How to Get Girls, Get Rich, and Rule the World (Even If You're Ugly) Chapter 3: How to escape from killer goblins

I ran like there was no tomorrow.

"Get him!"

"We're gonna turn him into minced at!"

Those were the charming words echoing behind , and every ti I dared to glance back, all I saw was a green wave of creatures closing in. Honestly, terrifying stuff.

I dashed through that underground hellhole until I was on the verge of collapsing. I was running on fus. Eventually, I managed to lose them—by flinging myself behind a rock like my life depended on it (because, well, it did). They sprinted right past , none the wiser.

Of course, I wasn't exactly safe—just on a ticking clock. I still had no clue where the exit was, and with that many of them sniffing around, it was only a matter of ti before one of the little bastards caught wind of .

Speaking of which, I almost got discovered when one of those cursed goblins literally jumped on top of the rock I was using as my makeshift hiding spot. He sniffed around with his nasty little pointed nose, but by so divine miracle, didn't look down.

He just grunted—charming as always—and wandered off, back into the green horde of doom currently tearing the caves apart looking for .

Naturally, I didn't stick around for round two. I kept crawling through more rock formations like so desperate mole rat, hoping to find an exit. No luck. What I really needed was ti—and guess what? I had none.

I had to find sothing to deal with the goblins. Fast.

I kept creeping along until I hit an area that looked... totally unremarkable. Until I noticed a sll. That kind of "weird enough to be dangerous" sll.

Then, boom—System screen ti.

It popped up to inform what I was dealing with: a magical gas called "Dorm Gas," though honestly, that na could apply to anything. Even a fairy's fart.

| ITEM: Dorm Gas (Volatile Dormium)

| TYPE: Environntal Resource / Hazardous Elent

| RARITY: Common in deep mines or corrupted zones

| PROPERTIES |

→ [Flammable] – Ignites with sparks, magical heat, or rune impacts.

→ [Volatile] – Rapid expansion upon contact with dry air or ambient magic.

→ [Visually Undetectable] – Invisible to the naked eye.

→ [Aroma] – Detectable with Perception checks (tallic or sweet/sulfuric scent).

→ [Mildly Toxic] – Prolonged inhalation causes confusion and dizziness (-1 temporary Intelligence).

| SYSTEM WARNING |

Exposure to high concentrations may cause respiratory failure in creatures with Constitution below 8.

Certain magical elents like "Fire," "Lightning," or "Heat Runes" will trigger instant ignition.

| NOTE |

This gas is classified as a Class 1 Elental Anomaly.

Registered by: Arcane Miners' Guild | Section: Hazardous Substances

Well, that was an unexpectedly thorough field guide entry.

"Huh. Actually useful. Flammable gas... Interesting."

And that's when the light bulb went on. I had an idea—and yes, it was absolutely insane.

All I had was a pickaxe, a chunk of crystalized charcoal radiating so unknown energy (still don't know what that thing is, by the way), and my trusty shoulder bag.

"This'll have to do."

So I started putting together one of the most ridiculous contraptions I've ever dared to imagine. First, I dug deeper into the stone to let the gas spread more freely. Which, yes, was extrely dangerous. Especially for .

Once the place was nice and marinated in magic gas, I grabbed the stone from my bag and the pickaxe. Weirdly enough, lugging all this junk around was making feel less tired. Might've even gained a few Constitution points from the exercise. Hooray for desperate cardio.

I placed the crystalized charcoal on the ground—right near my planned escape route.

"Please let this work..."

Then I filled my lungs, cupped my hands around my mouth, and shouted:

"Hey! You pointy-eared bastards! Why don't you co get ?!"

The mont I yelled, I heard the ground tremble. And then ca the flood—a disgusting green stampede of goblins charging straight at like I was the buffet special of the week.

"There he is! Get him!"

"Let's eat him alive!"

"Soup ti!"

As soon as they got close enough, I lifted my pickaxe and swung it at the chunk of charcoal like I was so kind of demolition wizard. A tiny spark fizzled to life—but nowhere near the reaction I needed.

I hit it again. Still nothing.

The ugly little freaks were closing in fast, and my brain was already rehearsing my final words. I was pretty convinced it wasn't going to work.

"Co on, you cursed rock, where's your spark?!"

One last desperate swing—and finally, the crystal glowed faintly, flickered with a soft light, and then snap—sparked.

Boom.

The first explosion hit like a divine slap. I was launched backward, but luckily I used the pickaxe to block most of the impact. As soon as I stopped seeing stars, I bolted toward my pre-planned escape route, ducked into a gap, and pressed myself flat. That's when the real show began.

Chain reaction.

