Chapter 191: This is Not Enough
What you’ve gained after a loss.
How people feel.
I regret that I didn’t tell them, so I want to tell them now, and I strengthen my resolve because I don’t want to lose them again.
They realize how precious it is again and repeat it.
However, there are so people who look at other people’s reactions, compare themselves, and lose their center.
Which one am I?
It’s late, and the bluish moonlight illuminates a corner of the infirmary.
“How long will you stay there?”
Zetto asked.
“Miss Kaen.”
I peeked out of the window, unable to enter the room.
There was no escaping Zetto’s senses.
I hadn’t made a single breath, but he’d been aware of my presence long before.
“How long have you known?”
“Well, Ms. Kaen’s body language can an a lot of things, so it’s easy to recognize.”
“…”
“Aren’t you going to co in?”
“I’m comfortable here.”
This is my place, I thought.
A lot of thoughts went through my head as I processed my feelings and the reactions of others.
No tears ca to my eyes.
It wasn’t anything to be sad about because he was alive again, breathing again, even if for the most ridiculous of miraculous reasons.
I was satisfied that he was alive.
I couldn’t help but cry in his arms as I thanked him for bringing back to normal and told he was sorry.
But it also felt foreign.
It was strange that I couldn’t cry normally.
I wondered if I was emotionless.
Was I too calculating?
Maybe the bond I’d built with him was shallow.
Whatever the reason, I knew one thing for sure: I had been left behind.
So I figured my place was here.
Not next to him.
Not by his side.
Just enough to spy on him from a distance.
That was good enough for .
I hadn’t even tried to approach him but now I realize that I should have known better.
I would never be able to replace the people who had bonded with him before , the people who had created stories.
It was a conclusion I reached after cold, hard calculations.
This was not a defeat, it was my victory.
In any case, he’s back, and I can stand here again so I have no complaints.
“…By the way, wasn’t the infirmary on the second floor?”
“I can stand if I step on a gap in the wall.”
Then I hear the rustling of the blankets on Zetto’s bed.
His feet touched the ground and he was coming toward .
Soon, Zetto is standing with his hands on the window sill, and he opens his mouth.
“It sounds like you’re going to be uncomfortable.”
“…It’s not uncomfortable.”
Zetto, who had been scratching his head at my answer, suddenly stood on the window sill.
“It’s dangerous…!”
Undeterred by my shouts, Zetto ended up sitting on the window sill with his legs dangling out the window and pushed the less open window aside.
Then he made a spot next to himself and patted it.
As if to say sit down.
As if that was my place.
As he tapped on the window sill, Zetto was clearly saying.
“I should be resting…”
I sat down next to him without thinking as his unspoken pressure was irresistible.
“What do you think? This is much more comfortable, isn’t it?”
“……”
“Much more like a colleague.”
“Colleagues…”
I hadn’t really felt like a Colleague lately, since nothing had happened.
The window sill was a little cramped and I was pressed up against him.
I wondered if it was because of the distance that had narrowed in an instant.
Without realizing it, things that I hadn’t been able to talk about were coming out of my mouth.
“…I thought I knew Cadet Zetto well.”
“That’s right.”
“I knew secrets that others didn’t, and I knew how much stronger Cadet Zetto was than he appeared to be, but…”
I was shocked.
The news of his death had stunned .
“…I really didn’t expect this news. This was only the second ti since I took up the sword that I lost my composure. The first ti I lost my composure…”
“When was the first ti?”
“When I lost to Cadet Zetto.”
“…Ah.”
“And then to be miraculously revived…I guess that’s the third ti, if you want to count it. Cadet Zetto really is incalculable.”
“Do you need to calculate?”
“…Because that’s how I’ve always lived my life. I know it sounds arrogant, but I’ve always thought I could make the world go my way.”
Driven by desire, I sought stimulation, I wanted it, and I created it.
I calculated, judged, bent people to my will, and elicited the responses I wanted.
But Zetto was different.
He was unexpected and unpredictable.
I was not in control and that made even more interested in him.
I wanted to understand him.
I wanted to know him.
I wanted to take him.
I wanted to covet him.
