Malthus Theorem. The Red Man. The walking apocalypse. Right now, I was pinned under his right leg while the Alien King, Sexis, dangled in a chokehold from his left hand.
And if that wasn't bad enough, my ADHD ass couldn't resist throwing a dad joke his way. The result? Malthus pressed down harder.
Honestly, that's on . But speaking of dad jokes, I just rembered another:
A man is washing his car with his son.
After a while, the boy asks, "Dad, why can't you just use a sponge?"
...
Anyway, back to my impending death. If I don't do sothing, there's going to be a hole in my chest, the exact shape of this bastard's foot. And I don't want that. People might get the wrong idea about my hobbies.
I glanced at the Heroes behind . They were hurriedly looking left and right.
How sweet. They must be looking for a way to save . I'm flattered that they don't want to get flattered—literally.
Except... Why wasn't Erect doing the sa? He just stood there, eyes locked on Malthus.
"I can't find anything!" one hero called out.
" neither! But there has to be sothing!" another added.
"Yeah, soone must have made sothing like that," a third chid in.
Wait... what exactly were they looking for?
I cleared my throat. "Everyone, there's no need to search for a way to save . I'll be fine. Your concern ans a lot."
Silence.
Every hero snapped their heads toward , frowning.
"Huh?"
That huh was perfectly synchronized. Almost impressive.
"...What? You were trying to save , right?" I asked, suddenly unsure.
"Wha—no! We're not idiots!" one of them snapped. "We're looking for a basent!"
"...A basent?"
"Yes! You, our supposedly almighty King, are currently getting stepped on! If you are struggling, we're all going to die the mont he swings his dick in our direction! Our only hope is to hide."
"You little shi—" I paused. "...Actually, you make a fair point."
"Exactly! And besides, you said you could save yourself," Yate reminded .
I sighed.
At least Erect wasn't like them. He was the only one who didn't run off looking for a—
"Thanks, Erect, for standing by ," I said.
Erect frowned. "Huh?"
Not you too, man.
"Why are you 'huh'-ing?" I asked.
Erect straightened like a soldier. "It was who ordered them to find a basent, my lord. I also don't want to die via dick."
Da fuck?
I need new subordinates. Supre Man, please send a fresh batch. These ones are past their expiration date.
[ Forget them. First, get out of there. You can't die like this! ]
Right, right. I exhaled and turned back to the heroes.
"You won't find any basents or bunkers," I inford them. "If there were one, I'd have found it first and stashed so children inside."
The heroes' shoulders slumped.
And then, from above:
"You would have done what with children?" Sexis croaked.
"Relax, I was kidding. And you're in a chokehold—you shouldn't be talking."
"As if you're any better."
"True."
Malthus, evidently fed up, roared, "STOP YOUR JOKES! I AM YOUR DEATH!"
His spit rained down on us.
I wrinkled my nose.
Sexis, however, stuck out his tongue and licked his own face clean.
This guy gets off on weird things, I swear.
Annoyed, Malthus tightened his grip on Sexis' throat and pressed his foot harder against my chest.
Okay, now it is getting bad.
This guy ca here expecting an action-packed battle. He ca to the wrong universe. This is a slice-of-life setting, for fuck's sake.
Sexis, despite everything, declared, "What... shall we do now? We must confront him imdiately—there is no alternative. Certain doom awaits us unless we steel ourselves for battle! We have to get serious!"
I stared at him.
"Dude. You just licked his spit a few monts ago, and now you want to be serious?"
"That was rely a personal preference of mine and has no bearing on the overall situation. We must break free from his grasp."
"Can't you do sothing?" I asked.
Sexis gasped. "No... My breath is already failing . I am struggling to articulate even the simplest of words. I cannot even utter a term as simple as sesquipedalian—my favorite word. I remain uncertain of my own abilities, leaving unsure of what to rely upon at this mont. I fear my windpipe has sustained damage, rendering my speech feeble and broken. I am on the verge of perishing. I yearn to speak, yet I am unable. I long to form even a single word. I desperately wish to speak—"
...
Silence.
Malthus, Erect, the heroes, and I all paused.
Our collective gaze turned to Sexis.
Malthus broke the silence first. "...That was you not being able to speak?"
"I would need a PhD to understand all of that," Erect muttered.
"He spoke that much while struggling. How much does he talk when he's fine?" Yate wondered aloud.
"He is a sign language interpreter's worst nightmare," I added.
Sexis flailed his legs. "Enough of this—take action, Racis! You alone possess the ans to alter our fate. We must escape this hold at once!"
"I know! I'm also starting to feel a little pain."
"Then do it—utilize whatever you must! If this persists, he will break my neck. You cannot hope to vanquish him alone; you will require my aid. I must not perish!"
Sexis was really putting his whole soul into begging to save him.
If I left him like this a little longer, he might even offer a one-night stand. And if I don't et any girls soon, I might accept.
But I wasn't worried. I already knew how this would play out.
One thing I was good at naturally, is to keep track of ti.
I smiled. "Relax, Sexis. Sothing will happen."
"When!?" he barked.
"In five seconds."
Everyone frowned.
"Five."
Malthus waited.
"Four."
Sexis waited.
"Three."
Erect waited.
"Two."
You waited.
And finally, the wait was over.
"One."
Then—
BRINNNGGG!
BRINNNGGG!
BRINNNGGG!
VRINNNGGG!
The ground trembled.
The Supre Man was finally about to et the Hero King he had been waiting for.
...Probably.
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