Of course, I knew they were coming. Im not stupid. The mont soone ntioned there was a bunch of guys who didnt like people selling unauthorised fish, it was only a matter of ti before our paths crossed.
And when Damicar indicated that he was under a cooking embargo, opening up for business ant I was on a collision course with his persecutors, too.
If you cant avoid trouble, you should at least arrange for it to co to you when youre good and ready for it. And I was.
The only question was which group was this?
Oh, dear, said Damicar, standing behind and peering over my shoulder. Im afraid this is my fault.
Is it? Are you sure? The group swaggering down the street towards us didnt look like a delegation from Restaurateurs Guild. But then, they would hardly do their dirty work themselves.
Theyre warehousen. My uncle sent them.
While wed been setting up for the evening rush (in our case, one custor would have been a new record), Damicar had waxed lyrical about his family problems, which were the sa as his business ones. His uncle.
Uncle Malmur took in after my mother and father died in a horrific fire. You will co live with and your aunt, he said. You are still a child, but you are not alone, even though your parents have both left this world. I am your fathers brother, so you will treat with the sa respect you would him. You will obey my instructions and follow the rules of my house. In return, you will be treated with love, and this will be your ho. Your father was not only my brother, but also my partner, and one day you will take his place by my side. You are no less precious to than my own children, but that does not an I will stand for laziness or insolence. When you are old enough, you will make your own decisions. Then my instructions will beco suggestions, and it will be up to you whether you wish to follow my advice. I will always be here for you, until I am not. You can rely on . I hope I can rely on you. I was very grateful for his generosity and warm welco. He gave a room above the stables, and whipped every day.
Damicar liked to talk. I didnt mind, it was like having the radio on in the background, with so DJ reading out a letter from a listener while sad music played underneath.
My husband left , the cat died, and I just found out I have cancer. Can you please play Smack My Bitch Up by The Prodigy.
It was easy enough to let him ramble on as I tidied up. His uncle and his dad ran the fish business in Gorgoth, until his father passed and Uncle Malmur took control. No one sold so much as a sardine without paying respect to him. And by respect, I an cash money.
Why did he beat you? I asked Damicar as he busily toiled over four woks at the sa ti. He clearly knew what he was doing. Competence is fascinating to watch, especially when you see it as rarely as I do.
He said hed treat like his own children, and so he did. Damicar didnt seem too upset by his poor treatnt.
Did he make them live with the animals, too?
Oh, no. They lived in the house.
And he whipped them?
Not as such. Not actual whippings. But, you know, the implication was there.
What implication? That they might get treated like you?
Exactly. You understand. In many ways, he put ahead of his own children.
Damicars approach to survival was to pretend he didnt need saving. You had to admire that. It did an having to go slightly insane, but he did it with a smile on his face, and that was the important thing. You already feel bad, why make your abuser feel bad, too?
Because, in my experience, if theres one thing vile people hate, its being made to feel like theyre doing sothing vile. Absolutely cant stand it.
And hes the one who didnt want your business being a success? I asked.
That hasnt been proven.
But these are his n. You said he sent them, so hes giving the orders, right?
I misspoke. Without proof, technically, that would be slander.
Are you worried about being taken to court?
It would look bad for the family.
Your uncles family?
Yes. My family.
Thats the great thing about abusing soone when they were a child, you can twist their minds into whatever shape you like.
I hadnt figured out exactly why his uncle wanted his nephew to fail probably sothing to do with keeping the family business to himself but I was sure it was no concern of mine.
Why take him into his ho in the first place, if thats how he felt about it?
Again, not for to involve myself with. I just wanted to make enough money to buy myself a ticket out of here. And these large gentlen with their ho-made tattoos were in my way.
My approach to making money hadnt exactly been on the QT, but even if Id tried to play it sneaky-beaky, theyd still have found . And this was just the first wave. If there were two groups gunning for , I fully expected the other lot to turn up when it was the most inconvenient. My new approach to the single life had prepared to expect the worst. Here it was, right on cue. I didnt take it personally. This was just business.
To tell you the truth, I was looking forward to it. Id been in a bad mood all day, and I needed to let off so steam. This bunch of twats were ideal.
You might think I was being cocky. It wasnt like I had the most impressive of records when it ca to dealing with life-threatening situations, Id be the first to admit that, but I was still alive, and survival indicated so kind of ability to handle myself.
In any case, the sight of an unruly mob didnt make shit myself these days. I was too pissed off in general to care what they thought they were going to do to . They needed to worry about what I was going to do to them.
And no, my plan was not to light up my hands and act like so kind of badass who was going to burn their town to the ground. It wasnt that I was adverse to that kind of dickish behaviour I may even have been guilty of doing it in the past but even if it scared this lot into leaving alone, it would also attract a lot of attention. And not the kind that would be good for business. Hard to sell people a fish supper when theyre running away, screaming.
It was getting dark, but helpfully a lot of the n were carrying torches along with their pitchforks, so people had noticed sothing was up, and were gathering around the edges, hoping for so entertainnt.
I waited in the doorway as they approached, surrounded by the heady aroma of Damicars cooking. He was not going to be of any use in this upcoming confrontation, but I was used to that.
At least he wasnt going to be a hindrance, either. On top of which, he also had a practicable skill to contribute. If he wanted to stay in the back and cook, that was fine by . I sent him off to finish preparing the food.
Are you open for business? shouted the guy at the front. He looked like he was a mber of Bruce Springsteens E Street Band. One of the ones whose na had never been ntioned.
Yes, I said. Would you like to make a reservation? Party of twenty-five?
I was talking to Damicar, said the man.
