For a while, Ashley didn’t respond. Koi, desperate to know what expression he was making, held back and hugged him tighter.
It was the first ti he had ever spoken about that day. A mory he had spent his whole life trying to forget. But now he dragged it back up, squeezing his eyes shut, willing himself not to lose his nerve—praying that, sohow, this wouldn’t make Ashley hate him.
“Our whole family was in the car... I was ssing around with my brother... We were both in the backseat, strapped in...”
He drew in a trembling breath and forced himself to continue.
“I don’t rember exactly. I think I was just really excited, or maybe I was being a little shit. I was tugging at my brother’s seatbelt—we were playing, wrestling—and I unbuckled his seatbelt.”
The arms holding Ashley started to shake. But Koi didn’t let go. He clung tighter.
“I didn’t an to do it, I think... I don’t know. My mom turned around to scold us—and then, out of nowhere, a truck hit us from behind...”
The mory hit him so vividly that he couldn’t speak. His mother’s scream and the sound of sobbing echoed right beside his ear like it was happening now.
“I hit my head... and I lost my sense of sll. My brother... he died.”
Koi opened his eyes, voice quivering. ❖ Nоvеl𝚒ght ❖ (Exclusive on Nоvеl𝚒ght) After taking a long breath, he slowly let go of Ashley. Ashley sat up as well, looking at him. The sun had already set, and dusk had settled around them.
Under the early moonlight spilling through the window, Ashley’s face was lit with a hazy expression. Koi looked at him and pressed on, mustering his courage.
“After that, Mom and Dad fought all the ti... Mom left. Dad’s been drinking ever since. And Mom, when she left, she told ...”
It took everything he had to say the next part. His fingers clenched together so tightly they turned white. He forced the words from his throat.
‘“It should’ve been you.’ That’s what she said.”
Koi bowed his head, unable to bear seeing Ashley’s face. Staring only at the floor, he kept going.
“Whenever Dad’s drunk, he hits . Says I look too much like Mom... That he gets angry just looking at my face. ...He wasn’t like that when my brother was alive. He didn’t drink like this, and he never hit us.”
I’m sorry, Hyung. I’m sorry, Mom. Dad. I’m sorry.
I’m so sorry I’m the one who survived.
“I’m the reason my family fell apart.”
Koi whispered the words like his voice was fading.
“Those two dollars... the ones I always carry around... Mom gave them to .”
He went on.
“It’s the only thing I have left from her. My dad tore up all the photos, burned them...”
But even when he’s drunk, he still cries out for her.
“So I just... figured it was normal. That it was okay for him to hit .”
“There’s no such thing as it being okay to hit soone. Not ever. Even if it’s your father.”
Ashley finally spoke. Koi looked up hesitantly and saw his face twisted with disgust. Whether it was because of Koi’s words or not, he wasn’t sure—but sothing about it ward him.
“Thanks.”
His nose tingled, and he quickly sniffled. Ashley reached out to wipe his cheek, but Koi shook his head and declined. Then, he spoke again.
“You’re the first person I’ve ever told this to.”
Ashley frowned.
“...Why are you telling this now?”
He wanted to hold Koi tightly, but he restrained himself and asked.
He wanted to know Koi’s story—but not like this. He’d imagined them sharing their pasts in a calr mont, with more ti, more trust built between them.
So there had to be a reason Koi brought it up like this. Ashley couldn’t ignore the bad feeling creeping in. Instead of hugging him, he took Koi’s hand. In his large palm, Koi’s hand felt small and fragile. Koi stayed silent for a mont, then took a shaky breath and spoke.
“Your dad’s secretary.”
Strange. Koi’s own voice sounded distant, like it was soone else talking. Even though he was the one saying the words, it felt like he was just listening from sowhere else. He watched his mouth move like it didn’t belong to him.
“She said I was mistaken. That I don’t actually like you.”
The hand holding his stiffened. Koi kept his head down and continued.
