While it would have been interesting to see Joshaya face-off against the resurrected hero with the talking sword, it didnt feel like the ti and place for a duel to the death. Plus, it would have been ssy and I would have been expected to help tidy up. Flossie and Dudley would have helped, too, but the thing with couples is, they seem to think a fair division of labour is they do half and you do half, but theres fucking two of them so they should be doing 66%. Youre not a unit, youre a couple, you should both do your fair share.
Other than my issues with workshy twosos, I needed both Joshaya and Caim, for now at least.
I left my body and everything froze.
Caim, swathed in black vines, was bearing down on Joshaya, blade extended. Apart from wanting to prevent any deaths, I had also been curious to see what Caim looked like here in the adjacent world. The vines encasing him had the sa look and texture as the ones in this world, and I wondered if that gave him so kind of ability here.
He looked the sa. There were no extra vines growing from his body. Whether that ant the armour shielded him or that he was like and didnt have attachnts, I wasnt sure. It could be that hed been dead so long, he needed ti for them to grow back.
Or, it might be his vines were unrelated to my vines.
There was a slight movent from Joshaya. He could move here, but at a glacial pace. My power didnt actually stop ti, it just slowed it down. Actually, I was beginning to think it didnt slow it down at all, it speeded up. I could exist in between seconds, able to perform actions so fast, it made everyone look like they were standing still. Which would have been great if I could actually touch and move things in the real world.
My main ability was really good at stopping anything from happening, I was basically a human pause button. It wasnt a very proactive ability. It didnt enable to do what I wanted, it just prevented others from doing what they wanted. My superhero na would be Cockblocker.
During the pause, I could do a bunch of things, but mostly it was just a delaying tactic. A ti-out.
There was more to it than that, of course. I could use the black goo that bonded objects together as a way to force movent in the real world. It was a very powerful ability which I had put to good use, but it was incredibly tedious. It was not fun.
Without experiencing it first hand, I dont think it can really be appreciated just how much of a pain it was to draw out the black goo into threads and attach them to various objects in an attempt to get them to do what I wanted in the real world. It was excruciatingly dull and took hours. Even though ti didnt exist for the rest of the universe, it existed for . Even though I was moving at supersonic speed compared to everyone else, everything took forever.
Joshaya was languidly moving out of Caims path. His movents were unhurried but his face was twisted into a fearful grimace. He clearly feared his attacker, which was good to know.
The Deathreaper would find an empty space where he was attacking, once I restarted things. He probably wouldnt take it well. He seed the type to take it personally if you magically removed his decapitation target. So people are like that. They think any attempt to stop them doing what they want is belittling them and their goals in life.
Why cant we go see a movie I want to see for once? Its always the genius of Pixar this and the emotions of Pixar that. Its a bloody cartoon, you child. Grow up.
Im not saying the sentints wrong, my mum just lacked tact, sotis.
I floated over to Caim and reached out a finger towards the vines wound around his arm like strapping. It looked like he was covered in black rubber bands, thousands of them forming a rubber suit of armour. The suit rippled and squird, which suggested these vines were at least related to the vines from here. As did the fact I was able to touch them. The texture was exactly as unpleasant.
Violation detected, said the sword.
The sound of a voice was startling. I was used to being utterly alone here, surrounded by silence.
The sword was made of dark crystal. It looked black at first, but it had a purple tinge to it. The blade was jagged and uneven, like the crystal had been found that way. It also looked very sharp along its edges and vicious at the points, of which there were several.
Hello? I floated closer to the blade to get a better look at it. Do you have a na? It was a bit strange conversing with a sword, but as long as it couldnt move, I was fine with so small-talk. Actually, I was never fine with small-talk, but Id put it up with it this once.
Withdraw or suffer the consequences.
Feisty. This newb didnt realise that Id been suffering consequences my whole life. My location made little difference.
You know, manners cost nothing. A simple introduction before you start throwing around threats is considered polite around here. Especially when you cant move and I can. I wasnt trying to be a dick, but sotis you have to draw the line. Preferably when no one can step over it and call your bluff.
Your threat-level is negligible. You will be neutralised if you do not comply.
I have to admit I was a little hurt. When the sword had made its risk assessnt earlier, I had assud I was one of the two ultra-level threats ntioned. Apparently, I was considered one of the two negligibles. Seed harsh.
