By this point I considered darkness to be an old friend. Considering how my friends had been treating of late, my buddy darkness was probably hiding monsters that would eat my face.
I wasnt scared. Intellectually, I knew I should be, but convincing to cut myself off from everyone was probably the best thing Maurice could have done for . I was comfortably numb. Which, in practical terms, ant I would go into the next life without having shat my pants, which Im sure would be appreciated.
The voice Id heard had sounded feminine, although I wasnt about to assu gender. These days, that sort of thinking can get you in all sorts of trouble. If it was a woman, my track record with females in dark places wasnt good, but I wasnt about to generalise about that either.
Yes, won had treated poorly, often trying to kill , torture and nag to death. I didnt hold a grudge. Won arent all the sa. I never think, Oh, yes, shes just like all the others. Theyre all individuals. They each have their own preferred thod for ruining your life. So of them even do it by ignoring you. Theyre my favourite.
I listened for any follow-up threats. There were always follow-up threats. Everyone had too much fun arranging my demise to not announce their plans.
Nobody spoke. They were probably busy making a list. I put one foot in front of the other. I wasnt floating, I was walking. It felt different to when Id entered the other portal, the one with the old gods. I had remained in ghost mode there. I felt more like my regular-self here. That was rarely a good thing.
Hello? Might as well get it over with.
Hey, there. Nice to et you. It was definitely a feminine voice. Arican. Not a girl though. Older. So nice to see a friendly face.
I tried to get a sense of where the voice was coming from. I couldnt see a thing, but apparently she could see . My nas Colin. And you are?
The nas Wesley. Werent you sent in to fetch ?
Wesley was the na of the fourth mber of Peters original party. According to Joshaya, shed been Arthurs wife. But then, according to Joshaya, Arthur had been a rich hermit, a lich, hung himself from the tree outside and died of old age. I was beginning to think Joshaya wasnt completely trustworthy.
Oh, are you a friend of Peters? I asked, trying to sound like I was new and had no idea what was going on. Not as hard to do as you might think.
Sothing like that. She sounded terse and not very happy to hear Peters na. Which was a good sign.
And Arthur? You knew him?
Oh, yes, of course. My husband. How is he?
Awkward.
I dont know. These are just nas Ive heard. I only arrived recently, its still quite confusing. Playing the ignorant newb was great. Right in my wheelhouse.
It was tiring playing the male lead, learning all my lines, turning up in every scene. I wasnt lead material, as Im sure no one would dispute. A good hero wants to take credit for his victories. A good villain wants to take credit for his cris. Id rather people not know what Id done, good or bad.
I was born to play the clueless side-character whose questions helped the audience grasp the way the world worked. Every fantasy story had one.
You can do magic? But how? Cue explanation of magic system for readers. Once everyone knows the rules, everyone can follow the twists and turns.
So, you just wandered in here by accident? She sounded a little incredulous.
Not exactly. Peters trying to kill and this was the only place I could think to hide. Telling her the truth, more or less, seed like a reasonable risk to take. If she was on Peters side, then I was fucked anyway. Might as well gamble.
I see. So no one sent you in to release ?
Um, no. I dont mind helping, if I can, though. Is there a way out?
Sort of.
I waited for further clarification. None ca. How was I supposed to be the audiences avatar if no one ever explained anything to ? I was beginning to suspect I was the comic relief. My job was to set myself on fire when I tried to cast the spell the wizard had expressly told not to. Hilarity would no doubt ensue.
How did you end up in here, if you dont mind asking? I was being polite and respectful. My expectation was to be lied to, taken advantage of and accused of sexual harassnt.
Arthur put in here. He felt it would be for the best.
There were two reasons why he might have done that. To protect you?
No, not really.
Which left the other, slightly more worrying option. To protect everyone else. He didnt leave you a way out? In case of ergencies?
There is a way out, but only he can open it, and it requires a great sacrifice. Frankly, I didnt expect to ever leave here. Sadly, you wont be able to leave either. Looks like were both stuck here, now. I hope we can get on.
Either I was reading too much into it, or that was the most ominous thing anyone had ever said to . I hope we can get on. Chilling.
From what shed said, there was a way to get out, although I wasnt sure Id get a very warm reception on my return. But while I was out of my body, everyone would be stuck waiting for .
I left my body outside, I said. Everything stops when I leave my body.
Sa here! She sounded like she just found out we had the sa alma mater. But you dont have to worry about your friends. Once you enter this place, you no longer have an effect on the real world. You dont have to worry about them. Theyll be able to continue with their lives.
Well, thank fuck for that. At least everyone else could carry on being marvellously happy without . A great weight off my mind.
If it was true, though, it made it much more likely that getting in here had been the plan all along. If ti had restarted once Id entered, they could do what they wanted with my body. I didnt imagine it would be anything pleasant. When the best option is that they just kill you and cremate your remains, you know things arent going your way.
Still, at least I was stuck in a dark room with a disembodied voice. When it cos to the age-old question of seeing the glass half-empty or half-full, I like to see the glass as easily broken and the jagged shards used to slice your neck open.
Wed probably beco fast friends and have lots of interesting philosophical debates, right? Not like being in isolated confinent for decades would have driven her insane or anything.
The other thing that occurred to was that if being in here severed the connection to the outside world, wouldnt that have happened when I entered the other portal? Everyone had been in the sa positions when I ca out. Which might an it worked differently. Or that Wesley was lying. Or that Maurice had got the others to pretend, and they were all working against and had been since the start.
