After all, sotis humans are scarier than ghosts.
...
[May 9]
Last night I lost control; it was the first ti I felt fear, fear that I would harm Huilan just like I did to those maids before.
Upon waking and seeing Huilan unhard, I held her and cried for a long ti.
Why was I born a freak? Why can’t I be a normal person like Huilan?
I loathe myself, I don’t want to continue living like this.
In the past, I lived through gritted teeth because of hate; I wanted my existence to be a thorn in the side of those who detest , including my parents, my grandmother, and Qing Yang.
But now, I want to die because living poses a danger to Huilan; if she were to be hurt even slightly because of , I would be tornted by guilt.
I should just die. If there is a next life, I plead before all ghost gods to let be a normal person, if only I could know Huilan again.
But a sinner like , if dead, would only fall into Hell, right?
[May 10]
Huilan slapped ; she cried, telling everyone wants dead, but she doesn’t.
It was then I learned how that night Huilan saved , she got caned by Nanny Wang, who serves my grandmother.
They barely managed to obtain human blood, only for Qing Yang to push down and break the jar filled with it, with poison already added inside.
In the end, Huilan released her own blood for , enabling to survive that night.
I told Huilan that a freak like doesn’t deserve to live; that among the graves in the courtyard, many maids died due to my loss of control, and if I don’t die, she would beco one of them.
Yet Huilan said I’m a good person, not a freak, and that I’m just ill.
She said I should continue living because through life there is hope.
She said if I wished, she could save money, and once we have enough for travel expenses, she’d take to escape from Ming Mansion.
To see the world outside, and to find the ’Bell Doctor’ who is said to resurrect the dead and heal the bones of the living.
I am willing, how could I not be? If there truly exists soone who can cure , I’m willing to pay any price!
Of course, beside Huilan, I won’t allow anyone to harm her.
I asked Huilan if she would call ’elder sister’, and if no one loves her, then I shall.
From then on, we’re no longer master and servant, but sisters!
[May 11]
I killed soone, the first ti I’ve proactively killed.
Nanny Wang’s blood slled foul, just like her scent, but the terrified faces of my grandmother and the maids in her court brought joy.
The truth is, they never imprisoned ; it was I who empathized with their hardships and chose to confine myself in Hidden Moon Pavilion.
From now on, I shall let everyone know that I am not to be trifled with; to bully Huilan is to oppose !
Huilan cried and begged not to do this.
How could I refrain?
Didn’t she say the elder sister should take care of the younger one? If I don’t act, her kindness and weakness will only lead to her demise.
...
[June 1]
Since that day, Huilan refuses to call sister.
Today we received our monthly salary; I asked Huilan to save it all so that we have enough for travel costs, then we can leave Ming Mansion as soon as possible; I don’t want to stay here another day.
If there’s no food, I can eat bamboo shoots for every al.
Huilan laughed at , saying this season, the bamboo shoots are gone.
If Huilan didn’t object, I could steal my mother’s jewelry and sell them.
Huilan says, even if we leave Ming Mansion, we need to live, we can’t spend our whole lives stealing; we should learn to earn money and live with dignity.
She taught to make paper flowers, fold ingots, cut paper money...
She also taught to recognize wild vegetables and various mountain goods, and to make simple traps. She said her grandfather was a hunter before moving to Dongyang County, teaching her many things while alive.
I want to go to the back mountain with Huilan to dig mountain goods and set traps.
Huilan agreed.
Why does she feel like my sister?
No, I need to show my elder sister’s deanor.
...
[June 16]
Today’s lunch had at; I asked Huilan to save so; without bamboo shoots, I can still survive on wild vegetables and water.
Huilan said that after the fifteenth day of each month, I beco weak; she wants to have more supplents to regain my strength.
She persuaded .
Today, Huilan finally made a sun-covering cloak, saying she’d take to the back mountain tomorrow.
I asked Huilan if she was afraid.
Huilan laughed, saying now she walks freely in Ming Mansion, and nobody dares to bother her; others avoid her like the plague, and she has never felt so powerful.
Lately, Huilan smiles more, she has grown bolder, and isn’t afraid to say my ghost stories aren’t good.
Are they really not good?
[June 17]
After returning from the back mountain, I find it hard to sleep.
The experiences today are too wonderful; I fear forgetting them if I fall asleep.
Huilan and I collected many mountain goods, and she taught lots of rules for walking in the forest; as long as you rember them, you’ll be safe.
We picked many wild fruits, and I even fell from a tree once.
Huilan was right; I am frail and need to help her more, or I won’t be able to keep up with her in the future.
Huilan collected many dark grasses, saying they can be used as dye; she’ll help dye my hair and eyebrows black later, and with the veil on the bamboo hat covering my eyes, no one will think I’m a freak anymore.
Unable to sleep, I went to count how much silver coin we’ve saved.
...
[July 1]
I never imagined soday I, the dignified eldest daughter of the Ming Family, would be so concerned about my monthly salary like a miser.
Thinking about the past deductions from my salary makes my heart ache.
Today I wore the cloak Huilan had made and sneaked out; I saw the man again, holding a Straight Blade, full of Evil Qi. (Note ②)
He is my father’s friend, an officer in the Evil Suppression Bureau.
Every year before the Mid-Autumn Festival, he cos to Ming Mansion to find my father to discuss Nie God festival matters, and afterward, he stays in the shrine on the hills for a while.
That man makes feel very dangerous, very terrifying.
Huilan ca back!
At night, we counted the silver coin, and Huilan said it was enough to hire a carriage to Wangshan City.
Huilan hesitated a bit; I know she can’t bear to leave her sister, but I don’t want to leave with that leech; only by leaving her can Huilan truly live for herself.
Huilan understands this, and finally, she agreed that after the Mid-Autumn Festival, we would escape.
These days I’ll sleep with the money box; this money must not be lost.
...
[July 10]
Huilan won’t leave; she wants to save her sister, but who can co save ?
When she didn’t want to die, she saved , who wanted death.
Now that I don’t want to die, she wants to go to her death.
Why does others’ fate have to be borne by Huilan?
Why must Ming Mansion’s sins fall upon ?
What did Huilan and I do wrong to be punished like this?
It’s ; it’s all my fault; I laugh at Huilan’s weakness; am I not weak?
I survive by drinking the blood of innocent people; I know every year Ming Mansion sacrifices nine innocent girls to Nie God, but I have done nothing about it?
Because of Nie God’s presence, I can survive; this is my sin, so the heaven’s punishnt for is here.
Huilan ca to bid farewell; I asked her to call her elder sister one more ti.
She didn’t.
I know, she doesn’t want to defy the Ming Family for her, doesn’t want to bear the sha of being unfilial.
But what is filial piety?
Is it like Huilan, like , is this filial piety?
Huilan, even if you no longer call elder sister, you are still my only sister, Ming Wanxi.
It was you who told an elder sister should protect her younger sister, so this ti, I will protect you.
Even if it’s the Ming Family, even if it’s Nie God, they cannot take you away.
I absolutely will not allow it!
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