Firm hands grabbed by the arms and lifted to my feet. Feminine hands with red nail varnish. The hands encircled my biceps and remained tightly clasped. I really had to start working out.
The six female warriors towered over . Im not the tallest of people, but Ive always consoled myself with at least being above average height for a woman. Not today.
They were dressed in very form-fitting leather armour with shiny tal plates covering their neck and shoulders, elbows and forearms, knees and shins. Thighs were completely exposed for so reason. Seed like an odd design choice.
Dont stare at their legs, said Laney in a loud whisper. They might take it the wrong way. She stuck out her tongue and wiggled it at . I had no idea what that was supposed to an.
I wasnt. I clearly had been, but when in doubt, deny everything.
The won all wore helts that covered everything except for mouth and chin, so it was hard to tell how annoyed they were. They werent smiling, though.
What are you doing here, Laney? Are we near Fengarad?
You will address the princess as Her Highness, or I will cut your tongue out and slice off your ears, said one of the won. She bared her teeth at in a very aggressive manner; which wasnt really necessary after already threatening to maim and disfigure .
Its alright, Guardian Telma, said Laney with a sweet smile that was far more worrying than any of the grimaces. I know him. Hes a Visitor. And hes going to help us. Her eyes twinkled. Very worrying.
The last ti Id seen Princess Laney, shed given a sound beating under the guise of sword training. We had made plans for more beatings, I an, lessons, but I ducked out of Fengarad before she could teach the many different ways to lie on the ground, crying. Hopefully, she wasnt mad Id stood her up. Maybe she didnt even rember.
Hes part of a group called The Losers. Hes the head Loser.
Thats not what were called. No one was listening to .
A Visitor? Him? Are you sure? The tallest of the woman removed her helt, I guess to take a better look at . She had a square jaw with a dimple in it, which always looks odd on won. She had very blue, very unimpressed eyes. Her mousey blonde hair was pulled back and tied into a plait. Im guessing it was a French braid, but Im not up on my hairstyles and French is the only braid variant Ive ever heard of. Other countries dont seem to get a look in.
His arms feel like theyre made of chicken bones, said the woman on my right giving a squeeze that made wince.
I think I could fold him up and put him in my pocket, said the one on the left.
Yes, yes, said Laney, I know he doesnt look like much, but hes the type who keeps his talents hidden. Deep, deep, deeeeeep.
My life was a never ending funfair ride. The kind where a loose screw leaves fifteen teenagers with their legs amputated at the knee. And no one knew more about having a screw loose than Princess Looney.
Laney, wh The hands around my arms tightened, crushing my biceps. I should probably start with pushups, maybe so squats. Your Royal Highness, could you tell where I am?
Laney smiled. Of course. Were just outside Requbar, Jewel of the South, the Garden City.
Never heard of it. I looked around. The field we were in was surrounded by trees on all sides. There was no sign of any buildings. Were not near Fengarad?
Fengarad has fallen, said Laney, shaking her head slowly. The monsters breached the walls and took my father prisoner. Dark tis, Colin. Dark tis. She lowered her head, eyes on the ground. Then her head snapped back up, eyes bouncing around like ping pong balls. But we shall free my father and destroy the evil brutes who dare place their filthy claws on my precious city. Wont we, Colin, hmm?
She peered up at , the only girl here who needed to do that. She was waiting for an answer.
LaI an Your Highness, Ive only just got here, and I have no idea whats been going on, but first I need to find the rest of my party. Have you seen them? And how did you even know I was out here?
We should take him back to Requbar and let the Inquisitor question him, said Guardian Telma. I didnt like her. I wasnt too fond of this Inquisitor person, either. It isnt safe out here, Your Highness.
Yes, youre right, said Laney. Co on, Colin, we can catch up and you can explain why you missed our appointnt. Hurry upI do so hate to be kept waiting She let it linger in a way that made think training would be resud, and I wouldnt be given a sword this ti.
Hold on, I said, resisting the push from either side of as the grips still locked onto my arms urged forward. Resistance was futile. I was lifted and my feet scraped along the ground. Can we just take a second to let get my bearings. I was in Nekrol a mont ago, now Im back here, its
They released my arms and backed away, forming a circle around , hands on the hilts of their swords
What? I said, unsure what Id done this ti.
You have been to Nekrol? said Guardian Telma. You have been to the fabled Underworld, ho of demons and the living dead?
Yeah, I passed through. Its not really how you think of an underworld, though. Not so much under as off to one side, if you know what I an.
The looks I was getting suggested they had no idea what I ant.
If youve been to Nekrol, said Laney, sounding doubtful, how did you get there?
Well, we were in Monsterland with the Archfiend when
There was the sound of scraping tal as six swords were drawn in unison.
Easy. Im not even ard.
Are you sure he is the one you know? said Telma. He may be a shapeshifter.
The pointy ends of the swords were now aid at .
Hmm, said Laney with a finger tapping on her chin. I dont know. The Colin I knew was madly in love with . This one seems a little indifferent. They dont bleed, the shapeshifters. Perhaps cut a bit off?
With pleasure, Your Highness. Telma moved towards .
I moved back. Woah. Chill a minute. You dont have to cut anything off, you can just scratch the back of my hand or sothing. I held out my hand. It was shaking in a very unmanly manner.
Telma placed the tip of her sword against the back of my hand and flicked it. A line of blood appeared. I hissed and got 360 degrees of disapproval, which I thought was a bit unnecessary. Even a papercut stings.
He seems to be a man. Technically. She lowered her sword. He may still be a traitor. To co back from Monsterland alive is unheard of.
