Donald Trump was President of Arica and Boris Johnson was the Pri Minister of Great Britain. Even more absurdly, Spurs were in contention for the Premiership title and the Champions League. I read the newspaper from front to back twice and it still didnt make any sense.
If this was a fake reality, who would make it this unbelievable? And if this was the real thing, what the hell had happened? Had everyone lost their minds.
Oh, and there was also a global pandemic and Nazis marching in the streets.
If this had been a video ga, it would have been lambasted for being lazy and clichd. What next, a zombie apocalypse and the rise of the machines?
Perhaps there was a reasonable explanation for what was going on but I didnt really care. It wasnt like I had any intention of staying here and dealing with any of this crap.
My goal was to find a way back. Which ant reactivating my magical abilities. That was all I had to worry about. It didnt matter how crazy this place had gotten in my absence, it wasnt my problem.
The train stopped at a couple of stations, picking up only a few people. It was early enough that the morning rush hour had yet to start.
Despite the end of civilization, the people going to work looked like regular people with the sa old lack of any real concern for anything that didnt directly affect them right now, right here. Tired, bored faces, holding coffee in disposable cups in one hand and their smartphones in the other, no conversations, no smiles, no fucks given. Life was carrying on as it usually did.
It took around ninety minutes to reach London. It was about half seven in the morning and the train wasnt even half-full.
Exiting the train and taking the escalators down to the underground station was easy enough. No one looked at twice, even though I was dressed like an off-brand pirate. This was London, where the weirder you looked, the more invisible you were.
I paid for my tube ticket I only just had enough money and made my way to the Piccadilly Line platform.
As I rode in a packed tube train in the middle of the morning rush hour, squashed between coats like I was trapped in the back of soones closet, it started to dawn on that I was nearly ho and I hadnt even considered what I was going to do when I got there. Would there be an alternate Colin sitting in my flat?
I hadnt paid my rent or bills for three years, and I didnt have a key to get in and frighten the crap out of whoever was living there now, but I didnt know where else to go.
My place was walking distance from Wood Green Station. I followed the route Id taken every weekday morning and evening to and from work.
The small block of flats I lived in looked the sa. I pressed the keycode into the pad next to the glass door with the crack running diagonally across the top half, just like it was the last ti Id used it. The door clicked open.
My flat was on the second floor. I walked up the stairs and along the hallway. The familiarity hit in waves. This was my ho, my whole life up until recently.
The number on my door 22 was nailed on unevenly, just as I rembered it.
I knocked on my own door. It seed the polite thing to do. There was no response, which was a relief. I had no key, just a spoon hanging around my neck.
There was only one thing to do. I knocked on my neighbours door. Number 20, Tony sothing-or-other. He wasnt soone I spoke to often, just a casual hello every now and again, but back when I first moved in, he had taken the ti to explain a few of the basic rules of the building. When to leave out rubbish, which floors to avoid, why to never take the lift after 7 PM.
He was an odd bloke who kept to himself and worked from ho. I think. He never went out, so that was my best guess.
And the ti I locked myself out of my own flat, he helped break back in.
The door opened and a grey-haired, slightly chubby face peered out from behind a chained door.
There was a mont of confusion, so squinting and then a surprised look. Colin?
Hi, Tone. Long ti no see. I tried to sound as casual as possible.
Youre alive. The door opened a little more and looked up and down. What happened to you? What are you wearing? You look terrible.
Um, yes, I said. Ive been on holiday. This is what they wear over there abroad. Sorry to disturb you, but I lost my keys. Any chance you could help get in like last ti?
He leaned back and then forward, getting into focus. Its really you.
Yes.
You didnt die?
No, Ive just been away. Travelling.
Where did you go?
Um, oh, everywhere. Hated it. Everything was surprisingly foreign. Never going there again. Kind of desperate to use the loo. I didnt want to appear rude, but I also didnt want to get into a long explanation of where Id been and what Id been up to.
Sure, sure, no problem just wait a mo. He closed the door on .
I had never been in his flat and he had never been in mine. He was what we Londoners call a good neighbour. Keeps his boundaries well maintained.
The door opened again a few monts later.
Here we go. He held up a large tal ring with dozens of keys hanging from it. He stepped out and moved in front of my door. He began trying different keys in my keyhole (not a euphemism). Lets see if I can rember which one it was
A man with a bunch of skeleton keys might seem a bit sus, but he really wasnt the type to invade anyones space. He really had no interest in other people. It was why we had ford such a strong yet distant acquaintance, over our mutual dislike of everyone.
Amazing, he mumbled as he tested one key after another. You know, I even thought maybe you were one of them.
One of them?
You know, The Abducted. They disappeared around the sa sort of ti, didnt they?
He looked over his shoulder at and frowned when he was t with my blank expression. He went back to working on the lock.
Most people said it was aliens, but not . It was clearly so sort of serial killer, group of them working together. Not that I said anything I fit the profile a little too closely, only making trouble for myself. Dont want to go down that road again.
The lock clicked open.
Nice. Still got it. He turned to . Never caught no one, never found no one. Sad.
I nodded. He seed to be talking about the people who had disappeared along with four years ago. Had we beco famous?
