There was only so long I could avoid Amber for – not that I rembered why I was doing it anymore. It had sothing to do with how I’d felt after we had sex, like I’d let her in on my feelings in a way that was scary and overwhelming, but it was hard to put a label on it all.
Not to ntion the way she’d rejected unprompted afterwards, when I’d been at my most vulnerable.
Or how I’d built up years worth of teasing material for myself, going from proudly telling her I’d wait until marriage to having casual sex with friends in a handful of days.
Not that I have a choice, I need it to survive!
I pointedly ignored my unnecessary expenditures of magic that made my feeding co more often, as well as the knowledge that I could sustain myself off of cuddling and friendships if I was frugal.
Anyways, Amber caught during my late-afternoon lunch again on Wednesday, much like she had the previous Tuesday. This ti I was indoors, sitting at the counter in a ran shop on campus, slurping chicken noodle soup – or miso ran if you wanted to be technical about it. Although I didn’t need regular food, it still helped, and it was tasty, so I’d been eating at least two als most days.
I hadn’t even considered Amber would find here, on a rainy day where there weren’t many people out, in a place I didn’t frequent, but she had her ways.
“Lily.” She stood next to my chair with crossed arms, glaring at .
That was another new thing – I’d started attending classes as Lily. Ms. Morgan had included the na and gender marker change forms in her email, and after filling them out, I was now Lily Taylor, the officially registered demon – at least on campus.
I still hadn’t picked a new major, sothing I would need to do before the end of the sester, but I was making progress. Weirdly enough, I’d gotten a few surprised – but polite – comnts about my gender change from classmates I knew in passing, but it was about the fact that I was a woman, rather than the sudden speed of the process.
I glanced at Amber and slurped my broth before finally responding. “Hey Amber.”
She sat down when the seat next to freed up, and leaned on the counter, still glaring. “You’ve been avoiding .”
“I’m sor–”
She cut off by grabbing the collar of my new won’s t-shirt, leaning in and snarling into my face. “Tell , Lily, did you an any of the things you said about us having sex being aningful?” Her head tilted sharply in ti to her question, “Or was it all bullshit, vapid nonsense to fill your ego until you had an excuse to do it without any of the consequences? Just fuck and then never talk to again?”
“...” I winced. “I’m sorry?”
She sat back and schooled her expression, crossing her arms. “Let’s hear it.”
I stared into my remaining broth, not really feeling hungry anymore. “So, first off, I’m sorry for how I blad you when I transford, that wasn’t okay.”
She nodded, “And I’m sorry for being impatient about it, I should’ve tried to help you more. But you were being an asshole so…”
“Yeah, I was… Um, I’m also sorry about running away from you.” I ran a hand through my hair, wishing I could fidget with my tail. “I just kind of assud you hated and you’d written off.”
Amber sighed. “Lily, I certainly don’t love you.”
I turned away, feeling inexplicable tears forming in my eyes. Stupid hormones.
She waited to continue until I’d composed myself and returned to staring sadly into her deep hazel eyes. “But I don’t hate you either. I don’t really know how I feel about you anymore, but I would like a chance to find out – to get to know Lily, if you’d let .”
I threw myself into her arms, awkwardly hugging her from below her tall stool. “Okay,” I whispered.
—
Amber ended up following to my dorm afterwards, apparently not trusting that she’d ever see again if she left. I’d half expected to have sex once we got there – despite the fact that she'd said we wouldn't do it again – but we just chatted instead.
She asked why I was still in the n’s dorm, and I explained that because of bureaucratic nonsense, and because I’d done so of my registration in the middle of the sester, it wouldn’t be until next sester that I would be properly reassigned to a new dorm. I’d been offered the option of moving out to one of the ergency housing options the school offered, but, for as much as Evan annoyed , he’d never made feel unsafe.
I also listened to her tell about how her classes were going. I didn’t understand any of the specifics, given that she was a biochemistry major, but it was nice to hear that she was enjoying herself and still found her classes to be engaging, even in her third year.
Regardless of how much she enjoys it, that’s probably not the major for …
Eventually, the conversation started winding down, and it was getting to the ti where humans needed to go to bed. Sitting on my desk chair while she sat on the edge of my bed, I felt a surprising sadness that she’d be leaving. I couldn’t pin down why I wanted her to stay – it wasn’t that I was hungry – but the prospect of being alone with my worries was daunting.
She stood, apparently ready to leave. “Well, Lily, I had a nice ti today,” She gave a look, half-teasing and half-annoyed, “Don’t run away from again.”
I nodded slowly, wondering if I should ask her to stay.
That would be too selfish, given how I’ve treated her.
We shuffled side-by-side through my living room, both taking tiny steps, moving as slowly as possible. She turned to when we finally reached the door, waited for a mont, and then pulled into her arms.
“Lily, we can’t have sex again.” She whispered into my ear, her tone sad and resigned.
I understood the feeling, like everything about our romantic relationship had collapsed and doing anything to poke at it would be dangerous or hurtful. I nodded.
A too-short hug later and she let go, waving goodbye as she walked out the door.
I felt suddenly alone, as if the buildup of us andering to the door and her lingering at it wasn’t enough to prepare to face my own thoughts.
C’mon don’t I have everything figured out already?
Of course, I wasn’t even close to done; there were still many questions left to answer.
Was Mom a succubus? Does that an my dad already knows about my demon-ness? Will he be fine with it when I co out, then?
I laid down on my bed, staring at the ceiling in the dark, unable to get the questions out of my head. I already had the truth mapped out, intuited from all of the details I’d picked up, but of course I didn’t want to admit that; it felt good to have room to hope.
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