Volu 3, Chapter 1: Yearning
It seems that there’s such a thing as a “once-in-a-lifeti, intense love.”
I don’t know if I read it in a book or saw it in a movie or on TV. I don’t rember the details. But I think I heard of such a story a long ti ago.
A once-in-a-lifeti, intense love.
It sounds good, but it doesn’t feel right for one simple reason.
Why does it have to be a “once-in-a-lifeti” thing? That’s what bothers .
I think that love is all about doing your best every ti. It’s hard to say that it’s the universal truth, but for , it held sowhat true.
I’ve been in a relationship only once. I was a sophomore in high school and the person I dated was a senior of mine. At that ti, I was in the baseball club and she was a pitcher for the softball club. I was attracted to her, and after a few months of agonizing about it, I confessed my feelings to her.
I rember her as being cheerful, yet she had a mysterious air about her.
I think I was attracted to that unscrupulous duality before and after my relationship with her.
Not to ntion, she had no restraint when it ca to sex. A few weeks after we started dating, she asked if we could start having sex, as if it was a matter of course.
I was confused, but there’s no way a high school boy could suppress his sexual desires when he was being pressed by a senior he’s really in love with, so I just went ahead and did it.
Of course, I didn’t think it was a bad thing. To be united with the person you love, both physically and ntally, is an incredibly joyful thing, and I was very excited about it at the ti. My senior was really good-looking and quite popular at school, so many of my friends were jealous.
However, my relationship with her ended abruptly when she graduated from high school.
I stopped hearing from her. She didn’t send any ssages, and she didn’t reply to any ssages I sent her.
I can’t see her, and I can’t contact her either. It’s what’s called “ghosting1.” As a high school student, I didn’t have enough money or ti to look for my senpai and chase after her, so I was left heartbroken.
A year after she graduated, I was often absorbed in my thoughts while I was thinking about her.
I really liked her, and I intended to continue our relationship even after she graduated. That’s why I had gone far as to have sex with her. It was my way of proving to her that I was serious about our relationship going forward.
But whenever I thought about the fact that she must not have felt the sa way about , I felt empty. There was so much discrepancy in the way she and I viewed love, and I hadn’t noticed it until the day our relationship ended.
Just like that, my first relationship ended with bitter mories. I spent my college years studying hard. I looked for a job, and then I t Gotou-san.
I don’t need to remind myself of what happened from there.
I fell deeply in love again. Although it took a long ti to figure out how to approach her because of my work commitnts, I continued to admire Gotou-san with the sa intensity for the last five years.
Since this cannot be categorized as a love relationship, I don’t feel comfortable calling my feelings for her a “once-in-a-lifeti, intense love.”
If this “intense love” only happens once in a lifeti, wouldn’t I have had it by now with my high school girlfriend or with Gotou-san?
In retrospect, I can’t say which one was more intense.
In any case, this is the second ti I’ve fallen in love in the sa way. Aside from the fact that this love may or may not bear fruit, I can’t imagine my answer to the question “Will I find love again?” In fact, I might even answer “No.”
“So, what about ?”
I heard a voice behind and turned around to see Sayu, the high school girl I was living with, standing there.
“What do you think of ?”
“What… I think?”
When she saw stamring, Sayu smiled and tilted her head. Her hair, which had fallen to her shoulders, hung down smoothly as if succumbing to the effects of gravity.
Sayu was a sudden and unexpected presence in my life. I’m her temporary guardian.
The relationship between Sayu and I is obviously illegal, but it’s not the kind of relationship where sex is involved. It wasn’t my goal, nor was that kind of feeling awakened in .
“But lately, you seem to be thinking more about than Gotou-san.”
I can’t believe Sayu said that as if she had known what was in my heart.
“What are you talking about?”
“You had your chance when Gotou-san ca over but you made et with her. It’s weird. If you had kicked out, she would have been alone with you, and you could have done lots of things.”
“No, that’s…”
That’s what Mishima had told before. But at that ti I didn’t think of it that way. Instead, I thought that if Sayu was going to stay at my place from now on, I should make sure to explain all of it to Gotou-san.
“Does that an…”
Again, Sayu said that as if she knew what was in my heart.
“That you want to be with more than Gotou-san?”
“W-what? No way…”
“Hey, Yoshida-san.”
Sayu smirked as she called to .
“What am I to you, Yoshida-san?”
*
“…shida-san. …Hey. Yoshida-san!”
“Hmm?”
My body quivered and then I opened my eyes. I squinted as a considerable amount of bright light entered my vision.
As I moved my gaze, I saw a high school girl standing next to the bed.
“Good morning.”
It was Sayu, the girl who lives with . In my blurry vision, I couldn’t see the details of her expression, but it seed that she was smiling.
“…Good morning.”
“Sohow, you wouldn’t wake up at all today. You usually wake up in a few minutes after I nudge you.”
“…Is that how it is?”
“I tried calling out to you and nudging you, but you still wouldn’t wake up. I’m sorry, I had to shake you so much.”
“Nah, if you hadn’t woken up, I’d be late…”
I guess I slept with my mouth open because my throat was dry, and my mouth felt unpleasantly sticky.
“Were you having a nightmare?”
“A nightmare?”
When I tilted my head at Sayu’s question, she nodded.
“You sounded like you were in pain.”
“Hmm… a nightmare, huh?”
I tried to rember what was it, but my mind’s a bit hazy.
I did have a strange feeling though that I had been having a conversation with soone just before I woke up. But I couldn’t rember what it was about.
“…I can’t rember anything.”
“I see. Oh… hurry up and get out of bed. If you don’t hurry, you won’t have ti to eat breakfast.”
“Okay.”
As I was slowly getting up, Sayu gave a small nod before making a short run to the kitchen. I could hear the sound of the pot on the stove being lit.
I got up from the bed and stretched widely.
The breakfast she had prepared was already on the table. I saw Sayu, who was stirring the pot of miso soup with a ladle while heating it, but she didn’t notice that I’m looking at her.
Living together with Sayu has beco so natural.
But she’ll be gone soon, and she’ll return to her normal life.
It’s what’s good for both of us, and at the sa ti, it’s the right thing to do.
These thoughts spun around just monts after I got up. I shook my head.
What am I feeling guilty about now? This relationship was wrong from the start. I knew it was wrong, but I went along with it anyway.
I must help Sayu get back on the right track.
For her sake as well as my own.
I hurried to the bathroom and washed my face with tap water.
The cold water made feel as if my consciousness, which had been foggy since I woke up, was finally clearing up.
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