Red.
Warm.
Liquidy.
Tasty?
There is blood on my face.
The back of my head hurts, it is resting on a crude surface. Ground isn't supposed to be so hard for fucks sake.
And if that wasn't enough, my nose is broken.
My jaw has been dislocated.
My ribs are now a jazz instrunt.
Each breath sounds like a saxophone solo.
Everything hurts.
Last ti I felt this much pain was when I was beaten up by a bunch of oldies at a funeral because I tripped and fell inside one of their friend's coffins while the real dead man remained on the side.
But fuck the past.
This guy Malthus is a monster.
What kind of punch was that? It hurt like soone dumped a constipated elephant's poop on .
Even my comparisons are getting worse.
"My lord!"
I saw soone running towards .
My legs couldn't move. They are twisted.
I raised my head a little and as I suspected, it was Erect.
This is one true friend.
"My lord!"
"Don't shout. My ears are on strike."
He ca to my side and sat down.
"You are alive?"
"Yes."
"Tch."
"Did you just click your tongue?"
"Must be your imagination, my lord."
"Don't lie. I heard it."
"Fine. Yes. I did."
"Why?!"
"If you die the war ends. No more risk. I was thinking for the benefit of the kingdom."
I changed my mind. This guy is a false friend.
"Don't give that crap. You are only thinking for yourself."
"As usual, your mind is the sharpest."
"Just give a hand, dammit."
"Sure. Whose hand do you want?"
This son of a—
"Your mom's."
"My lord?"
"Shut up. You are the only one here. Of course I will ask for your hand."
Erect frowned. "I am not the only one here, my lord."
My heart sank.
"Who else is here? Don't tell . Malthus ca back?"
I spun my pupils around like a hamster on cocaine.
"No. That guy is not here. If he was, you wouldn't be seeing ."
Dude, stop revealing yourself as a false friend. You already did that once.
But if Malthus isn't here..
"Then who else is here?"
"Your head is resting on them." Erect revealed and I instantly stood up.
To hell with the pain, my body will heal in a couple of seconds, but I can't allow myself to give my head on a platter to an enemy.
I turned—and saw him.
"What the fuck are you doing here?"
This was the first question that ca to mind.
"Greetings, Human friend. Long ti no see."
"Don't give that. No wonder I found the ground rougher than usual. I was out there battling that fiend and you are out here chillin like it's a school picnic."
The pillow was Sexis. The Alien King. The right testicle of Shakespeare.
My head was on his stomach and the bastard was reeking a foul stench too.
"Don't be so jumpy, my friend. There was no such tradition of picnics in my school."
"So you are living that wish in the middle of a war?"
"Of course not. I am not chillin here, I must tell you."
"Then how the hell did you arrive here before I ca flying? That's the only logical explanation for my head being on your road of a village for a stomach."
"Hoho. That's a good one."
"Don't try to cool my anger by praising like that. I want an answer."
"Fine. First, heal yourself."
I nodded.
My body heals naturally but I can fasten the process by using a skill.
I didn't use it before as I wanted to rest a little more.
But alas, no rest for the wicked.
'Use it.'
[ Skill 'You look hurt, I can fix that.' Activated! ]
A yellow light washed over and little by little, everything healed.
My nose. My ribs. My hands. My jaw. My legs.
Everything ca back to normal.
I stretched my neck, left and right, and finally, glared at Sexis.
"Explain."
Sexis sighed. "It's a long story."
"How much ti will it take?" I asked.
"It will take..." Sexis furrowed his brows, seriousness hovered around him and I gulped.
How long will it take? I am nervous. Answer , Alien.
"One whole minute."
...
"You know what? Just share it. I am tired."
Sexis nodded.
He inhaled deep and began talking.
"When the war officially broke out, the soldiers clashed fiercely. I was there too, poised to strike—until Malthus suddenly shouted, 'Wait.' Both you and I paused, and in that mont, Malthus turned the entire sky into Netflix. Anyone capable of such madness—I wanted no part in it. So, before anyone noticed , I dove straight into a trash can.
I remained hidden in that dustbin, carefully hopping and creeping away from the battlefield. But before long, you ca soaring out of nowhere and dragged along. We were flung far back. You landed on top of , resting on my stomach, while I lay sprawled on the ground. That's all there is to it."
Sexis explained his 'long story' and now he stared at and Erect.
I didn't say anything but Erect surely had sothing to say.
"Um, what's netflix?"
I rolled my eyes. "Not now."
"Not now?" Erect questioned. "Malthus turned the sky into not now? What are you both talking about?"
"Hearken to , dearest companion," Sexis spoke as he stepped forward. "There lies a celestial sphere nad Earth, wherein its denizens have fashioned an ingenious contrivance called Netflix—a grand archive of visual spectacles and episodic chronicles, ticulously crafted for the sole purpose of indulgent diversion."
"Now what is he talking about? Contraption? What is going on here? We are at war!"
"Both of you, shut up!" I have had enough.
They both went quiet. Finally. Peace.
Silence.
Rest—
WHOOSH.
A wind howled behind us.
Then ca the voice, deep and booming:
"BRING THE HUMAN KING!!"
THUMPP!
Malthus landed like a teor.
And just like that...
All hell broke loose—
Just like the elastic of my panties.
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