“She said... because my dad doesn’t love , and because you’re the only person who ever has... I’m confused. That I don’t really like you. That’s why I haven’t manifested.”
“What the hell does she know?”
Ashley couldn’t hold it in anymore. The fact that soone had dared to say such things while he was unconscious—he was furious. Who did she think she was, saying that kind of thing? What the hell could she possibly know about Koi?
“I’m the only one who loves you? What a load of crap. You know that’s not true. Bill does. Ariel does. Everyone loves you. If they didn’t, they wouldn’t spend ti with you.”
Then, Ashley added quickly,
“Of course, I love you more than any of them.”
“...Thanks.”
Koi looked up with a fragile smile. But when Ashley saw the look on his face—on the verge of tears again—he couldn’t hold back anymore. He pulled Koi into his arms and whispered,
“Don’t keep that kind of garbage inside. Your feelings are yours alone. Right?”
“Yeah.”
“You really do love . Don’t you?”
“I do.”
Koi nodded again at the question.
“You’re the only one I have.”
“Then that’s enough.”
Ashley ran his hand along Koi’s back, comforting him.
“Don’t let the words of soone who doesn’t know anything get to you.”
“...Okay.”
Koi replied again, but he couldn’t stop himself.
“It’s true, Ash. I love you.”
“I know.”
This translation is the intellectual property of Novelight.
“It’s not because I don’t love you that I haven’t manifested.”
Even Ashley’s calm tone couldn’t soothe him this ti. Koi pressed on, voice picking up speed.
“I don’t understand it either. Why my body’s like this. Maybe it’s because I can’t sll. Maybe that makes less sensitive to your pheromones. Maybe there’s sothing wrong with my brain. I’m probably just... broken. Yeah, that’s gotta be it.”
The sob he’d held back surged up. Koi bit his lip, let go, and finally let it out with a sharp breath.
“It’s not that I don’t love you. It’s my brain that’s ssed up.”
“I know.”
Ashley forced himself to stay calm, to keep his anger down.
“I thought the sa thing. That you didn’t love . That you were rejecting .”
He wanted to find that secretary and make her pay for what she’d said to Koi—but right now, Koi ca first.
He couldn’t stop picturing Koi’s terrified, pale face as he’d tried to hold him back before Ashley lost control. So he swallowed the urge for revenge and softened his voice.
“It’s ridiculous. If soone could stop a manifestation just by sheer willpower, what the hell are mutations supposed to be?”
He ant it as a joke, but he wasn’t wrong. Ashley’s own father had forced a mutation that made soone resistant to pheromones—turned a gamma, the most immune type, into sothing else. And it wasn’t even that rare. A beta resisting an extre alpha’s pheromones? Just because of how they felt?
Utter bullshit.
“ too.”
Koi muttered, breathing unevenly.
“I wish I had manifested too.”
“No.”
Ashley cut him off imdiately. Koi was right. The accident had damaged part of his brain—blunted his response to pheromones. And honestly, that was a blessing. At least Koi wouldn’t have to go through any of this. Ashley was constantly at the rcy of his biology. Koi didn’t have to suffer like that. Even if he never understood Ashley completely, that was fine.
I’ll take it all alone.
Ashley told himself. It’s enough if I’m the only one who suffers.
“You don’t need to prove your love by manifesting. It’s okay. I know how you feel.”
He ran a hand down Koi’s back and kissed the rim of his ear.
“You know it too, right? That we love each other.”
Koi stayed quiet for a mont—then gave a small nod.
“I do.”
“Then that’s enough.”
Koi never needed to know how painful it was to purge pheromones, or how bleak it felt to face a lifeti of being ruled by them, or how terrifying it was to think that they might soday drive him insane.
Ashley would never tell him.
Koi already carried enough weight. He didn’t need Ashley’s on top of it.
I can’t say it.
Ashley made himself a promise.
I’ll never say it.
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