned before, Christopher knew Joan well enough to know if she was lying or not. That's why when she said she couldn't et up for the date that day, he instantly knew sothing was off.
However, before then, and after, he never doubted that she was speaking the truth. At most, she would simply say she didn't want to talk about sothing, which usually revolved around her family.
That's why, when he was dying, and he used his dying breath to ask her again if she loved him, through her tears, he knew she was telling the truth. Every apology and every proclamation of love was genuine. And the pain and regret in her eyes were genuine as well.
That's why he still wanted to find her despite everything.
And then ca the bitterness.
'If they can cheat on you once, they can do it again.' That's a line Christopher heard nurous tis while doomscrolling on his phone and seeing guys destroying their bodies at the gym after horrible heartbreaks.
Statistically (Yes, statistically.) People who cheated before have significantly higher chances of cheating again. Sure, there were so exceptions, but that's all they were, exceptions.
Christopher had already acknowledged how foolish he was. After all, he was in a new universe with endless opportunities, with an overpowered system by his side and allies many couldn't hope to make in their lifeti. People who were genuinely loyal to him and people who genuinely cared about him.
Compared to his past life which was dull and empty, this new one was all he could ask for and filled with more color than he thought possible.
It was everything he asked for.
And yet that yearning didn't vanish. No matter how much ti he spent with his companions, no matter how much he upgraded his Dinsion, how much he fulfilled his patent desires like creating his personal army, that yearning still ate at him like a persistent leech that refused to go away.
He still found himself wanting to see her smile, hear her laugh, feel her touch. He still desired her, and he hated it.
He hated that, despite betraying him, despite how strong and significant he had beco, she still had him hooked around her finger, desiring her like a lost puppy.
'Joan... what did you do to ?' He asked no one in particular as his emotions beca even more turbulent, and if not for his mask, his Aura would have erupted and decimated the surrounding area. Enjoy more content from empire
In truth, Christopher had considered using his Dinsional ability, Dinsional Transcendence the instant he got the ability. After all, it allowed him to transport the Primordial Expanse through planes, Dinsions, universes, and so on.
The only reason he hadn't done so was because he needed an energy signature of his desired destination before he could go there.
So he could enter the Void at any given ti since he had an abundance of Void energy, not that he planned to do that any ti soon.
But he had no energy from his universe, and apparently his soul didn't count since according to the system, it had been 'cleansed' the mont it left his universe.
So unless he had sothing he could use to track the position of his original universe, he had no hope of finding it. Unless he wanted to blindly transport the Dinsion, which wouldn't work for obvious reasons.
As such, Christopher was feeling incredibly frustrated, by the fact that such a seemingly small issue was preventing Him from finding Joan.
But he was even more frustrated with himself for getting frustrated for not being able to et the woman that was responsible for his death.
Granted, he genuinely wasn't all that mad at her for getting him killed, the first reason being that, if he hadn't died at the mont he did, he wouldn't have reached where he is now and t the people he has.
As for the second reason, well, that little girl would have died because of that car. And Christopher would have done the sa thing even if he wasn't burdened by Joan's betrayal. So he never regretted saving the little girl.
But that was besides the point, Christopher hated how he was feeling, but no matter what he did, the feelings didn't go away, and only seed to get stronger with ti. And that scared him, as he didn't know what he would do if he snapped. But he had an idea, considering what had happened with the terror tarantula back then.
This ti, he kept his thoughts locked in his heart, so neither his weapons nor Aisha knew what he was thinking about, just that they knew he was thinking.
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