The instructor, whom I hadn’t seen in a while, was dressed in a black suit. Given his large fra, it seed like the suit didn’t fit well, but it didn’t look ridiculous either. With his solemn expression, no one would think it looked out of place.
“Before we go up, let’s talk for a mont. Do you rember the resting place up top? Go ahead, I’ll catch up with you soon.” “Okay, I’ll wait there.”
There weren’t many places that could be called a resting area in this graveyard. The one we often visited was a quiet spot at the foot of the mountain, away from people. There was a nice shade from the trees and a bench.
A cool breeze blew from the shade. As the unique scent of the forest filled the air, the instructor arrived, holding a large box in both hands.
“What’s in that box?” “It’s... a bit hard to call it your parents’ belongings.” “...?” “It’s sothing they left with before the accident. It’s not sothing your parents used, so it’s not technically their belongings, but I thought it was sothing aningful, so I kept it carefully.”
My parents passed away several years ago. Why now? The question arose, but I didn’t ask it out loud.
It was the instructor’s decision. Surely there must have been a reason.
Perhaps... it was sothing I wasn’t supposed to see years ago.
As expected, the instructor didn’t betray my trust.
While I waited, the box was opened.
Inside were a carefully wrapped wooden sword and a gi. Even I could tell they were valuable, luxurious items. The instructor, cautious about damaging the wrapping, handed them to .
The gi was too large for now... it had been tailored for the physique I had in the past.
“This was sothing I received a few hours before the accident. I had planned to inspect it to see if it t the regulations before handing it to you. There wasn’t any problem with the gear... but I never got around to giving it to you.”
I closed my mouth tightly. There was no choice but to.
It was an obvious story.
I wasn’t good at expressing my emotions.
This trait had been inherited from both my mother and father, so when it ca to gifts, they always seed a bit awkward around .
I probably felt the sa now.
They had never shown off their generosity in front of , but I’m sure they made call late at night to thank them for sothing. I would have said, “What is this for? I’m still using the good stuff you gave .” And even as I said that, I’d have been smiling to myself – if the accident hadn’t happened.
The accident took away the chance to express my thanks. My parents didn’t leave a single scream behind.
I had fallen, broken, and weak, unable to ever hold a sword again. I lost my family, and my dreams were burned to ash.
“I didn’t want to stir up any more wounds, so I couldn’t tell you. But seeing you improving... I thought one day you’d get back to it. I thought about it a lot, even the day before the finals. Still, I wanted to give it to you.”
The last ti I saw the instructor, he told that my expression had improved a lot. He must have searched for since then.
In the Arena finals against Cerberus, I held the sword. But I couldn’t control my collapsing mind, and I made a fool of myself. What did the instructor think when he saw ?
His pupil, holding the sword, struggling.
It was certainly not a sight to be proud of.
“Dah-eun, you still can’t hold a sword?”
“I’m sorry. As your pupil, I keep showing my flaws.”
“Don’t apologize for that. I didn’t call you here to bla you. If you hate the sword, you can hate it. When you think about your life ahead, the sword is not such a great thing.”
The instructor I knew had spent his life with swords. He had a great reputation as a player, and now as a coach, he earned much respect. Naturally, he took great pride in his swordsmanship.
For him to say that the sword wasn’t such a great thing, that it was okay to hate it...
It hurt a little inside. I hated myself for making him say such things.
“Dah-eun, I want you to shake off everything and get back up. The old you would have found it hard, but now I think you can do it. That’s why I called you here.”
Swords had a special aning in my life. It was the first thing I ever wanted to do. I learned what I was good at and what I wanted to do in the future. The wooden sword was like a landmark pointing the way forward in my life.
That’s why I ran, not knowing how tired I was.
I wanted to get better. I wanted to win. I wanted to defeat the opponent I had already beaten, more perfectly. For those I couldn’t defeat, I wanted to crush them completely and put them in their place.
Once I found the path, the rest seed like smooth sailing.
While I ran, I was happy. Every mont felt aningful.
Son, I’m too busy today to have dinner with you.
I’ve left so money for you, so order sothing nice.
Don’t skip als! I really wanted to have dinner with you, I’m sorry~
Love, Mom.
anwhile, swordsmanship was my way of seeking affection.
Even when my parents were busy, they always did their best for . Still, I often felt it wasn’t enough.
Even as a child, I knew that complaining to my parents wasn’t right. It would only make things more difficult for them, and I knew that happiness gained in such a way wouldn’t last long.
So it was only sotis. For example, on days I had important tournants.
On the days I could prove all the effort and ti I had poured into sothing, it was enough to ask for their affection.
On those tournant days, my parents ca. Whether I won or lost, I spent ti with them, and they loved . That was enough. That happy ti was everything.
That’s why even now, I occasionally dream about it, and when I wake up, I cry.
To , swordsmanship was my goal, my ans, my dream, proof for my lost friends, and my happiness with my family. Swordsmanship was everything to .
But now, I couldn’t hold a sword.
I love you, my son.
I love you too, Mom. But every ti I think of you, my throat itches. The left side of my neck, where you used to stroke , it’s so itchy and painful... I wish it hurt so much that it bled.
If my body hurt, maybe my mind would feel at ease.
But I know I shouldn’t do that.
I held back, wanting to be praised. Where are you now?
I know why I’m like this. It’s because of that unfortunate accident – but no matter how much I repeat it, that thought won’t go away.
It’s all my fault.
I should have stopped doing swordsmanship. I should have stopped complaining. If I had lived like everyone else, not chasing that foolish dream, none of this would have happened.
Can I say it was just an unfortunate accident? Is it sothing that couldn’t be helped?
It’s because of that they ca. Can I really say it wasn’t my fault?
My selfishness and my pursuit of happiness, did it not harm them?
Was my unhappiness truly not a punishnt?
I love you, my son.
When I hold the sword, Mom’s voice doesn’t leave .
Her love hurts too much. I’m hurting more because it’s love I destroyed.
I’ve lost the love I had. It must have been buried so deep inside my heart.
Why didn’t I know how great her love was?
Now that I’ve lost it, a huge hole has opened, and I can’t fill it. My heart is torn apart, aching.
But the worst pain is...
“Instructor, you’re wrong about sothing.”
“Tell .”
“I didn’t hate the sword. I don’t hate it.”
I still love the sword. Even after everything that happened – losing my loving parents, my dreams burned away – I still love the sword.
The reason I didn’t cut off my immobile leg earlier was perhaps because of so hope.
Hope I couldn’t let go of, even though my life was a ss.
I still want to win. Every day, I analyze my weaknesses, and my mind is filled with thoughts of overcoming my opponents.
That’s why I was happy when I won the Arena and IKL.
I wanted to overco the sword and kept logging in, dying repeatedly, but...
Despite losing everything because of my selfishness, I still can’t let go of it.
It’s terrifying, isn’t it?
“I think you knew. That I used swordsmanship as an excuse to complain. You were smart enough to know. I didn’t have what it takes.”
“I vaguely rember saying sothing like that.”
“Right? That’s why I can’t forgive myself. You knew, and even though you were troubled, you listened to my complaints. But because of …”
“Enough.”
The instructor’s hand pressed firmly against my neck.
It was a neck massage he used to do often.
But now, it felt a bit painful.
“I didn’t know you were still thinking like this. You were more fragile than I thought. I’m sorry I couldn’t notice.”
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