And I was talking to you. Looks like weve got ourselves a love triangle.
They were looking at with a mixture of confusion and hostility. Get those two in the right amounts, and you get contempt. Get it wrong, and you get Billy-Joe Hee Haw.
Youre the one whos been trying to sell black market fish, arent you? he said to .
What if I am? I was kind of enjoying myself. Not giving a shit is fun. What were they going to do, kill ? Okay, that was probably what they were going to do, but I was ready.
Damicar appeared with a platter of food. Actually, the platter was the broken door of a small cupboard, but it did just as well. Rustic.
The crowds edged forward as the sll hit them.
I took the tray and sent Damicar back for more.
Would you like to try one? I asked the main thug. I held the tray under his nose. He sniffed, was tempted, but resisted.
His n eyed each other, wanting to try the food, but they didnt have the balls to go against their leader.
What about the rest of you? I said to the crowd. Free samples, no obligation to buy.
I could never be the sort of person who sells stuff to passersby on the street. Just thinking about it makes shudder. I an, its not as horrific as trying to get strangers to sign up for a monthly donation to Greenpeace at least being a hawker involves an honest exchange of goods but giving away stuff for free, thats not so hard. Especially when it slls so good.
People ca forward to snatch the small fish dumplings Damicar had made. The noises of pleasure they made eating them encouraged more to take a chance.
At this point, the thugs had one of two choices. They could get violent (everyone loves the classics), or they could go get soone further up the chain.
With a large crowd watching, it would be hard to start anything without causing panic and general mayhem. The more people I got interested in the food, the less likely I was to get the shit beaten out of .
Damicar ca out with the next tray. I had told him my plan, made sure he was okay with making no money the first night. We were going to give away all the food we could get down their greedy little throats.
And if they did go get soone more official to have a word, maybe even Uncle Malmur, maybe I could cut a deal. He was probably a devious bastard, cunning, too, by all accounts. I would have to convince him we could all profit together. Of course, its hard to win an argunt against a smart opponent, but its impossible to win an argunt against a dumb one.
This is illegal! said the thug.
The n behind him all chid in with nosies of agreent. This was a litigious rabble, apparently.
So sue , I said.
Well do better than that. Inspector, if you please.
The n parted and a little man ca out of their little group. He had squinty eyes and a moustache that looked uncomfortable on his face. He had a large leather-bound book under his arm.
The crowd gasped and backed away. That didnt bode well.
Is he the fish inspector? I asked.
Hes the tax collector, said the thug, brandishing the words like a weapon.
Holy shit, they played dirty. Bringing a taxman to a fish fight. Touch, gentlen, tou-fucking-ch
We havent made any money yet, I pointed out.
Where did you purchase your fish, said the little man. He had a squeaky voice to match his squinty eyes.
I didnt, I caught them.
Theres an import duty on all fish and fowl brought into the city, he said. Id like to see your paynt chit, please.
I dont have one.
The crowd gasped between bites. There was a lot of shaking of heads, and looks of sympathy. It was like they were at a public hanging, and loving every minute of it.
Damicar was still bringing out food, and I was passing it around. The crowd were gobbling it up like popcorn.
Ooooh, thats not good, said the taxman. He opened his ledger and made notes. All foods prepared for sale must go through customs. A paynt chit is to be produced on request if made by an authorised official of the City of Gorgoth.
And are you an authori
He had his card out before I even finished. I had no idea if it was real, but it probably was.
No chit ans Ill have to close you down.
But we arent selling anything, I said.
But you havent paid duty on the fish.
What fish? The food was all gone. Wed made exactly no money, and had sold out. The perfect price point.
The taxman looked confused. As did the n behind him.
But You
Show the evidence, I said.
You, the taxman said to a happily chewing bystander, give that. He tried to snatch the last bit of food from the mans hand. The man stuffed it into his face. Anyone with food left did the sa.
Here we are, said Damicar, coming out with yet another platter.
Aha! said the taxman.
Onion rings, said Damicar. My latest creation.
I might have suggested the idea to him, but I was happy to let him take the credit.
Do you charge duty on onions? I asked. They grew in nooks and crannies all over the city, so you couldnt slap an import tariff on them.
By this ti the people had been won over by Damicars skills, and pounced on the savoury snacks.
Hey! Whats going on here! A man in an apron pushed his way through the crowds. Why is my place empty? What are you making trouble for? This, surprisingly, wasnt aid at . It was said to the lead thug. Im fully paid up. Why are you causing such a ruckus?
Its him, whined the thug, pointing at . Hes giving away free food. Thats why youve got no custors.
What are you doing that for? said the new arrival. You cant do that. We all have to make a living.
Dont bla us, I said. Bla Uncle Malmur.
You see, I had it all under control. Win the people over, get that populist vote on my side, and then make it clear Malmur was the culprit making life difficult for honest, hardworking folk. Uncle Malmur would have to make a move. He might even try to buy off with a bribe. Fingers crossed.
This is great, said soone in the crowd, mouth full of food. But what were those fish balls from earlier.
Thank you, thank you so much, said Damicar, his heart bursting with pride because of the way his cooking had been received. He didnt give a fuck about making money, he just wanted to cook. They were all different types. I call it my creek fish dley.
Silence fell like a wet glass from a childs hand.
Creek fish? said the taxman. Where did you catch them?
The creek just south of the city, I said. Seed innocent enough. So really crazy fish in there.
The creek? said the lead thug, aghast. The old poison pit?
Everyone started spitting out their food and forcing themselves to throw up. I could feel the populist vote slipping away. I just hoped none of them was the local restaurant critic.
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