In this harsh world where force is all that matters, I had t the absolute strongest man in the world, a man nad Sword Saint, and had grown up with an absurd amount of force from a young age.
“Unlike Cadet Zetto.”
I grew up with no shortage, no lack.
Aside from my grandfather’s grueling training, I never experienced adversity or hardship.
And so life beca simple and monotonous.
“I heard that you’re not leaving the academy. You’ve already died and been brought back to life once, and you’ve lost an arm. A normal person would have retired sooner rather than later.”
I didn’t have the sa goal of continuing my cause so I had no reason to step forward.
It wasn’t so much that it was wrong as it was that it was different. I could clearly see the difference between right and wrong, but it was still very different.
Zetto raised his head, as if to gaze into the night sky, and his mouth opened.
“Is it bad to live simply?”
“…What?”
“Is it bad to be driven by desire?”
“That’s…”
“I don’t think I’m any different than Ms. Kaen, I’m just moving forward for my own desires.”
“…What is Cadet Zetto’s desire?”
What is his desire that allows him to move forward despite being so worn and tattered?
“To make everyone around happy. That’s my desire, that’s my need…That’s what drives .”
“……”
Zetto turns to and smiles.
“And Ms. Kaen, of course, is included in that ‘everyone’.”
“…To?”
I blurt out, a strange outburst from the suddenness of it all.
It sounded like sothing I’d heard before, and yet it tickled my fancy.
“I don’t think it’s bad to live simply, to follow your desires, as long as you’re happy.”
Zetto holds up his hand to .
“And this…you left it behind. I recognized it because it was a touch I rembered. This ring belongs to Ms. Kaen, right?”
On the ring finger of Zetto’s right hand is the ring I had given him in his honor.
It was also the ring he had given before.
Well, it was a ring that didn’t an much, just a reward for killing a blood mage.
“Uhm…Can you help with this?”
He didn’t need it now that he was back so he was struggling to pull the ring off, now that he only had one hand left.
I swallowed my bitterness at the sight and helped him remove the ring.
“Haha, I’m not used to it yet…Thanks.”
With that, the ring was out of Zetto’s hand, and his hand that was holding it went to my left hand.
“I’ll give it back to you, it’s Miss Kaen’s ring.”
“So, I think you’ve got the wrong finger…”
But the ring was on the ring finger of my left hand.
Rings have different anings depending on the finger they are worn on.
Among them, the ring on the ring finger of the left hand… This was significant, to say the least.
Zetto tilted his head at my bewildered words.
“Is sothing wrong? I can’t see anything, so I don’t know.”
Zetto smiled, a wry, knowing smile.
There was no way he didn’t know.
There was no mistaking it.
“……”
I looked down at the ring.
It wasn’t encrusted with expensive gems, but I couldn’t think of anything more valuable, anything more precious to .
Then Zetto’s voice rang in my ears.
“Is Miss Kaen happy now?”
“…I think so.”
“It’s hard to tell?”
“…I’m not sure either.”
“Then how do you think Ms. Kaen, who has lived a simple life, can be happy? What desires make you happy?”
In the middle of this conversation, I suddenly rembered what I had heard from Kaliman.
‘Have you told him how you feel…?’
I did but it wasn’t the sa.
The Zetto in front of now was breathing, the sign of a living, breathing person.
“…”
He waited for my answer.
“I don’t know. Desire…”
I wondered what my desire was.
What is my true desire, outside of reality, outside the realm of calculation?
What could I do to be happier?
At that mont, I see Zetto’s moist lips on mine.
Even in monts like this, my desires are so simple and honest.
The corners of my mouth twitched upward as I realized how trivial and funny it was.
I told him my true feelings.
I told him what I hadn’t been able to tell him.
“To kiss Cadet Zetto… that’s a desire.”
I was greedy.
Of course, it’s just a very personal desire, so even if it’s not accepted, just by telling him my heart…
“…”
Without another word, Zetto leaned in and kissed .
“Are you… happy?”
Zetto asked.
“No…”
I was so happy, I felt like I could hardly breathe.
“…It’s not enough.”
I kissed him again.
The kiss was long and deep as if the world had stopped.
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