So it was just a holiday, was it? Well, I never. Was certain you were buried in so shallow grave sowhere. See you later, Col. Tony re-entered his flat and closed his door, his curiosity not great enough to overco his general dislike of small talk. Truly, a good neighbour.
Thank you, I called after him.
I pushed my door open.
The door stuck a little as letters were pushed out of the way. Not a huge pile my bills were mostly paperless but quite a lot of out-of-date coupons for half-price pizza (stuffed crust not included). Sadly, Id missed out on several years of savings.
I kicked them out of the way.
Hellooo? I called out, just in case.
No response. The hallway was very quiet. It was just as Id left it, but dustier.
I began walking towards my bedroom, my heart thumping in my chest for absolutely no reason. Id managed to rob and steal my way here from so castle in Sussex, and now that I was safely in my ho, this was when my nerves decided to kick in.
The air had an unpleasant, stale taste to it. I couldnt really tell if that was different from before. A thick layer of dust covered everything and ca off like sludge when I ran my finger over any surface.
I pushed the bedroom door open, dreading what I might find waiting for . My four-year-old corpse?
What I found was an empty unmade bed. I turned on the lights to reveal more of the sa. The lights worked, though, which was surprising. Who had been paying the bills? I an, I had a direct debit set up with my bank to pay all of my basic outgoings, but the agre funds I had would have run out a long ti ago.
I opened the curtains and then the window and took a deep breath of North London air. It slled like kebabs and coffee shops, which was pleasingly familiar.
The flat was the sa as Id left it the small lounge, the narrow and claustrophobic kitchen, the chilly bathroom nothing had changed. I rewarded myself for having safely reached the first milestone in my journey with a long, cold dump. By far the most luxurious bowel movent Id had in years.
The flush made so weird gurgling noises but finally accepted my offering.
Then I stripped and took a shower. The water took a while to heat up, but it wasnt like I was in a rush.
The clothes in my closet slled a bit off but then so did the clothes Id arrived in. At least they still fit. A little baggy, actually.
It was all very confusing and I was having a hard ti getting to grips with my situation, but there were so basic things I could check using the laptop in my bedroom.
The computer booted up fine, slow as ever. The internet was working. The wifi that usually dropped out every ti a butterfly in the Amazon flapped its wings was perfectly fine.
The first thing I did was check my bank balance. After sitting there for five minutes trying to rember my passwords.
The more advanced technology gets, the more passwords we have to rember for our own security. A different password for every site, change them every six months, use a series of letters and numbers you cant possibly rember, but dont write it down anywhere, that would defeat the point.
No, just save it in your browser where only you and Google can access it. Google wouldnt betray you, their motto used to be Dont be evil before it was changed to China, number one.
My bank balance was surprisingly healthy. Rent and utilities had been paid automatically and money had been coming in from my job. The job I hadnt done for four years. What were they paying for? I had hardly been worth paying when I had turned up. Perhaps they found they were more productive when I was absent.
The main thing was that I had funds as soon as I found my debit card and rembered my PIN. Things were looking up.
Since I had the internet at my disposal, I decided to look up a few things from the last few years and soon realised that the world was in even worse shape than Id thought.
An Arican president controlled by Russians, Saudi Arabia murdering journalists with impunity, China running slave labour camps.
Its not often soone gets culture-shocked by their own culture.
I decided to Google myself. If what Tony had said really was connected to our disappearance, if it had been noticed, then there would be so sort of news story about it.
My na produced millions of results, but none of them had anything to do with . Thats what happens when you have a common na and havent done anything to mark yourself out from your eponymous herd.
The The from Love Story began to play. It was my phone ringing, plugged into the socket next my bed, at 100% battery life for four years.
Why was my phone ringing? No one ever called before, why would they be calling now? The number wasnt showing.
Just so marketing robocall?
I picked it up. Hello?
Colin? said a very deep, male, probably middle-aged voice.
Um, yes? Who is this?
Ah, it really is you. Thats wonderful. You dont know , but Im hoping you know my daughter, Victoria.
Sorry, I dont think I know anyone called Victoria. Are you sure you have the right number?
Oh, very sure. Ive been waiting a long ti for you to co ho. Frankly, I wasnt sure you would ever return, any of you. Perhaps you know her by her nickna. She always insisted on being called Flossie. It was her mothers na for her.
Sorry, whats your na?
Archibald Larwood. Call Archie.
Since I was on the computer, I put his na into Google, not really expecting anything, but it was a fairly unusual na, so you never know. There were over a hundred thousand hits. All for the sa man.
Archibald Larwood, billionaire businessman, entrepreneur, inventor, philanthropist, MBE, hated by unions, friend to the stars, owner of a Caribbean island, suspected of nurous cris, convicted of none. He had quite the Wikipedia page.
Youre Flossies dad?
Ah, so you do know her. Thats very good to hear. Very good. Colin, I think we should et. I have so many questions. Are you free for lunch?
It was getting on for eleven and I was a little peckish. And who wouldnt want to grab a bite to eat with a billionaire? I assud he would be paying.
Sure. Where would you like to There was a loud, insistent knocking on my front door.
That will be my driver, said Archie. Ill see you soon. Im very much looking forward to it.
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