It was bad enough having to deal with macho posturing from n, it was even more absurd getting it from won.
Have you been to Monsterland? I waited for an answer but only got shifty looks. No, so you dont know what youre talking about. And Nekrol isnt full of the living dead well, in a way it is, but not really. And there were a grand total of nine demons, ten if you count the Archfiend who we left there. I dont know where you get your information from, but
You left the Archfiend in Nekrol? said Laney, her playfulness gone. When did this happen?
Im not sure. My sense of ti has been pretty ssed up. Which is why if you tell whats been happening maybe I can give you a few answers.
There was an exchange of looks, then Telma took a deep breath. Three days ago there was a large explosion in Monsterlanda giant cloud could be seen from as far as Fengarad and Dargot. It was followed by a huge exodus of monsters. They ca streaming across the border and quickly overran Fengarad. Dargot is already besieged and wont hold out much longer. Their skies are filled with winged lizardn and once they fall we will no doubt be next.
Had it really been only three days since wed left? It felt like much longer. I guess thats ti travel jet lag for you. At least the ntion of flying lizardn suggested so of the zzik survived. They might co in useful, assuming they didnt think Id betrayed them.
Laney stared pensively at . If the Archfiend is no longer in Monsterland, that would explain why the monsters are all running around out of control. This is all your fault, Colin. Its only right you help fix it.
How is it my fault? I didnt blow up his mountain and send us to Nekrol. That was your wonderful Uncle Peter and his spires of doom. Go take it up with him.
Uncle Peter would never
Never what? Risk all our lives? Sounds exactly like what hed do. You want to know what happened? Ask him.
All the more reason to retake Fengarad, said Laney. The spires still stand, you can ask him yourself if you help . I am raising an army. Think of it, Colin, think of it. She grabbed hold of my forearm and dug her nails in. You could charge into battle beside . Hohoho. Victory will be ours. Her eyes rolled upwards like she was having so kind of seizure. Or more likely a psychotic episode.
What are you talking about, you mad pixie? I dont even know how to ride a horse. Anyway, your friends look better equipped for that sort of thing.
I waited for her troops to jump in with so rattling of swords and proclamations of imminent victory. There was an awkward silence.
They are the Queen of Requbars personal guard, said Laney, releasing my arm. They are only here to watch over . Like babysitters. She smiled ruefully. I will have to find my own army to liberate Fengarad. I have gold. She perked up a little. And I have recruited a few already. But not enough.
The warrior won who were so aggressive a mont ago, now looked a bit sheepish.
I dont understand. If theyve already taken over Fengarad and Dargot, and Requbars next, shouldnt you all be preparing for war.
We will be ready when the ti cos, said Telma. The won of Requbar are the most fearso and feared fighters in all of Flatland.
I thought the alliteration was a bit much, and I also felt like there was sothing going on they werent saying. Politics, probably. I didnt really care. Whatever they did it would end up being a disaster for soone. And I think we all know who that soone would be.
Is the whole Requbar army made up of won? I asked.
It was a simple question. Not deserving of the vicious stares I received.
Whats wrong with an army of won? asked Telma, her eyes pinpoints of endless darkness. You think we lack courage? You think we lack strength?
I think you lack a sense of proportion. I asked a question, thats all. Ive seen the Monsterland armies, I just want to get a rough idea of what sort of fight youre going to put up.
Why? asked one of the won to my side. So you can report back to your inhuman masters?
You want exact troop numbers and armant details, do you? said another. There was a general murmur of agreent from all sides, now. I sensed things could quickly get out of hand. Here we are, faced with an impossible enemy set to destroy us all and we feel helpless, so lets take it out on this little shit.
The Queens personal guard is all female, said Laney calmly. When Princess Looney sounds like the only reasonable person out of seven, you know youre in trouble. The rest of the army is made up of eunuchs.
I had a whole bunch of other questions on the tip of my tongue that suddenly dissolved into nothingness.
Eunuchs? My voice may have squeaked as I asked.
We find our n easier to control once they arent obsessed with sexual gratification, said Guardian Telma. I really did not like her. Not one bit.
Just on a practical level, an army made up of won and eunuchs was a retarded proposition. Im not saying either shouldnt be allowed into the militarya woman is just as adept as any man at sipping on a Starbucks latte, pressing a button and blowing up a shepherd on a mountain three thousand miles awaybut the kind of fighting you had here, running after each other with sharp sticks, that really benefitted from a shot of testosterone. And guess which two groups have really low levels of the old T hormone.
Okay, then. You seem to have things well in hand. Ill be off to look for the rest of my party. Ive never wanted to see those losers more.
You should co with us to Requbar, said Laney. The other search parties may have found your friends. It was posed as a suggestion, although the swords still pointing at were a little more insistent.
Search parties? What were you searching for?
For you. Uncle Peter sent word that you would be arriving around here. He just wasnt too sure exactly where. But we found you. She clapped her hands together, delighted with herself. We found you, we found you, she sang.
I did not feel the sa sense of delight. If Uncle Pete knew I was back, no doubt he would co up with so way to make things miserable for . Even more miserable.
You will co with us, said Telma.
I was about to think up another excuse for why and my private parts didnt fancy a trip to the City of Lost Ballas when I noticed their eyes were no longer on . They were staring up. I followed their gaze.
High in the blue sky, a large shape flew in a wide, sweeping circle.
What is it? said one of the won.
Its too big to be a lizardman, said another. Its its huge.
I knew what it was. I had seen many in Monsterland. Its a dragon, I said. But it was more than that. It was my ticket out of here.
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