Who were the ultras, then? Joshaya, or Arthur as Caim believed him to be. And Flossie? She was the Dragonrider, so there was that. I wouldnt have called it an ultra ability, myself, but I wasnt on the panel of experts who get to make these calls.
Its all personal opinion, really. The Academy says Leo is the best actor, the Hollywood Foreign Press say its Denzel. The only thing we know with any degree of objective certainty is that sowhere Kanye is having a really good ti, just loving his life and not giving a shit.
Look, I dont care what your rating is, this isnt a chance for you to get your voice heard and shape world opinion on the top five Michael Bay movies. I tend to ramble when Im trying to play the tough guy, especially when you have no fra of reference. Its the tone thats the important thing. Youre in my world now, and my threat here is unimaginable.
That might not have co across as hard-nosed as Id wanted unimaginable could also be taken to an non-existent but I wasnt about to be intimidated by an inanimate object.
Actually, inanimate objects could be very intimidating, particularly those that were penis shaped and took six D cell batteries. Now that I thought about it, the sword had a roughly phallic shape to it, but at least it wasnt battery-powered. Although, a giant black dildo without batteries didnt make it any less threatening.
Was I being racist or homophobic? I know, why not both? Youd think thered be a word for that. Homafrophobic? Sounds like the title to a rap album, the kind where youre fairly certain the rapper doesnt know what hes talking about but likes the way the words sound (Quick, Ye, to the recording studio!).
Rambling, again. I took out my own sword, small and wooden, and held it out. Perhaps youd like to demonstrate?
Badass, right? versus the inanimate object, fight of the century.
The inanimate object decided to even the odds by becoming animated.
The sword moved inexorably slowly, pulling the arm attached to it like a tail behind a kite, as it turned towards .
I looked over at Joshaya who was still moving out of the way, his face a little more relieved now that I was the one in the line of fire. If this didnt go well, Id try to take him out with . I had no real reason to do that, but then spite isnt built on reason.
My sword began to glow. Caims sword stopped. Finally, the ssage was getting through. Now we were getting sowhere. I an, the place we were getting to was a standstill, but that was my ho turf. You dont co into the kingdom of Colin and initiate activity. A willingness to engage and an enthusiasm for making the effort? Not on my watch.
If we were going to fight it out, Id have the advantage. In a slow-motion battle, the one not moving in slow-motion will win. Thats an old Chinese proverb (from Hong Kong in the mid-90s).
Was I supposed to attack the sword or the suit? My instinct was to kick him in the balls, but that was always my instinct. Most people think thats the move you go to when you have no other choice. I say, if its a killer move, play it first. A big finisher is what they do in musicals and pornos, you want to get this over with as quickly as possible (although that could also so be said of musicals and pornos).
But Caim wasnt calling the shots here. Perhaps he never had. The sword could be the organ grinder, not the monkey. I instantly regretted thinking about the grinding of organs.
Theres no need to fight, I said. I dont want to harm you, but that isnt Arthur. Take a closer look.
The sword turned slightly. Lights flickered deep within the blade. Was it so kind of machine? Ive never been a fan of mixing genres its spaceships and wizards, its so unique and different but you have to keep an open mind when the talking sword is flashing LEDs in your face. I liked to use my existing knowledge of fantastical worlds from books, movies and video gas that charge full price for early access beta builds to inform my actions in this world, but that didnt an everything was going to conform to my previous experiences.
Inconsistencies found, said the sword.
Exactly, I said. Hes Joshaya. Do you know him? Hes a fairy. Also goes by The One True God. God of Death?
There was a long pause. I waited. Maybe it was running so kind of software analysis. Maybe it had crashed and was booting up again.
Advise termination nevertheless, said the sword.
Good call, I said, but I need him. Hes helping against Arthur, the real Arthur, and Peter.
Purple lights flickered along the length of the blade. Peters na had got a definite response.
Peter. Location.
I wasnt sure if it was asking for Peters location or about to tell . After a few seconds of silence, I assud it was the forr.
Im not sure where he is, Fengarad, probably. I need your help to deal with him, with both of them. Do you consider them your enemies?
Another long pause followed.
What happens afterwards? After we win, what do you want? To be king? To be Emperor?
The sword suddenly didnt sound like a robot. HAL in 2001, Mother in Alien, Alexa in hos the governnt wants to wiretap illegally, they all had that ambivalent tone of disinterest we like our computer AIs to have. The sword had abandoned its version in favour of sothing far more nacing. It sounded aroused.