Explosion after explosion lit up the cavern like a fireworks finale gone very wrong. Chunks of debris ca crashing down on the screaming goblin horde. So got crushed, so caught fire and roasted on the spot, so... well, both. Glorious.

| STATUS |

Health Points (HP): 39 >> 29 / 70

I managed to escape with only a bruised arm and my pickaxe still intact, thank you very much. But let's be real—I wasn't safe yet. There were way too many goblins down here. I needed to get out, fast.

Using the chaos I'd caused as a distraction, I sprinted through the tunnels like a man with a death wish and so cardio. Eventually, I spotted a wide tunnel with a sign out front. I couldn't read it at the ti, but I'm pretty sure it said sothing like "Turn back or die horribly."

Naturally, I went in.

The tunnel was empty. Pitch dark, kind of damp, and the only source of light ca from minerals glowing faintly in the stone walls.

I was honestly surprised the goblins hadn't already mined the place dry. There had to be sothing valuable in there.

I walked for what felt like hours, ignoring most of the shiny rocks around . I know, I know—blasphemy. But eventually, even I had to admit the place was kind of amazing.

So I stopped, caught my breath, and figured it was ti to assess the situation. No one was chasing . I was in a theoretically safe spot. For once.

"Wow... What is all this stuff?"

Sure enough, as soon as I focused on one of the minerals, pop—system screen.

| ITEM: Ferralu

| TYPE: Conductor Ore / Arcane Reagent

| RARITY: Uncommon

| PROPERTIES |

→ [High Conductivity] – Boosts magical signals in runes or rune circuits.

→ [Magnetized] – Attracts light tals within a 1-ter radius.

→ [Latent Glow] – Emits a pale shimr in the presence of living mana.

| TACTICAL USE |

- Excellent for crafting rune catalysts and magic staves.

- Can be refined into enchanted equipnt cores.

- High market value in arcane trade (elven rchants pay top coin).

"Holy crap, there's a ton of this stuff."

| ITEM: Hivecrystal

| TYPE: Organic Crystal / Alchemy Reagent

| RARITY: Rare

| PROPERTIES |

→ [Absorbent] – Stores emotional and intentional energy from nearby beings.

→ [Reactive] – Becos unstable when in contact with living blood.

→ [Alchemical] – Used in illusion potions, poisons, and psychic rituals.

| TACTICAL USE |

- Can be sold to alchemists or necromancers.

- Mishandling causes psychic AoE magic damage.

- Rumored to "whisper" in ancient voices.

[Handle only with rune-gloves or sealed containers.]

All that was cool, sure. But then I found sothing else—sothing that explained why the goblins hadn't dared set foot in this place.

A massive vein of deep red mineral, practically bleeding from the stone walls. And way too abundant to be anything ordinary.

| ITEM: Raw Silvarite

| TYPE: Reagent Ore / Heat Source

| RARITY: Mid-High

| PROPERTIES |

→ [Magical Fuel] – Burns for days without losing heat.

→ [Unstable] – When in contact with water, produces explosive pressurized steam.

→ [Resilient] – As hard as steel; difficultto

"This generates heat?" I muttered to myself. "That ans I'll never freeze in winter again. I bet I could sell this stuff for a pretty spicy price."

But just as I leaned in for a closer look, another lovely system warning popped up in front of :

[Carrying large amounts of Silvarite may attract heat-sensitive monsters.]"Monsters? Wait—does that an..."

I heard sothing.

I wasn't sure what it was at first—it was too dark to see properly, and the only lighting ca from those glowing minerals, which weren't exactly floodlights.

Naturally, I did what any terrified adventurer with no exit plan would do: I started crawling deeper into the cave. Real slow. Real quiet. There was plenty more cool stuff around , sure, but suddenly I wasn't feeling super motivated to stop and sniff the flowers.

Then I looked up.

And there they were.

Eight tiny red dots on the ceiling. For a second, I thought it might've been so weird glowing mineral, but they were way too perfectly round for that.

And then the screen popped again—not a mineral this ti.Nope.Much worse.

| NA: Rift Guardian Spider

| SPECIES: Aracnidae Ignavus

| LEVEL: 5

| TYPE: Beast Monster / Territorial Guardian

| RANK: B (Regionally Dangerous)

I didn't even get to read the rest.

The mont our eyes t—all eight of hers and mine — she launched herself straight at .

And yes. She hit . Full-on spider slam.I hit the ground so hard I almost saw my childhood.

"What the hell is this?!" I shouted, flailing like a man being introduced to his worst nightmare in 4K.

Among the million questions flooding my brain, one scread louder than the rest:How the hell am I getting out of here alive?Preferably with all my limbs still attached.