Paranoia that arrives too late is the worst kind of paranoia. Fucking useless.
It was a moot point, though. They were on their own, and I was on my own. Well, not exactly on my own.
Im sorry about this. Im sure Arthur never intended to trap anyone else in here.
Why did he put you in here? Are you that dangerous?
It did seem implied that if you imprison your wife in an inescapable inter-dinsional prison that she had so kind of monstrous power that could cause untold harm. Then again, he might have just wanted her out of the way so he could shag his secretary.
No, not really. Not intentionally. I sotis have difficulty controlling my temper. But its been a great help spending ti here. Ive been able to really think things through, put it all in perspective. Its very calming, sitting in the dark, pondering over the things youve done in your life.
It didnt sound very calming to . It sounded excruciating. Everyti I recalled an event from my past, it was usually accompanied by a shudder of revulsion and deep self-loathing at my unrivalled ineptitude.
On the other hand, Id read plenty of stories where the hero cuts himself from the world and goes sits in a cave to cultivate his chi or whatever. I could erge from this place in a hundred years, all my friends sadly passed away (Id get over it), with my powers fully developed. I wouldnt have a body, but perhaps I could borrow one. A better-looking one would be nice. Perhaps with muscles that worked properly.
I know, soone would probably be using it already, but the way it works is that they would have just killed themselves, and I could slip in and take over. Everyone wins. I was already quite looking forward to it.
In the anti, it wouldnt be so bad having Wesley as a companion. She seed to be quite a reasonable person. It probably helped we couldnt see or touch each other. Thats when the problems start.
Two abandoned souls stuck in a closet with no lights. Sure, there was no Netflix, but there was also no need to eat, shit or sleep. I was content to let go of worldly worries and just hang out here. Immortality beckoned.
It took about ten minutes to get bored of eternity. I an, its all very well finding your zen and reaching Nirvana, but people like that are never as happy as they make out. If vegans genuinely believed in what they were doing, they wouldnt try to make their food taste like at. Shaving your head and saying Namaste to everyone isnt a sign of enlightennt, its trying to distance yourself from soone you dont like. Usually yourself. Or your parents.
Are you really sure there isnt a way out? An escape hatch into another dinsion?
You can leave the way you ca in, if you could see the exit. But light doesnt exist here.
I created a ball of light.
In front of stood a middle-aged woman. Im not good with guessing how old won are, especially when theyre right in front of daring to say anything over forty. But she would be around there, physically speaking. Her real age would be the sa as Peters. I didnt bring it up, though. Im pretty sure even the most secure woman would be upset if she asked you to guess her age and you said, A hundred and sixteen?
How did you do that? she said, shocked. That isnt possible. Our abilities dont work here.
Its beast magic, I said. I picked it up from an old frog. Do you think it could help us escape?
She stared at my ball of light, blinking slowly. She was shorter than , had a round face with dainty features, and curly brown hair. She could be soones mother or a teacher or soone wandering around the supermarket with a trolley. Not a MILF, not an dominatrix, just a regular housewife. She probably knew how to make a decent sandwich. I stopped thinking about it before I beca aroused.
She slowly moved her gaze from the light to . You can leave. Ill show you.
And you cant?
I dont have a body to go to. The only way to release is for you to stay here, and give yours. Would you want to do that?
I wouldnt, but mostly because it would be horribly embarrassing to loan soone a body like mine. I wasnt even convinced I wanted to go back to it. We might both be better off here.
No, she said. I wouldnt even ask it of you. Go back to your friends. Live a good life. Have fun.
If she knew what my life was like, she wouldnt make such stupid suggestions.
And if you see Peter, punch him in the face for .
I couldnt deny I liked her, though. She had zero interest in , for or against, and that felt appropriate. And she didnt like Peter, which was more than appropriate. Perhaps I would let her have my body, along with an apology for the condition Id left it in, and I could stay here. It didnt seem so bad. Let soone else play the lead.
Could you handle Peter if I gave you my body? Even if he had an Elf and so dwarves and a few gods helping him?
Sure. I was never very good at playing with others. I enjoy breaking other peoples toys too much. But then you would be on your own. Lady, you dont even know... I dont think you would like it very much. It gets quite lonely in here.
It gets quite lonely out there, I said. Im sure Id manage. Whats your ability?
Im a vibrator.
Sorry?
I make things vibrate. Unfortunately that tends to make them fall apart.
Oh, yes. I suppose they would. Was that a great power? I wasnt sure. I guess it could be quite destructive, like an opera singer who could smash a wine glass with her voice.
I thank you for the offer, but I really couldnt deprive you of sothing so precious.
Cant we both use my body? Share it?
Oh, I hadnt thought of that. I suppose its possible You wouldnt mind?
Precious it might be, but half a bag of shit was worth the sa as a whole bag.
No. I dont mind.
It was just an idea that probably wouldnt work, but I also had to keep in mind that this is what they wanted. If I brought her out and my body was tied up or incapacitated in so way (they could have cut off my arms and legs and sewn my mouth shut), they would have us trapped and Peter could do what he wanted. He was always looking for living batteries, perhaps we would be used to power another of his doomsday machines.
Whatever I did, there would be plans to counter . Only by coming up with sothing truly unexpected could I hope to outmanoeuvre them. Could I co up with sothing that retarded? It was ti to rise to the challenge.
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