Afterwards you, I an Caim will beco the sovereign ruler of the whole of Flatland. All the cities, the fields, the forests, you know, the whole shebang.
You wont contest his right to rule?
Nope. Im not very social. Large groups of people bowing make uncomfortable. Bending over as a form of deference seems needlessly sexual, if you ask . Im surprised people dont bring it up more often.
The sword was silent a long ti after that. I like to think Id given it sothing to think about.
You dont want any land for yourself? The sword was finding it hard to believe Id be so magnanimous. Or so stupid. I was used to it.
Well, maybe a small castle sowhere out of the way, preferably with a drawbridge. Keep the riff-raff out.
The sword swayed from side to side, Caims arm drifting with it.
There will be death and suffering, said the sword.
There usually is, I said. We were getting to the point where our goals aligned and we found common ground. A prelude to when our goals unaligned and we started looking for the opportunity to stab each other in the back. It would help if I could get so information about you. You and Caim. Are you part of him? What is this armour made of? How did you beco like this?
I wasnt normally the curious sort, but this particular origin story seed relevant to . If I could get myself a suit of armour like his, it might stop from getting hurt. I an, physically. Emotionally I was already pretty dead, so no need to worry about that.
The problem was that vines were repulsed by (yes, yes, them and everybody else), so how would I get them to provide a barrier all over my body. And what role did the sword play? Did it grow out of the vines? Did it co from Caim himself? Was it an entirely separate entity?
I dont know if I can trust you, said the overgrown kitchen utensil.
Sure, I get that. I dont trust you either. Most people Ive t in this world have treated in an honourable and fair way right up to the point theyve tried to kill . I doubt you two will be any different.
We have had a similar experience. Caim is reluctant to trust anyone ever again.
What about you? I asked.
I never trusted anyone in the first place.
But you still ended up dead.
I did not die. Caim did.
Well, thats splitting hairs, isnt it? Not like you can go off without him.
We were in danger of starting to bicker, but that was okay. Better to get an understanding of where we stood and take it from there. We could still each get what we wanted as long as we were open and honest, and assud the other was a lying sack of shit. Diplomacy, I believe its called.
We will lead the way. We will choose the battles. There will be no rcy given, there will be no prisoners taken.
Yeah, sure, whatever. Going off the deep end a bit, but I guess if a sword cant take war seriously, who can? Do you have a na?
I am known as Black Thorn, said the sword, but to Caim, I am his Angel Rose.
Nice. Youre a girl. Always turns out well for when its a girl.
You should know, said Angel Rose, I will allow no one to hurt Caim again. No one.
I sensed a bit of an overprotective girlfriend vibe, but I was probably misinterpreting the situation as I always did with girls (although I usually misinterpreted it into thinking they were being reasonable and kind, easy mistake to make).
Fine. Sounds good. No hurt, Im all for it. Now, can you get him to stand down before he does the hurting?
I can retract myself, but he can still do a lot of damage without . You will have to subdue him.
? But my threat-level is negligible. People never point out your failings when they want a favour from you. Isnt there an Off button on this suit?
It looked pretty seamless, no switches or panels to pry open in the case of an ergency. God knows how he took a dump in this thing.
Your rating has been upgraded to cause for concern. Caim is committed to a course of action. There is no stopping him when he gets like this.
Cause for concern was how my family referred to my cousin who liked starting fires. Hardly the most impressive rank in the superhero hall of fa.
Cockblocker is here to save the day, or at least get in everyones way to an annoying extent. Dont worry, I have been officially classified as a cause for concern.
Not sure whod be more concerned, the villains or the victims.
Joshaya, go in the other room. Joshaya slowly nodded. So far hed got to the end of the table. Hed only need another century or so to make it to the door. Chop-chop. We havent got all day. We actually had eternity, but people tend to fill the ti you allow them. Does the suit have any special properties? Flying, tracking targets, laser beams?
Yes, said Angel Rose.
Yes? All of them? Great. Always good to know how much youre outclassed by. Not like you can ask after youve been squished like a bug.
There was only one thing for it. Id have to go old school. I floated down to Caims feet and began to eek out the black goo from between the floor and the bottom of his foot.
Yes, I was going to do the equivalent of tying his shoelaces together; if tying shoelaces took six hours. I fucking hated my power.
Once that was done (no jump cuts for , I had the real-ti experience), I returned to my body. Action restarted and Caim imdiately tripped and fell.
Bundle! I cried out and we all jumped on him, old school.
Reviews
All reviews (0)